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Grandparenting

Granddaughters Wedding Dilema

(16 Posts)
over60plus Tue 06-Nov-18 14:44:20

This is a long saga sorry about that we have one Son and 2 grown up grandchildren, our son is divorced from the mother of our grandchildren his son who is now 26 has not spoken to his dad since the divorce he is a dad to two daughters who we see once a week, our son wrote to our grandson about 5 years ago and asked if they could meet up and have a drink and a chat he sent the letter back ripped up.

Now our grandaughter who is 28 is getting married in 2020 they came to tell us at the weekend we wished them both all the best, then she started to discuss her wedding showing concern about her brother and dad being in the same room our son assured her it was her day everything would be fine when talking to us she said well I am not inviting any of your sisters bearing in mind they have always sent cards at Xmas and birthdays, I only want people at our wedding that mean something to us.
Then the bomb shell I know you are not going to like it but Mum is giving me away my response was by the sound of things you would be happier if we stayed away her reply was well it would be easier all round, this is a girl who we have been very close to supported her through university etc.
I do understand her concerns but I am finding this very hard to accept that she could be so cruel.

I have posted a card for engagement wishing them all the best

silverlining48 Tue 06-Nov-18 15:22:58

It seems they don’t want to risk any family upsets on their day. Are you unhappy about her mother giving her away? Or annoyed that your siblings aren’t invited?

It is Her choice for her mother to give her away and their Choice as to who is invited, especially if they are paying.

How do your son and ex wife get on? It’s awkward all round with him and his son also not speaking. It’s a shame you might not go, as you have helped and supported both girls through difficult times. Let the dust settle a little, nothing set in concrete just yet. It’s another 2 years. Try not to get upset but I understand it’s hard for you.

paddyann Tue 06-Nov-18 16:27:18

Her choice about who she invites and most people want their own friends and only close family,not GP's siblings at their weddings .I wouldn't stress about it and if she's close to her mum then why shouldn't she walk her down the aisle ? Just be happy for the young couple and tell your GD that you'd love to be there and will be supportive of all her choices .
Really its none of your business anyway ,go and enjoy the day .

cornergran Tue 06-Nov-18 17:14:56

Im sorry over60 but I'm not sure if your granddaughter said she would prefer you weren't at her wedding. I seriously hope not but is that why you are so upset? If so, yes, I would be too.

Newmom101 Tue 06-Nov-18 18:07:13

Why would you be annoyed with her mom giving her away? It may not be traditional but if that's what she's more comfortable with then that's the most important thing.

I didn't even want my parents siblings at my wedding, so wouldn't have even considered my grandparents siblings. They may be people my parents are close to, and they have always sent cards ect, but they aren't people I feel close to. And weddings are so expensive these days! You can be paying £50 or more for a meal for people, it's understandable that people choose those they feel closest to.

However, if your GD did say it would be better if you weren't there then that's very hurtful. Could it have perhaps been a response to you saying 'by the sound of things you would be happier if we stayed away' could she have thought you were being a bit childish and dramatic in that response (which it is a bit) so responded the same.

Is there a back story with you and her mom? Or her moms family? Or has her mom not been involved in her life? I don't really get why you would have felt that she didn't want you there just because she didn't want your sisters there (who are quite extended family to her) or because she chose to her mom to walk her down the aisle.

Bibbity Tue 06-Nov-18 20:39:41

Weddings are expensive. I wouldn’t class anyone who’s on a Christmas card list as close enough to warrant spending that kind of money on. They need to prioritise the people in their lives.

Also if their mother has had a more substantial part in her life then it makes sense for her to have the honour of giving her away.

Her reply may have been sharply but you shouldn’t have made that comment. The ball is now in your park.
Do you want to continue this relationship? If so embrace that this is her wedding. It is a day of exactly what she wants. The one day that is all about her and her partner. Everyone else’s wants and feelings do not matter at all.

MargaretX Tue 06-Nov-18 20:48:06

Just say you will do along with anything she wants to do and change the subject. It is in 2 years time and in such an instabile family with people not speaking and not liking each other then anything can happen.

Melanieeastanglia Tue 06-Nov-18 20:56:01

I think I agree with MargaretX above. Yes, 2020 is a long way away in many respects. Perhaps the dust will have settled a bit by then.

I hope you're able to go to the wedding. You'll see your GD before then, I expect, and perhaps you'll be able to have a calm discussion.

over60plus Tue 06-Nov-18 21:57:13

Having read all your comments I regret writing on the forum obviously I over thought this we have met our darling grandaughter today and agreed that if she wants her Mum to giver her away that's fine. We will be with her on her special day with our Son and wish them both all the best
I thank you all for input and making me realise I over reacted

MissAdventure Tue 06-Nov-18 22:01:14

smile
That's lovely. I know its a long way off, but I hope you all have a wonderful day.

mcem Tue 06-Nov-18 22:10:01

It's good that you've understood that the input from GNs was sympathetic and wellmeaning.
That wider input seems to have helped you to resolve your issue by looking at it differently.
Well done. You deserve a happy conclusion!

BlueBelle Tue 06-Nov-18 22:25:50

Great result Over60 I gave my youngest daughter away as her father hadn’t been in her life since she was 3 ...it’s not too radical 😂

52bright Tue 06-Nov-18 22:26:24

You are very wise Over60plus. You love your Grandaughter an clearly she loves you. I'm sure she also loves her dad. Families have complex dynamics at the best of times and where fall outs have already occurred where weddings are being arranged its always best, where possible, to follow the young couples wishes with good grace. Hope the wedding all goes wonderfully in 2020.

silverlining48 Wed 07-Nov-18 09:10:43

Glad all hAs been sorted out happily, it’s not every grandparent who is lucky enough to see grandchildren marry.
Don’t regret writing your post, I think our response helped you feel better able to talk things out with her. Hope all goes well and enjoy.

PECS Wed 07-Nov-18 09:54:56

Glad it has ironed out!

Bibbity Wed 07-Nov-18 17:33:41

That’s brilliant. Hope you and your family have a fantastic day.