Grandkids dad has become raging alcoholic

I can only reiterate what others have said. The children are the top priority here, and must be protected.

It is very difficult for anyone not in the situation to understand why a woman doesn't leave an abusive relationship, even when there are children, and agnurse has summed it up very well.

I wonder - has anyone ever recorded the father when he is in full flow? Maybe if he was shown a video recording, or audio recording of what he sounds like, it may be a wake up call (although it does sound unlikely from what you've said) as to how terrifying it is for young children to witness.

Has anyone spoken to the children's schools about the home situation? Schools in the UK are very proactive about child protection and can implement all kinds of measures to help and support the mother and/or the children. In your situation though, it sounds as though the mother isn't ready to acknowledge the situation and seek/accept support, so it's down to the adults/professionals to take steps.

I strongly believe that the adults in this scenario need to forget about "what happens to me if I . . . . " and just do something to protect those children. "So what" if your stepdaughter "kills you" for reporting to Child Protection Services? You say - "most of his abuse is verbal abuse along with all the yelling, cursing, and complaining. You can see how its affecting these girls, he's a large intimidating man, I can only imagine the nightmares the girls must have about him, he really is a monster to them." And yet you still hesitate to do anything to safeguard them

Not knowing how things work in terms of child protection in the USA, it's hard for us to give specific advice. But to be harsh - doing nothing, knowing what you know, is tantamount to colluding with the father in the abuse of the vulnerable young children.

Please, do something

I don't see where the OP's SIL has committed physical abuse, however, though I realize verbal/emotional abuse can be just as frightening for a woman. And, of course, it could escalate to physical abuse if she let him know she was leaving, which she may worry about.

"There is also, sadly, a very real possibility that the abuse will escalate if she tries to leave. This is not a theoretical risk; it is well-documented. In some cases the abuse becomes homicidal if the survivor tries to leave. "

That's why I always think a woman should leave quietly, when her H isn't home, and not let him know she's going beforehand. Also, she should have a safe place to go to where there are people who can and will protect her if he finds out where she is and follows her.

I think you do need to report this situation.

The sad reality is that it's not easy to leave an abusive partner and it isn't entirely your DSD's fault.

Many abused women have multiple issues trying to leave, especially if there are children involved. In many jurisdictions she may not be able to simply walk out the door with the children, as this may be considered parental abduction. Conversely, if she leaves and doesn't take the children, in some jurisdictions she is considered to have abandoned the family and her partner could seek sole custody. She may have beloved pets that her partner has threatened to harm if she leaves. She may have limited access to money and support. It's quite possible that he won't allow her to work, so she has limited means to support herself. Some abuse survivors are simply so beaten down that they don't believe themselves that they have the personal qualities and inner strength to leave.

There is also, sadly, a very real possibility that the abuse will escalate if she tries to leave. This is not a theoretical risk; it is well-documented. In some cases the abuse becomes homicidal if the survivor tries to leave. She may simply believe that as bad as things are, it's better to stay with him because she knows where she stands and she doesn't have to face the unknown.

Hi, this situation is awful and really cannot continue for the children. Your DSD needs to leave, be brave and leave, sounds like she’d have yours and your wife’s support. In the UK we can get police and social services involved. Also, an injunction served for him to stay away. Wishing you all the luck in the world. You’ve made the first step on here, now wear brave pants and do the rest x

Sparkly

I can report them anonymously and that's the only way I will do it, if they knew one of us reported them we'd never see them or the kids again. I would rather tell him face to face that if he keeps this crap up I'm going to report him but I'm afraid that would be a big mistake.

What scares me the most is his drinking, its gotten way out of hand. there's no telling what he might do when he's drunk.

thanks for your reply and concerns,
Rocky

Starlady

Your correct, most of his abuse is verbal abuse along with all the yelling, cursing, and complaining. You can see how its affecting these girls, he's a large intimidating man, I can only imagine the nightmares the girls must have about him, he really is a monster to them.

Again your right about his drinking, yes its the only that seems to make him happy but it also makes him mean and crazy. He gets so drunk that he's falling down, slurring his words, repeating himself over and over, and then he can't remember what he's said or done and every other word is a curse word.

I don't know how my step daughter can to be with him, he treats her like garbage most of the time. Sometimes I think love is a disease more than anything else!

thanks for your reply and insight,
Rocky55

Please contact the authorities, surely they can guarantee your anonymity?
If they find about this abuse from another source you and your wife will be questioned as to why, witnessing this cruelty for months neither of you acted on it to protect the children.
Forget about dealing with the drunk and your stepdaughter, they have chosen their path in life. Your grandchildren have no choice.
Go with your gut feeling and do what you know is right.

bradfordlass

Thanks for the info, there are shelters here for battered women but my step daughter would never take herself and the kids to one. She knows that herself and the kids are always welcome here with us but things would have to get a lot worst for her to consider leaving him.

They've never brought the kids here, we always have to drive 7 hours to where they live.

So sorry Rocky that's a terrible situation to be in.
The welfare of the children comes before all else and they should not be left with this abusive man. You are right in your decision to tell the authorities despite the fact it will upset your wife and step daughter. For evil to triumph it is only necessary for good men to do nothing - to paraphrase.

Yes, BlueBelle I did see that 2nd post but thought it worth mentioning.
You never know, if she ever does get sick of kow-towing, she might just remember there is somewhere else to go other than her parents.
It's not going to get any better, that's for sure and if he injures one of the children, god forbid, she may come to her senses.
My heart breaks for those children and Mr & Mrs Rocky.

