Feeling Used and Abused

If she has asked you to forget about babysitting after she has received the letter from her dad, then I am afraid you will just have to accept that for the time being she doesn't want to see either of you.

Her dad did the right thing writing to her expressing his concern and telling her you both love her.

I am afraid she is hiding something, otherwise I can't see why she suddenly doesn't want to see any of the family.

The likeliest is money problems or trouble at work or with her husband or partner, if she has one.

I am sorry, but I think you just have to give way to her right now, and hope that she will come and explain what it is all about one day.

My step-son disappeared completely for a year and as he was in his thirties we couldn't do anything about it - then out of the blue he sent me an e-mail asking if his dad would ring him up as he needed help.

It turned out he had got into debt and been chucked out of his flat. Dh wrote out a power of attorney for him to sign ndt started in ringing the bank and other creditors.

Now ten years later, he has never looked back and is doing fine, so I hope the same happens with your step-daughter.

I would accept that she only wants you when she needs a babysitter.
To be honest she is probably very busy living her life and you might think that she should make time for lunch but when I was younger with young children I had no time for being social .
She might choose to spend what free time she has with her friends .
Just accept it and don’t force yourself on her it will make her pull away

Well, like others are saying, you should babysit. Why risk not seeing the children again? Some of us are used too much as babysitters. You can't accuse her of that! Just enjoy the time you're given. The children will grow up and will have the choice to come and see you when they want to.

This is so difficult to advise without knowing the full background. Do you have any inkling why she chooses you to babysit (so obviously has no trust issues) but doesn't like to socialise with you? Has she always been reserved and a bit distant? Does her mother bad mouth her father? If you can't ask her outright as she's a bit prickly, do her sibling/siblings know why she's cutting you out? Do you socialise with them?

As others have said, I would still babysit so you don't lose touch with the GC (although she seems to have withdrawn her request now) and see if you can find out what is at the bottom of it.

It does seem there is more to it.

A couple of people have asked if she has a partner and maybe he is behind it?

Lots of questions but all I could say to you without knowing the the answers to the above is babysit when asked, try not to be offended, rise above it, see what happens. Our children do use us to a certain extent. With no choice when small, then as they get older, leave home, have partners and their own social lives we get less important. It's as it should be but not to the extent of never wanting to be in your parents company.

Parental love is unconditional, even when the child is having a tantrum. Also, this evidently isn't about you.

Very sorry to read she has asked you to forget she asked you to babysit. Try very hard to remain in pleasant frame of mind and just say that you would be happy to any time she wants.
I'm so sorry to read about this! There is certainly a lot more going on with this step-daughter. I am certain another person has an influence over her.

NanaPlenty
You clarify things a lot when you explain; "My hubby (her dad) is trying but she won't see him. He's written to her explaining his concerns and also telling her we love her and miss her." I think you are in for a long-haul here. You are, most of al,l going to need to support your husband. He is definitely going through a horrible situation. Try and persuade him to do the babysitting just to see the children. I hate to speculate, but there isn't much else one can do in this thread, so I have wondered what the girl's natural mother is saying about her father and you? I suspect there may be a "divide and rule" faction going on whereby her mother is ensuring that her daughter stays in her camp and is anti-dad. The break up of a marriage, as we know, does not always see people behaving in a fair and just manner. Your step-daughter's mother may well have an influence her that is pulling her away from her father and his new wife - you. I may be wrong, I hope I am, but I thought it worth suggesting even so.
I would repeat though, try not to become involved in any kind of arguments or distress. Look after your husband and comfort him and please do go and see the grand children. See it as a plus that you have been asked to babysit, even if it is a bit like being used.
Lots of love to you both.

Weve tried offering more support, aren't supposed to pop in and she had told us to forget she asked us to babysit! Believe me it's not giving up but what more can we do.

Yes I completely agree with what you are saying.

NanaPlenty I feel sure something is going on with your daughter and it may have nothing to do with you - in the sense that you are not the cause of her being distant, not in the sense that it is not your business!
Please do the babysitting, just hang in there, you don't know what is actually happening. Be a quiet support. She is your daughter. When a member of a family is found to be becoming more distant by all the family, my first thoughts are, is she under the influence of a man who is controlling her and cutting her off from you all? He might seem like a wonderful person to you, but he could well be a dangerously controlling man indoors with her. Be patient and try not to put pressure on her. Don't lose touch, please. Even though you are not to blame, take it on the chin and say you didn't mean to upset her, that you just miss her and you'd love to see the children and look after them for her. Stay in touch. Be open, don't ask any questions or you will drive her away. But be there to support her in case there is a crisis.
I have seen this before, in case this all sounds a little over the top. I hope it is simply an innocent explanation, such as that she is a bit over-tired. However, I really want to urge you and her father to be patient, put up with her and be there for her, please.

