Christmas and Birthdays

I still buy my brother at Christmas and birthday, he is younger than me and is a widower. We are pretty close and I limit that to £25.

I also buy for my only niece (his daughter) who lives quite distant but we keep in touch via Whatsapp. When she has a visit home she never fails to come see me and we make a pile of bacon sandwiches for late breakfast. Something very modest for a gift such as a piece of craft funky jewellery at about £6/£7. Her two wee ones get a Selection Box and a knitted hat with Jingle Bells on, knitted from left over wool. It's just a gesture and she does the same to me. Kind of remembering her mum who was my dear friend as well as a sis-in-law.

Adult Children and partners we try to keep to £40 each. Example.... tickets to the local theatre £20 each. Plus in M & S Outlet I found beautiful winter scarves originally £35 on sale at £5.

Adult Children who live on another continent cost a bit more. They don't benefit from childcare and sometimes a birthday gift has been to fund a family day out as our treat.
Also throughout the year I send 'gestures', just to show I'm thinking of them. A fridge magnet to DIL that seems appropriate, i.e. she is a musician. A teatowel.... etc. A colouring in book for dgs, a (charity shop) find that I know he will love, such as a silly hat or a dinosaur T shirt.

I agree with everything that has already been said - some sensible advice here.

I have 3 grown up sons for whom I still like to buy a pile of gifts on birthdays and Christmas, and now I also have a little granddaughter to buy for - and I love looking at the children's clothes and toys in the shops. But I see them all regularly so it's easier to maintain close relationships - they all live nearby.

I stopped buying presents for my nieces and my brothers on their birthdays many years ago, and have cut down at Christmas now too, even for their children, most of whom are no longer small. My brother has 11 grandchildren! I really don't know if anything I ever send them is appreciated, tbh. I seldom get any feedback at all, never mind a 'thank you'!

If you can't afford presents I would just send cards and explain to DiL. If you can afford anything I would send maybe £5 to the younger one. Don't do anything you cant afford. It obviously doesnt matter to the older one.

I have 5 g.c. and 10 ggc. Who all live within 6 miles. I love them all to bits and they all visit every sat...i buy pressies for gc but this year cutting down a wee bit on costs. GGC i put money in a christmas card .more for eldest who is 14 graduating amount down to youngest who is 2. £20 down to £5. I also normally send cards to all my friends in south africa where we spent our working lives but reducing to half this year. We are a very close family and all of them followed us back to UK when they were tiny tots. Now i'm reaching 80 i know they will understand..a christmas card i send to each family. Lucky i can still afford. Just a bit of tweaking

I think 18 is a good age to stop, only because as we get older they have more money than we have, don't feel bad about it, your daughter in law sounds very understanding, so have a word about it to her, you have done your bit for sure!

YES! YES! YES!!!!!

I agree with others, explain the situation to your nice daughter in law and grandson then go for the card only option. You can always send a gift on special birthdays.

Nanspansy, please don't get upset about the presents, you can't afford presents and I am sure a card will be fine. I would however, get in the habit of sending a text every 4/6weeks just asking how gc are. I still buy presents, dont expect one back, but they all say thank you. And every few weeks I sent a text, sometimes they answer mostly don't. They gave me such pleasure when they were small and although I dont see them much at all I love them to bits. It must be so hard this time of year without your son, also the husband you are separated from, Christmas is hard as you get older and the people you love are not with you. I like to think my gc are enjoying life because you never know his things pan out.

I have 5 gc and all presents were stopped at 18 with just a card sent on birthdays. We keep in touch with texts, me giving them bits of news and advice and they do the same. Its fine, don't feel guilty.

Well there we have it.....6 miles or 300. I'm sure the OP didn't choose her current situation.

All my 6 grandchildren live within 6 miles of us and we see all of them regularly. The eldest has just turned 18 and has just started his first job. He's managed to save a good deposit for his first little car and because he's trying hard, he will have some money this year again. Maybe next year, he'll be earning more than me, then I'll cut back quite a bit, but I can't really forsee a time when I'll give him nothing, as long as I can afford to.

I don't think this is just about cards.
How utterly rubbish to be " dumped". Maybe the dumper should take a long hard look at himself.

I find facebook very handy for having a chat without it being a burden. Could you have a chat with the young man and just say you may be winding down the card thing and how is he doing?

I would explain your circumstances to both him and your Daughter in Law and say that you won’t be sending gifts, however, perhaps then say that you could meet sometime and treat him to lunch or similar.

