Advise

After reading your original post MissKae, I’m wondering if DD2 thought I was like your MIL in the early days !

Parenting has changed quite a bit since the late 80’s/early 90’s when I had DD’s.
When DD2 has DGS last year I found myself saying ‘are you sure?’ ‘We did that with you and you were ok’

Originally, I thought that as I had ‘been there - done that’, my advice would help DD.
She would very politely point out
‘It’s different now Mum ’

Once I read the Lullaby Trust - I was an immediate convert to back sleeping.
So much of the new parenting guidance has been throughly researched and is evidence based and that can only be a good thing.
I now enjoy learning the new ways and why there were introduced/changed.

I love the idea by 4allwenow regarding inviting MIL round when you have friends round! You can then incorporate crazygrandma2 advice by asking MIL how things changed between her mother raising her and her raising DH.

You have had some brilliant advice on here and hopefully
MIL will soon relax and accept that things are different now.

Fingers crossed for you all

Ask her if she raised her son in exactly the same way that her mother raised her. I remember my nannie telling me to give my baby a little sachet of sugar to soothe her as she used to do. No wonder my mother had such bad teeth! Times change as GMs we need to realise this and keep it zipped unless asked for advice or of course if the child is in danger. She's had her turn to be a mother. Now it's yours. Good luck

Oh, and the front sleeping thing is massively important. You really need to get that across to her, the stats on it are overwhelming (SIDS rates dropped by more than 50% in just a couple of years once the back to sleep campaign began). It's just as important once baby can roll from tummy to back though, there's lot of evidence showing that babies placed on stomachs to sleep, even once they can roll, are still at a higher risk of SIDS, it's fine for them to roll once asleep but they need to be put on backs to sleep. So it's massively important until baby is 1. I would show her the lullaby trust website, it has an faq section on why choking isn't a risk when baby is on their back and about other safe sleep guidelines like not using blankets.

Sorry for the lecture, a family members baby died from SIDS and a friends baby died from suffocating on blankets at 9 months, so I realise I'm quite obsessive over safe sleeping guidelines!

If you have a good relationship with her it would be a shame to spoil it as it will be nice for your baby to grow up with a close family, and helpful for you if you ever need someone to watch him (if she wants to of course!). As you have a good relationship could you sit her down on your own (without baby) and explain that whilst you are grateful that she loves your DS, it sometimes feels like she's undermining your parenting. Explain to her that although she may disagree with your methods, you are doing the best for your DS, by current guidelines and that she needs to realise you are his parents and trust you to make the parenting decisions, and that you need to trust her to follow current guidelines when she looks after him. Explain that her relationship with him will natrurally differ to her other GC as she was basically parenting them, but that you want her to enjoy being a grandparent this time. Also, if I were you, I would have found the 'don't worry I won't let them hurt you' comment quite hurtful, as you are obviously not going to purposely hurt your baby! I'd really want to talk this comment over with her and explain that comments like that aren't acceptable and are quite hurtful.

I think a chat to establish her role as a grandparent not a parent is much better than just backing off if you are happy to maintain a close relationship with her.

Your DMiL does sound quite stubborn and intransigent. Perhaps that is why her other DiL prefers to only see her side of the family. I think you are doing the right thing. I came on here to give advice about DH and the texts. He doesn’t have to reply to texts straight away, or at all! Or he could text “We can discuss it when we see you on ...”. It’s a form of communication that wasn’t around when my DCs were small and I only very occasionally text DSDiL & DSS. They post photos of DSGCs on Facebook and I like, love or comment. They are 300 miles away though, not 3 mins! It would be a shame for texting to become such an issue for you all when, from what you say, you have a lot of direct contact.

Back to Sleep

The advice about putting baby to sleep on its back has saved thousands of lives. Back by statistical evidence. It’s not just a trend or experts ‘changing their blooming minds’ FFS.

Doesn’t help that the so called experts keep changing their blooming minds!

nanarayna I too followed the tummy sleeping advice 32 years ago but with no ill effects.
I am so sorry to read your post and admire you for telling your sad story.
Thank you.

I think you ought to tread carefully. Your MiL sounds like a wonderful woman and it isn't surprising that she is offering advice after raising not only her own children but the two GC you mention.
You too, sound a caring, loving DiL and don't wish to hurt her feelings so my suggestion is this. That you listen to what she says and make appropriate but non-committal remarks while carrying on doing things your way. If she sees you putting your son on his back to nap, just smile and say that he tries to turn over if put in any other position.
I realise that her 'interference' can be annoying as he is YOUR son, however, I'm sure that you're doing your best to keep the peace and foster a good relationship with her and that is the mark of a good woman.
Enjoy your little one. They grow up and move on far too soon.

My Health Visitor insisted baby went to sleep on his tummy. I wasn't to put him on his back or he'd choke on his own vomit, she said. So I had to put him to bed on his tummy. Cot death at 21 weeks.
DON'T LET GRANDMA DO IT HER WAY!

Do you have any friends nearby who have babies ? Could you organise a little "drop in" visit to MIL and try to bring conversation round to what has changed in looking after babies compared to when she had children. Obvious one could be nappies - just don't know how you managed to boost her. Then gradually get on to sleeping/weaning/not overheating etc. Prime your friend so she knows what to expect and to back you up. A third party is sometimes more readily listened to. Otherwise, just ignore MIL comments and do your own thing.

