Overbearing other grandmother

My son lives overseas and they live very close to their paternal grandparents I have always accepted they will grow up to know and love these grandparents more than me
I did have a jealous moment when I visited to meet the second baby for the first time he was a few months old and the other grandma hardly gave me a look in (as she knew what was best etc and kept whisking him away) My son was annoyed and my daughter in law was a bit embarrassed about it and I bristled inwardly for a bit as I was only there for a few weeks but my daughter in law is lovely so I had no thought of letting it spoil things too much
I have grown to realise that daughters always gravitate to their own mums ( I did myself) and I certainly had a really close relationship with my own Nan but only saw my paternal Gran once a week although we all lived close geographically I don’t remember any presents or contact with that gran and grandad, although she was a lovely gentle person

I do so hope you are still there Nord please pop back and talk to us I see Diktat has posted again well I think you owe Nord an apology

Grandchildren – and I have six of them, ranging from three to 16 – are a joy, a delight, a pain in the neck and a worry that keeps you awake all night. What happens before and immediately after the first one is born doesn't have to set the pattern for the rest of their lives or the rest of ours. Cots, prams, clothes, toys, etc. are things and, of course, it is nice to help your daughter/son with the staggering costs of a newborn baby. It is not a competition and anyone in the family who makes it so is being unutterably silly and no one else in the family should take any notice.

What any sensible parent wants from their child's grandparents is love, time, care and thoughtfulness; they may not fully realise this before the child makes an appearance.

What I have found as a grandparent is that I am the only one in the family who has the time and patience to mix paints and provide huge sheets of paper for painting. I am the only one who has the time to play endless games of snakes and ladders, Dodge the Dino, Ludo, backgammon, Lunch Box, Hungry Dinosaurs, go fish, the Captain's Mistress, etc. and read the same story to the three-year-old eight times on the trot. That is not because my son-in-law's parents are uncaring – far from it as they are wonderfully loving but just live further away and cannot see the children on a daily or even weekly basis. As far as I know they are not jealous of the time (quite a lot) that the grandchildren spend with me and nor am I jealous of how the grandchildren rave about the magically wonderful time they have had when they have visited Grandma and Grandad.

Being a grandparent is something we do for the rest of our lives. It would be wise to do it informed by love and an ability to keep the lip zipped about "it wasn't like that in my day". It would be silly to compete with the "other" grandparents because it is something they will also do for the rest of their lives.

I am fortunate in that I get on very well with the other grandparents, although we don't see each other very often. However, if we didn't get on, I would a) continue to be polite and b) take no notice of anything derogatory about me.

I was in a similar position and decided I was never going to try to compete. I asked what cot they would like and as it was within the budget I could afford, that was what I bought.if you can’t afford the style they would like just put money towards it. 4years down the line the other grandparents still rush out buying big items for grandchild , much to sons despair (small house)I give my time and have a lovely relashionship with my gd. Look forward to meeting this little person and enjoy being a granma it is a special time.

I'm the paternal granny of one of my 4 GC,she has lived with us for half of every week since she was a year old .Her parents split and decided on joint custody ,mum stayed with her other granny and dad came back home to us .
She has had the best time having two grannies in her life and thats what your little one will need .So please dont get upset about the other GP being able to afford more than you,what things cost doesn't count with babies.All they need is people who love them .Dont try to make them take your old cot though ,as others have said safety standards have changed since yours and mine were babies .Offer them something towards a new cot if you cant afford to pay it all and get them some leaflets so you can be involved in choosing what they want.Above all ENJOY the lead up to the birth and the special wee person who will steal your heart

The gift doesn’t have to be of equal value. You buy what you can afford. Old cots are notorious for their lack of modern day safety standards. Would you really want your dgc sleeping in an unsafe cot?

If you keep competing with the maternal grandma, you’ll lose.

It's great that you want to buy for the baby as most GM's would. You shouldn't feel put out by not being able to buy the pram though. Just concentrate on loving the beautiful baby.
My DD's MiL didn't offer to contribute anything. As far as I know they didn't even buy a pack of nappies !
DD and husband were short of cash when first DGS was born. DH and I bought the cot and the pram, and we have kept a roof over DC heads on more than one occasion. Out-laws seem more than happy for us to do so

I don't think there were nasty posts. Just the one, which has now been removed (and possibly its author with it). It's very unfortunate that someone's first venture into the wonderful world of Gransnet was met with such a barrage of abuse. I do hope NordschleifeQueen is still lurking, reading the many supportive and helpful posts and considering coming back.

I am a paternal and a maternal grandmother, lucky enough to be treated well by both sides, and to have lovely co-grandparents, who we get on really well with. From my knowledge of my friends' relationships with the in-laws, I'd say this was the norm. Happily.

