Grandson confusion

I seem to recollect that LLL posted, some time ago, in a similarly blunt and abrasive manner jud, so it seems to be just their way of expressing themselves unfortunately. Only you can be the judge of your current situation, so try not to be deflated by our harsher posters.

Better that you help DGS find him than he searches himself and gets into a sticky situation on his own. Arrange to meet the father but you go with him and make sure the meeting is in a neutral place, cafe, etc. Don't give the father your address if he doesn't have it already.

Are you speaking from experience LiveLaughLove ?

It seems to me that judthepud was simply asking for advice ( as I have done many times) and was not trying to “insert herself” at all ( what a nasty thing to say to a loving caring grandparent) .

That is why it would be wise for someone who has a professional skill at managing situations of this kind to support the boy. Dad may reject him, may respond positively initially then pull out, be inconsistent & confusing or may be pleased to be good & caring father to him. Whatever the outcome the boy will need someone neutral to steer him through the process.

Its not in your place to insert yourself into any of this.

I didn't insert myself anywhere LLL DGS came to me to talk about this. His mum (biological parent) suggested that she was a bit biased and he might like to talk to me as trusted Gran who is on his side. He had questions he needed answered as to why is father is not in his life.

And I have no intention of arranging any meeting with the father. This is not my responsibility. It is up to him and his mum to sort this out. My request to GNers was ideas to support my GS with his anger and distress. I have received some excellent ideas. Thank you for those.

However, I have been somewhat taken aback by accusations of being controlling, manipulating and brainwashing. I do not know where the father is, nor do I have access to his social media. And never once have I suggested GS be 'blocked' from seeing his biological father. We know that a meeting is inevitable.

By the way, it might be worth mentioning, when people post on here with problems, they are often worried or distressed and looking for help with solutions. 'Blunt' and negative criticism is not helpful at all.
?

All LiveLaughLaove has done is word her advice in a blunter way

Why is it bitter and unpleasant, regardless of how much caring the grandparent’s have done over the years they are not the biological parents. If LiveLaughLaove has personal experience of this she is a good person to give good blunt advice.

Case of a pot calling the kettle black!

Bitter, unpleasant, unhelpful and probably based
On a distorted view of personal
Ecperience

Its not in your place to insert yourself into any of this. This is not your decision to control or have an opinion over for you are NOT his parent - and he will eventually hear the other side of the story whether or not you like it. It's inevitable as long as they are both alive. And if you or your daughter try to interfere, control, deceive or manipulate him from seeing/contacting his father in any way he will eventually turn this anger onto the both of you and probably cut you both off as soon as he turns 18. He has very right to want to reach out to his dad, and get answers to the questions that he knows ONLY his father can answer. But if you shield him from this quest, you'd better hope and pray that nothing happens to father before he gets to hear the other side of the story, gets his questions answered or finds some form of resolution to the anger that you say he has. And from your responses alone you seem to KNOW how and where to find his father online - but choose to withhold this information from him, meaning you ARE blocking his access to his dad, whilst "preparing him for what will be said." Sounds so controlling and almost brainwashing to me. Let that boy talk to his father and decide for himself - without any outside influences - what kind of a man his father is. You are all playing mind games with this boy due to fear of what will be said and you know it. Eventually he will just sneak out and see his own father, and build a relationship with him and if he wants to even leave your home and move in with him for that's his right to do so and you can't take it away.

I agree with notanan2 at least you can keep an eye on what is happening

Very difficult situation. The little boy want to see his father for himself. Assist him to do this. He will find out for himself the truth. Try not to bad mouth his father, it will come back and bite you. Trust that you have brought him up in a loving and safe home. He is young, but what he is trying to do is only natural. It would have happened down the track if not now. Make some enquiries about getting some professional help for yourself on how best to handle the situation and how to assist him with the possible fallout. Good luck.

If he is a gasslighter, he will assume that you will tell DGS the truth.
So will behave the opposite way (at least initially) to make you look like a nasty liar.

THAT is how he will turn DGS against you. He won't have to do or say anything else. You are making it easy for him.

Re: he might have changed
I'M not saying to you that he might have changed.

I'm saying that by you saying that you make yourself more approachable to your DGS on this issue.

You cannot be there for him if he stops telling you about his search for his dad.

If he is a gasslighter you are playing RIGHT into the palm of his hand right now.

Please please play this a bit smarter.

Yes I take on board what you are saying about 'warning' DGS about his bio father, but the man is a gaslighter. Part of his strategy of abuse. I don't want DGS to think things going wrong are his fault. He is still a child. I worry so much about his mind being messed with.

Re: he might have changed. Here is another piece of info about him. After DD, he had another relationship and a son. That ended with her escaping to England with the child and taking out a restraining order against him!

And your DGS wont be sneaking off alone on a train somewhere which is the most important part.

He might not want you involved if he wants to make his mind up for himself but you keep "warning" him about his dad.

