My Grandson is scared of me!

Hi Armoria
Have you tried ignoring your grandson but doing something fun and intersting that will tempt him to watch and eventually join in?
For example....
You say your grandson is fine with your DH
Ask your DH to walk around the garden holding your grandson's hand when your grandson seems settled walk on the other side of your husband and chat to your husband about the insects flowers etc but not directly to your grandson.
If your grandson is calm and focused move away and perhaps exclaim 'Wow, what is this? Pointing to something...
It could be ladybird or a previously hidden treat.
Children are very inquisitive and will want to check it out.
if it has gone well, follow with lets see what else's we can find.

When your grandson and husband are playing cars pick up a few (or bring a couple of new ones) and start to play over the other side of the room without talking directly to your grandson making the game sound fun ask your DH if wants to join in, hopefully your grandson will watch what you are doing and want to join in.

Good luck

agnurse dictate is an unfair description of what the OP is saying!!

She s not saying how much time they get is her business, just that she personally finds the balance hard and she personally would love to have more time! She is not trying to dictate how much time, she is just being honest about her own desire. She absolutely has "the right" to feel that, it is human and understandable!!

Yes it is normal for a child this age to be wary of others; so what! The OP is upset by what is quite extreme wariness and it is clear from her post that she is looking fort help and understanding in how to build a relationship where that wariness lessens.

Many people would describe their children as immediate family and iot would not be heard as possessiveness or whatever, just a description

I am unclear why you seem so annoyed by what is an honest post and why you seem to think that the OP has no right to express her feelings!

1. This is not your immediate family. This is your EXTENDED family. You don't have the right to dictate how often they must see you.

2. It is entirely normal for a child this age to be wary of strangers, even GPs.

3. How much time the other grands get is none of your business.

We used to have the same thing. Only meeting in cafes etc and granddaughter very shy and reserved. Her mum was very protective of her. That all changed when the second one came along. Suddenly our help was just as vital as the other grandparents and mum was much more relaxed. Things are wonderful now. Have patience.

And an alternative that I have seen work well is have a little toy in a pocket that makes a noise - a bell, a whirry toy or similar ..activate it in your pocket without any comment, when it stops leave a minute then do it again, whilst just carrying on a conversation and not taking any notice of grandson. Worth a try; most youngsters cant resist!!

Izabella Lovely idea!

My DGD couldn't stand the sight of me for 2 to 3 years. She would cry buckets if her mum and dad brought her to our house. DH was slightly more favoured but she couldn't stand me. You should see us now. We love each over to bits and have done for many many years. Your little one is just young and a bit nervous. Forget about other grandparents it doesn't matter at this stage if one is favoured over the other. When your little one grows up a bit he will enjoy spending time with you. Don't force it. As others have suggested, be more laid back. Play with toys on your own whilst chatting to his mum and dad. Try not to read too much into this, all kids go through these little periods it's part of finding their feet and growing up.

Unfortunately inside your head you are making this into a bigger problem than it’s need be and it’s all become a competion, ‘they do this, they do that, we only get the dregs, they have all the photos’, I m sorry to say jealousy is overtaking you
It’s very rare for both sets of grandparents to get equal shares in a grandchild and more likely than not the maternal grandparents will be the closest, that’s life
This little boy may be sensitive to your feelings and will pick up the vibes which is why he’s relaxed with your husband and not with you
It may all change when he’s older but the one thing you can’t do is over force the situation and make it into a big old competition with the parents and the other grandparents

Lay off the big squishy nanny cuddles - some children hate this!

oldbatty, but you quote only one sentence from my post. Overall my post was longer than yours, so the rest I wrote was too wordy.

oldbatty we all have bad days

We are all grown-ups, very experienced grown-ups, why on earth is your sense of self worth based on how a very small child reacts to you?

Phrased so much better than my outburst.

Whenever you visit, visit a charity shop first and find a toy for him. Oxfam shops are good for this. He will welcome you. Yes, it's cupboard love, but what the heck. When they are out the door with plastic crap it can all be recycled back to the shop.

At much the same age my very sociable, people loving young son suddenly became people phoebic and clung to me and wouldn't be parted from me. It is fairly par for the course at that age.

DGS between the ages of 30 months to four years, was utterly indifferent to me. He would do a body swerve around me to get to his grandfather. He grew out of it.

We are all grown-ups, very experienced grown-ups, why on earth is your sense of self worth based on how a very small child reacts to you?

