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Grandparents have no rights..

(24 Posts)
LisaP Tue 22-May-18 17:40:29

My 26 year old daughter has fallen out with me for reasons that are really not clear. I’ve supported her always. Been there. Loved her.
More importantly this means I am unable (at the moment) to see my granddaughter. She’s 4. I’ve been in her life from the second she was born. I cut the cord. Been in her life longer than her own father! And now. Nothing.
I miss her like crazy. All I can do right now is wait until something changes. I’m devastated. My daughter has a boyfriend who has been in prison. Lies. Steals. Is a bully. And yet he gets to see my granddaughter daily. Where’s the sense in that.

muffinthemoo Tue 22-May-18 22:53:57

There’s a thread on the Relationships forum for estranged grandparents to support each other Lisa, perhaps you might drop in there as well as this thread, I am sure you will be welcome flowers

NanaWilson Thu 24-May-18 23:02:26

Hi LisaP
I know how you feel, this happened to us, although, happily, my granddaughter is now back in our lives after 6 years! I don't know where you live, but you should be able to get access through the courts, especially as you are at the birth. I wish I'd done this. In the meantime, collect cards and little presents for her, and keep them in a box until you can see her again.

agnurse Fri 25-May-18 03:03:41

I agree with collecting cards and presents for her. I don't agree with going through the courts. It's expensive, you may well not be successful, and it's likely to destroy any relationship you have.

You may not approve of your granddaughter's father, but the fact is he is her father. It's not your place to get involved in your daughter's and granddaughter's relationships. Except in cases of severe abuse, it's rare for children to not be attached to both parents, even if those parents are less than ideal people. If you have serious concerns about your granddaughter's safety, your best bet is to call Social Services. If it's more that you don't care for her father as a person, your best bet is to stay out of it.

Also, don't try to force contact on her. This is not likely to be successful either and could result in the police becoming involved. Rather, step back and wait for them to come to you.

ninathenana Fri 25-May-18 05:52:53

I may be interpreting the OP wrongly but I understood that the man is not the childs father but the mothers BF.

Smileless2012 Fri 25-May-18 14:12:53

Yes, I think you're right ninathenana the OP was referring to her D's BF.

A memory box is a good idea Lisa, I'm doing one for our GC who sadly we've never had the opportunity to know. We send them cards for their birthdays and Christmas, always buying 2 so one goes in the memory box. Not much I know but better than nothing.

You'll be made very welcome on the thread mentioned by muffinthemoo if you care to take a look and share with us thereflowers.

It's cruel of your D to suddenly dispense with her own D's GM when you've clearly been a huge part of her life.

Hilltopgran Fri 25-May-18 15:04:28

I am sorry you are experiencing the loss of contact with your DD and GD. Your description of the BF reads as if this has bought about the change. If he is as you describe he may be the one isolating and controlling your family. It is not clear in your post if BF is the Father of your GD, if your GD is living in a house with a man who is not her birth father, the father has the right to ask questions about the BF to be certain she is safe. I think it is called Clares law, I know of a similar situation where this happened and it bought to light the very unsavory past of a man who was not allowed to stay in a house with a child.

It maybe there is no cause for concern, but I hope you can get reassurance that all is well, and there is some other reason for your DD stopping contact.

Yorkshiregirl Sat 26-May-18 09:06:35

Do everything you can to sort this out no matter who is right or wrong. You obviously love your family, so perhaps send a little note or even a text telling your daughter that, and perhaps thats all it will take.
As for her boyfriend dont voice your opinions.

Kathcan1 Sat 26-May-18 09:26:35

I agree with Yorkshire girl, they’re your family and you love them. I’m guessing it’s not what you’ve done but your D knows you’d disapprove of her boyfriend, and her embarrassment at choosing this man that’s distanced her from you. It’s hard not to voice your concerns, you need to wheedle your way back into their lives to keep an eye on the situation. Tell her you them and miss them and this is breaking your heart, she’s your daughter.

Coconut Sat 26-May-18 09:55:13

These posts are always heartbreaking as I know just how floored I would be if I was in the same position with my GC. It’s even harder when you are unaware of the reasons why your daughter has excluded you from her life. If there is no way that you could reach out to her, could someone else do this on your behalf, friends or family ? Also, with bullying boyfriends you have to consider the manipulation issue, trying to cut off all other sources of support to enable total control. Personally I would approach Social Services, voice your fears and just ask for advice, they won’t do anything to expose you, it will all be in total confidence. I so wish you well ....

