daughter in law

Whilst I do agree she should be grateful for the support you offer I do think that your update sounds a bit petty. The things with the sandwich or pens are not 'cutting' remarks. Just simple comments to her son. And yes, you are there to look after him. But regardless of whether you are there, or you are in your home or hers, she is his mother. She is the one in charge of him. Unless she's interrupting you every couple of minutes by telling you what to do with him then I don't see how a couple of little comments (in what is presumably around 2 hours) is really interfering.

I get on well with my MiL but still make the occasional comments like 'don't let DD get hold of that' (she's a toddler) or 'dont give her the chocolate with a nut in' for example. Not because I'm interfering but because it's an automatic response as it's my child. As a pp said it's just mothering.

Where do you think the relationship between you first went wrong?

I feel heartfelt sympathy for anyone who isn’t able to see their grandchildren but that doesn’t mean that others should let themselves be treated like unappreciated doormats.

Dearie me. I think a few untidy pens is a small price to pay for knowing that my child is collected by a loving grandma and kept safe and entertained while the parents are at work.

But in any case, if the pen scattering is such a problem mum should have had a quiet and tactful word with granny to ask for her help in instilling a sense of tidiness into the child. I think allegations that the OP is trying to dictate how the daughter in law parents her child are unjust.

I think if any of my 5 children or assorted in laws (ex and current) made such nit picking comments to me while I was putting myself out to look after any of my 14 grand children, I’d be inclined to ask whether they wanted to take over the child minding.

Showergelfresh - just be VERY thankful for the time that you have with your grandson. I have not seen my darling grandchildren for a year, due to their parents' marriage break up and my daughter-in-law's refusal to allow them to see me. It is just heartbreaking for me and I don't doubt, them also. I have gone from looking after them most weekends, every Christmas Day and also school holidays, due to their parents' work commitments, to now not seeing them at all. Be grateful.

apart from anything else I see grans saying "my house my rules" on here all the time .Well its the childs mothers house and if he's allowed to have his pens lying all over the place when granny's in charge do you think it will be easy for mum to get him to do things her way when grans not there?

If she is working from home, she is WORKING. She can't mind a child while working at the same time.

I would NEVER leave a 4-year-old unattended for 90 minutes watching telly. That's asking for trouble.

Your DIL has the right to parent as she sees fit. She's not "horning in on your time". She is the parent. You're not.

If you don't like what is happening, you're within your rights to say that you aren't willing to be a childminder anymore. But you can't dictate how DIL lives in her own home and how she chooses to parent her child.

Sorry I haven’t had time to read all the posts, so I’m probably just repeating what others have said.
Anyway for what it’s worth, don’t give up on looking after your gs, or on trying to get on with your dil for that matter., if you can.
She might just be sorry not to be able to look after her ds herself and it’s more obvious when you’re in the house together.
It’s unsettling for everyone in a house together when one party is trying to settle down to work.
Go easy on her. Could you make her the brew, and have one together if she is willing to have a break with you when you come in and she can say hi to her ds. Could you wash the cups for her as well?
Is there a room that is not a thoroughfare that you can go in to keep out of each other’s way?
I’m sure she must appreciate you, at least at some level.
It’s not every day anyway, and you are lucky to be able to see your gs so often. I hope you can both try not to resent each other, but I don’t think you can stop her resenting you, if that’s what it is.
Hope it gets more relaxing for you.

Dear Showergelfresh (love that name btw!!!) I absolutely sympathise with you and totally understand what a nightmare situation you're in. My DIL is also extremely 'controlling' (believe me, this is what's going on for you!). I look after my two GSs one day a week and like you, we have a wonderful time (UNTIL she returns home!) Then everything changes. I honestly agree with other posts when they suggest that if she's already home that she should collect little one. The thing is these sort of people thrive on the fact they are on "safe ground" in that they know how much it means to people like us that we love our GC
I honestly despair at the attitude as like you, I had no support from anyone and certainly couldn't even entertain having a career. I've come to the conclusion that (in my case at any rate) they're spoilt and want the best of all world's. We out of love, provide a vehicle for their selfishness! Someone asked if you can discuss this with your son, but if like mine, he's afraid of her reaction that too will be impossible. So, although my response might be a bit unhelpful, I hope you'll find some comfort and "comeraderie" to help you cope. I personally hate that I've found myself in this situation!

I wouldn't be so cooperative make it clear you have other things to do so she has to pick gs up from school a few times it seems to me she thinks she doing you a favour where as its you doing the favour has she any idea of the cost of child minders and how lucky she is to have you

I agree with jenpax above.

The comments from your DIL that you describe don’t sound that bad to me, but maybe it’s the way she says them? Without knowing the backstory it’s hard to see how things are.

Would your DS or DIL collect your GS from your house if you took him there after school?

when my son first met his future wife, I thought 'watch out.' she was difficult ,I put it down to her father /daughter realationship as difficult, the psychologist in me thought projection onto me etc I thought I had worn her down with my kindness,over the past 5 years i refused her snidy remarks,her aloofness,last year I thought I had broken through to her better nature.recently I spent time with them over xmas period,she was back to normal! I think now she has some form of mental health problem,Ive stopped being nice until she, if ever wants to come round. its sad but an all to often situation.i keep to my truth and wont be affected anymore -lifes too short, our children make their beds......

I really can't stand to be anywhere her her she's affects me that badly and apparently I do her

Yet she is happy to use you when it suits her?

I appreciate that you want to be with your GC, but you go to a lot of effort to make life easier for her, when most parents who work from home have to fit in the child care as well - like the dropping off and collecting little ones from nursery or school.

