Husband and I have very different style as grandparents

Starlady, great suggestions, thank you. Yes, DH would probably be happy to see them once a week and I am constantly telling him not to do more than he feels comfortable doing (he really doesn't have to). I just think that when he IS with them, he should try and make it more pleasant.... quality vs. quantity!
It's an ongoing struggle but the last few days have been better. I don't think it's a coincidence that this is since I've been on GN!
The support and reassurance here has been wonderful, I must say. Thank you all

Is it possible that dh would rather spend less time with the gc than you do? That might make things easier on everybody, too.

Phillippa, I think the first thing here is to try to help dh remember to take his meds - for everyone's sake, not just the gc's. I think you've been given some great suggestions on how to do that.

Also, have you asked him to tone down the yelling? He may not realize how scary it is.

Can you minimize the occasions where these problems occur? For example, if the chocolate bar issue always comes up at lunch, then perhaps avoid having lunch together. Maybe see them after lunch or meet at the park, etc. Or provide other activities the kids can enjoy while the adults are having lunch, like coloring books or whatever, depending on their age. (I know they should eat lunch, but if their parents are going to give them chocolate bars, etc., then that's not going to happen.) Or if lunch is at your house, perhaps you can make sure there's no candy in the house? Then when the gc ask for a chocolate bar, you can just say, "Sorry, we don't have any."

I realize lunch was just an example. But, hopefully, there are ways to prevent other problems, as well. Neither you or dh are going to win the discipline battle with dd and sil. So, imo, you need to minimize the effect on you.

Imo, too, if dd's feeling helpless to deal with her own children, she and sil need some parenting classes or family counseling. But that, of course, is up to them.

So lucky that OH is great with GCs- and that we have a lot of space for them to go a bit wild here. But he is much stricter than me ... same was with ours.

Many of my friends complain about the lack of patience from their GOM (Grumpy Old Man) with GCs, and being over strict - possibly as a reaction to the parents being just not strict enough.

PECS: wow, that's exactly what my DH does: if there is an upset and I am already dealing with it he can't keep out of it and comes to add his 2penneth, even if he did not see what happened! It is really annoying!
And of course DH adds his bit in a really angry voice so the whole thing escalates unnecessarily :-(

DH is generally very good with the DGC and plays a full on active grandad role with them..takes them out, plays games with them etc etc. but if there is an upset and I am already dealing with it he can't keep out of it and comes to add his 2penneth, even if he did not see what happened! It is really annoying!
He is also more particular than me re sticky fingers/ spillages etc and makes a huge fuss (imo) wiping tables, faces etc before they have finished eating, Drives me mad!
I do get them to wipe hands and faces (well the younger ones) before they get down..but only when they are done! However they all adore him ..so it can't be all bad!

My DH has very little patience with children (he was the same with his own) and sees little of the GSs. The two youngest came round one day when he was out and the first comment was "Granddad's not here, we can shout!"

Children have to learn that everyone is different and they have to learn to get on with other people.

GabriellaG - that's exactly it. The pattern is that the kids want something, the parents say no, the kids whine and nag, and eventually the parents give in. So the kids learn to whine and nag and they will get what they want.
It drives me NUTS.
My DD and I have a very open relationship and we talk about it and she agrees with me but has this sort of "what can I do? approach - like she's helpless in face of the kids demands. She has a hectic life with 3 kids and 2 careers so I get it, but still.....

Hi hear you JanaNana, but what about the fact that he shouts at the kids in a way that is actually scary? I am not talking about setting limits in our house, I completely agree with that and do too. It's his very aggressive manner towards them (not all the time, but quite often) that causes the problems between us, and between us and our DD

Stop placating these horrid grumpy old men..... they do it all for attention... "Concentrate on me,me,me, not on those kids" My husband is the same , my grandchildren refuse to even speak to their granddad unless prodded by me or their parents!! All because his nose has been 'put-out-of-joint' by their arrival and the time I like to spend with them.Can you believe a 72 year old being jealous of his own grandkids. It's not a pretty thought is it. Stop placating ladies.... It's them missing out!

