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(15 Posts)
earnshaw Sun 21-Apr-19 23:54:04

my grandaughter is 12 and , although so well behaved for me, her grandad and school. at home she changes completely ,so disrespectful and cheeky and ungrateful, my daughter is at her wits end , i suggested taking her phone off her as she uses it a lot, she tried that but it doesnt really work, any ideas

janeainsworth Mon 22-Apr-19 00:17:47

Can you talk to your GD about this Earnshaw? It sounds as though she is angry/frustrated in some way at home.
A lot of schools now have counselling services for young people - maybe your GD could access this?

stella1949 Mon 22-Apr-19 02:29:51

12 is a tricky age as I well know. Girls are going through puberty and the hormones can make their personalities change dramatically.

My GD13 is similar to yours - always pleasant and calm when with me ( which is every day since I take her to / from school) . I've dealt with all sorts of personal issues with her and she is always easy tot talk to.

But when she is at home with her father and brother , she is a very different girl apparently. She is disrespectful and very rude to her brother , calling him every name you can think of, and totally ignoring her father ( my son).

I guess we can only guess at what goes on in an adolescent's head ! I can only suggest getting some counselling if that is available. But since her behaviour is only bad at home, that might be where the problem lies. Good luck.

Starlady Mon 22-Apr-19 09:44:33

It sounds like there are some issues between mother and child. So yes, counseling is my first thought. Not just for gd, but for both of them together (family counseling).

FlexibleFriend Mon 22-Apr-19 13:16:11

I always told my kids if they were going to be rude, play up etc. I'd rather they did it at home rather than at school. They need an outlet and it's better to do it at home than anywhere else IMO. That way you're aware of it and can deal with it. At 12 I'd sit her down and have a chat same as I would if she was an adult. Tell her you understand life is shit at times and we all need a release but that it hurts your daughter when she's so rude therefore could she try to not be so rude but say what's making her ratty. I've always found talking to kids like adults pays dividends. You don't need to know every little detail that would freak them out but a brief explanation will avoid punishment type of thing.

Newmom101 Mon 22-Apr-19 13:50:45

Totally disagree with counselling! That's an overreaction. She's being a typical 12 year old. It's the stage of life where teenagers are starting to break away from their parents and gain independence, its natural that the people she rebels against most are her parents, because they set the rules and boundaries, and it's those which she's rebelling against.

Grandparents and school is slightly different. Because at school it's the rules that everyone follows, so she's more likely to comply if her friends are. And as grandparents you may set the rules for in your home but it's not the same as her parents who (in her eyes) are in control of her life. It's totally normal behaviour. I work in a school and we get lots of kids like this, their parents are always shocked that they're lovely and polite to teachers but aren't at home.

She will grow out of it, but your daughter needs to make decisions into less of a power struggle, offer choices where she can (like you would a toddler really!). So some boundaries need to be firm and non-negotiable (like her curfew and pocket money) but other things may be more of a negotiation (like dinner, staying at friends houses, what chores she does).

Also, does she have much independence? Does she walk to school? Get to spend time in town or the park with friends at weekends?

paddyann Mon 22-Apr-19 15:17:20

its her age,my angelic GD has become the same ,with tears for nothing and answering beack.Her mum took her to the GP in case there was something she wouldn't speak to her mum about but the GP confirmed its just her age.She'll grow out of it ,I'm sure anyone who has had teenage or preteen daughters recognises this phase

notanan2 Mon 22-Apr-19 16:25:50

Sometimes when kids cant deal with their feelings they hold it in until they are in a safe place with "safe people".

I had this when DD was unhappy at school. School insisted there was no problem there because she was fine at school, but as soon as she was safely home: WOAH it was carnage!

Turns out there were HUGE problems at school but she didnt feel safe enough with the adults there to tell them.

She had made herself a shield of "fine" all day to cope. Until she was around people she felt safe showing her feelings to, and then she let it all out in destructive ways.

Look up lovebombing.

Tell your DD she is showing her her emotional side because she trusts her, she just doesnt know how to let those feelings out in a healthy way and needs help doing that.

Look into "love bombing" and maybe find a de-stressing activity they can do together: kickboxing or yoga etc, to help the DD learn to manage her stress

BradfordLass72 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:00:35

I agree that counselling is over-reacting at this stage.

But this young lassie is definitely suffering and needs help.

As she feels safe with you earnshaw I would suggest you find a time, during a cuddle maybe, to quietly tell her you will help in any way and keep everything she tells you in confidence, so when she feel she wants to, you'll be there to listen.
Then if she opens up you can decide between you, what's the best way of tackling her problem.

Don't forget that what we adults may see as a minor or even insignificant thing is, to an adolescent, sometimes the end of the world.

PS: notanan2 Could not find anything positive on 'lovebombing' just insincere cult stuff. Do you have a reference ?

TwiceAsNice Tue 23-Apr-19 09:20:35

As a counsellor if children and adolescents I disagree about the counselling. Sometimes talking to a neutral person instead of a relative can help enormously . The counsellor will help the child look at other perspectives as well as her own and give strategies to help manage emotions. It will be confidential unless anything said rings alarm bells for risk if so school/family will be alerted but in most cases sessions are a safe space for children to sort out their issues. These may be minor to family but major to them

janeainsworth Tue 23-Apr-19 12:28:02

I agree Twiceasnice. I think if the OP’s daughter is ‘at her wits end’ then there’s obviously a problem within the family.
Early intervention can prevent much more serious problems later.

midgey Tue 23-Apr-19 13:44:56

I think many children appear to have a head transplant somewhere between their parents house and school or grandparents homes! On the whole that’s better than the other way around in the case of poor behaviour.grin

notanan2 Tue 23-Apr-19 16:25:34

Bradfordlass here is one of the first ones that came up on google

In my house it just means setting aside a time to say "yes" to everything. (We sometimes dont realise how often we say "not now" or "maybe another time")

Children have so little autonomy really. Every now and then I try to give them a day where they call the shots: they decide what the family will be eating, what the family will be doing, where to go, whether to have a lazy lie in morning or up for a trip etc.

My only rule is I will pay to do things but not to buy things. (As in you can chose a shopping day, but I wont say yes to everything you want to buy )

It sounds trivial but giving them time to be in control and not fobbed of or said "no" to (as is often necessary in family life), and the family being AVAILABLE to them, does seem to reset emotional problems.

Its really surprising what they come up with, its often simple every day things they pick.

notanan2 Tue 23-Apr-19 16:30:14

12 is a rubbish age in that you have responsibilities without freedoms

janeainsworth Tue 23-Apr-19 16:39:15

That’s interesting Notanan.
When we took 3DCs on holiday (self catering in Cottage in Cornwall) we found the best way to keep the peace was to allow them to choose each day in turn what we would do that day. Within reason of course, and occasionally the grown ups got to choose.
The deal was that no one was allowed to moan and whinge about anyone else’s choice.

4 DGCs will be staying this summer & we will use the same system.