Nansypansy how lucky your are to have such a lovely DiL. It's important to keep the memories of his Dad in his life and you are an important link. So yes, a lovely card from you with a heartfelt message to maintain that and show him that you care.

I have a very tiny family- only one DD and one DGS so we do presents and cards as I have done for my DD for 48 years this year. However, they live abroad so I don't see them on a regular basis and don't get to buy the little treats like books and games, cinema trips etc for DGS during the year as I would if I saw them regularly.

Go with your gut feeling and explain that you'd love to keep in touch. I agree with the poster who said, invite him over and say you'd love to catch up and hear about his new life after uni and his job and see his new car.

As everyone's circumstances, family history, geographical proximity to GC and finances are different, there isn't really a one size fits all!
Agree with others, adult grandchildren/nieces/nephews don't really need presents unless you wish to continue giving them and your finances allow this.
If he is your only GC and you can afford it, I would personally consider continuing to send a small present/money to him and review the situation if he settles down with a partner and/or has kids of his own.
Maybe continue with a small gift to your GS's half-brother anyway if you can until he is around 18 - seems only fair to him and your DIL to do so if possible.
Your DIL sounds lovely - is there any way you could visit for a long weekend and encourage GS to be there as well or, alternatively, invite them to yours? If not, maybe you could invite your GS to stay even for one night (maybe along with a friend/girlfriend) - just say you would love to see him sometime and he is welcome to bring someone with him.
You might also feel the benefit of writing texts/letters/ FB/WhatsApp messages to your GS and DiL telling them how things are with you at random times outwith birthdays and Christmas. Even if you don't get many replies, you may feel more in touch with them that way.

We have 8 grandchildren (all under 18), whom we are lucky enough to be able to see regularly. Adult nieces and our own siblings no longer get presents. Our AC and their spouses get birthday presents and, at Christmas, get restaurant vouchers (using supermarket points boost) along with a promise to baby-sit , so that we can concentrate on presents for the GC. We tell our AC not to buy us Christmas presents, so they usually just bring a bottle of wine or home-made goodies when they come to us around Christmas.

We stop presents at 18 too. The only exception being that those we celebrate Christmas with are given a small present if they are over 18 and if we have agreed before hand that we give each other presents. Otherwise no presents.

Like the others say, this is not being mercenary, just sensible.

Along with everyone else, I agree that just a card is all that is necessary now. However, if you feel uncomfortable with this, I'd suggest you let your Grandson know that he should buy something for himself with the money he would have spent on your present (!!!) and say you will do the same for yourself with the money you would have spent on his present. Then get yourself something nice (or just pretend if you don't wish to spend the money) and write in his Christmas card a little thankyou for the ... whatever!

I have 4 sons, all around your grandson’s age, so feel qualified to comment! I agree with what previous posters have said, now he’s an adult, any present from you will be appreciated, but not expected. Thanking you electronically (text, email, on FB) that’s how the younger generation communicate in writing these days. It sounds as if you would appreciate a visit from him now that he’s independently mobile. If so, invite him. Young men of his age don’t often think to do that of their own accord, or more to the point they think of it, but don’t get around to doing it! It’s no reflection on you, or what he thinks of you. I’m sure you’re correct about your dil’s role in the past. Perhaps you could mention it to her too. My sons often talk of visiting my Dad, who is their one remaining GP, but he is also 300 miles away and they don’t often make it!

Yes just send cards, we have a few nieces and nephews who are 18 - 19 we just send birthday cards now. We can’t afford to do it anymore and I they are happy to get a card.

I can totally see where you are coming from and each to his own My grandkids are my grandkids for ever whether I see them regularly or not and whether they are working or not so they will always get something from me as do my adult kids too but that’s just me if you feel you can’t afford it then I think the advice to explain to your daughter in law is fine You sound a nice understanding motherbin law I m sure she ll agree and see where you are coming from

Definitely no presents after 18 years old. Especially if they're working. I agree with a previous poster on this thread, that if anything, they should be sending you a gift! A card only to let them know you are thinking about them should suffice.
As far as adult children are concerned, I try to help them out throughout the year but a small token gift to open on Christmas day is a welcome gesture from us.

if you were my kids grandmother id be happy that you were sending them a card xx

just send a nice birthday card and the same for christmas. maybe some scratch cards . this is what i do...and then they have the added money if they win on the scratch cards .....

I stop presents for all children at 16. There are always new younger children joining the ranks. You just can’t carry on forever. I usually make the final present special.

I would continue to send to 10 year old but just card for adult one.