I'm step mother and we just had a grandbaby

My son has two children, the eldest is from my d-i-l's first partner and they have a daughter together. Both call me Nan and I think of both as my grandchildren. They have their Grandparents in the USA and, if I did find another partner, I would hope that they would accept him as Grandpa (or whatever he wanted to be called). They know that my husband died a long time ago - Grandpa in heaven is how he is usually referred to.

My DH and I have both been married before and both of our previous spouses have remarried. All ten of our grandchildren have three sets of grandparents and we are all called Nanny S/Grandad C or Grandma/Grandpa. They are all treated the same. It's adults who see problems not children.

#1 daughter has a son, nearly 13, by one father and then a daughter nearly 4 by her second, later partner. Father of first child is more present as second partner, now divorced, travels a lot for work. The small daughter is often looked after by grandson's dad, not her father. He is the favourite babysitter. Not only that but his family treat his small sister as if his child. At Christmas or other times daughter and both children go and stay with son's father's family and enjoy visiting with all the small cousins. granddaughter is the youngest of a large group of children and all are wonderful to her.

Grandson's father's parents are lovely and that grandma is a wonderful knitter and made beautiful baby things for granddaughter and now for her doll! Small granddaughter loves the whole family and mum and both children have been on holiday to wider family in Italy with them a few times, and to weddings etc. In addition daughter and children are vegan, although dad and family are not, but they make a huge effort and provide very nice vegan food whenever daughter and kids visit.

As long as everyone is loving to the children it all works well. I get a bit jealous as granddaughter has not been on holiday with me, but I do look after her after nursery and did for the last years, so do see her too, as does her grandfather.

Legally, you are not the grandmother. How your step children view you though is a totally different world. If they want their child to regard you as a grandparent the that's how it should be. The blood grandparents need to be told by the parents what they want. Congratulations on the new member if your family.

My younger stepdaughter and her husband are both children of divorced and repartnered parents. They decided that all of the older generation would be treated the same, so I am Granny Pen to their children despite not being a blood relative. I think this is by far the best approach for blended families. The grandchildren seem quite happy with it too.

How nasty. Who actually said it, obviously not stepson and wife as they looked uncomfortable. Honestly, judging by some of the posts on Gransnet Grandmothers frequently go to war over new babies. Just take a bit of a back seat and wait for the novelty to wear off.

We have a step-grandson. We are still trying to build a relationship with him (he's had some difficult times in his young life) and at the moment he doesn't call us anything, just comes and speaks to us. That's fine with us. I was delighted to get a hug from him recently, that's real progress. At Christmas I asked my DIL what she would like me to write on cards & presents for step-GS as I didn't wish to upset her parents. She said 'Just Nanny & Grandad, he'll work it out for himself'. He now has a younger sibling who is our 'natural' GC and I think when the little one calls us by whatever name he chooses his older brother will do the same.

Seems a bit harsh but maybe the biological GPs will calm down when the initial joy of being a GP has settled down. Will you be expected to carry out GP 'duties' such as babysitting, etc?
We are all grandad/grandma xx to all our GC, regardless of whether we are the biological or step GPs.
Hope the situation settles down soon.

How mean not letting you have a cuddle!
I would concentrate on building on your good relationship with DIL and SS and when you catch them on their own ask them by what name they would like the baby to call you.
I would try and avoid going round when other GPs are visiting if poss.

My father had a wonderful partner of over 10 years who was a massive part of my life. She tragically died when my son was as 2 and the only time she met my daughter was during the EOL care. So not really.

She was as much a Nanny as the other two biological grandmothers. She was as loved, valued and treasured as an amazing person and even though we continue to mourn her 3 years on I am still so grateful that we got her at all.

If I ever ever heard anyone say anything about her like what you had said I would’ve ripped them a new one.
I could tell my MIL was getting a bit tetchy about sharing the Nanny title with her but I didn’t give a single shit. These names were chosen pre my son and so it continued. Not my problem.

Do not worry, the prowess will die down its quite normal with the excitement of a new grandchild, elbows are sharpened granny wars begin. After a few weeks when new parents want baby sitters and nappies to be changed and new mum goes back to work and wants carer 24/7 they will be all out the back door. My stepadults have had children and I stay out of it, I let the blood nannies fight it out. its amusing to be a bystander. The little one will grow up fast and no doubt you will have your time. I have my own grandchildren. I do encourage my husband to be involved and he visits his grandchildren and adult children on his own so they have quality time. I stay in the background. As for names be who you want to be there are no rules and join in regardless its about the children not the adults silly games.

Hope the OP appreciates all the helpful posts.

Oh grow up lemon you lot are just so so boring. So so so boring.