Teddy123 Sat 26-May-18 10:09:45

So sorry to read this, especially difficult when you're not sure what has happened to alter the equilibrium in what was a happy mother/daughter relationship. I can only hazard a guess that the new BF has (not deliberately) put a spanner in the works. I'm guessing your daughter is embarrassed by her choice and knows you wouldn't totally approve so she's keeping her distance. Or maybe the BF is totally controlling so she's siding with him.

I would keep trying to see both her and your GD. She must realise you're heartbroken. Write to her, do anything that will open up a conversation. Eat humble pie even if you've done nothing wrong. Whatever it takes to get them back into your life. I can only wish you good luck & say "don't give up" XX

Sassieannie Sat 26-May-18 10:56:16

She will probably come running as soon as she needs childcare. I've been in a similar position myself; daughter a single parent, far from ideal boyfriends. I also had a strong involvement in helping to bring up GD. I'm actually trying to take a step back now, as at the end of the day it's her child not mine. Just be there if needed and in the meantime start making more of a life for yourself.

EmilyHarburn Sat 26-May-18 11:59:54

LisaP Is your daughter's boy friend the father of your grand child? or a possible step father? How old is he?

icanhandthemback Sat 26-May-18 13:04:57

If it were me, I'd write a letter to tell my daughter how much I love her but I respected her decision to live her life how she sees fit. I would then tell her that I would always be there for her and never to think she won't be welcome in your life. I would then say that you would like the opportunity to repair your relationship but you are unsure what it is you have done wrong so you don't know how to put things right but if she thinks there is a chance to work things out you will willingly meet her.
I would tell her I was cherishing the memories of the happy times you had and how thrilled you were to be at the birth of your GD.
If you get the chance for reconciliation you will need to drop all your concerns about her BF until she sees him in his true colours. The more you try to get her to see the light, the more she will dig her heels in and you become persona non grata. If this man is a controlling bully he will likely be trying to get rid of your influence so she will be in a very awkward place. It may be that all you can do is wait to pick up the pieces.

ajanela Sat 26-May-18 13:40:38

The sense in that is that the boyfriend is meeting your daughters needs.

I agree with the others that your daughter has cut you out as she knows that you will disapprove and possibly make trouble.

Belgravian Sat 26-May-18 13:44:53


Lovely post and I agree with all you have written.

icanhandthemback Sat 26-May-18 13:54:02

Thank you Belgravian.

albertina Sat 26-May-18 14:24:44

What a sad situation. If the boyfriend is that sort of aggressive person he might be controlling your daughter. Men like that are very good at control. Hope it gets sorted for you.

Missfoodlove Sat 26-May-18 14:30:11

Just “ keep the door open” for your daughter and grandchild. I sense they will come knocking soon.

luzdoh Sat 26-May-18 15:22:13

LisaP I am so terribly sorry for you. It is clear to me that the boyfriend is the influence here. i would hope for something to change, and soon. I think she will see through him when the rose-tinted spectacles of love fall off. He will show what he really is to her and she will need you then.
meanwhile, listen to all the wisdom here, people on Gnet are so experienced and kind, they will help you. Sending much love and prayers, L flowers

luzdoh Sat 26-May-18 15:26:08

icanhandthemback speaks wise words. I entirely agree. Try and put up with her boyfriend and behave as if you like him. Eventually I think he will reveal his true nature to her. You will be there, when she is wondering what he is really like, then. Much love.

Sandym8 Sat 26-May-18 15:29:21

Put your granddaughter first and if you have any concerns about her safety tell your daughter . Too many children suffer in this world due to parents thinking about themselves only. Seek advice if need be. I hope you will all reconcile very soon . Wishing you all the best

luluaugust Sat 26-May-18 16:06:16

I agree the boyfriend is having influence here, whether it is for good or bad will I suppose become apparent, although his track record looks bad and I can see why you are so worried. Have you really no idea at all what started her not being in contact was it soon after he came on the scene? Others who probably know better than me are advising stand back but I am wondering if, as a one off, you couldn't text and ask what you have done and say how much you love her and GD and would like to put upset behind you.

debohunXL5 Sat 26-May-18 19:28:01

So sorry to hear of your situation. I have a similar situation where I lost my daughter to cancer last year and her husband has now cut off all contact with all of my daughter's family. We have not had any contact with our grandchildren since September last year. We have no number or address now for them. Our christmas presents were sent back to us and also letters and parcels. We are devastated. I will go on the Relationship forum for support now. sad