Raising my grandson

Thankyou*Moira*, it has been a long road travelled, for others on this thread it is still a very fresh wound, MissA,I know this to be so in your case.Kath suicide,a word so ugly leaves its own scars and what if's,then we have to deal with practicalities and social services who at best are brilliant at their worst,misguided,misinformed and at times lacking in empathy and experience,I have experienced all of them.Only another GP who has,is,going through this can understand how lonely and isolating it is to be out of sync with family,friends and financially penalised you are,would I do it again? In a heartbeat,I made a promise when E was born in her christening bible we gave her "I would give my life for you" ,not realising how prophetic that would be.E is 19 now,we havent reached our destination but we travel much more comfortably,dramas and obstacles still happen but as an adult it is guidance now that is needed.I offer my support to any of you that are reading this,please PM if you want to chat,or let off steam. for you all x

Oh Moira the poor little chap that Is awful ? Saddens me that family's don't pull together and I know how very lucky we are to be close, we've been through a lot together , death , cancer, baby loss, mental illness the list goes on but we step in and step back as and when we are needed. To me it would be alien to be any other way and I adore my little niece as much as I do my granddaughter, I'm sorry you don't have this support but you should be proud of what you are doing especially under the circumstances Xx

That should read Nan not man!

I can't offer any advice but just wanted to say how much I admire all of you who are caring for your grandchildren in this way. They are so lucky to have you - so many children have no one. for you all

Downtoearth I’m sorry to hear about your DD and well done to you too. It’s hard being a man amongst the mums and it’s horrid when family don’t care enough it’s so hurtful ?

Yes, they weren't the least bit concerned about my grandsons when their mum was dying from cancer.
Quite happy to know the younger one was missing school and spending the day fending for himself whilst she was too poorly to see to him.
I'm bemused, frankly.
And rather bitter.

Kathsue im so sorry to hear about your daughter and well done you for raising your gs! I will look for that group as I think only grandparents can understand the issues involved with raising grandchildren. Sending you love x

MissAdventure I’m in Hertfordshire. We had to be rigourously assessed for the SGO including interviews, family trees, references, medicals - part of the reason I gave up my job was having to take so much time off for Children’s Services visits and meetings. They all stopped once we took on his care though ? it was all very stressful so I understand your reluctance in going through their checks. I’m just mad they let my gs live with the wicked step mother for so long despite me reporting my concerns to them! She didn’t have to go through what we did yet she abused him in every way possible!

Oh that's awful, Moira!
Couldn't the scout leader have a word in your nephews dear little earhole?

Thank you Jobey68. We used to be quite a close family and I’ve always done anything to help my sisters with their kids but it’s a different story now we have a grandson with us! Gs has come home from scouts tonight- my sisters boy ran off with his shoes then bashed a cone into his face and made his lip bleed ?
Thank your lucky stars for your sister and family ?

Just the same for me. I stand on my own at the school, I'm out of that 'loop'. None of my friends have 10 year olds, and I have no close family here..
Its as if the rug has been swept out from under your feet.
Life changes so much, so quickly. Its as much as I can do to keep afloat, emotionally, financially, and with the endless round of washing!

I too have had a SGO for my GD,she has been with me since the age of 4,she is now 19,we have encountered all of the above,my DD also took her own life,family support non existant,we were not invited anywhere as older peopke did not want a young child we where neither fish nor fowl,school gates I was treated to stares and curiosity,we have suffered financially as well.I am in Norfolk

My DD suffered from anxiety/depression and couldn't look after herself or her son for a while. Social services asked me and DH to look after him which we did. For about 3 months we had lots of meetings with and visits from many different social workers. They promised us all sorts of help from respite care to a car seat for him, none of which appeared. Sadly my DD took her own life and all the social workers just disappeared into thin air! I had one letter from them saying that her case had been closed.
The only financial help was child benefit and child tax credit, nothing from the council. This was all twelve years ago and it wasn't the money that bothered me at the time but the lack of support. I don't have a big family and they are a distance away.
I eventually found a group here called "Parents Again Support Group". It's a group of GPs who look after their GCs for many varied reasons. It's been helpful to me and I often feel that there is always someone with worse problems than mine.
I know what you mean about having to take holidays in school holiday time. I usually go away at Christmas or Easter when places aren't quite so busy.
One final point ..... my GS is 16 now and I don't regret taking him on for one minute. Its been hard and heartbreaking at times but he is a lovely lad and I'd do it all over again.

