Gransnet forums


Feel l will never be a grandmother

(20 Posts)
Dawn22 Mon 21-Jan-19 19:01:55

I would be so grateful if l could have any views or coping tips from others who may have experienced similar. My daughter is 28 and has a long-term partner and has told me recently she won't be settling down for years to have children. Of course I know that is her right and none of my business etc. The problem is my two sisters are older than me and all there children are settling down now and having loads of babies. Even my next door neighbour's are having grandchildren. I truly would love to have my own. I find it hard to get overly involved with other people's grandchildren. Any advice on how any women out there might of coped with being triggered.

BlueBelle Mon 21-Jan-19 19:08:24

Don’t think about it if it happens it happens and nothing can be done although I do understand how you feel my children were all late starters my eldest was 35 my next 28 and my last also 28 I had just about presumed I wouldn’t have grandkids then what happens... seven come along first one followed quickly by number two, three and four came a month apart five and six another month apart then number seven So don’t give up just wait and see
Good luck

MissAdventure Mon 21-Jan-19 19:09:48

I've never been interested in other peoples' children or grandchildren, so I'm not the best person to advise.
Hopefully someone more helpful than me will be able to give you some sensible advice though.

Iam64 Mon 21-Jan-19 19:48:35

I don't wish to sound unsympathetic but my response is you need to count your blessings, rather than things you wish for that may never happen.
there are a fair number of contributors to this site who have grandchildren they never see because of a combination of factors.
There are always people worse off than ourselves. My suggestion is you accept what your daughter has said and find some interesting ways to fill your time. grandchildren may arrive in the future, they may not but you have some control over how you fill the time.

sodapop Mon 21-Jan-19 19:59:26

I agree with Iam64 enjoy the life you have, you can't live through your children. There are so many things you could do which don't involve children and so many ways you could help others. I realise you were hoping for grandchildren but it may or may not happen, in the meantime get on with living.

luluaugust Mon 21-Jan-19 20:20:36

Remember she hasn't said she will never have children just not at present she has a settled partner so get on enjoy your life the possibility is still there but it won't help to keep worrying about it.

Day6 Mon 21-Jan-19 20:27:54

Envy of other families and little ones must be draining, emotionally. I know the joy of grandchildren but be aware of the heartaches and complications and worries little ones can bring with them too, and bear in mind all those GNs who for whatever reason cannot see their GC.

I never really cared if my children had children of their own or not. My life was full and busy before the GC arrived, and you must aim to enjoy your life and blessings now. You may experience the joy of a GC someday but until then, don't waste your time moping about a situation that you cannot influence.

Farmor15 Mon 21-Jan-19 20:35:21

I have a friend who would have loved grandchildren, but it wasn't happening. Meanwhile, she "adopted" an immigrant family with children, but no grandparents anywhere near, and decided to offer her help, doing the kind of things grandparents would do. I think she got to know the family through her church.

Eventually she did have 2 grandchildren of her own, but still acts as an adoptive grandmother to the other family.

I thinks it's hard when everyone you know seems to moving on to next stage of life - grandparenting - and you feel left behind.

muffinthemoo Mon 21-Jan-19 20:45:23

Please, also, remember that her comments about children might - just might - be hiding a fertility issue she is not ready to discuss.

I think I told people I was "focusing on my career" a thousand times if I told them once. It was better than saying "well, actually, my consultant says this isn't happening, I am shattered by this and can't cope with it".

Bibbity Mon 21-Jan-19 20:51:57

I am 28 this year.

Of my group of friends who are all 28 this year I am the only one with children (almost 3 of them)

One is engaged to be married but in no rush for a child.

Another is no where near ready to settle down.
And while a few others are in semi serious relationships the biggest plans on their horizons are holidays.
Maybe a dog.

28 is so Young still. Many people I know are purposely waiting until their mid to late 30s to have children. And now that I’m doing it and comparing our lives I can see why!

MawBroon Mon 21-Jan-19 20:58:12

I don’t understand “ being triggered” ?

However, my youngest daughter is soon to have her first baby st the age of 37. Her elder sisters had their first babies at the ages of 36 and 38 respectively, so take comfort 28 is still young.
On the other hand whether to have children or not is their decision, not ours. I adore my grandchildren but they are not my children and my raison d’etre is not “being a grandmother”.
Be patient and don’t get fixated on the idea of grandchildren.

FlexibleFriend Mon 21-Jan-19 20:59:10

I can honestly say it's not something I've ever thought about. My youngest is 30 and I was surprised to be told they're expecting this year. It's their life and they have kids when they're ready and I hope they never took my feelings into consideration. Just live your life and let them live theirs.

MargaretX Mon 21-Jan-19 21:07:37

I remember feeling the same and you just have to put up with it. There is no solution, you can't rush things and 28 is no age these days to feel you have to start a family if you want to do other things.
if you like animals then get a dog if possible you will not have so much time to dwell on things and you will get to know a lot of people who have dogs and sometimes they are without any family at all.

MiniMoon Mon 21-Jan-19 21:24:00

I didn't have my first child until I was 32. My sisters were also 30 and 29 when they started their families. My parents eventually had 7 grandchildren. My DD has 4 children, but my 34 year old son is still single, with absolutely no interest in marriage or children.
Your daughter may well surprise you in years to come. Be patient, there is plenty of time for your daughter to have a family.

Lumarei Mon 21-Jan-19 21:27:35

I like the idea of offering support to a young family who don’t have grandparents nearby.

SunnySusie Mon 21-Jan-19 21:57:26

Talking to my daughter the other day (34, partner but no children) she was shocked when I told her on my 34th birthday I had a 6 year old, a 3 year old, two dogs, two cats and a mortgage. She had never thought about it! Their friends have just produced their first at the age of 41. No doubt she would consider 28 impossibly young to be thinking about a family. Different world. Could you help out in a local school maybe hearing children read? It might give you some nice contact with young people.

Witzend Thu 07-Feb-19 09:23:58

My dd had her 2 at 38 and 39, and many of her friends were similar, or even a little older. One friend had her 2nd at 45. It seems late now, and we're conscious that she was very lucky, but for several reasons it was the right time for her and her husband.

I do sometimes wish she'd started when I was 57 rather than 67 - I'd have had more energy - but there you go.

My other dd, although long-term partnered, doesn't want any - she's long said she'd rather have a dog.

Later babies do seem much more common now, so please don't despair!

I well remember in the late 70s being down in my notes as an 'elderly primigravida' - at 28! Though it's true that I was easily the oldest on the maternity ward at the time.

annodomini Thu 07-Feb-19 09:32:50

Both my DiLs were over 30 when they had babies as was I. So there's no need to feel despondent about not being a grandmother. You have plenty of life to live, so go ahead and live it. We are not defined by our grandchildren - or we shouldn't be.

Urmstongran Thu 07-Feb-19 10:23:38

I find it sad really this longing to be a grandma. I had a colleague at work just the same. The fact that several of us in the office were about 5 years older and becoming grandparents made her quite envious although we tried to reassure her that she & her daughter were only young yet.
Grandchildren should just be the icing on the cake.
You’ll either have them, or not.
Count your blessings - you had children of your own when some women don’t even get that.
Plus, did you have a child to please your mother?
Thought not!

Billybob4491 Thu 07-Feb-19 17:57:12

Dawn - my daughter was 41 when she had her first child, and son 39, I never thought I would become a grandma, so don't give up you never know whats around the corner!