Gransnet forums


Granddaughter Problems

(18 Posts)
Sapphirerlf Wed 15-May-19 13:27:57

I am new to this Forum. Three years ago my dd died leaving her dh and 3 dds. We have helped as much as we can and kept regular contact with our SIL and the DGCs having the children over regularly and helping out with activities etc. Unfortunately the youngest DGC has started being very rude and questioning everything she is asked to do often refusing to do it. She is constantly in trouble at school and it is a real challenge when she comes to visit. Our SIL is firm with her but she seems to be getting worse. I want to help in any way I can but don't want to interfere too much. When she is with us I try to praise the good behaviour and clamp down on the bad behaviour but I am finding it very difficult. I just so want to help. Any advice please. I should add our other two DGCs who are older are well behaved and polite.

Luckygirl Wed 15-May-19 13:47:27

I am so sorry to hear of the death of your DD - as well as trying to help everyone, you will also have your own grief still to deal with and I can see that this must all be a very difficult situation for you.

This little girl, as I understand it, is the youngest, and presumably would have found it very hard to deal with when her Mum died, being so young at the time.

I am just wondering whether she might benefit from a bereavement charity like

And also the Sue Ryder Foundation gets involved with helping in this situation:


If you google "childhood bereavement" there are lots of sources of help.

I think it would be reasonable to assume that some of this girl's problems are bereavement related, so hopefully these organisations might be able to help.

notanan2 Wed 15-May-19 13:50:13

What age is this GC

Sometimes if you keep parenting the same way without adjusting it for age, it stops working and the child resists and pushes back more

notanan2 Wed 15-May-19 13:51:33

I dont think there is anything wrong with "questioning everything"

"Because I said so" is never a good approach, and only works temporarily with young kids before it back fires

janeainsworth Wed 15-May-19 14:13:21

Goodness notanan who said the OP responds to her GD by saying ‘because I said so?’
Why do you always imagine the worst of people?

Sapphire my advice would be to try to discuss this with your SiL. He is probably distracted with worry about GD and would welcome the opportunity to discuss it.
Also, have you actually talked to GD about her behaviour? I’m guessing that she’s probably coming up to puberty and may have all sorts of anxiety issues.
Schools increasingly have provision for counselling pupils & your GD may have access to someone who could help her.
Have the school talked to SiL about her behaviour?

TwoSlicesOfCake Wed 15-May-19 14:18:13

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. Gentle hugs if you want them.
What does the little girls father have to say? He should be involved in and leading any conversations about his daughter and anything done about her behavior.
That being said, it sounds like your granddaughter might benefit from some therapy. Everyone processes grief differently. A qualified and licensed child therapist (ideally specialized in grief) could help her immensely.

notanan2 Wed 15-May-19 14:20:40

Goodness notanan who said the OP responds to her GD by saying ‘because I said so?’

OP specifically said she had problems with the child "questioning everything". A child should, IMO. It can only cause problems if it is clashing with "just because" style parenting..

janeainsworth Wed 15-May-19 15:18:58

Perhaps it’s exhausting for the OP trying to think of reasonable, logical answers all the time!
Why do you jump to the most unfavourable conclusion? You seem to think your own parenting is much better than anyone else’s. hmm

notanan2 Wed 15-May-19 15:29:38

Okay I don't know you from Adam janeainsworth but you seem to think you know me and have some sort of grudge which I couldnt care less about. If we disagreed on another thread and you havent gotten over it...well .. I don't care, lets try to stick to the topic of the thread and the OP's questions shall we...

EllanVannin Wed 15-May-19 15:41:02

Poor little girl. It sounds like frustration and a kind of misunderstanding of life/death in general and she's acting out her feelings.
There's not a lot more that you can do that you're not already doing.
This " behaviour " will pass in time it's just a matter of showing love and patience.

Eglantine21 Wed 15-May-19 16:19:36

Sometimes it’s hard being the youngest. Everybody bosses you about.

And people compare you to your older siblings. Very hard if they are clever or shining examples of goodness.

I notice you say “have the children over”. Any chance you and her can have some special time without the others? Maybe a day out doing something she enjoys.

janeainsworth Wed 15-May-19 16:25:45

I don’t know you notanan, I simply see what you write. I judge your posts, not you.

notanan2 Wed 15-May-19 16:27:51

This thread isn't about you and me janeainsworth ...... the OP would prob get more out of your assessment of her thread topic than your assessment of my posting history....

Sapphirerlf Wed 15-May-19 16:43:41

Thank you for your very helpful answers. I do plan to have a talk with her dad. She did have some counselling at her primary school. When I say questioning everything I mean arguing all the time in a forceful way when she is asked to do something. I probably didn't phrase that very well. I certainly don't mind her asking questions and do give her praise for the good things she does and lots of love.

Sapphirerlf Wed 15-May-19 16:47:23

Notanan2 She is 11.

janeainsworth Wed 15-May-19 16:58:33

Sapphire it sounds to me as though you’re doing everything right & I’m sure your SiL will be grateful to be able to share his worries with you.

Sara65 Wed 15-May-19 17:00:10

This must be such a difficult time for you, especially after losing your daughter

Eleven, is such an awkward age, puberty may be kicking in, and she hasn’t got her mummy to talk to, even if it’s away off physically, girls tend to become touchy and emotional at this age

As someone mentioned, it may be an idea to get some time alone with her, she may open up a bit

Good luck with it all, hope you manage to sort some things out

notanan2 Wed 15-May-19 17:01:16

At 11 you have to change tact. I had actually guessed it might be that kind of age from your post which is why I asked.

You cannot expect what works on young kids to work on tweens.

Give her more control and choice. Involve her in the rules. At that age my kids wrote their own homework and chore rotas, which made it much easier. E.g. "you said you wanted to get all your work done by thursdays so you have weekends free" rather than "do your chores because I say" IYKWIM.

Involving that age in decisions and even in what the house rules should be works wonders! Good luck