I'm in Essex, Moira. Any chance you're from this neck of the woods?
winterwhite I'm afraid I dont want to be set homework, which is what madam social worker said she would be doing for me, things like writing my family history with photos, etc. Neither do I want a medical, and all the rest of the palava.
I have still to muster up the courage to look through the pile of photos from my mums house, let alone pictures of my daughter and so on.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Perhaps if I had nothing better to do, but I have plenty on my plate already: so much that it has made me quite unwell this last little while.

Moira what a heartening post, I would do the same in a heartbeat for my granddaughter too! Such a shame you don't get any support from the rest of your family, my sister and I both have a granddaughter, they are the start of the next generation in our family and completely adored by everyone young and old, we all pull together to help everyone out, I have both little girls every Friday and just love it ?
You are doing a wonderful job and giving you grandson the security and love he's deserves.

Don’t be deterred from asking for help, MissA. Social workers have to carry out these checks. In their rule book. No reason to think they would put obstacles in your way, re getting help you need, but admit it might be a slow business.
Your grandson is a lucky boy.

Moira654 - use google, you'll find facebook groups and websites for grandparents in your situation.

Iam64 - exactly! You can choose to have children but you get no say in grandchildren! Still, I’d do it all over again and again for any of our other grandchildren if I had to! Thank you all for the support and understanding xx

Whereabouts are you MissAdventure? It is SO isolating - I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere! At least we don’t have financial worries even though we are worse off as I had to give up work. I’ve applied for a job as I think I need to get out of the house and make some friends. Before our grandson came to live with us I worked full time with just a couple of other people and had no friends locally as I spent all my spare time with my hubby and grandchildren!

Moira - what a cheek, to agree/press for an SGO but then to avoid supporting you financially or in practical ways. Please do have a good moan. I just wish we could offer advice that led to financial and other support. It used to be thought that families should just step in, shut up and provide care into eternity. I understand why some who haven't had direct involvement may still feel like that. those us who have had direct involvement, either because we're carers/are close to carers, or professionals who were/are involved in this system, are more sympathetic and understanding that it just isn't so simple.

Have a good old moan, Moira it'll do you good.
I have a child arrangement order for my grandson, and was going to go down the route of trying for help from the local authority, but a social worker brandishing a huge envelope knocking on everyone's door asking them about me put paid to that idea.
Its hugely isolating, I feel I'm neither fish nor foul.
I have had the job centre breathing down my neck to go back to work, I have no family here, and well...
Its rather hard!

Thank you for your kind words. We do have an SGO it’s what the Local Authority wanted. In hindsight we realised it saved them money as some LAs pay grandparents a fostering allowance!

It’s not even just the money it’s other things like holidays - when you can only go away during school time everything is so expensive - we were used to going away when all the kids were at school and holidays were cheaper! Plus we don’t get any time off at all unless he’s on a school trip or something but it’s also that I feel like I can’t talk to my family about problems that crop up with him, ie bullyingas they are so judgemental. You’re right Iam - I do feel isolated within my family sadly. Wow I’m having a good old moan here!

Agree with Iam - there should be support in this situation.

It equates to the lack of support for carers of elderly relatives.

Please seek advice.

I am so sorry that family are also a problem for you - you did not need that.

Gosh I want to give that little boy a hug and you too Moira
I can’t give any advice but well done you ?

Moira654, it makes me so cross that local authority social work teams continue to avoid treating relative carers fairly. You avoided care proceedings, which saved all concerned a lot of stress as well as cash in legal fees. That includes the l.a. you'll have saved them a lot of money in legal fees as well as in not having to provide foster or residential care for your grandson.
There was a Judgement some years ago that said l.a.'s must pay relative carers the same as they pay foster carers. That was linked to the making of Special Guardianship Orders. As you avoided proceedings, I don't suppose you have an SGO. Have you looked at the various sites, such as the Family Rights Organisation - there are so many people in your situation. It is worth you making an initial appointment with a solicitor to discuss if making an application for an SGO would help
It sounds as though you feel isolated within your family and the sadness/feelings of responsibility for this young boy are getting to you. There is a dearth of support due to austerity but somewhere like one of the charities may be able to offer some talking support for you.