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(20 Posts)
Crocus12 Thu 08-Nov-18 00:23:08

My Gs has walked out of the family home as he has been bullied for the past 5 yrs by his mums new husband who has never liked him and picked fault , been quite harsh with discipline and has generally cut him out of the family by ignoring him and putting him down all the time.
When his mum and dad separated he was very upset and took it badly.
It got to the stage where he was scared to go home and you could see the fear in his face and how his manner changed.
I could see the effect this was having and spoke to his mum about it but the answer I got was he chooses not to join in with the family.
My Gs wrist got broke in a so called play game at football where his stepfather told my grandson he might not want to take the goal as “he was going to kick it as hard as he could”
My grandson manned up to him (he was 7 yrs old at the time ) the ball was kicked and his wrist got fractured.
Neither his mum or stepdad took him for an X-ray despite him being in agony all weekend.
This was the start of many things to come.
I spoke with my Gp who advised me to get in touch with social service as I was worried he was being emotionally bullied which was clearly showing .
They shared the information and closed the case saying he come from a nice family home , and after asking my grandson a few questions which he was terrified to tell they closed the case and his mother stopped all contact with my 2 grandchildren.
That was 5 yrs ago, my grandson has since contacted me and we have been meeting secretly for over 18 months.
I don’t like the deceit but he want to see me and I truly have missed him .lastmonth my grandson walked out and went to his dads but as they only live in a small flat there is no room so he has lived here with me and his grandad.
I am now at a loss of where to go from here, I have no problem with him living here even though it is a big responsibility at my age and with my I’ll health.
I would like to bring things out in the open but I am worried about would my grandson be put back into a home where he is emotionally abused for the next few yrs of his childhood.
I value your opinions please.

MissAdventure Thu 08-Nov-18 00:53:10

Do the mum and stepfather (though I hesitate to use the word for him) think that your grandson is still living with his own dad?
Is it possible that his dad could find larger accommodation, so that grandson could live with him?
I wouldn't like to advise on what to do, as I have very little faith in social services, and it would be terrible if your grandson did have to return.
I hope talking here can help you to get a plan into place.
Its awful to think of a boy being so afraid.

BlueBelle Thu 08-Nov-18 07:00:26

Oh gosh what a hard one
I m not sure from your post what age your grandson is If the social services incident happened when he broke his wrist he ll be about 12 so still vulnerable and he’s been living with you for a month
Is his father your son? If so surely he ll want to help to sort this out I might have jumped to the wrong conclusion but he doesn’t sound as if he cares much either Surely he should be helping you not just passing him over
Presumably both parents have new lives and partners is that right ?
Do you all live near his school etc? I can’t see how you are managing to hide this where’s all his clothes, toys, books belongings ?
He certainly can’t go back to the mother’s to be abused and S S don’t sound as if they would look into it deeply enough to not send him back and it doesn’t sound as if his dad wants him either Poor child I think you’re only action is to get the father to help you and keep the boy with you and your husband he obviously feels safe with you Yes a big responsibility but he needs you and his granddad

I haven’t been much help but this is such a complex situation and can’t really be solved from a few sentences of information

cornergran Thu 08-Nov-18 07:21:04

Crocus this is worrying for all sorts of reasons. I also wondered if your grandson was about 12. You need urgent, informed advice. Can only think of NSPCC or even odd though it might sound Childline. If you don’t have parental responsibility I think the future could be more than complicated. Please try again to get help.

mcem Thu 08-Nov-18 07:46:43

Poor lad!
His mother should be contacting him and trying sort this out. Since she isn't, I 'd say it's less likely that SS would put him back there. Plus the fact that, now he's older, they'd have to listen to him too.
I really feel for you. However supportive you're being, this was thrust on you with no preparation or forethought.
He's lucky to have good GPs and I hope you can resolve this quickly.

Iam64 Thu 08-Nov-18 08:39:42

Crocus, there is a website on called Family Rights Group where you may find information on your grandsons and your own legal situation. There may be links to discussions by other grandparents in your situation

The issue of parental responsibility is a live one. Does his father have PR? If he was married to your grandsons mother, he has automatic PR. If he doesn't have PR currently only the boy's mother could given consent to any medical treatment, to school trips etc. It may seem like a minor issue currently but could become a bigger one. There is also the issue of Child Benefit which I expect his mother is still getting. Teenagers are expensive and if he's to stay with you, that really needs to be transferred to you.

