6 year-old grandson/video games

None of my children are into video games nor my grandchildren - thank goodness. They all much prefer running, cycling, horseriding and outdoor events/competitions.
Thankfully, none have any disabilities mental or physical and can enjoy a wide range of activities which help to keep them healthy.
Whatever did those children with
(then) undiagnosed AHD/ADHD/Aspergers etc do, before the advent of unhealthy computer and Xbox games. How were they amused?

jaecoWhat do you mean by ...park, jump houses...?

It’s surely up to the parents
But the parents do sound as if they are addicted to gaming and this little boy doesn't sound as if he is receiving the parenting he deserves, which is why jaeco is so rightly worried.

Grannyactivist has put on a link which could be useful because this sounds as if outside help could be needed.

I’d keep out of it! Do you say how old he is? Can you just go to their house for a bit? I wouldn’t even think of trying to get him to do the things you want, or even tag along. It’s surely up to the parents.... He doesn’t want to speak to you because he knows you disapprove. Maybe you should ask him to show you some of it....casually...if it comes up. In his conversation.Id let the parents decide how much he can be doing this.

My 11 yr GS uses the Xbox to destress, he is ASD/ADHD, and on afternoon he was stressing over his parents going out for a meal while i babysat! My daughter suggested that he taught me how to play one of his games! He chose a wrestling game, told me the keys etc. After the first game, that lasted about 30 seconds, i won the next 3! Two different games later we played board games and he beat his sisters which restored his confidence.
Not all video games are bad for them, and some are even linked to school curriculem. Maybe, next time you visit, as your GS to show you how to play one or two games, FIFA is relatively harmless. Then after an hour, if you can last that long, suggest a walk to the nearest shops for some fresh air. He might not come with you that first time but he will eventually go with you. Maybe suggest, after a long discussion, that he finds some Nanny friendly games you can play together!

“Broker a deal” was a turn of phrase sarahellenwhitney. I used to do something similar with my own son, ‘5 more carrots and you can have your yogurt’, ‘we’ll go into this shop for mummy, then we can look at the book shop for you’ ‘let your cousin choose the game for the first 30 minutes, then you choose the next one’. It certainly did him no harm, opened his world to other activities and taught him the importance of compromise. I’m not sure what you mean by a sad world.

What a sad world when we feel the need to as some suggest' broker a deal' C'mon now these are human beings we are talking about not a commodity to barter with.
What we want for our grandchildren is not always what their parents want .If I observed abuse then I would step in and advise those who would deal with it. This is not ill treatment so let us keep out and allow our children space to decide what they want or allow their own children to do.

Oooops, sorry for the looooong post!!!

I find this a very interesting subject, and agree wholeheartedly that too much video gaming is not good. I have brought up three children in this era of video gaming and my personal experience is that it is related to the personality of each child, as well as parenting. My eldest was desperate to have a playstation (at that time the one) and received it for her seventh or eighth birthday. She was allowed two hours at the weekend, that she could administrate herself. We had the odd argument over "more time" etc, but she knew the rules. As she got older she continued to enjoy it and still does at 26, but does not play obsessively, from what I understand. It is occasional.
My boy (now 19) was a nightmare with the games until he was about 17, it was really difficult to ensure he did not play obsessively and he got into trouble more than once for getting up after he was presumed asleep to play! (he got caught because of the racket he made when playing, shouting at other players on this online game!!!) He is now much more into his music (he plays base) and he spends most of his waking hours practising - thankfully, he plays quite well, or I would have committed suicide by now!
The youngest is now 10 and has no video console (her brother has one in his room, but she has no interest) She sometimes visits a friend who loves to play, but she negotiates with him in advance, how long they will play video games, as she doesn't enjoy playing for hours and then they play other things.
As for the OP, I agree with trying to learn something about his game, even maybe get a second hand xbox (if that is the console he likes) to have at your house, but there he has time limits and does other things - that way you have the lure to get him to your house and can control how long he uses it when he is with you, which might also, longterm, help him to control how long he plays, if that makes sense.
Seems to me, if you cant beat em, join em - but with a level of control over the time devoted to gaming.

My daughter's husband plays almost all day on weekends, and after work. My daughter plays at night.

It seems to me that maybe the problem doesn't sit with the child, but with his parents. There is advice available for worried family members at: www.ukat.co.uk/gaming-addiction/

I think that you have to decide whether this is just "not ideal" parenting, or whether it has become neglectful parenting.

If its the latter, you are too close to help and you need outside help.

Computer games are not good or bad. Like anything (food, activities etc) can be used well, not so well, or abusively.

From what youve wrote it sounds like the basics are missing. Parenting wise.
It is possible for a child to play, in most peoples opinions, too much computer gaming, but still get basic care/parenting. So its not a neglect issue.

I think that the advise you need on this is outside the remit of GN. Maybe have a chat with Childline?

