daughter in law

tickingbird, I don't see anything nasty or spiteful. Sure it does happen on some threads, as you say, but I think in this thread it has been restricted to suggesting the DIL's point of view - which can actually HELP the OP feel better, if it helps her to see the DIL may not be being deliberately hostile. Surely we all feel better when we consider the person who was rude to us was actually simply preoccupied? Certainly the views might change were the OP to have given an actual example of a hostile interaction. What would you have us do? Just post "awww you poor thing"? Is that what the OP was looking for? Can I suggest that anyone who wants pure sympathy starts their post by saying "I am just looking for sympathy here, not suggestions for understanding the situation or putting it right".

If she's working from home she's at work. I presume in her office?
My friend worked from home for a year and she was AT work from 9-5. She had to show she was active, respond to emails, phone calls, meetings from a webcam.
She also had to keep track of her day and what she has done in her time at work and prove almost that she wasn't slacking off.
She made a coffee and went back to work.
She also can't 'mooch around her own house.

Unless there's a huge backstory here I don't know what she's done. If you don't want to do it/it's making you anxious/unhappy then you can stop. Just explain to your son and ask them to find alternative childcare.

Sorry, touched the post button before I'd finished. If she was found not to be working she could lose her job.

then the criticisms start. Some of you just can’t help yourself. It isn’t the DIL on here it’s the gran. I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again - some people are just nasty or awkward. DIL maybe fine to others but for whatever reason doesn’t like the OP. She's lucky to have her and i agree with some who have said that it’s their choice to have the children and i will add that it’s also their choice to have houses that maybe they can’t afford.

My point is that stop jumping in and attacking posters. I find it so unnecessary and it’s getting more like mumsnet all the time but without the foul language. The OP is obviously doing her best to help out and loves her gc so if you can’t offer supportive and constructive advice move on.

One thing I will add, working from home means working from home, you're not supposed to take a break to pick up your child or look after it when it comes home. If she was found mot

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Family relationships can be very difficult at times.

The overly critical attackers are out again. Showergelfresh has posted with her issue. Many are pitching in with their ideas and offering helpful advice but then th

4allweknow, the OP doesn't say the DIL is critical of how she plays with her GS. In fact she doesn't give any idea of what the DIL is doing in the way of criticising. Unless you have read previous threads from her that do outline the details?

It is so difficult when you have to walk on eggshells around another person. I know how you feel, ‘Can’t do right for doing wrong’. There is a lot of jealousy and possessiveness going on here it seems. I expect that if she did not need you for childcare she would not see you at all. I really feel for you because I have been in the same situation. I think I would wait a few months until the weather is warmer and then try to alternate between your home, her home and the park Putting as much physical differences between you see,s best for your sanity.

DiL seems okay to have you collect and look after GS yet she is critical of how you play with him. If she is adamant about finishing at 5 pm she must be doing a set amount of hours each day. Why can she not say start working earlier or cut her lunch break down and finish earlier to collect GS in her work at home days. Most folk in her position would be only too happy to do so. Other than that if someone was making me so miserable I would be avoiding them like the plague.

I would take your grandchild to your house for a couple of days a week. Then you will get a few hours where you won't feel under a microscope. To a degree I can understand how she feels, it's not always easy to see your child with another person in charge of it. Leave the housework to her, you may feel as though you're helping she may see it as a criticism, after all it is her house. Tread carefully, the last thing you want is for her to get a strop on and ban her from seeing your grandchild. I see too much on here about grandchildren being used as a weapon against grand parents.

I only see youngest son and family about 4-5 times a year, always us going there. I have a difficult relationship with dil (she even vanished me from wedding album!). But I just keep smiling, grit my teeth, buy gc nice clothes/presents and hope one day it may get better. GS and I have good relationship but GD seems to be learning from Mum. I would never discuss this type of problem with DS unless he brought it up.

Is it possible that your DIL is jealous of the time you spend with your gs. It could be she's wishing she didn't have to work and would rather spend her time with her son.i know my daughter felt like that when she was working and I was looking after my gs,hence she eventually gave up work.

