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Step - grandparenting problems

(23 Posts)

Our son met a girl with a child four or five years ago - the kid was six years old then and we were told in no uncertain terms that we had to treat him as our flesh and blood. We were never happy about this relationship and the sort of family this girl was from but did our utmost to treat this boy as our own. The relationship of the parents was always very turbulent and continues to be so. They now have a three year old daughter and we are treating both kids equally. But in recent days we have discovered the 10 year old is being rude and disrespectful to our son and made life intolerable for him after all he has done for him - he stayed with us a few nights and it has made me absolutely livid. I feel everyone has to pussyfoot around step kids but no one gives a damn about the plight of step grand-parents, To be honest I want nothing to do with this kid... he isn't our flesh and blood however much they want him to be. If he was, I would surely have the right to tell him off for being so naughty? But no, I am not allowed to do that. It is a very one way street being a step-grandparent. Does anyone else feel as we do? I am worried sick about our son and honestly wish he had never met this woman. Thanks for any advice.

paddyann Sun 03-Mar-19 19:45:30

You need to think about the CHILD ,I'm sure your son can take care of himself.The boy has obviously been through the breakup of his parents and had a "new dad" delivered into his life .No doubt without a by your leave.Now his "new dad" and mum are in a bad /turbulent relationship and he hasn't a clue about what will happen in his life next .
My daughter two eldest have step GP's and they are amazing people who truly think of them as their own and if asked how many GC they have include them and are happy to talk about them...Maybe you could try being nice to him and see if it improves his behaviour..of course he'll behave badly if he thinks you dont want him and aren't pleased to have him around .

notanan2 Sun 03-Mar-19 20:22:59

10 year olds are starting puberty and there are lots of mood swings and boundary pushing and if your son is taking offense at that rather than being the adult in the dynamic then he is not a very good parent/step parent.

When kids kit puberty the adults in their lives need to be loving but also detatched and consistant, not taking it personally and raising to the bait.

What will he do when his bio kid starts mood swings and boundary pushing at puberty?

notanan2 Sun 03-Mar-19 20:25:36

This child is your bio grandchild's sibling. He is family whether you like it or not. And you are doing your bio grandchild NO favours by contributing to the tensions.

notanan2 Sun 03-Mar-19 20:31:16

What I mean is that your bio grandchild is not an only child. You cannot wish away their sibling. If you try to treat your GC as if they have no sibling, when they do, dont be surprised if your relationship with your bio grandchild suffers as a result, or worse: you cause resentment between your GC and their sibling causing your GC to have a less positive sibling relationship than the otherwise could have. I suspect this is already happening.

sodapop Sun 03-Mar-19 22:20:18

I agree notanan2 the poster seems quite disparaging about the step grandchild.

BradfordLass72 Sun 03-Mar-19 22:23:11

It seems to me, reading your sad, unsympathetic letter, that you took against this little lad and his mother from the start.
You've allowed Confirmation Bias to influence you ever since.

I'm not sure they ever stood a chance of getting into your heart and it seems nothing's changed in the intervening years because you were never prepared to let it. You never wanted him - and it shows.

Can you imagine what sort of hurt and sitress that will have caused him?

I have a step grandchild (I dislike that word 'step' even though some people think it is necessary) and he has a lot of problems because he has a narcissistic father who still negatively influences him.

My son has been the stabilising, positive influence in his life and it's made a difference, as has the support of his mother, my DIL.
My grandson also had problems at birth which have not made life easy for him.

But he's a loving, caring little boy and, like your grandson (or the child you choose not to call your grandson) he's hitting puberty and going through the usual difficult times all youngsters have with hormones, including bouts of disrespect and rudeness and more.

To you, this seem cause for resentment because you can't tell your 'grandson' off.
You are taking your resentments out on this child.
Is that fair or just?

Maybe your not wanting anything to do with this little boy is the best thing for him.