Do the babysitting, and see how the land lies in her house when you are doing it. It's not the children's fault that their mother is creating distance between them and their grandparents so be the support for them if not for her. I can see how you feel that the text always comes when you're needed to do something but if you think of this as not something you're doing for her but something you're doing for yourselves - laying down some sort of relationship between you and your grandchildren, it might be easier - make yourselves the beneficiaries of your action, rather than thinking of it as giving in to her demands on you. something lovely out of it instead of her getting

This sounds very much like the situation with my daughter which started a couple of years ago. I didn't know why she kept me at arm's length after we'd always had a close relationship - and am still not really sure. It caused me a lot of heart-ache and- searching but I hung on in, mainly for the sake of my 2 young granddaughters, but also because she's my daughter and I love her unconditionally - which I tried to show in whatever ways I could. I've always made the most of any opportunity to see my dgds and show them I love them even though I don't see so much of them. It's slow progress but things are gradually improving. So my best advice to you and your husband is to do whatever you can to keep the relationship open, and have plenty of patience! I do hope it eventually works out for you all.

Yes, do babysit, as you get to spend a bit of time with the grandchildren. It doesn’t sound as if any of this is their fault. Could you arrive a bit earlier so it is not just a quick handover? Or not rush away as soon as she gets back?
Maybe fix a date for her to bring the grandchildren over whilst you are there. It is harder to refuse face to face.

NanaPlenty, you have gotten some very wise advice. I would try to stay connected in any way possible and every time you see her, make her feel loved and unjudged. Perhaps you have done something which has offended her, but it doesn't seem like it if she is distancing herself from everyone. Sounds like you are going to have to be patient and gain her trust to feel safe to say what is going on.

I would offer to babysit. If she is depressed, what to others sounds like normal contact can feel like pressure. I would take things gently. Maybe tell her that you didn't mean to upset her but that you miss her but then leave it at that for now.
Do you know if she is also distancing herself from other people?
If it is only you, then maybe you can grit your teeth and do it for the children. If you can't, then it is sad but people do drift apart and it may just be something that you have to find a way to deal with yourselves.

I don’t understand if you only live 15/20 minutes away from each other why have you not just popped in on her in unannounced. I would take some new clothes for the grandchildren children. We always make it clear we are NOT babysitters we are the grandparents, who just so happen to babysit now and then.

I am a pragmatic person which is not always the best way but in this instance, I believe it is. I think self-respect is everything. If you dont stick to respect and truth then it will fester and fester. Your daughter owes you some respect and you should hold to your integrity and look her in the eyes and tell her straight what is bothering you. Nothing is to be gained by mish-mash hidden feelings and opinions, I feel. If the grandchildren are used as a bargaining tool then what is the point anyway. I would not accept that. I would be straight and honest and if the daughter implied or used emotional blackmail then as far as I am concerned she will have to deal with that. You never progress by staying in the grey mush you only move on when matters are clear in black and white. Let the dog see the rabbit as they say.

Babysit. It may not seem like it, but I think she needs to keep in contact even more than you. do. I agree with chris888.
Maybe even offer a regular babysit (maybe once a fortnight), so you all know where you stand and it becomes part of a routine. Then she can't say you don't do anything for her & you won't feel used.

As a step-mother I have found that my step children have a lot of hidden resentments towards me - the old 'wicked stepmother' syndrome. There is probably a lot more going on under the surface with your stepdaughter than you realise. It's a difficult one and really needs careful handling. You have my sympathy.

Maybe she is depressed or going through a bad time. I would be worried about the children and babysit just to see them

Just babysit you are spending tine with grandkids.
I think you need to find out why your husband feels it is his right to spend time with his daughter.
But won't help her out in loveliness way possible by babysitting.

Is her Mother still about perhaps she confides in her? And she baby-sits more than you know about?

She sounds like someone who needs more support, not less. I would offer to babysit more to see if that alleviates any tension. It is so difficult to truly know what's going on but please don't give up on her or your grandchildren ☺

I agree, baby sit and see the children, and maybe your step daughter. Not worth taking offence - as others have said , after such a long time without contact you cannot really assess what is going on. I agree with MOnica - there could easily be some stress, distress, or menatal health issue here. You could be important in offering support if so. So if your husband can see it in this light, perhaps he could become the big hearted one who acts from undrestanding and care, but not taking offence. If she has any problems they will affect the children too - your support could be very important to them too.

I'd definitely babysit.
There is something going on and she is obviously under some sort of stress, going by her reaction. It could be her job, or her relationship or just maybe, as an adult, she just feels she doesn't need to keep seeing you all the time ! (Strange, but it is true- I did it in the past).
No mention of the grandchildren - one way to keep in touch with them and through them, you'll keep in touch with the stepdaughter, however brief it is!