daughter in law

You're doing the parents a huge favour. But it's turning you into a bit of a martyr. This isn't healthy for anyone. You have no automatic right to "alone time " with your GC. Neither do the parents have an automatic right to be provided with free childcare (especially when it's actually an inconvenient arrangement for you with travelling to and fro! Where's your son's consideration of his mother??)
DIL's child, DIL's home - so her rules stand. If you don't like that, or feel uncomfortable, you must extricate yourself from this time consuming minefield and just offer what you feel able to deal with.
It's then the parents' choice whether they accept this, or look at different childcare.
You can make it clear that you still want to help in some capacity and see GC, but that the current set up is too much for you.
I help with my GC but would never agree to such a draining situation, plus my kids wouldn't take advantage of me. (They'd get short shrift!)
What's happening at the moment just sounds so tense, you'd be wise to put a stop to this before you or DIL snaps and says something to the other that can't be taken back.

"I've suggested she collect him from school on the home working days but no... "I am working until 5."

But she's not, is she? She's mooching around and making coffee and doesn't actually KNOW how to work at home.

One has to be very self-disciplined and not give in to non-work phone calls, or social calls from friends etc., if one works from home.

When I was researching and writing my books, I first asked politely but eventually had to be quite fierce with some people who would drop in for coffee or a chat during my working day. Would they have done this if I were in an office or factory? Of course not.

So it seems to me that your DIL hasn't got into here stride with this working at home lark and it's given her one more reason to be chronically discontented - a state of mind which seems to be ever more prevalent these days, despite our numerous advantages and luxuries.

I just don't get these hostilities at all---" sigh ".

How do they start ?

**acknowledge she's the mother and in charge if you're all together (God help us) but if I am looking after him I'm in charge and if she gives me a list of dos and donts - as my dil did when the gs was a baby - I wheel off and sing - as I used to -
"Its just us - hooray!"

all I want is to spend time alone with my little darlings having silly frolics together with NO bystanders!**

Read your posts as though your are the mother and it is YOUR mother in law saying these things...

How would you feel if your MIL only acknowledged you were the parent and your 'dos and don'ts' when you were around?

How would you feel if your MIL took the baby when you were working to earn a living saying 'its just us, hooray'

How would you feel if your mother in law called you a bystander if you worked from home and wanted a 5 minute break to watch your child play with his grandma?

How would you feel if your MIL just nodded and said hmmmm when you spoke?

How would you feel if your MIL text your husband behind your back asking when you were in your own home as she didn't want to be there if you were there?

I know you are offering free childcare and from your posts I can see you love your grandchildren and they are very lucky to have you but please be mindful that they are your grandchildren and their mother is their mother, treating her with contempt will not benefit anyone. Especially your relationship with your grandchildren as they grow (from experience I remember alot of things my grandma has said about my own mum and I still have days where I think about what she said, 20 years on!)

I agree with everything crystaltipps has said.

And why do you have to have your grandchild alone? I get the impression it's just so you can undermine his mother. I don't allow my mother to have my DD alone because she's pushy about it and I know she will use it as a chance to undermine me (smacking, for instance) whereas I'm more trusting of my MIL because she never asks to have my DD alone. She's happy to see my DD with me or my DP and still has a lovely bond with DD. You don't need to be alone with a child to bond with them.

Comments like this
Its my remit to be in charge for those hours and the gs doesn't know what he's supposed to do when she interferes
She's not interfering, she's his mother, if she doesn't like how something is being done with her child it's her job to say it. You aren't 'in charge' regardless of where you are with him, because you aren't his mother! Your DIL (and his dad) are still in charge because he's their child.

Also comments like ' its just us - hooray' are just not acceptable. I feel sorry for your GS because comments like that are not fair on him. It's planting the idea in his mind that there is a problem between you and his mother. And just as a cautionary note on that point, my grandmother did the same. She hated my mom (some for genuine reasons, some just because she existed) and the feeling was mutual. But my mom never stopped us seeing her. As we got older we picked up on the little digs she would make at our mom, and it made us distance ourselves from our GM. Don't make comments like this around him, you will upset him and push him away. Children pick up on these things, and children (small children especially) tend to idolise their mothers.

Yes that statement concerned me a little too crystaltipps

all I want is to spend time alone with my little darlings having silly frolics together with NO bystanders!
I think if I was their mum I would find this statement rather threatening, sorry. They aren’t your children and their parents aren’t “ bystanders” they are the people who have the ultimate responsibility for the children’s health and wellbeing, so have every right to be around their own children ( especially in their own house ).

Ginnycomelately
My other son has a live in gd but no kids yet so I’ve yet to find out if she’ll be different or not but it’s interesting to note that one of you dils is unappreciative and the other the opposite!
I’m glad you have one that’s pleasant and kind.
I wonder how my other son’s gf will be if and when they have a baby....
Hmmmm the ds’s are very different to each other...
People change when they have kids though don’t they and then the other gps appear and there is that awful competition...
It’s a minefield but all I want is to spend time alone with my little darlings having silly frolics together with NO bystanders!
DILS - if you are reading this just let us get on with it - we may have the children while you are at work or having a well earned break - be grateful we are there at all and your children are loved not just by you.
Xx

Oh, but I do sound critical. So very sorry. Please understand it wasn't meant that way. Imo, you deserve a lot of credit for what you're doing. But hey, I'm sure ds and dil appreciate it underneath, even if they don't always show it.