What he needs is an understanding, sympathetic grandparent who sees what he's had to go through in his short life and allow for the fact that he cannot always articulate his pain and hurt.

From what you've written above (and that's all I have to go on), I don't believe you are that person.

LiveLaughLaove Mon 04-Mar-19 01:48:57

Tread very carefully and mind your own business. If he was your "blood" grandson it still wouldn't be any of your business to insert your opinion where its not needed. Your son is an adult. I'm sure he can handle it.

And what exactly so you mean when you say, "..after everything he has done for him?" Like your son was doing this child a favor by being his step father. Mind your own business. If you want nothing to do with that child stay away from your sons family. You sound very hateful towards a 10 year child who speaks volumes about your character.

Why are you "sick and worried," about your son? Why can't you just respect his marital choice? You seem to be the one with a problem in my opinion if his choices on family and marriage make you so resentful towards a child. Last when you say that this 10 year old is rude and disrespectful, is this a factual or perceived claim? If your so uncomfortable with his family life then simply keep your distance, for your hate/resentment towards this child (from what seems to me as an imagined fault to find a reason to hate) is quite disturbing. hmm


Thank you for your replies. Sadly I could not put full details of why I am so upset- I am so not that person.

BlueBelle Mon 04-Mar-19 05:55:33

I find it strange that you had to be told to treat the kid as your flesh and blood when he first arrived. Your son obviously felt you wouldn’t treat him as such to have to say that to you
we were never happy about this girl well you obviously had made up your mind that the girlfriend and her child were not going to be good news from day one
So the little lad has not only entered a new home four or five years ago but continues to live in a turbulent one and after the first year in this new environment he had to cope with a new sibling
To be honest I want nothing to do with this kid he isn’t our flesh and blood however much they want him to be....and I bet he knows it
You do not come out of this thread sounding a very kind caring and inclusive person
‘This kid’ sounds awful Not an ounce of love, kindness or understanding comes out of your post

Poor little lad, a mother and father who live a turbulent life and grandparents who have so little feelings for him that he is called ‘the kid’

Look at yourselves and your son and girlfriend if the lad is a nightmare

kittylester Mon 04-Mar-19 06:07:05

Welcome xxxx, I am assuming you are new.


Oh Kittylester - thank you - yes - but never again!

TwiceAsNice Mon 04-Mar-19 06:32:53

Welcome xxxxx I presume you are new. With regards the little boy in your family I have twin grandaughters who are nearly 10 and their behaviour and moods are sometimes at the moment up and down and it’s obviously to do with hormones. When you have him at your house is he by himself? What do you all do, do you make the effort to do nice things? Is he bored? If there are arguments at home your home could be a bit of a peaceful place. He is still only a child and and has no choice about how his mother and your son behave. They are adults and should think of their effect on him, your son is grown up and does not need to be protected by you and has to take responsibility for his relationship a does the child’s mother. Try and be extra nice to this child and try to find out what makes him tick and see what difference you can make, I’m sorry if you are unhappy but you are an adult in all this too, we cannot choose our children’s partners

Luckygirl Mon 04-Mar-19 09:17:42

The thing about posting on Gransnet is that not everyone will agree with you; as is right and proper.

I absolutely agree that you do sound unsympathetic to this poor child, based on the family he comes from.

"after all he has done for him " sent a shiver down my spine. Is a 10 year old to be grateful for coming from a chaotic family; only to then find himself in the middle of a turbulent relationship? - and with a grandmother who does not like him?

I am not the least surprised that he is playing up.

MissAdventure Mon 04-Mar-19 09:21:41

Surely its normal for a child that age to play up, regardless of what the adults in his life are up to?

As a stepfather, its your sons moral duty to do things for his stepson, not anything remarkable which deserves gratitude.

notanan2 Mon 04-Mar-19 09:37:19

Whatever else it is you arent including in your posts that you think justifies your venom, the 10yr old child is just that! A CHILD.