If it was me I would say "to be honest DGS I havent seen your dad in years so I cant tell you how he will be when you meet him now. I hope he is well and it would be really interesting to find out more about his life. How about we all invite him to the local Christmas market, that way it will be a relaxed way for you to meet and you wont be alone so you wont have to worry too much about what to say etc that first time?"

If he no-shows you will be there and THEN you can tell DGS its not his fault just biodad following form

But

If he DOES show up and is charming (as manipulating people can be) you won't come out of it looking like the nasty bitter obstructive ones.

but I really feel DGS needs to have some idea of the manipulative nature of his father.

If he is manipulative, you doing that is exactly what he will use to turn him against you. Please be smart.

If you are neutral and welcoming you can orchestrate meetings to be arranged at your DDs home or at a neutral place with DD aware & present.

However, if you continue to put "your side" across like this there is a high chance (in an effort to allow his dad to freely speak "his side") that your DGS will skip school and go off to a meeting god knows where

What a predicament! I certainly think that some specialised advice from one of the charities is the best first step. Stopping the boy from trying to meet his father will only make things worse, I think.
Strangely, my adopted daughter has never had the least inclination to meet her birth parents. They were both 17, and engaged when she was born. We know that their families refused to help them, and that they were forced to give her up for adoption. Attitudes were a lot different in the 60's.
Since we adopted her it has grieved me to think of her parents' loss. Did they go on to marry, and have more children? I'm sure that they have never forgotten her, as we were told that they were heart-broken at losing her.
It bothers me that they may have been waiting for 50+ years, hoping that she will contact them, but she has been adamant that she is not interested in finding them. I have carefully explained to her what things were like for unmarried mothers in those days, but she just says that we are her parents, and all that she needs.
It's good to know that she feels that we have given her all the love she needs, but oh, how sad I feel for her birth parents, and how happy I would be to reunite them.

It is a very difficult situation. I don't suppose any of us, in the circumstances described, would be keen on encouraging a renewal of this relationship (what little there was of it).

Having said that, trying to stop the boy from seeing his father would, I think, only make him more determined to do so - and perhaps more inclined to believe the stories that his father has been peddling re being kept away from his son.

I'm not really sure how this can be dealt with. I suppose it might be acceptable to tell the boy that his father had been very unreliable in the past and, although people can change, while hoping for the best, he must also be prepared for disappointment.

However, I'm no expert on matters of this nature and I guess not many of us on here are. If there are, as Iam64 suggests there might be, organisations who can assist in giving guidance as to how to deal sensitively with this situation, then I think that would be useful.

Thanks polskasue. I completely forgot about Childline! I think I might suggest GS contact them when he is feeling bad.

GS was bullied at school last year but never told me what it was about. He has just told me that one of his 'friends' had found out about his absent father and was making fun of him about it. DGS took it very hard and said he felt like killing himself. Now that he has gone to another school, he is worried about the same thing happening. Poor lad!

My DD's F walked out on us when she was 4 so she had the benefit of knowing a good F until he "let her down", long story short, we hit financial problems, his answer, just walk away.

I never "bad mouthed" him to DD but she never forgave him. She did have some contact with him but was never "taken in" by him. She attended his Funeral out of duty not love.

My DH who I met when she was 8 was more of a Father to her, she was very close to him & was very upset when he died.

I know this is different DD knew her F. I would be very wary about your DGS meeting his F but you will cause a lot of resentment if you don't facilitate contact. Your DGS will make his own mind up about his F. Childline sounds like that may be a good agency to approach, hopefully they will have some good advice

I know I've mentioned this on other threads - but please call Childline for their advice an support. Having worked for them I know how good they are. xxx

....he wants to 'discuss' his son or else he will 'go public'!

You have gotten a lot of good advice about how to handle the possibility of a 'meet and greet', but you may need to go a bit further.

Your posts describe this man as an aggressive, manipulative, liar. What exactly does he need to discuss about his son? .....that he wants to make good on eleven year's worth of child support?.... or that he wants his son back after all!

Your grandson is still a minor and a custody battle is not outside the realm of possibilities. Why not contact a solicitor? I think your daughter may benefit from some much needed legal advice, as well.

Sorry to hear of this predicament. I don't think my experience is going to help you any at all.
I left my Ex when my youngest was still a baby. He would not do anything useful and was just a drain on me. He was really nasty about us and to us. He pushed for access and failed. This caused him to be even worse to the children and me thinking we were to blame but he started the court action and the Judge decided. He could not see that and certainly did not argue it out with the Judge.
Ex stayed away until all children were left school. He then reappeared and has been causing trouble ever since. He is still lying and making himself out to be the big I am and at the same time acting like the poor invalid who must be tended to. I don't know if he actually has Disability Award, I do though at the highest rate.
I can not go back to court and have him kept away from my children as they are adults. However as adults they have the right to make their own choices. They are listening to him and I think believing his lies despite what they know and I am not happy with this.
I don't know what the answer would be. I don't think there is a good time for children to meet with certain types of parents.
Wishing you all the best