Hi nord please do not be put off by the nasty posts. As others have said the majority of posters here even if they want to show another poster another side or viewpoint in order to help will not post insu h a harsh in fact no nasty manner. I expect their experiences of such situations has made them lash out here sadly. If not i can see no ned for their rudenes. As others have said, i would step back don't feel you have to compete otherwise you will not be able to enjoy the future relationships that can develop when your grandchild arrives. If they are materialistic they need to learn that you are not any less loving than they are just because they spend more. From what you. say the other grandmother-to-be sounds like someone to have little to do with in terms of competing just don't join in. If her dauhter is the same then I don't know but hopefully your son will make sure she understands it's not about who cares more spends more. I too wondered if the cot would be ok to use now. How old is it? There are things to do with paint used many years ago etc.

Prams are expensive or at least they can be, you don't have to buy anything that is equilivlent in price.
If her parents offered to buy the pram, surely that's nice?

The rocky patch is in the past, its gone, over. It can't of been that bad if they made a baby!
If I can give you my experience, its upto you if you take it...

I had no relationship with my MIL, like at all, if anything it was obvious she didn't like me. I knew.
Did I want to spend time with her without my partner? No.
Did that get better after I had the baby? Nope.

IME, this is the perfect time to build some bridges.
Whatever has gone on in the past, its done. This is a new start.
Get to know your sons partner, there is nothing you can do about the relationship, she's close to her mom, she IS going to want her mom, there's nothing you can do about that & if you try hold resentment about it, it will hurt you! Try and build a relationship with her and see if you can be her friend. That will work in everyones favour as time goes on.

I was also very close to my paternal nan. So it doesn't always mean the maternal nan is the 'closest'

Welcome Nordschiefqueen sorry your first post was met with such a harsh response from Diktat.
Congratulations on the new grandchild, try to relax about all this, don't be competitive just support your family and enjoy the new baby.
Agnurse had a good idea about funding the cot, I think your old one will probably not meet current safety standards.
Good luck.

Hi Nordscheifequeen (blimey that’s a hard one to type) Like JaneA says...... I too am a paternal grandma of 3 wonderful grandchildren and the relationship they have with me is very different to the one they have with their maternal grandma. We have zero in common and VERY different lifestyles but somehow it all just fits together.

Don’t be put off by weird post which is certainly not typical of Gransnet.

Ps Enjoy your grandchild that’s the main thing !

Nordschleifequeen
I’m another who was rather shocked by diktat’s response. All I can say is that I’ve never seen them on GN before & such unkindness is not at all typical.

I’m a paternal GM too, and
1. The relationship is different from that with the maternal GM but not inferior and is due to personality more than anything else. Don’t let unnecessary rivalry spoil things before your DGC has even arrived.
2. I never buy things for any GDCs without consulting their parents first, except small things like books or puzzle books that I know they would like. I think it’s more helpful to give money to the family and they can spend it as they think fit, rather than foisting stuff on them that they don’t like or is inappropriate in some way.

I hope you manage to put the unpleasant message from the other GM about your son firmly in the past where it belongs.
For all you know, she may be deeply regretting ever having sent it.
The person who will most lose out if you fall out with the GF and her mother is your grandchild, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that.

Waterbaby

Unless your son and his partner aren't together, I would strongly recommend you NOT go down the court route. That's a wonderful way to ensure that you will NEVER see those children again.

This is your son's partner. His first loyalty needs to be to her.

If at some point they do separate, your best bet would be to see the children on his time.

It's often very difficult for families to make things "exactly equal". For us, for example, it would be impossible. My parents live 4 hours drive away and Hubby's parents live overseas. We see my parents a few times a year and Hubby's parents every few years.

As far as the cot, it may well not be safe. While it's obviously got history attached to it, generally cots made prior to about 1985 or so aren't safe. The bars are too wide and a baby could get his or her head stuck. If it's a drop side cot those are even more dangerous. Obviously you raised your children with it, and everybody was okay, but sadly not every baby was so lucky. As we learn better we do better.

You might suggest that they find a cot they like and then you will finance it. This is what my parents did when my sister had a baby. You can set a budget to let them know what you can afford.

At the end of the day, how much money you spend shouldn't really matter. The baby won't notice if it's a £100 or £1000 cot! It's just a place to sleep.

Might you have some lovely baby clothes or toys from when your children were little? (Just make sure you inspect any toys for mold or broken pieces first.) Those would be special for the baby. Or, if you're crafty, you could make an embroidered baby quilt or a birth record. I have done this for some nieces and nephews and they are not hard to make.