If any of mine whined for a chocolate bar, there is no way they'd be given one either before OR after the meal.
To do so would reinforce their sense of entitlement. Whine and it shall be given. Never.
Some parents....

Your husband obviously sees something in their behaviour that warrants being the disciplinarian. Yes they are your grandchildren but this is your house. What they might be allowed to do/ get away with in their own homes is another matter.
You should be allowed to have your own ground rules within your own home.
We have seen similar threads to this in the past were the grandchildrens" behaviour becomes a bone of contention either between the grandparents themselves or between the grandparents and the children's parents.
Unless your husband is especially strict then he should be allowed to have an equal say in what happens ...after all this is his home too.

There seems to be a lot of inconsistency in discipline all round resulting in badly behaved children and that is what is really causing the problem. Ground rules should have been set and adhered to from the early days so you only have yourselves to blame for that failure!

How to proceed now....remove as much of the things as possible which are causing the problems when they are at yours so switch off the internet if you don't want them to be on devices all the time, have two of everything so there are fewer things to argue about, hide the snacks and only give them for good behaviour, provide lots of interesting and exhausting activities for rowdy boys (and girls) with lots of adult interaction, insist on good manners at the table or they can leave and be hungry until the next meal etc. It is your husband's home as much as yours so he should have equal say in what goes on when grandchildren are there.

Phillipa if you have an Alexa get her to remind him! I've set ours to remind OH...."Mr Chelseababy have you taken your tablet" - she pipes up every evening at 7!

Can he see that if they are 'fighting' and he pulls them apart roughly he might appear to be condoning rough / aggressive behaviour......?

Just put the pill out with his toast and coffee or whatever he has then you aren’t nagging him

Maybe get one of those pill boxes with days of the week? He is not forgetting to take them, he is choosing not to.

Thanks muffinthemoo - I am kicking myself that I didn't check. I am sure he doesn't miss a dose intentionally, he's always very forgetful anyway.
He normally takes the pill in the morning after breakfast and I guess I need to remind him... although then I get accused of nagging. Can't win really.
Anyway today is already a better day.
There have been some brilliant suggestions on this thread and I really appreciate the support.
Just having the group here to share concerns with has made me feel less lonely - thank you all very much

My MIL adored her GC They could do no wrong not so with FIl. He told me I was an irresponsible mother as it was clear MIL ruled the roost so he had to put the blame on someone. To keep the peace and as my MIL was always there for me when needed I knew when to keep quiet. It did not seem to bother my kids that granddad could frequently be 'grumpy' so that was the main thing.

I have friends on Wellbutrin and they definitely report feeling really rough if they forget a dose. I think that might be part of the problem

He's on Wellbutrin, it's not an SSRI. I think he forgets quite often and I should have realized and asked him. The extra grumpiness should have been a giveaway....

As a long term user of SSRIs, no way he forgot to take his pills for a week. The discontinuation effects make you feel somewhere between really bad and deathly. You don’t forget to take them once the comedown kicks in.

If he is attempting a cessation of his treatment without medical advice, this is extremely unwise.

bama2U, it sounds like we are in similar situations, thanks for sharing with me. I wish you well and hope things improve. Thanks also for some really good suggestions.

Starlady: it's many things, not just the electronics. Let me give you an example. We are all together, just getting lunch ready, and the kids start whining that they want a chocolate bar, 10 minutes before the meal. We'd all say "you can have some chocolate after lunch", right? Well my daughter and SIL just give in immediately and then of course the kids don't want to eat, so they are bored at the table, and cause us to have an unpleasant meal....
See the kind of thing I mean?
So I just smile and try to ignore it but H goes mad and the tension begins.
I should add that H suffers from mild to moderate depression and is on medication for it. I've just found out that he hasn't been taking his pills (says he forgot) for the last week or so!
Thanks for letting me vent and for all the great advice.
This site is wonderful, so glad I found it