I could not be in the presence of someone who made it so clear she disliked you and your ways with your grandchild.

How grown adults can be so self-centred and disagreeable when the happiness and security of their own child is at stake is beyond me. She must be laughing at you for cooperating, knowing full well she has you over a barrel , because seeing your grandchild is so important to you.

I imagine it would only make matters worse if you had a word with your son and tried to get him onside? What a dilemma for you.

I'd carry on as you are, if you can. Develop a thick skin and enjoy your GC. Any more friction and I think you'd feel it more than she would, with loss of contact, maybe? I wish you luck.

I hate the games some people play.

Well annep1 if my MIL disliked me that much that she didn't want to be in MY home when I was there I dont know if I would be gracious enough to let her care for MY child.As someone else said its her sons child too,why doesn't HE help with childcare while she works? Of course the MIL's who moan about DIL's on here seem to think their precious sons careers are far more important than the wives who work their socks off to help support the family .

Paddyann She is lucky her daughter in law lets her see the child? Lets her childmind for free?
I have just read the examples. I would feel so awkward if she criticised how I presented the sandwiches or let him leave pens lying around. She is really getting at the OP for the pens lying around. Her mother in law shouldn't be spoken to like that. I would find it hard to hold my tongue. My daughter is just grateful if I look after the grandchildren. I was the same with my mother in law. If the place is a bit untidy or the lunch is not as I would make it..so what! Its done with love. In her way. Son needs to say something.

When dil works from home you could take your dgs to your home and 'allow your dil peace and quiet' to work.
Your ds could pick him up after work.

Children really do not need this kind of nonsense from the adults in their life

Well said GG. That really is the bottom line, isn’t it?
Think of the child’s well-being rather than dwelling on perceived slights.

You don’t like your daughter in law. The examples you gave of her petty, critical behaviour were, I’m sorry to say, rather petty. I’m not sure what you believe her to be interfering in. You are in her home with her son, she can ask if he would like his sandwiches cut up or ask him not to scatter pens around all she likes. She is his mother. I agree that you are lucky to see as much of your grandson as you do, especially given your feelings towards his mother. By taking the position that you will not be in her home when she is there, will guarantee you seeing a lot less of him or not at all. Children really do not need this kind of nonsense from the adults in their life. Your reactions to your daughter in law are way over the top I’m afraid.

Might be difficult but try to be extra nice to DIL , be interested in what she is doing and see if it makes a difference.
I agree that working from home does not mean you can swan off to collect child from school .

Why don't you take your gc out, for a walk, to the park to other toddler and baby groups etc. Then when back hime just forget dil is upstairs, you are lucky that you see so much of your gc.

Getting a bit frustrated by the number of responders who don’t seem to understand the concept of working from home!
It may be due to squeeze on office space so the DIL may not have a choice!
Employers will expect any variations to hours to be agreed not ad hoc! As someone else pointed out the DIL May well be expected to be available to make and receive calls, conference calls, respond to emails or be tracked with work done online!
Yes it’s her child and her responsibility but it’s also her husband’s child and no one seems to think he should be altering his working day! In addition the OP has admitted she likes looking after the DGS it’s just that she does not like her DIL and seems to object to her being in her home at the same time.
Her options are realistically
1) not do the child care
2) take child to her own home (and reasonably expect parents to collect from there)
3) make the existing set up work! This might involve her spending part of the afternoon out with the child so she is not seeing DIL for so long
Whatever the rights and wrongs of who is being nice etc or not the current situation is unpleasant surely for both OP and I am sure DIL! It can’t have escaped her attention that MIL can’t stand her and that won’t make for a nice atmosphere for either of them!

Some posters seem to have missed the fact that the child is already at school and the OP is making a lengthy daily return trek to collect him from school and look after him for no more than a couple of hours. She is not the hired help and the enormous contribution she is making to the family needs to be respected and acknowledged.

Espee, I’m appalled at your ‘suck it up’ comment.
I know two people who have opted to work at home because it allows them to do the school runs. Most firms support flexitime working these days. It would be interesting to know the reason for the change to home working. I don’t really buy the ‘needs exceptional peace and quiet’ argument since those instances tend not to be very frequent.

Ready meals I take your point and agree to an extent but i have noticed some gransnetters aling with others on any type of forum seem to go out of their way to be overly critical. I also think these forums are a bit of a sounding board and a way of letting off steam. As women we often chat for chatting’s sake whereas men automatically think we’re asking for help. Obviously we don’t have to agree all the time and we can offer a different perspective but I find it really tiresome when posters go on the attack. Reading back i agree nobody had gone overboard with the criticism.

As someone who has been treated appallingly by a jealous/mean DIL in the past i do know there really isn’t always two sides to a story.

Where did OP say that she was clearing up for DIL? I didn't spot any reference to her doing housework.

At the moment the atmosphere that has developed around your gs, which he will pick up, is not pleasant for any of you, and the blame for this will be on you.

I think the problem can be solved even though you may not like the solution. When DiL is working from home, you do not to go there. It is her child and she must take responsibility for picking him up from nursery. see this as a time when you can do something for yourself. If this is inconvenient for her she will soon stop working from home, then the status quo has been restored.

Yes, you will missed your gs at first but it is more important that you have real quality time with him. Also have you thought that your DIL maybe jealous of the time you spend with her child. You never know your DIL may actually like being with her son. When this happens you can arrange granny days and everyone will be happy again..

showergelfresh
You are so lucky to have such quality time with your grandchild.
Just suck it up otherwise you may soon be writing about how you never see your grandchild.
How much worse would that be?