So sorry to hear about this situation, Rocky! Your SIL sounds like a abuser, even if it's "only' verbal/emotional abuse. Chances are, the alcohol makes him this way or makes him worse. But it doesn't matter, neither SD (stepdaughter) or your GC should be in that environment. However, since your SD seems to be, basically, enthralled w/ him, I agree that your focus must be on the GC. And I agree their welfare must come first, regardless of whether your DW (dear wife) gets to see them again or not. Hopefully, the authorities will keep them in contact w/ you, no matter where they land. But the most important thing is for the kids to be rescued from this horrendous situation.

Verbal/emotional abuse can be hard to prove, of course. But, IMO, it's worth trying for your GC's sake. Glad you're going to make that report

bradfordlass the refuge idea was my first reaction but if you see rocky’s subsequent posts you will see the step daughter doesn’t sound as if she would want to leave the abusive husband she would kiss his butt even after he has reamed her out . She is so brainwashed by him that she backs him so unfortunately she would not be going to any refuge
At this time there is only the children to save from this abusive monster

Please keep yourself and your wife safe too Rocky as it sounds as if your step-daughter may feel so intimidated that she will turn on you if he is reported.

This man has a mental problem called Narcissism and I'm sorry to say I have encountered a person like this in my own family. Oh, so charming when he's talking to officials and judges but a demon as soon as he encounters people weaker than himself.

I would suggest you find out where the nearest Women's refuge center is (to you or your step daughter) as they have a policy of helping women and children just like yours. They protect and advise and usually their locations are secret.
There are over 2,500 such places in the USA so sure to have one in your State. www.domesticshelters.org/help#?page=1

I do hope you can help this lovely family. Good luck.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism

You are welcome Rocky. Please let us know how it turns out. We all have a duty to keep children safe and free from harm. This man sounds horrendous.

Boosgran,

Your right, he's a bully, he bully's everyone, its how he gets what he wants. He also knows how to turn on the charm to fool people, he lies and exaggerates about everything too.

I've tried talking to him about his drinking but it does no good, he lies, says he's going to quit but you already know the second he says it that he has no intention of quitting. He has no self control, is always irritated and angry unless he's drunk, then he's happy but like most drunks he gets mean.

I know I have to report him, I'm glad I posted here, you've all given me the push I was looking for to do so!!

Thank You all,
Rocky55

My Step daughter would kill me if she knew I had reported him, she should have kicked him out of the house a long time ago but she never will until its too late.

To this day she will kiss his butt even after he's reamed her out about the house not being clean or anything else he can think of to complain about. She also home schools the children, so that he can control that too.

The other day I sent the girls a present, a soccer net, he had promised the girls one last year but did nothing. When it showed up at the house he questioned my step daughter about how much that cost and where did she get it. When he found out I purchased it he backed off but the following week he went and bought the girls a kick ball, he gets very jealous whenever we buy stuff for the kids. I think he's insane!!

Rocky55

Rocky, the only people that matter at the moment are those poor children. This man is a total dangerous bully and these children should be taken out of that environment ASAP. I am a children’s nurse and I have worked with many children that have suffered in this way through violent parenting. It can affect them for life. Please do what you can to get them away and into a place of safety.

In Britain it is possible to get a court order banning the father from the house and/or going within a fixed distance of the family home.

Is there a law like that in the state your step daughter and children lives in? It might be better for her and her children if they could stay in the family home and keep their local networks, children staying at school etc and for the person causing the trouble to be removed from the home.

You mention that your wife is worried that if you consult social services (CPS?) you may never see the children again. I am not sure how CPS works but in the UK social services would be concerned to remove the father rather than break up the family - especially when they have family support. If a court order banning the father is possible, you may need to consult CPS depending on local law.

Is it possible for your step daughter to consult an attorney who deals with family law to find out what her position would be if she tried to evict him from the family home.

You have all my sympathy in this terrible situation.

Thank you all for your quick and insightful reply's.

I do believe I'll have to anonymously report the abuse that's going on, my wife is too afraid of what the courts will do with her granddaughters but I'm too afraid of what's going to happen to the kids if someone doesn't hurry up and report him.

My step daughter is totally controlled by him, whenever she tells him to stop harassing the kids he tells her to STFU and then they argue like cats and dogs right in front of the kids. I guess she fails to see the emotional abuse that he's doing to these 4 little girls, we can't say much of anything to her because she runs and tells him everything. He keeps tabs on her all the time and basically interrogates her on everything, is always demeaning her (name calling) I don't know how she can stand to be with him!!

It really is an awful situation, I've never seen anything like it in my entire life.

Rocky55

This man is dangerous and the children need to be taken to a place of safety-can you do that? This is child abuse both physically and mentally. I am in the U.K. so I would alert social services or even the police. Please, just get them away from him as quickly as possible. A violent drunk is unpredictable and they are in danger.

I think you should bring the children back while he is asleep/ unconscious, even if your daughter won’t leave him. At least get them away from this dangerous man. You can work out the long term arrangements later.

The info may be different but the abuse is the same your step daughter the four children and your wife need to get out of this situation as soon as they can they are being held hostage by this alcoholic man and it is dangerous for them all

I'm in the US

Can you let us know where you live, is it the UK? If it isn’t then the advice is very different and you would be as well to get advice from a forum in the country you live.