Something in the attitude of some of the posts is making me uneasy. Some people here seem to be degrading the concept of working from home. We don't know the DIL's line of work, but she might be trying to chair important video meetings that simply cannot be interrupted by the sudden need of a child. Or she might be working from home that day because the task she is currently on is something highly mathematical or a programming task that even the distractions of an office would be too much for, and simply can't do her job if the child interrupted her - and for the same reason doesn't want to engage in friendly pleasantries with whoever is in the house caring for the child. Anyway what I am saying is I don't like the implication in some posts that the DIL is kind of entering a few figures while her nail varnish is drying.

Houseseller that sounds like a fantastic relationship and a lovely family unit.
I work from home fortunately for myself and it's true, I make a coffee - mooch about while I'm thinking about how to resolve something I'm working on so I'm unfocused on anything else.
That said, I would take five min or so out to say hello to you and my son and ensure you were both settled in and had everything you need /want.
It's nice to work from home but ultimately it has its drawbacks. The work still has to be done at a high standard and during office hours meaning distractions and disruptions are a real hindrance. I wouldn't be able to pop to school and I certainly wouldn't want my child in front of the TV for that long or as regularly.
I would be very grateful for the child care and appreciate that it's from family taking time out from doing their own thing.
It's a tricky one! I do get on with my inlaws and have been very readily accepted into their family.
Maybe you two need a chat to clear the air in a setting such as a coffee shop.
Good luck xx

Also the "I'm working til 5" thing - does she have to be available for clients or for the office to reach her? Is this part of the deal she agreed so that she could work from home?
Has she talked with you about why she's working from home and what her expectations were? Did she think she'd have more time with the kids, then realise it doesn't always work out like that?

"She's mooching around, making coffee and then wandering back upstairs to her laptop."
What else is she supposed to do? She's meant to be working, she can't take time off to chat to you. It would also be confusing for the child, as she needs to make it clear she's not available when she's working at home.
Just going from your post I wonder if your DIL really dislikes you as much as you imagine. If she did, she wouldn't have been able to stomach having you in the house doing childminding, would she? Maybe she really doesn't mind you at all but is naturally reserved and a bit awkward.
I worked from home with an au pair in the house for many years. It is never a completely relaxed situation.

Inside dil's mind how do you know how she views middle aged or elderly women? You may be fighting attitudes that have little in common with reality. She may dread you being in the house when she is working, how many women are seething with jealousy at the nanny? If she knows when she is going to have to work from home perhaps to free up her headspace to concentrate, if she texts you, then the journey back to your own place is the uncluttered option.
Enjoy the little boy on your own.?

Remember your grandchildren will soon be off to school so I would keep quiet time with them is precious as I know I've got four but I work and dint see much of them. I honestly would ride the storm.

Seems like there are two choices here, showergelfresh. You can either just carry on caring for your grandson and let your daughter in law do her own thing. The other option is to say it's too much for you and you will not help out the days she is at home. The 45 min journey is not really a good idea for a 4 year old.

Oh my goodness! I would let them sort their own childminder and get on with my own life rather than be used like that,..
Sounds horrendous..

Hi Showerjellfresh, so sorry for your problems with your daughter-in-law. I am very lucky my daughter in law is a great person and we get on very well, she even rings me most weeks to see how I am. I made up my mind that I would treat her a bit special when she came into the family, making sure she was treated the same as my own and loved. She has been married to my son for 31 years and I couldn’t wish for better. My advice to anyone with in laws is to make a fuss of them and become their friend.

"I've suggested she collect him from school on the home working days but no... "I am working until 5."

I'm wondering whether your DIL dislikes you as much as you think. In these circumstances, I would expect her to collect her own child when she is at home and free to do so.

Just wondering whether she could be jealous of the great relationship that you share with your grandchild.

It's difficult when families class - maybe it's time to try and clear the air by discussing the issue.

You're being so kind and helpful to your son and wife, hope the issue is soon resolved.

Sorry you not getting along with dl
I would try turning other cheek, being extra nice, even buy her some flowers or plant, let her know you appreiciate all shes doing for her family, try to understand how she may be feeling. Always defend her, when shes present and when shes not. She may become your best friend!! Worth a try.

Personally I couldn’t accept a relationship like this, I would calmly ask to clear the air between you both, so that you can both move forward in a healthier environment. Life is too short to be continuously treading on eggshells .... good luck