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one sided Contact

(18 Posts)
Nannageddon Sun 02-Jun-19 19:47:58

GD is now 8 months. Son has always been a little distant but after baby was born was a bit more in touch and saw a bit more of him which was nice. We now seem to have settled back into the old routine of only occasional contact. Messages are sometimes answered sometimes not ( he reads them all he has told me before) calls are generally answered or returned at least. Arrangements are often cancelled at the last minute with an alternative that is then not followed up /forgotten. He rarely contacts me now and I am growing tired of always having to try and maintain contact as it's not really working.
The thing that worries me most is he has often become distant like this when he has problems in a relationship particularly with money and his girlfriend at the time. He won't discuss things like this with me or his father so it is difficult to know what to do for the best.

GrannyLiv Sun 02-Jun-19 20:38:48

Hi Nannageddon, please don't give up. You may be 'growing tired' of trying to maintain contact, but if things are going wrong in their relationship, you want to be in a position where your son knows that you are there to fall back on.

I can understand that your son may not want to talk about his financial or relationship worries (if that is the root of the problem), and he may not like to ask for help. But you need to let him know somehow that you are there to help without judging or taking sides.

Here's an idea, if things are tense, you could suggest a small holiday for you all? It need not be a big thing, maybe just a long weekend away. Offer to babysit one night so your son and his partner (?) can have a night off. You may find that everyone relaxes a bit so that you can have the sort of conversation you need to.

Good luck smile

BradfordLass72 Mon 03-Jun-19 00:36:28

Many new Dads go through a sense of rejection (valid or not) when a new baby takes up so much time and energy from Mum. Then they feel guilty. smile

Or sometimes it leads to an understandable, but regrettable argument. This is something only the couple can work out. Usually they do, as baby gets older.

He is probably missing the old carefree ways they enjoyed when there were just the two of them.

Men have absolutely no idea just how exhausting it is having and caring for a baby, especially if she is breastfed.

The more sympathetically understanding ones try their best to take any burdens they can from their partners: housework, shopping, baby-minding and so on.

It is not easy being new parents as you probably remember smile

It could be that the extra expense worries him but if so, he knows he can come to you and he's the one who should broach that subject.

Try not to worry; enjoy your grand-daughter and maybe your DH might decides to have a man-to-man (or old-Dad to new-Dad) word with an offer to help if it's needed?

dragonfly46 Mon 03-Jun-19 11:02:18

No please don't give up. Keep up with the texts etc. When my DD was at university I used to email her every day. She never replied so one day I stopped. She was on the phone immediately asking why I had stopped emailing as she loved getting them.
Men are strange beings and do tend to go into their shells when worried about things. As others have said being a new dad is incredibly challenging and probably taking up all his energy. You have more time so maintain the contact if only to show you care.

Starlady Mon 03-Jun-19 12:02:38

First, congratulations on the new GD!

Secondly, I'm sorry that contact w/ DS (dear son) is so one-sided. But since it has generally been this way, it doesn't surprise me that he's acting this way now. IMO, it's normal that he stepped up contact a little when GD was first here, but just as normal that he has now settled back into his usual patterns. Maybe more so b/c his life has changed and he is busier than before.

Still, I agree w/ others to keep up the one-way contact, as long as you're not being annoying or demanding a response. If you feel he may be having marital problems, that's all the more reason to show him you're there for him.

Starlady Mon 03-Jun-19 12:03:15

You might cut back on contact a little though and see if he notices.

Hymnbook Mon 03-Jun-19 13:01:54

My goodness l could have written this. My son exactly .Doesn't help that his dad my ex is meddlesome also good at stirring. Made arangements with my son to have a chat about the problem cancelled at the last minute par for the course. What's the solution no idea. Missing out on seeing my granddaughter's to

notanan2 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:13:41

To be honest, if youre not close to an AC prior to them having children, you wont suddenly be in their inner circle when GCs are added to the mix.

There is another thread running about social media and grandparenting. When others boast (either through genuine pride or through boasting, their motives irrelevant) about all the grandchild time they get, its worth remembering that these are people who spent a lot of time with their ACs PRIOR to GCs arrival.

If he is usually scatty prior to kids, he wont suddenly welcome you into the fold with reliable regular updates and contact now that he has kids. He is the person he always was you cant change him

What can you do? Well I am very strict with my boundaries when it comes to scatty unreliable people. I wont "block out" my diary for people who regularly cancel on me, I tell them that I would like to see them but I cant keep my life on hold just incase they decide to stick to plans, so they will have to fit around my plans.

