Overbearing other grandmother

marionk

The problem with the cot is that it likely isn't safe. Most cots made before about 1985 aren't. The bars are often too wide and a baby could get his head stuck between them. Many are also drop side cots which are even more dangerous - the side could come down suddenly. Not to mention that materials don't last forever.

Yes, this mum and many other mums raised their babies and used cots that weren't technically "safe" and their babies didn't die, but sadly many babies weren't so fortunate. That's why we don't use those types of cots anymore. As we learn better we do better. (An example: back in the day most cars didn't have seatbelts, but I'm sure no one would take their GC in the car without one!)

If the cot is that old I'm not surprised the mum rejected it sight unseen. It needs to be replaced.

GabriellaG and nananina, did you actually see the deleted post before it disappeared? I did, it was very nasty, and oh, was it ever outrightly rude or deliberately meant to humiliate!

NQ posted what has now been described as her rude post shortly after being attacked, and she was a lot more polite than most would have been.

I actually think GNHQ shouldn't delete posts. If they'd left it standing, with a comment from themselves, you'd have seen why NQ was angry, and wouldn't now be having a go at her.

As always I missed reading the nasty post before GN deleted it (must get online earlier tomorrow) but in general thought others responses were kind and friendly

NordschleifeQueen,

Congratulations on soon becoming a Gran! What an exciting time and so many expectations! There are many threads on this forum about the role that one set of GPs plays, as opposed to the other.

As the mother of two women, I've been a maternal grandmother four times, so perhaps my perspective can help.

It is perfectly normal for daughters to prefer their mums (as opposed to their InLaws) especially when it's the birth of the first child. Childbirth is normal, safe and natural except when it's happening to your own 'baby girl'! The bond between mothers and daughters during this special time is not easily broken. It may seem as if maternal Grans get the front row seats more often, but they also share more worry, more responsibility, more time and more work!

The arrival of new baby is something to be clebrated and shared. Your role as a grandparent is just as important too. Get a sense of what your Son and DIL would like, then go out and pick a beautiful cot you can afford. Cherish this time and try to have fun in the process.....there's plenty of love to go around!

I think there have been some really thoughtful posts on here, all of which are reaching out to NQ but I am amazed at NQ's rude post. I am even more amazed that lovely MNts are still posting and trying to help the OP. OK there was a post some referred to but it has been removed. Some posts are trying to welcome NQ which is in my view more than she deserves.

I do believe that warmth, smiles, love, hugs and cuddles, trips to the park or playground, a listening ear for their news and troubles, reading with them and homemade cakes are remembered and valued by our grandchildren long after "stuff", no matter how much it cost, is outgrown and forgotten. I wasn't lucky enough to experience this from my own grandparents but have done my best to put this into practice with my 7 grandchildren and it works. The joy of being greeted with hugs and smiles even from the teenagers and the younger ones running into my open arms is as good as life gets. Although, now they are all growing so big I am in grave danger of being flattened at times.

Also, asking the parents what they would like or what would be helpful or useful is always a pretty good starting point for gifts.

I just remember my own experience as a mum. I always went to my own mum and dad first - it is quite natural - my mother in law was very kind and sensible - also very wise. She had two other children too and was a busy doctor. We always made sure our children had plenty of contact with them - my husband wouldn’t have had it any other way. However the emotional ties with my parents were naturally stronger. Nothing wrong with that. I have 3 children - two of them boys- one has a wife who has lost both her parents- the other son has a wife who still has both parents but who needs lots of help as one of their children is severely disabled. Her parents are always on hand as she naturally turns to them first - my son makes sure we see all his 4 children very regularly. I have always asked my daughters in law what they would like me to buy for the children- sometimes they let me decide - sometimes they suggest something- try not to worry too much or to get frustrated and cross- be patient and I’m sure in time - it will work out and they will be asking for help and advice- just wait till they ask. Your son must also play his part in including you.

Not, not nit

No NordschleifeQueen, we are nit horrible people. Some of us may be a little more to the point in our responses and have opposing views but, as long as the posts are not outrightly rude or deliberately meant to humiliate etc, then if you pose a question, you must expect a variety of views, some not to your liking.
It's a shame that you appear to have disappeared but on here, you get our honest views. Some are unpalatable truths but we learn from stepping back and seeing what others see, not hearing only what we want to hear.
Step back in and join the fray.

Dear NordschleifeQueen, I do hope you come back or at least look at the newer messages. The cruel one you referred to has been deleted by Gransnet.

Grandchildren can be a total joy, but sometimes the adult relationships take a bit of getting used to!

Enjoy your grandchild when the little one arrives. Hugs to you ??