Relax, visit less if it is too difficult. My DGC live 200 miles away, we see them every couple of months, yet it is quite clear they love us dearly and look forward to both our visits to them and theirs to us. The other grandmother lives 2 miles away and sees much more of them than we do and they love her too.

Actually the original post seems to have taken a different turn.

The OP was upset because her grandson was frightened of her. Any book on child development will tell you this is a perfectly normal phase for a toddler. They become frightened of all sorts of things. It’s an intellectual development from living in the moment to awareness of what might happen. And several posters have tried to reassure her.

But then it turned into “Im not getting my fair share etc”.

I don’t think you’re being very reasonable OP.

Sometimes you have to work and don’t see your grandson. That’s fine. But you’re hurt when he reacts to because he doesn’t recognise you? A couple of weeks is a long time in toddler world.
You’re upset because his other grandparents are retired and can spend more time with him. Lucky them. Why not? Or should they not see him so much because you can’t so as to make it “fair’?

I’m sorry but you are coming over as the possessive one. She took him away from you when he cried and comforted him herself? Seems reasonable to me. She is his mum,

I agree with those who say keep visiting, but ignore your grandson, make a big fuss of your son and DIL.
Hopefully the little lad will come round in the end.

May I suggest a different strategy? Ignore him completely next visit. Sit down and in an apparently absent minded manner produce a couple of very small (dinky type) cars from your pocket and just play with them in your hand. Put them back in your pocket when he notices them and them take them out a few moments later. Then leave one he can pick up if he wishes. Play this very hands off approach avoiding eye contact initially. Hopefully he will be wrong footed AND have an interest in the cars. ? ?

Good luck

If they are retired and have more free time and your DIL isn't working but your son is, then it's only natural they will spend more time together as she's bound to fill her time by seeing her parents. If it was the other way round and your son was the stay at home parent and you were retired then it would be understandable that you would spend more time with him.

I do feel they get more or a chance than us

Right well I overreacted and it was badly worded but this is not a helpful attitude.

Oldbatty, don’t be hard on yourself, I understand what you meant. Sometimes we all need to chill out & take things a step at a time, my philosophy Is to be there if I am needed & not take it to heart if I’m not, especially where daughter in-laws are concerned.

I'm sure it's just a phase. My DD is 16 months and cries whenever either set of grandparents visit, screams if either of our brothers look at her and yet loves our sisters. It's normal for them to go through.

As for your DIL it's possible that as she's now feeling more confident in her ability as a mother she doesn't want to be apart from him. I've never had DD babysat (although she now goes to nursery 3 days a week whilst I work) because I love spending time with her and don't want to have to leave her with anyone else.

It is quite a change from your previous relationship with her though. Is there any possibility you may have said something that has made her pull away. I remember my MiL saying when DD was about 4 weeks and crying 'I'm sure she wants her nanny not you' and I wanted to claw her face off and then when she was just one SIL walked off with DD when she was crying for me and in tears saying 'no no, I can sort her, she doesn't need mommy' and I felt like tackling her to get DD back. I know they didn't mean things they way they sounded and were just trying to help but both situations really annoyed me

One of my GC used to cry whenever she saw me or anyone other than her parents till she was about 3. She’s now 11 and delightful and happily stays over and goes out and about with us. What I’m trying to say is this is just a phase, he won’t be doing it when he’s older, just be around without being in his face will get him used to you again. It’s definitely not a competition with the other GPs. Make friends with them, buy what’s suggested and maybe give some extra money for saving or holidays.

Not a competition as such but I do feel they get more or a chance than us. Their photos are plastered all over the fridge, Daughter in law shows me photos of him with Granny and Grandad doing stuff and going places, we've been given his Christmas list and basically we have to buy him socks but then she says about all the things Granny and Grandad are getting him.

He doesn't see me upset. Nobody does.

On my case because of my work we sometimes cannot travel over for a few weeks and one time it was pointed out that tbe other grandparents go more regular. I am self employed, just like he is, if I don't work I don't get paid but there is still the expectation that we should go every week. Other grandparents are retired and so free agents. Also daughter in law will stay with them for a week at a time, they take him out on trips to sealife and zoo and places like that but when we suggest a trip out we are told it will interfere with his nap times so we have to be satisfied with a few hours in a cafe somewhere over lunch. Yes we've said about coming over to ours for lunch and play but it again would interfere with his nap so better to meet for lunch after his nap near her parents house so that it's not far to go back for his afternoon nap.