Now though he acts like he's sick, sometimes cries, tells me he feels bad for not wanting to do things.
Unfortunately this is what can happen when children are prised off their iPads or whatever.

Getting the balance right is so hard.
That is very true SpanielNanny

SpanielNanny

I think this is a fabulous idea.

Excellent advice from lyndylou, can you possibly ‘broker a deal’ so to speak with dgs? We’re gonna go to the park, a museme etc this weekend, then next weekend you can teach me about xyz game you like? Possibly not an ideal solution, but it might be a start.

Bluebell raised an excellent point too, I honestly believe that the peer pressure now is getting worse and worse. Quite often children who don’t have these things, (x-boxes, ipads, smartphones etc) are made to feel left out. Getting the balance right is so hard. I must admit to being very grateful that I didn’t have all of this to worry about (certainly not as much of it) when I was raising my son. It really is a different world now.

That should read ‘way down’ not down way ?

I think lyndylou has the right idea try and make some little trips into his world then maybe he ll start to make a little step into yours It’s not ideal but I don’t know the answer otherwise If both parents are playing especially his role model Dad he is in his eyes doing a great job
If you aren’t able to actually do the computing stuff let him teach you bits shoe inrpterest even if it’s killing you maybe after a bit of showing interest you can bring in how about we have an hour doing your games and then an hour doing mine
It’s such a difficult one and he’s so young my grandson wasn’t allowed an Xbox till he was 11 or 12 but then he was getting made to feel different at school as all the others were playing together at nights so his mum got him one and for a couple of years he was Xbox mad but now although he still plays it, it comes down way the list to lots of other things

Any chance you could compromise by learning a little about this world he loves so much? I often have my GS after school while his mum works and once a week we have a session on Scratch learning how to make things happen. I only have the normal Word and Spreadsheet knowledge from work so I'm learning too. There are several good coding for beginners books around and Futurelearn do an online course. You may find that by pretending to have an interest and just not mentioning outdoor activities for few weeks, that may mean by the summer holidays he is more willing to do the things he enjoyed before.

A real problem Jaeco and poor parenting, which is out of your control.
Don’t make him feel bad though, just say you know he enjoys gaming but it’s nice to do other things too, and take him to do something he likes out of doors?
Sadly this is probably replicated in many houses, where adults are permanently glued to devices.

You are all correct. I have handled this badly. Now our problem is I do still offer him alternatives, play with friends, parks, etc., and my daughter wants him to go with me. Now though he acts like he's sick, sometimes cries, tells me he feels bad for not wanting to do things. This is beyond me knowing what to do. I don't mention video games, I just try being quiet, not talking; asking him what hurts if he says he's sick; ignoring his whining until hopefully he comes around. When he snaps out of it his attitude can be cocky. So....just take him places and if he doesn't want to participate just sit there with the adults while others are playing, hoping he will join in, ignore his whining....take him home?? When he's at my house he talks about video game stuff that I do not understand. He'll ask me things like how do you get restored, or something that doesn't apply to the real world, and I have to say are you talking about video games or real life and he gets mad. I just don't know how to proceed. Maybe just need to vent. Thanks.

I think that perhaps you should back off and not make your DGS feel guilty about it - after all, he is only doing what he sees his parents doing constantly.

I can understand how you feel, but the best you can do imo is to offer some alternatives that involve physical activity, fresh air and perhaps meeting children his own age.

I think all you can do back off seeing as your interventions seem to be increasing rather than decreasing the stress to your GS.

Some people here are addicted to Gransnet!!!!

You've made your feelings clear but now you need to back off from criticising how your DD and SIL raise their child. Your GC is already upset and feeling "guilty" but he should never have been aware of these conversations between you and his parents. So stop the criticism as you risk permanently damaging your relationship with your GC.

Everyone knows your opinion but you cannot force the parents to adopt your parenting style.

If your daughter admits there is a problem only she can solve it. If she and her husband are constantly gaming then of course grandson will do the same and it will alter his behaviour gaming is addictive. It's also bad for him whilst his brain is so immature. Can you have a conversation just with your daughter and show her some research about the negatives for someone his age. Can you arrange some treats for your grandson to interest him in other things, he may not just want to come to your house but maybe take him out to do something interesting and plan it together. Why is gaming the dads only activity , don't they do anything as a family? I hope things get better but it is the adults who have to change their behaviour not your grandson

I feel your pain.
My GSs are 6 and 9 and live with their father and his parents. When ever DD contacts them one or other of them are gameing. It seems xbox is used as a babysiter.
Neither DD nor I approve, DD has voiced her opinion on more than one occasion.
I bite my tongue.

Take a step back now jaeco it seems you are increasing the stress rather than helping.
It is up to the parents how they deal with their children, you can only advise.
Things are very different for children now, having said that I don't advocate the use of computer games without restriction either.