Sleeping issues

Mabon1 another of your unwarranted and unhelpful posts

They need to be reminded that they are the parents! They have allowed the child to take control and the longer they continue to pander to her the harder it will be to rectify. Next time they ask you for advice don't tiptoe around the issue - tell them straight that they need to step up and take control. If they are coming to you then you are not interfering and they may actually be looking for someone to tell them it's ok to take a firmer line.
Might have missed reference to it - but where is her mother in all this? Women usually turn to their own mothers for parenting advice in the first instance, so wondering what messages she has been getting from her.

No 22 month old child needs feeding 5 times a night (unless there is something radically wrong).

Their relationship is none of your business, keep out of it.

The midwife/health visitor support were minimal compared to when I had my children. At the time of GD birth they were living 300 hundred miles away, they have only recently moved a few miles away from me. This meant that they had little support in the early days.
I do know that they were worried by one of the professionals suggesting GD had a cows milk intolerance, and they were also told that if the baby cried it could lead to mental health issues.
They also had the fear of god put into them about cot death. It seems that today's professionals throw information at new parents, but visit very rarely. Which is a shame as many problems could have been nipped in the bud.
Skin to skin, and attachment parenting have been mentioned.

I wonder what message your dil got/ still gets from the health visitor. My dil has my 3 younger grandkids, the first (10) was fine, but by time other 2 came along the line to follow was skin to skin, so basically they never used their cots. It took until they were 3 to go into own room and probably 4 before they stayed there. I know she fed until 2 , how much comfort feeding in the latter stage I don’t know. They ( dil & ds ) were always shattered, but I learned to “ zip the lip “ as I was thought old fashioned ?

This way of life and routine not good for either of them breastfeeding through the night that's not the norm at 22mtb I'm a qualified child practioner and agree as a mother this needs changing.

My son was like this. One night instead of feeding him I gave him a cup of water. He never woke up in the night again. He was a very secure child I think he just liked the suckling.

Has anyone had experience of discussing potentially difficult issues with their DIL?
Bluebelle is quite right, I am walking on eggshells here. I guess I'm worried that they're both so tired they will take it badly.
It's just occurred to me as I typed the last sentence, that I am doing with them exactly what they're doing with their daughter skirting round the issues...

I agree with all the other posters This baby girl is ruling the roost and please roll forward to when she’s 8, 12, 14 she will still be ruling her parents and oh my goodness they may well suffer,
Mine too had their own beds in their own rooms much younger than this and eating proper food from when they were sitting up constant feeding is a comfort thing and can lead to comfort eating when older because this is how she is learning

They are such loving protective parents This worries me overprotection can be nearly as bad as under babies/children need to explore, fall, have rough and tumble, make misjudgements to learn, if they are always stopped before they make an error they will never learn

Killing by kindness comes to mind for all of you, stop walking on eggshells and talk to your daughter in law, kindly but with knowledge
They are actually spoiling her and to be honest it is going to be so much harder now to remove the comfort that she is so use to Are they strong enough to say ‘no’
That man needs to be back in his own bed

There were a lot of us around luckygirl and amazingly our children survived!

Suggest to your DIL giving her DD shorter and shorter feeds. Less suckling will lead to less production of milk and eventually your GD won't bother as it won't be worth it. DS should distract the child when feeding stopped.

If she's not eating much in the way of solids could you suggest (gently and carefully) that, although breast milk is excellent food, children of that age need solid foods to get all the nutrients they need for good development?
That is what I would find most worrying, that she's not eating a varied enough diet.

Good luck.

Thank you one and all. Some great comments and advice

I talked to my daughter about this because she breast fed her first child until he was almost 3. For occasional comfort though rather than nutrition. It was his ‘special cuddle’.

Anyway, she suggested this article might be of use because it suggests a number of options for stopping toddler night feeding. Her own solution was to temporarily hand over all nighttime interaction with the child to her husband. No boobies available. That’s one of the options outlined.

themilkmeg.com/the-night-boob-how-to-gently-night-wean-your-toddler-from-breastfeeding-and-bed-sharing/

There does seem to be a modern fear of upsetting a child, not letting them cry or protest. As parents we do sometimes have to be the 'bad guy' as in say no and mean it or guide their behaviours and instincts for their own good. We ensure they can cross a road or know not to put a knife in a toaster. Its part of being the parent, taking the responsibility to show them the right path. Allowing a young child to cry themselves to sleep is daunting, its easier when they are very young, you just ask yourself are they fed, safe, clean and warm? If the answer is yes then you do almost put your fingers in your ears....for a few minutes anyway and let them get bored and fall asleep. Its upsetting at the time but next time it happens the crying stops sooner and off they go. Of course its TOTALLY different if they are hungry or unwell or if older having a bad dream but eventually a pattern will develop and they will sleep. A child's early development needs good quality sleep and in a way they are denying that. Love is wonderful and thankfully they are loving parents but at the same time they are parents and with that comes the responsibility to nurture the child all the way through to the ultimate goal of all parents...to enable our darling children to eventually stand alone and function happily and confidently without us.

