Impact of Social Media on grandparent expectations and experience.

Yes it does.

I remember having my first dd when I was very young. She was an emergency C section in the middle of the night. I didn’t get her beside me for a couple of days as she was kept in the Special Baby Unit.

Once home mil was a nightmare. She would walk in and lift sleeping baby from the pram. That was bad enough, but she always had a cigarette hanging from her mouth and would continue to smoke it while holding baby. Took great exception if I told her to put her cigarette out and would immediately light up again if I left the room. I had to leave the room to breast feed as mil and fil thought it was disgusting to feed in front of them. Dh backed them all the time.

By the time dd2 was born a couple of years later dh had been very thoroughly put in his place (by me) and warned that things had to be done my way.
If baby was sleeping in pram in corner, mil was not allowed to touch her. No smoking at all in house, at any time. If they were not happy with my breastfeeding then they had to leave the room!

Didn’t endear me to them and they appealed to dh that I should not be allowed to speak to them in this way, and he should as head of the house (my boss) tell me that I could not tell them what to do. My own dps were happy to abide by these guidelines.

Ils always treated me like dirt, so glad no social media to pull me to pieces on! Don’t think they ever forgave me and the relationship went downhill after that.

Jenpax so sorry if my post made you feel anxious. Nowadays things are very different and social media can play an important part in keeping families in touch. Hopefully you can use Skype or WhatsApp to keep in touch with your 3 GDS and I hope you get to visit them and that you make a good recovery. Wishing you all the best xx

I think it is now over the top, the trouble is this generation wants to share every aspect of their life with the world and Is it good or bad I have no idea. My son had three children was I the first, second or third to be told I have no idea and don't really care. I was just happy to be told a healthy child had arrived and I could see it when the time was right.

I don't think my grandparenting has been influenced a jot by Social Media and I'm a heavy user of Facebook.

If you watch 'Call the Midwife' you'll see that there were often women from the extended family present at the birth of a child until the move to maternity hospitals/wards in the 60's when childbirth became more medicalised. I have been present during all three of one of my daughter's births and at several other births where the soon-to-be parents are as close as my own children and planned in advance for me to be present.

What is very worrying is the expectation of extended family members to be present, as if it was a right and not a privilege. Having said that, most of my friends have said that they absolutely would not want to be present at a birth.

When my DGC were born I was at the hospital but never in the delivery room. As a PP I would not have wanted to see my DDs going through the pain. Although I was the standby birth partner, and I would have gone into the delivery room if requested. Luckily I was not required to go in but hope that my presence close by was of some help.

When I had my DDs I had no-one with me the first time and at the second birth the now exh was present but was more hinderance than help.

I think you are spot on OP! And it drives me nuts.

When I had DD my mom expected to be in the delivery room, and was horrified when I told her it would be just DP and I. The same has continued with me not having DD babysat (We've never had any reason to need to leave her with anyone). She seems to have gotten all this 'grandparent bonding time' ideas from her siblings who have grandchildren, and what she sees them do. But she never had our grandparents do any of that, it baffles me. And they are quite happy to leave their children with the grandparents every weekend so they can go out and get drunk, and I don't drink much anyway.

I didn't have anyone visit in hospital the day DD was born and had them visit at home the next morning instead. I'd had preeclampsia as was a bit of a mess with high blood pressure and they were unsure if I'd have to go on a drip so I didn't want to add visitors into the mix. Again she kicked up a fuss, because 'what would people think'. The same with me not having visitors from my extended family, I don't get on with them (various reasons from extremely racist to drug addicts) and only saw them if I accidentally ran into them at her house. She didn't understand that I didn't want these people around me, let alone my child, and moaned about it so I allowed one person to. Within about 5 minutes there were pictures all over social media and they never bothered with us again, just wanted that photo of them with the new baby on social media.

It frustrates me because I feel like my daughter is just a way for her to get attention on social media. She cares more about what other people think of her and playing up to this image than how I feel.

That all being said, I have had a difficult relationship with her since my teens because she's always been like this, even before she got social media. Her public image and playing happy families with the extended family has always mattered most.

I've gone on a bit of a rant here but it's bought back a lot of resentment from when DD was born. When I gave birth she was the only person I called who didn't even ask how I was. Even when I explained I had to go into theatre and had dangerously high blood pressure she just 'ummed'.

