My daughter favours one child over another

I only have two children but it is very difficult to treat them the same as they are two different people and respond in different ways. I love them both equally but my DD was always a difficult child, the eldest, on the other hand my son was so easy. I am sure my DD thinks I loved DS more but it was not the case - he was just easier to be nice to all the time.

My younger sister was always the 'favoured' one with our parents as she was planned and I was the 'accident' that forced them to marry too young (their words). Both sets of grandparents then favoured me to compensate which was not a good idea. We had a very complicated upbringing with us both being the victim and Golden child depending on the day and time. We never got on then and still don't.

Thank you Nana69 and Starlady for you kindness. I’m glad to be able to tell you that after something upset me very much a few years ago I told myself “I am done” and I no longer have anything to do with that ‘child’.

No, I think she has posted before

Where's the lady that always issues the gracious welcome to newcomers?

Is the OP a newcomer?

If it helps- I was that child.
I’m fine now, other people seem to like and value me. You must do what you can to make sure she knows she is valued.
I wasn’t a middle child, I was the eldest.

Sorry, that should say "would have" not "would have could have," lol!

Beechnut and paddyann - hugs!

Beechnut, I knew a family who always blamed their oldest child for anything that any of their 4 kids did. I think it was just easier, somehow, and got to be a habit. Not that those are any excuses. Idk if it extended to when the oldest grew up and went out on her own though. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I hope you try to ignore it and just end the conversation/visit if it happens.

Paddyann, I wish your mum would have could have called you her "intellectual" or her "smart one" or her "reader," instead of how she phrased it. At least, that would have given you a positive identity. But Idk if that would have made up for the fact that she called the others "beautiful" and "gorgeous." I never understand why any parent feels the need to introduce their kids that way. Simply saying their names should be enough.

I was the middle of 3 and I thought it was a good place to be! I was probably the best behaved though!

I always made sure that my middle child was called the middlest. My DH and I thought we treated everyone the same but apparently we had a golden child! Maybe your daughter is not so aware?

Paddyann, thank you for your comments. I do try and will go on making her feel special, but have to do it discretely.
Sorry that you know how it feels. Interestingly she is the middle child. The others have serious anxiety issues.

is this middle child syndrome,I'm a middle child my sisters were aleays the most beautiful the" best at " everything according to my mum.I have self esteem issues and have had all my life.I remember one day in particular when we met an old friend of mums she introduced my sisters first with,this is my beautiful one ,this is my gorheous baby and this (me) is the one who always has her head stuck in a book It hurt then an dsometimes it still hurts.Most middle children I know have similar experiences .Try talking to your daughter about making one feel inferior ,the alternative is for you to always make that child feel special.I hope it gets sorted before it does damage to the childs self esteem .

Sorry to hear you are still suffering from being the unfavoured one. The consequences can last a lifetime.
Bless you x

Thank you so much for your reply. I know there is not much I can do and I must not be seen to be over compensating in the favour of the less favoured.
But what I can do is pray and God will answer my heart prayers in His good time. In the meantime I need to give all this pain to Him.

This isn’t a fix. I am just saying something from the unfavoured. I am one of four and I can tell you it’s not much fun when the Golden Child does something wrong and you get the flack for it, even when you no longer live in the family home.

Oh, Nana69, my heart goes out to you and the child who is "picked on." Iv heard before of families where one child is the "Golden Child" and can "do no wrong," while another is the "scapegoat." So I guess this is not unusual, But it is still wrong, imo, and very sad.

Is it possible that the Golden Child is so good most of the time that dd looks the other way when they're not? Or that the scapegoat is especially difficult, argues more, or whatever? This might be a reason for the different treatment, even though that doesn't excuse it.

How about the other two kids? Even though they aren't scapegoated, they must be aware of the favoritism, and it must hurt them, too.

Not sure there's much you can do about this. Have you spoken to dd about what you've observed? Do the kids say anything?

If you've spoken to her to no avail, then I'm afraid all you can do is be as loving to all of them as you can, make sure they all know their talents, abilities, etc. and that they are worthy human beings no matter what. Please resist any temptation to balance things by favoring the scapegoat, as that would hurt the others and probably explode in your face, anyway. I wish I could think of some "magic" things you could do or say to fix this situation, but I'm afraid I can't. Perhaps someone else will.

I'm not sure if there's anything you can do about this, tbh, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.