It sounds like you and your son are projecting your dissatisfaction re the relationship with the childs mother onto this child. I guess he is a convenient scapegoat rather than holding the adults to account sad

LiveLaughLaove Mon 04-Mar-19 13:56:06

"Sadly I could not put full details of why I am so upset- I am so not that person."

Your step-grandchild is the biological child to a woman your son is married to. Your biological grandchild is a biological sibling to a step child that you hate. If you really want to talk about blood know that your DIL and her two children (yes your step grandchild included) have more in common. You may wish your son never met 'this woman," and whine about how you want nothing to do with your step grandchild but the fact remain that none of these children will ever be disposable. As you find reasons to remain upset at a 10 year old who is now a part of your sons family, bear in mind whom they will quickly dispose of if you become intolerable.

And quite honestly your entire posts just irritates me. The fact that you dislike a child simply for the are not blood is disgusting. And like I said before speaks more of your character than that of the child. Mind your own business and leave this child alone. Its not your family anyway. Its your sons family. He's an adult anif he's not complaining why are you?

luluaugust Mon 04-Mar-19 17:06:47

I can understand, just about, that when your son first got together with this lady that you might have felt he wasn't starting a family from scratch as you had hoped but you really have to get to grips with modern life. Many, many people have blended families now and you do need to consider that if you let things go on as they are you may find you are not able to see your small granddaughter. What a time this boy has had, why not change tack and try a bit harder with him, small boys can be rude, or is it cheeky and 10 is a difficult age, school changes coming up apart from everything else. If your son is not getting on with his partner you have to keep out of it. I sense you are worried sick and everything has got out of hand, time to look at how you are handling things.

notanan2 Mon 04-Mar-19 18:39:42

If you try to create some sort of "inner circle" for just you, your DS, and your bio grandchild, you may end up finding yourself on the outside, because this boy is no loose aquaintance. Your bioGC is more closely related to this boy, and your sons partner, than she is to you! THEY are the "inner circle" and if you want to be included from time to time you need to accept that. You are your GC's extended family. The boy and mother and your DS are her immediate family. Your "bloodline" doesnt override that.

Do yourself a favour and start seeing them as family. We dont have to always LIKE our family, but we also cant chose em. These people will ALWAYS be closely related to your GC you cant wish that away.

notanan2 Mon 04-Mar-19 18:43:49

& Im not sure I would want much to do with someone who hated my immediate family so think about how your GD will view you as she gets older! Siblings can be WILDLY defensive of each other (even if they are at each others throats half the rest of the time grin ). It may be hard for your GD to like you if you make her feel she has to defend her brother and mum from your hatred!

GrandmainOz Fri 08-Mar-19 02:21:47

I would respectfully suggest that you consider counselling. Clearly there are some issues which have upset you, that you feel you can't mention here.
However your relationship with this boy, who is only a child, just sounds awful. You're projecting horrible feelings onto him. Whatever he's done, he's only a child. Do you hate him purely because of who his mother is?
Get some help putting this all in perspective, before your attitude causes irreparable rifts.
If I was the boy's mother and saw my two children being treated totally differently because of their bloodlines, I'd steer clear of the person doing it, along with BOTH of my kids. I'm part of a complicated, blended family so I do have a lot of experience.
Every child deserves to feel secure in its own family. Blood ties or not!.
The child does not cause divorces/marriages. Adults do that and children have to cope with their choices. You are focussing blame on a child and his mother. This relationship was YOUR adult son's choice. Best he gets his house in order!

pammybabe Mon 13-May-19 21:55:31

My step grandson asked if he could call me grandma when he was about 5. It's been lovely. We've had our ups and downs and now he's 22 and phones most weeks. He's just a grand son and don't think of him as a step.

Sara65 Tue 14-May-19 07:27:24

To be honest, I feel worried for this little boy, he apparently had a difficult time before your son came on the scene, and by your own admission, he’s had a turbulent time since, I think perhaps you should be showing more concern for the boy, and stop making such a drama about your son, he’s a grown up