But beware, unreliable types tend to think that they are busiest/most important, and DO NOT LIKE it when you stop being on call to them, instead telling them theyll have to work around you. So laying ground rules for serial cancellers often results in them cutting you off entirely. They are used to people bending around them and putting up with their unreliability and can actually be ANGRY at anyone who dares to not tolerate it.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:46:02

Could you ring to your grandchild's mother instead of to you son?

Men are often less good at keeping in contact with their families than women are. Perhaps the young mother is better at keeping tabs on visits etc.

You don't really mention the young woman, so I don't know whether she is off-hand with you, or not, but now might be the time to get to know her better, if you have only had a very formal relationship before.

notanan2 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:53:58

If my MIL tried to arrange things through me rather than her son because "women are better at that" it would have gotten us off on the wrong foot!

It may well p*ss the mother off! To be honest with you.

Hithere Mon 03-Jun-19 14:43:44

I agree with notanan2
Your dil is really busy with a baby, work (if she works), other kids (if she has any more kids), her home, her extended family, etc

If your son is falling short on managing the relationship you wish to have with them, talk to your son.

It is not your dil's fault your son is not making the choices you would like him to make.

maxdecatt Mon 03-Jun-19 15:32:13

Is he your only child?
If not you should ask his siblings if he is the same with them.
Let him know that you are thinking about your will and ask him if he has any suggestions. Hint that you are thinking of leaving 95% to the dog/cat home and 5% to be shared between him and his siblings). That should elicit a rapid response. You know what they say, "Where there is a will there are relations".

March Mon 03-Jun-19 18:17:33

If he was terrible at keeping contact before he became a Dad then he will be just as terrible after! Some people are just like that. You can't change it.

Please don't try and blackmail your son by using your will/inheritance.
It's about a subtle as a gun.

leyla Mon 03-Jun-19 18:25:09

I would work hard at having a good relationship with your son's partner as she is possibly (probably) the key to a diary slot. To be fair my MIL has done this with me - we have a good relationship and she often comes to stay even if DH is working away. Old fashioned I know, but it's usually me that reminds DH to call her and she knows that I am custodian of the family calendar.
Make sure that your GCs Mum knows that you are interested in her and want to be there for her, as much as for your GC and your son. It's great if the 2 of you get on well.

Starlady Tue 04-Jun-19 14:57:32

Rereading the OP, this jumped out at me:

"Arrangements are often cancelled at the last minute with an alternative that is then not followed up /forgotten."

I can forgive infrequent contact (people are busy, maybe not as interested in contact as often as I am, etc.). But frequently canceling appointments and ignoring the alternative seems very rude to me, But it also gives me pause. I would be wondering if our relationship were strained for some reason. Are there any unresolved issues between you/his father and DS? If so, he may have put them aside for a while, after GD was born, but that doesn't mean he has forgotten them.

"The thing that worries me most is he has often become distant like this when he has problems in a relationship particularly with money and his girlfriend at the time. "

I totally understand your worrying about this. I would, too. Above, I said it was all the more reason to let him know you're there for him. But at the same time, it's all the more reason to give him space and be patient.

Please realize it could just be that he needs time to adjust to his new role. It would be great (maybe) if he told you this, but he doesn't sound the type to confide in his parents. Again, please be patient. Also, I suggest focusing on other aspects of your life (friends, hobbies, etc.)

Nannageddon Sat 08-Jun-19 11:53:01

Thanks all. Tried more messages this week and they were answered. Arranging a tea at mine this week. I start a new job Monday in the nhs so that should take my mind off this.
Glad to see im not alone

whywhywhy Sat 08-Jun-19 12:00:55

I know exactly what you are going through and congratulations on your GD. I ring and text and sometimes (often) I dont get a reply. I keep on trying but if I want to go and see them then I also send a text to my DIL. She doesnt always answer either but I am like a dog with a bone and just wont let go until I get an "appointment"! Yes appointment because that is how I look on it. My GS is 13 and my GD is 10 and it has always been this way. Keep trying! We grand parents cannot give up. Take care.x

Starlady Sat 08-Jun-19 15:18:13

But does "not giving up" mean constant calling and texting? When I was a young wife and mum, that would have totally turned me off. Ladies, what's wrong w/ waiting for an invitation?