Just DH with me when my DDs were born, and medical staff of course, which was fine. I'm pretty sure neither DM or DMiL would have wanted to be there, and it wasn't usual then. DDs had just their husbands present when their children were born. I would have found it very difficult to see my DDs in pain, but, should they have not had their partners to support, I would have been there, and so would my DH. However,in that situation, they would probably have chosen each other as birth partner. It's all up to the individual.
As someone has already said, it's not a competition.

I had my first baby in 1947. My husband was sent off to work even though it was a difficult birth. Visiting days were Weds and Sunday. I was in hospital for ten days. My son was born in 1949. My husband was working away and I could not get in touch with him. No mobile phones those days so didn’t see him until two days later.
Although my grandparents were only a tram ride away only saw them a few times a year and I was never cared for by anyone apart from mother. My children were never looked after apart from me for ten years.
Now my son and daughter in law are very much involved with their grand children and I feel they are being raised by them rather than their own parents.

Social media has become a curse. Thankfully I thought this might happen (it allows so much trouble) so have avoided it.

The OP’s post was too long to read as I’m in a hurry. My DD2 was a teen when she had her DS1. She wanted me and DP at the birth. An hour after labour started in earnest, his mother arrived in the delivery room. She was slightly horrified, but didn’t say anything. So she had all three of us there for the birth and the midwife was her friend’s mum! DD would never have asked MIL to be there, but was glad in the end that she had the joy of seeing her GS born. As it turned out that he is severely disabled, it has really helped with the bonding.

There was no question of having anyone with you at giving birth time when I had my three, my first I wasn’t even in the same country as my family My ex was not around and they weren’t let in anyway I would have liked a husband to hold my hand but I wouldn’t want anyone else there oh no no no and as for women that go on Tv and have it all filmed I would die before that happened I think

Shirls52000 Your story made me very anxious! I live 3 to 4 hours away from my youngest DD,and due to my health problems following cancer and sepsis I can’t travel to see her and my 3 DGS! Obviously it’s hard for her to see me too!
I dread my grandsons growing up not having seen much of me and ending up not really being bothered about seeing me when they grow up because of it as happened with your poor mum! I really Hope I get better soon and well enough to make that journey!

In my daythe mere thought of any other than hospital medical staff present at the birth was not the 'done thing'. I was, so I later learned, born at home with only the 'local' midwife and my mil present .Dad to be I was later to learn decided to pass on that so had taken himself off to watch a cricket match.

When I had my first, my husband was on nights as a fireman so my parents took me in and my mum, bless her, kept saying “ooh, does it hurt, and I wish I could take the pain for you”, all things that didn’t help as I squirmed in the bed. Yes, we had to be neatly in bed! Anyway, the staff told my h that they would ring him when the birth was imminent, put me in the delivery room on my own and took my glasses away so I couldn’t see where the button was and promptly went off for their tea several floors below! It was visiting time and I was bellowing help, help as I was being sick as well but only visitors could hear me. Anyway, eventually they came back, and were surprised that I’d advanced so much so it was too late to call h so I was on my own, half blind and crying! Very traumatic. The second birth I did have my h with me but I had to literally fight him trying to force me to have the gas and air mask on most of the time! So, two births, not a lovely experience either time. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted my mum or MIL there! I sort of envy girls now who can walk about or be on their knees or anything as I was uncomfortable on my back but there you stayed.

I wouldn’t have wanted my mum or my MIL at the birth. They sent my husband away, and then asked if I minded if some student doctors came in to watch the birth. I said no way! My mum came to stay for a week to help out after the birth and I was really grateful. My MIL was working so couldn’t help out that way.

I had my children in 1964 and 1967. Nobody was allowed to be present except medical and nursing staff. When my daughter was born in 1964 I thought it funny that there were 9 different nurses in a semicircle at the bottom of my bed, all wearing surgical masks, and all I could see of their faces was a patch pf variously coloured skin and eyes in the gap in the masks...

When I had my kids, the idea of dads being in the room at the birth was only just becoming acceptable, and was definitely not an expectation. If the dad didn't fancy the idea no one thought it was his duty. With my first one, my OH came with me but kept bothering me with drinks of water while I was mid contraction. With my second one I didn't want him there but he walked in right at the end anyway - while I was lying there all sweaty, legs akimbo, waiting for the placenta to come out. Having an audience is a mixed blessing but I gather it's essential nowadays as they don't have enough staff to keep an eye on you so you need someone to fetch the nurse if you start dying or something.