Don't even try to compete.
Who told you that you are buying the cot, my response would have been it would be nice to be asked if I'd like to. Generally it is assumed the woman's parents do get first dibs on any news etc regarding grandchildren, it's just a fact plain and simple, not worth stressing over.

Hear, hear Marydoll. Please don’t give up on us. I sympathise with you and understand how you must feel. Congratulations and I hope things feel better soon.

NordschleifeQueen, Congratulations.
I'm sorry you had such a rude reply to your first post. We are not all like that. There are some lovely people on GN, please do not judge us all by that harsh response to your OP.

Stella, your first paragraph has been my experience to. Nord, congratulations on the new grandchild, hope all goes well.

Welcome Nord's, I have no g/c yet, I'm also a Mum of boys. I hope you are still here. Sorry you had such a horrible rude start to Gransnet. We are honestly not all like that. I hope you stay. Congrats on the new grandchild, how wonderful for you all. Relax about who buys what, just express your happiness to them both.

I agree Diktat's post was very unkind and unnecessary . I'm sorry this was your introduction to GN. Most folk are kind. Do persevere. I only have sons and as yet no GC. I think it is probably true that mums favour their own mums but that is life. Hope all goes well.

You have my total sympathy Nordschleife Queen, I am in exactly the same situation as you, with my son's mother in law being wealthy and overbearing. She even bought the pram and me the cot! Always spending money and throwing her weight around. My relationship with my son has totally broken down thanks to my daughter in law and her mother. I live in hope that one day my son will realise he has got it so wrong . In the meantime I send the occasional message to my son and gifts to my older grand daughter and the little one I haven't even seen. It breaks my heart.
It is not petty or unreasonable of you to expect to be treated fairly and with respect as a grandma (given that your son's partner obviously will be closer to her mother). Children need as many grandparents as they can get!
I thought I had a lovely relationship with my daughter in law until the baby arrived and then I was pushed aside and criticised whatever I tried to do.
My ex-husband is trying to help but to no avail. I think I may eventually need to go to Court to gain access to my beautiful grand daughters.
I am blessed with the very best daughter, friends and ex-in-laws anyone could wish for - that keeps me going. She is wonderful - I just hope she will make me a grandma again one day!
Ignore the nasty people and enjoy the little one as much as you can.
All the best!
PS - my first post too!

Welcome Nords I was pretty shocked at Diktats post too, I was reading it thinking where did that come from it was really sounding vindictive and personally insulting What a welcome! please be assured most people on here won’t be that harsh
First of all congratulations on the new baby, I would just go along with the pleasure of having a first little grandchild and forget about the ‘other side’ I would buy them the cot they want, definitely include your daughter in law in the choice Don’t feel too hurt about the family cot it might have been more acceptable to offer if it was your own daughter but understandable that a daughter in law having no history with it wants a new one
You may feel sidelined at times in the future as girls for the most part ( not all) do gravitate to their own family or mums over babies and pregnancies, looking back I certainly didn’t spend much time thinking about my in laws I just wanted my Mum it was slightly different as they had other grandkids it was Mum and dads first and the in laws lived away I did include them but perhaps not as much as I should have ideally
Please don’t let pushy in laws or this forum cause you stress just love and enjoy the little one in whichever way you can
?

I don’t think think all the posts have been harsh. There would always be a mix of views. Maybe give us another try?

Congratulations to you all nordschleifeQueen. Exciting times ahead.

Try to put your (understandable) reaction to the hurtful message about your son to one side. It’s in the past. No point hanging on to it.

You definitely don’t have to compete with the other Granny financially or any other way. We’re also paternal grandparents. Bought the cot for one and contributed to a cot for the other (the one they wanted was outside of our budget). The first bought their cot and gave us the bill, the second asked us along for the choosing process. Either way was fine by us, their baby and their choice. It’s understandable when grandparents to be want to buy things for the baby, best to be led by the parents to be though. I did buy some small items, just a few. Nothing expensive though, just things I liked and believed the parents to be would also like. I suspect they humoured me . It will be fine, just relax.

Sometimes it’s best to focus in the relationship with the baby’s parents, don’t get sucked into competition or overlook the feelings of your son and his partner. I hope the pram was their choice.p and they like/need/want the other things that are being purchased.

Try not to worry about the other family. It’s natural your sons partner will turn to her own Mum, don’t let it worry you. We find our grandchildren have enough love for all their grandparents. I’m sure yours will too.

Jeez what a bunch of awful people you are. That's the first and last time I will use this forum. I'm not being competitive and not sure why we are secondary grandparents. You seem to forget I am a mother and I always made sure that neither my parents nor my husband's parents were favoured.

You nasty people.