All or None

Skinnypuppy I've been reading most of the replies and maybe can only suggest you make the boundaries in your own house. My in-laws would only ever take 2 at a time of ours. Didn't matter which 2 and I thought the one left behind would be difficult, and it was a bit, but then it wasn't the in-laws idea for us to have so many kids. I was grateful that at least 2 of them had time with their GPS.
My own DGS told us on his last treat, which he had to share with his sibling, that what he really wanted was to have his parents all to himself without Her!!

Would have meant gd could have had a special evening with mum and dad to herself and vice versa when tables turned, can't see the problem but as everybody else has said - her children her rules.

Rocknroll5me, Here is how a visit from Daughter's new puppy and her family goes. They show up he plops his ass down on couch and plays on phone, she does the same, GC's play video or get taken out to garden or park, dog shits and pisses on floor, They leave we clean up how is that for a step to far.

I think refusing to let your DIL bring her puppy was a step too far.

Sorry I agree with your daughter its all or nothing I can see where she is coming from.
why not just have all three for the day?

I can understand how the little girl could be upset by that. It might work better if you asked just one child at a time, so there would be two left at home rather than just one feeling left out.

Also, Icanhandthemback has a good suggestion of having the 4 and 6 year olds together. They're more similar in age and are more likely to enjoy the same sort of films/games etc than a 6 and 12 year old anyway. Also, very likely that the 12 year old will not be wanting as many sleepovers at grandparents over the next couple of years as they go out or stay with friends, you'd be better off getting the 4 and 6 year old used to staying there together, as it's likely to happen for longer.

I have 4 GCs and very rarely have more than one to sleepover at any time, (tried it once, it didn't work!).
They are 16, 12, 10 and 6 with two boys, two girls. I tend to have the boys over me than the girls, because 10 yr GD has active dance career and DD thinks 6yr GD too young, (she also has life threatening allergies so I understand her concerns).

I think having the GCs one at a time is the best solution and if DD objects, simply say that you feel this is easier for you to give each of your GCs quality time when they are with you.
The decision is then up to your DD.

Although I can see your point that you can't cope with all 3 at once. I can see your daughters point too. It may be that this arrangement has worked in the past, but your GD is approaching an age where they begin to have more of an understanding of being left out and 'fairness'. Her brothers going to school is a completely different scenario. You say she won't notice if no one tells her but a 4 year old will. She will be wanting to be like her big brothers and be included by them, and will probably see being treated differently as babying her. Obviously they go to the in laws because they can have them all together. I think the fairest is to have them one at a time for some 'quality time'.

Maybe the GD got upset last time they stayed with you or maybe their father was left out of things and is sensitive to it. Whatever the reasons, it is how it is and analysing it is not really going to help. You just have to find another way. Perhaps having them for a shorter time that you can cope with until your husband is able to help with longer stays. As a child who had to deal with a great deal of exclusion, I can see where the father is coming from if that was also his experience and there is nothing you can do but accept their views.

I would have the gd first and make it a girlie time without the brothers, and explain myself that it's the boys turn next and she can have some peace and quiet. Sometimes you're doomed if you do and doomed if you don't being a gp

I think you have to remember that a child of 4 lives in the moment and waiting for her treat of staying with you will cause her upset. She probably makes her parents lives a bit of a misery whilst the boys are with you so they will want to minimise that side of things. If it were my children, I would probably ask you to have the 4 and 6 year old together with the eldest coming on another occasion. After all, at 12 you can understand. In your position, I would explain that I wasn't questioning their decision but ask if they'd talk you through their reasoning to see if there was any compromise available. As a parent I would be completely browned off with my parents if they thought I was being unreasonable taking the emotions of my children into account. They'd be awful parents if they didn't.

I’m afraid you are “just” the grandparents. These are their children, their responsibility, their decisions.

It sounds like you think you should have much more say in how their lives are lived. Still in control in fact.

Perhaps your daughter is “just” reluctant to hand any of her children over to you. For her own reasons.

I agree with soda pop. Look to your own relationship with her. You do sound like someone who will have things his own way.

I have three kids of my own, and my DD has 3 kids as well. You seem to be unable to accept the fact, regardless of your reasons, that from a child's point of view, it could seem theat you favour the boys over the little girl. She may have been asking why she can't go. The boys may have been teasing her ( as brothers do) that she is not wanted. You simply cannot treat them differently. It isn't the daughter being awkward. She is just being a mum. We are investing in a triple bunkbed for just this eventuality. All or one at a time. Quite reasonable.

We had exactly this once our GD was old enough to notice our GS was not allowed to stay over unless we took both of them we could not manage that so he never stayed over again, BUT now that she is older she is allowed to stay without him. I believe that this is because she would make so much fuss if she wasn’t allowed to whereas he just accepted it.

Lucky you! We haven’t had any of our grandchildren for a sleepover in the last five years. We see them every week but they are never allowed to stay. Something to do with ‘upsetting their sleep patterns.’

There is a sharpness to your comments op. I think the issue you need to consider firstly is your communication. If your daughter doesn’t feel respected by you she is more likely to shut down your suggestions which only leads to your wife and grandchildren missing out. Sometimes our communication misses the mark like my previous post wishing you good luck, make sure your not doing the same with your daughter.

Seems like you have made up your mind anyway skinnypuppy40 and just wanted validation not opinions.
I think there are other issues with your daughter than just this and maybe you need to address this before things get more serious.

You asked for opinions. Some people felt as you do, some felt differently.

Ok well if you would have read my comment it wasn't like we were just going to take the two boys and ignore the GD We asked if she could come over on her own. So how is that any different than taking one at a time? We take the two boys then we take her by her self sheeeeshe it isn't that hard to understand.

One at a time or all three at once is what I think. In my opinion, there should never be any risk that a child might feel he or she is neing excluded.

as to there being no need to tell her ,the boys will make sure she knows ,thats what wee boys do!

I often have all 4 of mine at once and sometimes for a few days at a time.I think its easier to keep them amused when they have company .I wouldn't ever take two of a family and leave one out ,thats not kind .The 4 year old is definately old enough to feel left out and she'll remember that for a long time .There are ways round the bed situation , a camp bed for the youngest perhaps or push the beds together and let them all sleep in sleeping bags in the bed .

I agree with Monica and I add that it’s not unreasonable to make decisions based on what you feel is right for your own children. Whether we agree or disagree is unreasonable. We have to accept it and respect it. If you can find an alternative that your grandchildren’s parents agree with that’s great. Don’t spend so much energy on thinking about them being unreasonable.

skinnypuppy Do not kid yourself, 4 year old is quite capable of noticing if she thinks anything is unfair.

Her brothers going to school or having a sleepover with friends is very different from a treat like staying with you and your DH.

As I said, being one of three and knowing how the youngest one noticed and misinterpreted things that now damage adult relationships, I would say do not waste time looking for explanations or feeling aggrieved. Just give each child their night in the sun, so to speak and your undivided attention.