Sleeping issues

I agree wholeheartedly Madgran77. ??
Posting on a forum, just like a text, can easily be misinterpreted! What can be one person’s ‘direct’ approach can be another person’s ‘harsh words’.
It is nice and kind that you posted what you did.

I returned to work when DD was 10 months. I continued to breastfeed till she was 23 months.

She stayed with her father or childminder. She was perfectly fine.

Being a parent to a young baby is exhausting. I did Breastfeed until just before 2. My daughter slept (and mostly still does) in our bed and at times was permanently attached to me throughout the night.

I was exhausted. And I did moan. But I was making a conscious parenting decision.
Other countries are now much more aware of hype benefits of extended BF and co sleeping.

As I said the best people for them DIL to speak to are other mums going through this.

It’s such a short period of time. And just because someone chooses attachment parenting does not mean they will have a spoilt older child.
Studies have shown that AP can produce a more secure child.

Also no one should put a baby in their own room before 6 months. That is a massive SIDS risk.

if you haven’t practiced extended breastfeeding you haven’t a hope in understanding the benefits.
I am left wondering what is meant by extended
Eighteen months, three, five (a quick feed at the school gate?), eight?

What happens when/if mum wants to go back to work?

OP I did not read your post as judgemental.

Urmstongran yes straight to the point, but the OP was expressing her concern about the impact of night times on the parents and asking for advice on how to approach this helpfully and sensitively with them. She wasn't asking for opinions on breast feeding for how long or whatever!

Isn't it interesting how we all read the same comments differently. I found Mabons post somewhat unkind in the way it was expressed perhaps because I thought it missed the point for the OP but I accept that it may well not have been meant that way.

Reading the replies it’s interesting how many people say- get her to stop feeding and put her into her own room. Well it’s what I did with my own after the first week they were in their own rooms and 6-8 months no BF- BUT both my children continued to wake up several times a night until they were about 4YO. My DD has a totally different attitude and I have come to agree with her. It is far more natural to keep a baby in the room next to you at night where they feel secure and comforted, until they are more mature at least, and to BF as long as they want too. I think my children called me so much in the night because they were lonely and needed comfort. I wish I knew then what I know now! And they are little for such a short time, why try to make them independent before they’re ready!

May I just also say that if you haven’t practiced extended breastfeeding you haven’t a hope in understanding the benefits. It’s not just food or comfort, it’s a necessary physiological action and gives the growing child the protection of its mothers immune system
Kisthecat

Oh dear, there is breastfeeding and then there is becoming a slave to a child who wants feeding five times in the night by a worn out mother.

Mine seemed to wean themselves off gradually until there was just a bed-time feed by which time they were eating proper and nutritious meals in the day-time.

This child is nearly two and doesn't sound as if she is getting a varied diet.

I can understand your concerns as I have similar ones about my DD and her partner. They have 2 children 7 and a nearly 3 YO. The little girl still sleeps in a tandem cot next to her parents’ bed and BF morning and night but recently weaned from nighttime feeds. They don’t have a room ready for the youngest to go into and my DD says she’s not ready to have to get up in the night for her. I don’t dare say anything about her relationship but I worry that their love life must be suffering. They’re always tired and never go anywhere without the children and never have time to even talk. I’ve offered to have the children for a day so they can go out but I still don’t think it’s enough. My DD dotes on her little girl and has stayed at home from work to look after her. I worry that she is neglecting her relationship. Her partner is so lovely though, I’ve never heard him complain about it and he too dotes on the kids. Maybe I’m worrying about nothing?

I wanted a 2 year gap between babies but my cycle had not returned by the time No.1 son was 14 months.
He was still nursing every 2 hours day and night in addition to solids in the daytime (which he wasn't particularly keen on) so his paediatrician suggested I drop the night feeds altogether then drop the daytime feeds.
After a week of my husband dealing with the night wakings baby slept through the night and once the daytime feeds stopped my cycle resumed and I conceived.
I hope all our experiences help your daughter in law find the right way for her to solve her dilemma.

Actually I thought Mabon’s post was fair. Straight to the point, not unkind either.
I’ve never heard of a 2y old ‘needing’ milk 5 times during the night either.
I too suspect it’s why the girl isn’t hungry during the day. She’s grazing every couple of hours and is, inadvertently, being pandered to.

I think it’s hard for parents to accept advice from grandparents, even if they’ve asked. But anxious parents are more likely to listen to health professionals, though in this case it seems the ones they had, started them on the wrong path but it might be worth finding some professional who could help.

There seem to be 2 issues which may or may not be related- the waking to feed and the lack of eating proper food. Our 2 grandchildren were weaned off breastfeeding by 10 months but given a lot of bottles instead. The first in particular is a poor and fussy eater and I think it’s due to being full of milk and not properly hungry. They are also poor sleepers and spend most of the time sleeping with parents- sometimes all together in mattresses on floor!