P.S. Do I understand correctly that you watch gs on dil's "free days,' too? Imo, that's very generous of you! Of course, she probably uses those free days to shop or do other errands she can't do when she's working. I know she could take gs with her as many mums do. But it's easier for her this way, and it's wonderful of you to make that happen for her.

Please realize, though, that comments to baby like, "Hurray, it's just us!" (or whatever you said, I don't have it in front of me) are likely to offend her and make her suspicious that you're going to break her rules for her child.

Also, while gifts are lovely, I wouldn't get her a mug and kettle for upstairs. She'll see right through that. I just wouldn't.

I like the "smile and nod" idea. Again, I think you should try as much as possible to do things her way with gs, however. Especially as he gets older and begins to "tell," lol!

Best of luck moving forward!

Showergelfresh, I'm quite sympathetic with you. I know I don't like it if i babysit my gc and then my dd complains about some little thing or other. It must be hard to face that once or twice a week and not even know when dil might be around. Hugs!

I'm glad the comments here have given you confidence to speak up and ask about things ahead of time. Also, I'm glad dil's attitude seems to be better for whatever reason.

I have to agree with those who say that "working till 5" is 'working till 5" no matter where one is. And if dil is communicating with colleagues on the Internet or meeting work deadlines, she may have to remain within that time frame. Same if she wants to be done by 5 so she can spend a nice evening with ds (her dh) and gs later on. Therefore, I can see where she can't really stop to go collect gs, anymore than if she were working in an office.

Truly, you are doing her a huge favor. And if it were me, I would be ok with just about everything, as long as I knew my child was safe and happy. She still probably wants her child cared for the way she would do though. So if she cuts his sandwiches up, then why not do that? As for the pens, I agree with the poster who said to let her know you usually clean up at the end and ask if she prefers if you do it as you go along - that is, if she raises that issue again.

It does seem clear that you tend to do some things she doesn't want or you wouldn't do the peanut butter differently when she's there. Imo, if you know she only wants him to have a thin layer of pb on his sandwiches, then you need to adhere to that. Most likely, she thinks it's healthier, and she has a right to make that decision for her child. Contrary to what some posters have said, a hired nanny would be expected to honor the mum's wishes, period. Of course, unlike a hired nanny, you're not getting paid (not in dollars and cents, anyhow). But would it be so hard to do things her way? If gs wonders about it, you can just say, "Mummy says this is better" of something like that.

If you balance your newfound confidence with a show of more respect for her, I think things will just keep getting better. You sound like a delightful gm, and I hope you continue to enjoy your time with gs and whatever time you get to spend with the other one, also.

When you are working at home - you are actually working and yes you may get a coffee and wander about but in my experience as a grandparent a 4 year old cannot sit and watch screen (TV, DVD, iPad etc) for long without needing adult input and this would disturb her working mindset. There are rules about home working and you can't just go out and collect a child from nursery/school unless it is in your contract. I appreciate it is difficult if you don't have an easy relationship but try to zone out of her and concentrate on your DGS who clearly loves you. Maybe take him to the park, swimming, library or have a few wet weather activities up your sleeve for when she is around. He will be gaining so much from his time with you x

I truly sympathise with you , I have had two DILs one a nightmare like yours want the care but are so very critical and unappreciative, you begin to think it's all your fault , I practically brought those two girls up the only source of love and care they had !!!! Apart from their dad ! She's left having had an affair with her training partner for 5 years !!! What a relief . I do the same for my other DIL who is completely different lovely mum appreciative of all I do .
The good news is I have a brilliant relationship with all my grandchildren , I hung in there as I knew this was so important for them

Trisher just because someone disagrees with your view point doesn't make them a DIL.

Maybe the best course of action is to find alternative child care

If some resolution can't be reached and the OP isn't happy with her dil being there, then this is going to get worse.

Mmm I sense some DILs recruited from elsewhere to try and provide support. Personally if my family was benefitting from someone else's actions no matter who they were I would do everything I possibly could to make them feel comfortable in my house. And if they were minding my child I would endeavour to let them know exactly where I would be in case of an emergency. Obviously some feel they are entitled to treat people minding their children however they choose.

I don't have to tell anyone when I am in my own home. It's common courtesy not to treat the home owner like a pest or rabid animal.

The op states that she offered the help!!

Is the son not benefitting too?

Jallenrix she is providing unpaid childcare for her DIL. If someone is doing something for you you do your best to make sure they are happy and comfortable. As I said before it's just good manners. Trying to make it the OPs fault that her DIL does not communicate with her is ridiculous. If she is home and her child is coming home with his GM it seems obvious to me that it would be better for them both to know she will be there.

As jamlenrix said, why would dil see staying in her own home as a disturbance, I wouldn't.

Her DIL may not know that her MIL finds her presence disruptive. A discussion would clear the air.

Also: it’s not just her DIL who benefits, her son does as well.

You see Jallenri there you go again placing responsibility on the OP. Why should she have to discuss it? Why can't her DIL simply tell her, after all the DIL is the one benefitting.

@trisher There’s no indication from her posts that she’s discussed this with her DIL, so I don’t think she’s refused to do anything.

Even if they are completely random it doesn't take 2 mins to text "Working from home today". Why wouldn't you? It's just being polite and cooperative.