I would say next to your partner let hin talk to them put them straight take care

I have a couple of step children and when my OH's son became a father four years ago, I just didn't know where I stood. My SS's mother died when he was 11 From the time I met OH I have never tried to be SS replacement mother but I am as proud of him as I am my own son and watched him grow and was there for him, always. Our children are friends and there has never been any animosity between us, ever.

I was delighted for my OH when his son was born and the first to mention on meeting him that Grandad should give the little fellow a welcome cuddle as he was hesitant. (His first grandchild) However, no one, not SS, DIL or OH mentioned the new arrival also had a Nana present. No one passed the baby to me. I took a cuddle and had a little chat with him but I might have been a nurse on the ward. I smiled for them all, they were full of pride and joy, but I went home feeling really left out. A few weeks later I mentioned to OH that still no one had mentioned the little chap had a nana too, in me, and OH mentioned this to them when I wasn't around. Then it became a bit obvious that they bent over backwards to call me 'Nana' but even to this day DIL tells DGC go to "Grandad" for a cuddle when we visit. No one says "Go to Nana" or anything like that. I cuddled him and cooed over him from the beginning but it is still about Grandad visiting when we go to see them. To this day I don't feel I am his relative. He is a gorgeous little boy who starts school this year and I love being with him and spoil him as I do my other grandchildren, but neither SS or DIL makes me feel like a cherished grand mother.

All I can do is smile and ensure the little man has lots of fun when he is with us. He is a star, and very affectionate. (SS and DIL still tells him four years down the line he is "Going to stay with Grandad" and quickly add..."and Nana.")

Hey ho. It does hurt but I cannot let it show. I tell myself it's just a name.

* Correction. "I was delighted for my SS" when his own son was born.

Am I correct in thinking that it was the other "grandmas" who made the nasty comments to you?

That being so, your step son should really grow a pair and stand your corner, what made him and his wife think it was ok for those nasty people to treat you in such a way?!

My advice, watch and wait, the other grandmas will have lives of their own and, new baby or not, they will not be available 24/7 and in the fullness of time your services will be required.

Day6 I had a similar "left out" feeling at first with one of my stepchildren's first child. I carried on doing as you are doing. Recently a second child was born and my stepchild made a point of making sure I had a cuddle. If you carry on behaving in the kind and generous way that you are, maybe things will change with time.

The other grandmother of my dgd has dgc and so does her husband. She treats them all pretty much the same, and so does he. Am impressed.

Petty petty comments made by very rude, insensitive people can spoil many beautiful moments if they are allowed. Thankfully you didn't allow it to spoil the new parents happy time but I'm sure they will try to make it up to you when they are home with the lovely new grandchild. Like other posts have said, give it time, it'll all work out, congratulations

Nasty! Bide your time, don’t be pushy for visits in the early days. Be interested, buy something pampering for your SDIL like expensive hand cream (she’ll be washing her hands a lot) and a great no-spill thermal mug so she gets to drink her tea or coffee warm from time to time over the next frenetic months. Ask how she and your DSS are as well as the baby.
Those two harpies will soon have her climbing the walls if their treatment if you is indicative of their competitive approach to grandparenthood.

Oh what a shame ,makes me so glad I purposefully chose to date childless men after my own marriage broke up.Some thought I was being harsh ,even to myself ,but I knew I personally couldn't bare the weekend & holiday dads .Or when the children grew the weddings & then the grandchildren & what to be called so not to tread on someone's toes .Nope for me a bachelor was perfect,I'm sure I'm enough of a nightmare for him ..but he does love being Granddad Matthew.

My dgs have eight grandparents as each parent has re-partnered. There is no differentiation, each gp has a unique name, some are variations on grandma/grandpa + name but others are individual. My dd and dsil had conversations with us all about what we wanted to be called and embraced the idea that there would be so many of us! The oldest dgc is just now beginning to sort out the relationships but it's all very matter of fact ('Grandad J used to live with x but now lives with y' type of thing)
I realise from this thread how very lucky we are

When that child Is old enough to form relationships in its own head, they will decide where you are in their heart. The title of grandparent is really just that, a title. They could go onto loving the kind old lady next door .

Am I on the wrong track here?

I understood you to mean that the mothers of your step- son and daughter-in-law were the ones who were unkind, not the young couple themselves.

If I'm right, try to visit when neither of these ladies are going to be there.

You say the young parents looked uncomfortable, as well they might but kept silent. This probably hurt a bit, but really was wise of them. There was no point in this escalating into a full scale family row.

I do understand why you were hurt, this jostling for place as grandmother is horrible, but so many people do it.

Have a quiet word with your stepson and his wife about what they want the baby to call you and go with that.

No child has ever been harmed by having an extra grandparent to love and be loved by, and you sound as if you have a good relationship with your stepson and his wife, so keep it up.

Perhaps one day you can jokingly tell them that you felt their dear mothers were making you feel inferior, but don't do so now.