Clare AB you babysit every week.... for an evening, or over night? What happens abpout feeding while you are in charge?

Just support them. You don’t have to tell them how to parent unless they ask. Have you considered that for once, they want to do something their way? You never know they might even do a better job than you did. Stop judging them. My mother in law said you learn to be a parent by being a parent. Fantastic advice.

My first reaction was 'I'm not judging them!' But, if that is what you are picking up from my posts then I need to reflect. I guess what I'm trying to communicate doesn't always come across clearly.

mabon ...dear me!

Others who have made the point that BF is recommended/good for children until various ages ....that really isn't the issue for the OP is it!!! She isn't saying BF is bad; she's not suggesting she is anti BF!! She is very sensitively analysing a difficult and worrying situation and wants advice on her best way forward, which many posters are really helping her with! GN at its best with a few exceptions!

May I just also say that if you haven’t practiced extended breastfeeding you haven’t a hope in understanding the benefits. It’s not just food or comfort, it’s a necessary physiological action and gives the growing child the protection of its mothers immune system.

Just support them. You don’t have to tell them how to parent unless they ask. Have you considered that for once, they want to do something their way? You never know they might even do a better job than you did. Stop judging them. My mother in law said you learn to be a parent by being a parent. Fantastic advice.

I agree, Jennifer D, about hunger being the cause of the need for night feeds. My children and GC were pretty much on 3 meals a day when nearly 2, with the occasional snack. Broaching the subject with DIL is a tricky one, and would come best not from MiL.

Could it be that child is waking up so many times because she’s hungry? If she’s not weaned and eating solid food it’s not surprising she’s waking and I think I would be concerned that she isn’t getting the full range of nutrients that a growing child of this age needs.

My own (first) grandchild started waking up, having slept through most of the night, and wanted breast feeding.

Once she was eating semi-solid and then solid food she slept much better. At 20 months she feeds herself with a spoon and usually eats meals with her parents and family. It was the same DS at 8 months. Half a banana and the first decent sleep for weeks!

I understand the delicacy needed in giving ‘advice’. I generally try and indirect approach along the lines of ‘I remember you were like this, I found… helped. Maybe you could try that’’

The strain on parents of not sleeping is horrible and it stops people thinking clearly. I do hope this can be resolved quickly although I realise that there are several issues here.

OH I JUST REMEMBERED THAT WHEN WE HOSTED FOREIGN STUDENTS WE HAD A GIRL FROM PRAGUE WHO CAME WITH HER 9 YEAR OLD VERY LARGE SON. APPARENTLY HE ALWAYS SLEPT IN HER BED AND HER HUSBAND SLEPT IN ANOTHER ROOM. I HEARD FROM HER AT CHRISTMAS, AND SHE TOLD ME ADAM NOW IS OVER 6 FT, HAS A BEARD, AND SLEEPS IN HIS OWN BED.
NF NEP

HERE GOES - I GAVE MY DAUGHTER A DUMMY ON THE ADVICE OF A NURSE. IT KEPT HER QUIET. SHE GAVE IT UP AT 3.

SORRY ITS IN CAPITALS - CANT SEEM TO GET LOWER CASE TODAY.

couldthe baby just require a drink of water during the night? Maybe try give her a drink rather than feeding her. If she has a bottle with the water she will have the sucking which maybe the comfort she needs, just a thought.

The WHO recommend BF for at least 2 years. There are loads of health benefits for a breastfeeding toddler.

This sounds really normal. It could be a growth spurt or developmental leap.

I’m on loads of breastfeeding support groups on Facebook and they are amazing for support and advice on any parenting topic.

I actually have 2 close friends who have both discussed this with me recently. Both their DIL’s are truly lovely girls, however, they are causing so many issues by extended breast feeding. From what they say, I feel they are curtailing the tots independence, giving the tot extra angst when away from Mum, as well as causing marital issues, when the husbands are continuously in the spare room. Personally I breast fed all my 3 but would’ve hated a child old enough to lift my top and ask for it ! It should be an issue discussed by both parents, as was the decision to have a baby initially, as it impacts on their family life.

I fondly remember my neighbour hanging onto the door handle of her toddler's bedroom while he pulled hard on it from the other side saying "You've had a cuddle, you've had a drink & now you stay in your own bed!" We were dreadful young mums!
But I think that our age had a lot to do with it. We weren't old enough to be over-anxious, but just took on babies as another part of life. Also a lot of us often had experience of babies & toddlers amongst our families &friends as babysitters or older siblings. We certainly had more.support from Health Visitors who bossed us about like irresponsible schoolgirls, which I suppose we probably still were at heart! Times certainly change! I hope your little family manages to find the confidence to be firm & follow the good advice others have given here. Mumsnet is a great resource