All three of mine slept on their tummies The first had very very bad colic for 8 months so sleeping on her tummy seemed to ease it I was advised to feed second on diluted carnation ( nobody knows what I m taking about so thanks Daddima for mentioning it’s supposed to be kinder on the digestive system) There were instructions as to how much to use per ounce of water on the tin but that’s long disappeared He’s ended up a very very fit athlete and hates any kind of cream or milk? The third went onto tinned milk after a brief breast feeding encounter
Mamaxaz I was wondering too

Our 3 all had different ‘guidelines’ for sleeping! And the weaning ‘ guideline’ was ‘ Twelve weeks or twelve pounds, whichever comes first’, so #1 son was getting Farex at six weeks! He was breast fed, and they advised giving Carnation Milk in a bottle for the occasional feed. I remember there was a table on the tin giving amounts for feeds. When #2 arrived, the label said to write to Carnation for guidance, and by the time #3 arrived it wasn’t mentioned at all.
I’d say just do what you’re most comfortable with.

(Incidentally, the Bounty book we expectant mothers were given advised us ‘ never to drink so much alcohol that we fell over, or we may hurt the baby’ !

I'm a gm of four and have good relationships with them and their parents. I never interfere, always follow DDs ways of doing things and always support them in whatever they do. Could offer advice sometimes but the girls are intelligent and don't need me telling them stuff. Keep smiling, don't argue with MiL and see a bit less of her gradually.

Of my three children the first (30) slept on her tummy, the second (28) slept on his side, with a rolled blanket to support him, and the third (22) slept on her back - and suffered flat head symdrome! I was offered unsolicited advice for all three. The smile, nod and do it your way approach is best. As for weaning? Still feel that your should follow your instincts on that one. No rigid guidelines. We were advised on rusk in the bottle etc. We never did that, but they started weaning between 3-4 months. Seemed completely natural to me. I think the new recommendations of 6 months is a bit over the top, but each child is different.

May I suggest you ask her advice? I know on the face of it that sounds like asking for trouble but it starts a conversation in a good way. Perhaps "have a look at this, I expect it was different in your day but it seems to be the current thinking. What do you think". Then answer along the lines of "hmm, I understand why you think that because it was the way to do things when you had ..... but it looks like research has changed and they now suggest this way". It might stop her feeling defensive. Perhaps you can think of other things which have changed which are not related to current difficulties. One I can think of is that we used to put butter on a burn and now that is really a bad thing to do. You could also refer to how research changes over use of olive oil/vegetable oil/rapeseed oil. I can't keep up with which of these I am supposed to use and when! I am suggesting these things crop up in conversation and show you value her opinion on all sorts of things, not just babies and that you are happy to discuss. It would be a shame if it turned into a competition and one of you had to be right and one wrong.

I am becoming such a suspicious person - why does this thread remind me so strongly of another, even though it seems, on the face of it, to be taking a pro-mil stance?

Every generation has different ideas on how to bring up children than the preceding one, so let as much as possible go in one ear and out the other, and try to help your DH do the same.

Tell MIL kindly what the current advice is then change the subject if you can't just ignore what she suggests.

I would try seeing slightly less of her too.

DGM had the 'no sleeping on the back' rule drilled into her, in the past, and is having trouble disregarding it now.

If DGM genuinely believes that baby sleeping on his back is dangerous for him, she will not accept being ignored or told "That's how I do it".
Any time it crops up, you need to tell her firmly that this way is proven to be safer.

Likewise, with any other comments about safety you need to state clearly, every time, that you are following proven guidance.

Naturally, also let her know that you understand her concerns come from a position of love for the baby.

Don't spend so much time with her and ignore what you want to

Try taking her to the clinic with you and ask the staff there to explain things and why they have changed since she had her children. Sometimes it's comes over better from a professional person.

Misskae, you sound just lovely. You really do. Your mother in law is lucky to have you. Just gently show her some literature casually on the subject and leave it at that. You will be ok.

You sound a lovely daughter in law. Just listen and then do what you believe is my advice. Popping in is lovely. I used to do that when my 3 were young. Enjoy the contact x

You DS is lucky to have so much love around him. I have six grand children and was around to help when most were babies. As a mum myself 40 plus years ago I had very firm views about looking after my babies. Dr Spock was always at hand (the equivalent of google today) and I stuck to his advice. However my mother and MIL had other ideas. I don't know how it came across but I made detailed "lists" on everything, the way it had to be done, bottles and nappies sterilised (we used terries). Some mums did put babies on their tum but my midwife advised back. As it was my babies would never settle on their tums.
Most grand mothers are happy to move with new ideas, they know baby care ideas change with time. I know I was strict with hygiene, some family lived with pets and I was not prepared to have animals around a small baby. Some might disagree with me. As it happened by daughter and grand daughter did the same so hygiene was high on the "agreed" list.
As a new Nan I watched the mum and did what she did. I know I sometimes forgot and did thing my way but it did no harm. Maybe if you had a gentle word on "i do it this way" with a nice smile would be better than making it a confrontation. You must still be very tired much of the time and it is natural to want to do things your way. Many grannies want as little as possible to do with small babies so you are very lucky. It gives you a break and a bit of company plus baby get loads more love and stimulation.
As for other family, it takes all kinds. maybe with a new little cousin the children will bring the other side of the family together