When I had my family in the 80s I would have loved my mum to be around however that was not to be. My husband ( now ex) worked long hours and I pretty much brought up my three children in my own with no help at all, as well as working nights as a midwife and working as receptionist for my husband. When I look back now I m amazed I didn t lose the plot. My mum died 25 years ago and missed out on a lot of her grandchildren’s childhood and they sadly don t remember her. She didn t drive and lived 2 hours away and was reliant on my dad to transport her and he wasn t interested. When I needed her/ them they weren’t there. My dad is now 87 and doesn’t understand why his grandchildren, who are now 29, 32 and 34 seem not to be that interested. My daughter who is 32 is constantly trying to keep contact with him and he keeps putting her off which she finds very hurtful. The point I m getting to is that I don t want this to happen with my grandchildren. I want to be an active part of their lives.
My daughter asked me to be present as a birthing partner with her husband and I agreed. She had a “precipitate delivery” and I was the first person she called when she went into labour (after her husband of course) We got her to hospital very quickly and she delivered 10 minutes after we reached the hospital car park. I seriously thought I may have to deliver my grandson in the car park. Thankfully we made the delivery room as he was blue and floppy and was in SCBU for 5 days. I am so thankful that I was there to help my daughter and son in law when they needed me. It’s not for everyone but my daughter and myself are now closer than we have ever been and both her and my SIL know I am there if they need me but I leave it to them to ask. My grandson is now fit, healthy and 10 weeks old and thriving well. I see him 3 or 4 times a week and I m hoping that I continue to be an active part of his life growing up because life is too short and families are all important xx

Brilliant post. I agree with every word. When my first DGC was born, DIL had her Mum & sister with her, as well as DS. When DD had her children, I would - of course - been with her if she'd asked, but I never felt any kind of upset that it was just her and her DP. That's as it should be (in my eyes) and I helped by staying for a week each time and - like OP - doing cleaning and cooking so that the new parents could bond with their baby. My Mum did that for me, and it was hugely appreciated, so I just followed on... DD appreciated it, I was able to see the baby, I went home after a week - we were all happy
We were also welcomed by DS & DIL as soon as DGS had arrived - we stayed overnight (3 hour drive) and offered to find a hotel, but were told not to be silly... DIL is from a different culture - and her Mum moved in with them for 6 months, from when she was 7 months pregnant until DGS was 4 months old... DS, DIL and her Mum were all fine with that, so it was none of our business...
Whatever suits the parents goes - but I must admit that I would have been hurt to meet the 'just our little family' attitude that seems to occur at times when we WERE their family. On the other hand, I'm just as appalled by GPs who arrive expecting to be 'hosted' by someone who's just given birth..! If you're going to visit, go to help - in any way required - not sit around holding the baby (unless asked to).

Thinking more about Social Media...of my range of friends I can only think of one who have posted from hospital on a DGC arrival. It included new parents, their siblings, and 4 grandparents! Mostly friends post a while after a new arrival. Allowing the new parents time to decide what / how/ if they want their child's pic. out there!

Loulelady, I was determined to NOT pass my newborns about and firmly told most people "not just now" when asked if they could hold them - other than the baby's father and siblings it was not a gift given to many.
In retrospect, I could have shared these little bundles of joy more - but I was always very conscious that they were their own people and should be respected. My job was to protect them - even from well-wishers.
Re social media and grandmothers- my mother would have been super disappointed as her expectations would definitely have been raised and as it was, she already knew this was something I wanted to do without her.
Re others at the birth, I wouldn't have wanted my mother or mother in law but I had my second and subsequent babies at home so close female friends of mine were there for the children in case we needed to move to the hospital. The midwives, the baby's siblings and their father were there - or at least in the house, so I suppose as my family grew, so did the support circle.
We took almost no photos, and none of the labour or birth, but those amazing and miraculous days are engraved in our hearts nevertheless.

Was in hospital for 10 days first time 2 weeks second time. Only DH there. But second time he had to leave room for actual birth as extra Drs and staff and equipment brought in and all the space in room needed. Problematic twin birth. Would never have thought of asking anyone other than DH to be present. Even in some less developed cultures the mother goes off with "the midwife" to give birth. Yes SM has turned the birth,arrival, and care of a baby into a community event. All of the photos, and comments are out there for the baby to see in years to come. I shudder!

Me too Harris27