Everything they do, they do out of love, but it's hard to see them suffering, knowing that the answer is relatively simple.
Well, simple in theory...

Oh ClareAB I feel for you. My own experience of MIL's was thankfully short but am aware its a mine field. That being said there is a huge difference between someone who is genuinely a nasty person (who just happens to be a MIL) and a worried concerned decent person like yourself who also happens to be a MIL. If deep down you are just wanting the best for this little family then I am sure no one will think any the worse of you even if you do say a little more than you are used to. The history of your developing relationship will stand you in good stead. You've been careful and tactful till now so just be yourself. I'm sure you would not be the type to visit new DIL's new home and only point out the cobwebs.....happened to me! All the best.

I think you're right, and there are other worries that are clouding the issue. I have a good relationship with my DIL and I try to see her at least once a week to go for lunch, shopping or help her practically. I'm so anxious myself about being 'that mother in law' that I hesitate to offer advice, unless they ask for it, and then, if I'm honest, I sugar coat it hugely as I don't want them to feel criticised.
My ex- MIL was not a kind woman and I would hate for any of my DIL (I have 3) to feel the way I did as a young mum.
This is my first grand child, and it's a mine field!

Gosh ClareAB what a dilemma. Its all down to the relationship you have with DIL. If its an open honest one and you have rarely made such a personal comment perhaps it has come to a time where you should raise your fears. Probably not politic to just launch into it but when the discussion comes around to sleepless nights etc you could say something like....'in all seriousness I do worry that you are putting a bit too much pressure on yourself, you have given baby a wonderful start but now is the time to worry about your own health.
I am no expert on this, I can distinctly remember getting to a point during breast feeding of just wanting my body back. It was a powerful feeling that kicked in at about 9 months after each of the births. Its almost as if I woke up and went no!....these boobs are mine (and perhaps my DHs) and not yours anymore. There could be a case of even thinking your DIL is using the baby's needs as a cover for something. Is she secretly afraid of returning to full 'wifely' duties...Yes I am aware that's a ghastly pre-liberation term but some women do fear getting back to being a lover to their DHs if the birth was a bit of a nightmare and the recovery was a tough ride. Once again it was something my Midwife raised with me, I though she was being a bit callous but it needed to be said, and if truth be told, once I was over a slight worry of 'has it all gone back properly' I was mad keen to resume!
Only you know what your DIL is like so its in your court. Of course her own Mum might have similar worries....any chance of you two putting your heads together? Then there could also be the idea of an approach from your H....to his son....father to father as it were. All the best and I do hope this young couple can move on to the next stage of their journey. Having fun with their child.

I think they can't see the wood for the trees. She's their first child, they're both in their thirties, and I think they are petrified of hurting her or seeing her cry.
She's a little darling, but she does seem to be in charge of the show!

she eats very very little solid food
but that is because she is still breastfeeding on demand!
Can they not see that?

I think it's imperative to get her on to solid food; we have a child in the wider family who apparently missed this 'window of opportunity' because she was ill (according to doctors and health visitors) and she is still an extremely fussy eater years later.

Well, she has them both well trained!
At nearly two she definitely doesn't need night-time feeds; it may be comfort but it is more likely just habit.

I confess that my little ones were in their own rooms when a few weeks old and the night feeds dropped off very quickly. Bad mother!!!

I know fashions change with parenting but babies don't change. None of mine needed night feeds after about 3 months and were all in their own rooms by about 4-5months.

Mumsnetters may have some good answers and more modern ideas!

Thank you for all your replies. One of the most frustrating things as Granny is to be asked for advice, and for that advice to be completely ignored whilst they continue to suffer.
Another knock on from this is that because she is still breast feeding day and night, she eats very very little solid food. DIL has lost so much weight, size 8 is hanging off her, and she's a tall girl.
At what point do minor concerns become major? I've maintained supportive neutrality , but is it ever wise to say you're worried?

Oh Hilda W I loved your memories of feeding in the dark in the next bedroom! Must admit we had our daughter next to our bed at first but I heard every sigh and burp after I’d fed her and consequently couldn’t sleep so we moved her into her own bedroom and left the doors open. I also insisted my husband didn’t get up with me (to make some tea, bless) as it just prolonged the whole thing when the object was to get us back to sleep ASAP! Happy days!