Social Work teams have faced a huge increase in workloads as a result of which, the goal posts have moved to the extent that they rarely become involved except in cases of immediate risk. Grim isn't it. Cafcass (the court and family children advisory service) does run a duty system, you could phone and talk things through with their duty person. Alternatively Bernardos the NSPCC all have duty systems, so a worker could spend time talking things through with you. It may be worth making an appointment with someone at the NSPCC and going in to talk things through with them. Best of luck.

M0nica Thu 08-Nov-18 16:17:19

You do not say how old your DGS is now. I deduce he is between 12 and 14, so his views on where he wants to live will be listened to, and usually, taken into account, unless it is unrealistic.

If SS get involved, encourage him to talk to them honestly about the abuse he suffered when he was with his Mother and step-father. It is unlikely they will force him back, because they cannot physically force him to stay there, nor can they stop him walking out again.

I think you could start by talking to the NSPCC, Barnados or Childline as already recommended.

Bridgeit Thu 08-Nov-18 16:32:09

This is a difficult situation for you, if you can cope I would say do so as long as possible, if you can manage for a few more years between yourselves & his father the benifits to his wellbeing will be invaluable. Good luck & best wishes

Crocus12 Thu 08-Nov-18 22:34:12

Thankyou for your reply.
My son hasn’t worked since he split with my grandsons mum.
He moved in with someone who was pregnant in months and things have gone downhill since then.
He refuses to acknowledge there is or indeed was a problem and continues to bury his head in the sand.
He has offered us no support since we took my grandson in we are bitterly disappointed in him and his attitude towards his son
Yes his mum still thinks he has no contact with us despite him being here now for over a month.He is now 14.

cornergran Thu 08-Nov-18 22:50:42

Thank you for coming back crocus. I can only repeat my previous post and the advice from others. Please, please get informed advice to protect you all. At 14 I would expect your grandsons wishes to be respected over his home location. This can’t be guaranteed though and professional, informed advice is essential to protect you all. Good luck.

Crocus12 Thu 08-Nov-18 22:56:08

Subject:GrandsonDate:Thu 08-Nov-18 22:47:57
Hi , thanks for your help .
My grandson is 14 tomorrow,his mum took him out for a couple of hrs last night gave him his birthday cards from the rest of family and bought him nothing ! Just a card and said she would give him his birthday money at Christmas?
What kind of mum does this to a child who has been through all this and not even bother to put a bit of money in the card if nothing else.
I sat and cried last night when he went to bed I’m still so scared of asking for help with this, my son is a waste of space to be honest and continues to act as though nothing wrong has happened.
My grandson went away about 2 months ago to Greece with his mum and stepdad he contracted a bug which gave him severe pain and diahoea for most of the holiday. He wasn’t taken to see a Dr and had lost over half a stone on return to the Uk.
My son took him straight to A&E as he had been texting me all week saying how I’ll he was.He was so dehydrated he hadn’t passed urine for 2 full days.But again my son thought it was acceptable for him to have not had any medical attention.
Thanks for the help I’m still undecided where to go with this x

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MissAdventure Thu 08-Nov-18 23:01:03

I suggest you might phone childline. 0800 1111.
They are neutral, and hopefully will be able to point you in the right direction, crocus. thanks

Patsy70 Thu 08-Nov-18 23:08:08

Crocus, I think you should approach your grandson's school and, as suggested above, the NSPCC. He is desperately in need of help and if you are not in good health it would be difficult for you and his Granddad to support him full time. Keep in touch with Gransnet, as there is advice and support here, which you need.

Patsy70 Thu 08-Nov-18 23:09:02

Yes, Childline is also an option.

Crocus12 Thu 08-Nov-18 23:12:38

Thankyou everyone,I will try a childlike tomorrow, I have tried the Nspcc before but unable to speak to a practitioner as they didn’t seem to take it seriously.

MissAdventure Thu 08-Nov-18 23:18:00

It makes me really cross that these issues aren't taken seriously, when there is a clear duty to protect children, by law!

annodomini Thu 08-Nov-18 23:52:02

Does the school know where your GS is living? They need to have a contact in case of emergency and presumably this is still his mother. This situation must be affecting his school work. If the staff have noticed any changes in his attitude, they may have contacted his mother who doesn't know he's with you.

granofone Sun 11-Nov-18 15:25:05

You should inform the other he is living with you and as the previous poster said his school. If the mother insists he comes home I would contact social services nobody would force a fourteen year old to go where he is not happy. It is a shame your son can not step up but at least your grandson has you

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