Two of my grandsons (brothers) have the other Grandmother who has a portfolio of properties, so clearly I can't and never have tried to compete, just given them love and what I can afford in gifts. It is interesting to discover that these two lads prefer me. One of them said to me "I dont go to see her because she's not like you grandma" I had tears in my eyes.

I can see this unravelling as have many before it on here.
10-1 it won't go the distance but you can be sure that the woes between DC, DGC and GPs will keep these forums busy in the years to come.
It might be an idea if the parents bought their own cot, pram and clothes instead of telling tbeir parents what to buy.
The angst and 'competition' between GPs, AC and GC never ceases to amaze me.

NordschleifeQueen, I can understand why you would want to gift the cot you had been saving. It means a lot to you - happy memories which you'd like to pass on.

Perhaps the GF wants to make fresh memories of her own, as did you when you became a mother.

Personally, I would not get involved in a 'I spent more than you' competition. The old adage of 'It's the thought that counts' still stands true today.

I wish you well and for happy times ahead with your new GC. xx

Don't give up, responses are generally open and considered. I have a gs living 500 miles away. DiL's parents are very wealthy so no way can I compete with gifts etc. I am very lucky though in that DIL does not make differences. In your situation just do your own thing regarding gifts. If you do want to buy the cot obviously find out which one would be acceptable or give money for parents to do the necessary. Being so far away I just gave money. If you have a strong feeling about your cot not being acceptable could you offer a car seat perhaps. There have probably been a lot of changes to cot requirements since your DS was born therefore try not to feel it has been dismissed offhand. Also may not be able to source a mattress to fit safely as sizes change. Congratulations!

I'm a paternal G. Never once have the other GP and I discussed prospective gifts and all has gone extremely well and I can only think of one 'almost' duplication. We don't meet often but get on rather well when we do. I think the sensible thing to do is approach the parents stating your desire to contribute and perhaps they will come up with a thought-out item that suits all three of you be it a cot or something else. Good luck and serious congrats on the forthcoming GC. Hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Yes, as mother of son - DIL’s parents took over wedding and then more so when my first GC was born 4 yrs ago and continue to do so. I’ve heard this is so commom with DILs - paternal grandparents hardly getting a look-in.

I have never seen it as a competition and have only bought what I can afford (being a single Snr) so don’t get hung up about what I buy or how much time I get to spend with my GC. ?

can you use your family cot at your house for naps when the baby is visiting? but do invest in a new mattress for it please as the old ones can harbour some nasty germs

Just bear in mind that grandparenting is not a competitive sport!! offer loads of time maybe to help out with the new baby, if you feel you can't compete with the expensive pram. Loads of love is is really all that is needed when the new baby arrives! good luck

I fear that after reading the initial responses NordschleifeQueen has made good on her promise never to come on GN again. I shall be very sad if that is the case and she has left without seeing the kinder responses that followed.

Are you reading these messages now NordschliefeQueen?

DH and I have more money to spend on our DGC than other GM. Does that make us better GP? Certainly not. It is time and love that matters. Playing with your DGC, loving them and caring about them. The baby will not care who bought the prom or the cot or if it isn't gold plated. The baby's will just want to be loved.

Excellent post absent ... and it could almost be my situation (though I am more a baker than a game player!)

There are always things to adjust to in new family dynamics. DDs in-laws could buy and sell me, and I have had to adapt to their higher financial input (wedding/equipment purchases/gifts etc). They also live further away, so now DD has returned to work the GC go to stay for 3-4 days at a time, in the holidays.
I am always hearing about what a super time they have.
However, similarly to absent , I contribute in a very different way. SIL is away much of the time, so I help with a lot of the day to life....from school collections, to being on hand for the unexpected trip to A&E.
My own DDs adored their paternal grandparents....who lived thousands of miles away, and saw them twice a year.

The only thing that matters is that the GC are growing up knowing they are loved by all their extended family. There are no losers, if it is never made into a competition.
(estrangements excepted! that is a different ball game)

I think you can give the baby love and time. You can give the parents that and support and they are things nobody can buy.

Well off grandparents may provide beautiful things for their grandchild.

Not so well off grandparents provide giggles, mud pies, walks in the park, visits to the library and making chocolate krispies.

I know which set I prefer.

However, these are, of course not mutually exclusive and most well off grandparents manage all of the above. And I hope most not so well off grandparents realise the value of what they provide.

I am the paternal GM and have never been made to feel second best, from the very beginning I have been the babysitter and provider of shoes.
DIL's parents live a considerable distance from them and it would not be practical for them to do day to day care.
First time round I bought the pram and car seat and for the second one a new cot mattress and bedding. There was never any mention of other GPs wanting to buy any of the items, I would have been happy for them to participate and I would have stepped back, but it didn't happen.