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Grandparenting

Feeling not wanted 😓

(22 Posts)
Glama Sun 01-Sep-19 20:30:24

My daughter and granddaughter have lived with me since they were born. The oldest is close to me , being I care for her while her mom is at work . Most times I do all the playing with them cause my daughter doesn’t really enjoy outdoor activities. My daughter and the kids moved out a few days ago. Now my granddaughter who loved spending time with me , won’t even give me a hug. She doesn’t want to stay at my house or even speak with me, all in a period of 48 hours. I know it’s ok, even thou I’m dying inside. I just can’t stop being miserable and don’t understand this drastic change

Tartlet Sun 01-Sep-19 20:46:32

Please don’t be upset Glama. I’m sure it’s just the excitement and novelty of the move that’s upsetting the equilibrium and I’m sure you’ll be getting the hugs and spending time with them again soon.

I don’t think the bond you’ve clearly built up with them is so easily and quickly broken.

paddyann Sun 01-Sep-19 20:47:18

its just a massive change and it will take her time to get used to it ,its not thats she's gone off you,shes angry and sad that se's not in the place she knows and loves an dwith the person she loves too.Give her time but make sure she knows just because she doesn't live with you deosn't mean you stopped loving her .

MissAdventure Sun 01-Sep-19 20:50:34

It must be a huge adjustment for a child, probably quite confusing, and she may be cross at the moment.

She'll come round.

jacq10 Sun 01-Sep-19 20:59:13

Good advice from paddyann. Can I ask Glama why they moved out?

crazyH Sun 01-Sep-19 21:07:28

Kids are like that, I'm afraid. One minute you're flavour of the month, next, they dont even acknowledge you. But, they still love you. Went away with my son and his family for a couple of days. Four year old grandson couldn't wait to share my bed. In the middle of the night, started saying, Nan, I'm scared. I held him tight and tried to reassure him. D.i.l. must have heard it, so she came to the room .... he shot out of bed and ran to his mum and he was happy as Larry. He wanted his mummy and daddy...that's all.

wildswan16 Sun 01-Sep-19 21:19:03

Give the little girl time to get used to the new arrangements. She is certainly confused about moving home and has a lot to get used to.

Be your usual self with her and you will soon be back to your previous relationship.

FunOma Sun 01-Sep-19 21:24:36

I wonder if perhaps she is guarding her emotions that way. I would give it a bit of time until things have settled and see if you can re-establish time with her. You could send her a card with an invite for something special to do together.

I know what agony this must be for you. Have cared for our grandson since he was 18 months old (almost 9 now) while parents worked. His mom (ex-DIL) is emotionally distant (our grandson was not planned and his mom was only 19) and I feel I have become a surrogate mom with whom he can find closeness and hugs.

I enjoyed taking him to school on days his mom dropped him off at our house, but she's going to take him now, so I will miss the boy very much. Will make sure to still have him visit during the week he is with his dad and stepmom, but I sobbed privately, dealing with the sudden change, and the prospect of less time with him.

BradfordLass72 Mon 02-Sep-19 02:26:39

Your little grand-daughter is grieving and feeling utterly powerless.
I wasn't her decision to move and she's had to go along with something she disagrees with and cannot change.
No wonder she is trying to distance herself emotionally, who wouldn't?

Strangely enough, I saw the same thing when I was a prison visitor. Newly incarcerated men (and women too I guess) withdraw and grieve for the freedom they've lost.

Eventually things even out, the new situation is accepted and everyone gets back to making the best of it.

Your family will too. flowers

Sara65 Mon 02-Sep-19 07:10:02

Glama

This must be so hurtful for you.

But I’m sure it’s more about her, and the changes in her life, than about you,

You don’t say why they moved out, could she possibly think you could have prevented it? Or in some way instigated it?
Maybe you need a chat with her, explain that you still love her as much as you always have.

BlueBelle Mon 02-Sep-19 08:57:22

However hard it is you have to look at it from her eyes not yours
A few questions
Did she know they were moving was she involved in the move?
Was the move explained to her or did it come as a shock ?
How far away have they gone will you still be asked to ‘babysit’ etc ?
Posters above are right she’s got to adjust to a big upheaval moving is one of the biggest causes of stress and depression in adults
She’s perhaps in her little way ‘punishing’ you for pushing her out (I know you didn’t but could it look like that to her)
Obviously she has siblings as you say daughter and kidS what’s the others reactions? Are you not as close with them and why don’t you say anything about being upset they have gone why only the eldest?

Reddevil3 Mon 02-Sep-19 11:39:15

I moved to the South of France 3 years ago. I love living here.
I welcome friends and family to stay in this beautiful part of the world.
My adult gd is here at the moment and we do nothing but argue. She has absolutely no respect for me (or her mother for that matter) and I find it difficult to have her in my house. I have tried to organise things she might like to do, but nothing is good enough. Whenever she deigns to speak to me, she is condescending and keeps reminding me of my great age (mid seventies but fit and active) Sometimes I feel like hitting her but I’m not a violent person and resent being made to feel like this.
I’m not sure how to handle the situation as I’m terrified of hurting her mother whom I love dearly. I fear this will be repeated every summer. Help!

NannyG123 Mon 02-Sep-19 12:07:35

I know how you feel Glama, my daughter and gcs live just down the road,and I did all the childcare whilst both parents at work,now both gs are 12&15, They don't need childcarewhich I understand. My daughter who is a teacher went back to work last week,so I text youngest granddaughter,would you like to come down for lunch, her reply about an hour later, was" no thanks". Although I was upset at the time, I understood, and got busy doing something else.

annemac101 Mon 02-Sep-19 12:51:36

I can understand how upset you feel it must be awful. Can you ask her mum to speak with her about why she 's not the same with you? Maybe she didn't want to move away and is blaming you in a way. I don't think it should be left unsaid as she might be worrying about it. I think any kind of mood change in children should not be ignored but addressed. Maybe it's something as simple as you explaining why they had to move and your house will always be hers too. Hope it goes well.

pinkquartz Mon 02-Sep-19 14:26:00

Is it possible she thinks you pushed them out?
Could she be feeling rejected?

Just give her lots of love and perhaps a gift, say it is for her new home, but also something personal to her.

I think she needs reassurance that you still love her.

123kitty Mon 02-Sep-19 14:48:02

How ever wonderful we are as grandparents, nobody is more loved than their parent (and that's how it should be). Maybe your GD hadn't realised it was just a visit and was worried that she was going to be living with you again and not her mummy, it's often difficult for young children to articulate their feelings. My GD loves playing with me, she often says how happy she is, but the minute her mummy comes to pick her up GD's ready to go - often having to be told to say goodbye. It's tough being a granny (but worth it).

grandtanteJE65 Mon 02-Sep-19 16:29:22

Did your granddaughter want to move? It sounds from what you say as if she must be missing you terribly, living with a mother who doesn't bother to play with her, which you did.

I do know her mother has work and lots of other grown-up stuff to see to, but your granddaughter probably doesn't.

I imagine she is wondering what is going on, feeling that you don't want her any more, but she might just be so thrilled with her new home that she hasn't time for anyone or anything else.

If things don't sort themselves out in the course of a month or so, you could ask your daughter if she knows what the change is all about.

Merryweather Mon 02-Sep-19 19:51:29

I lived with my grandma for years as a child, her home always will be my home. I loved her dearly and was closer to her than my own mother. Like you are with your gd.

I hated moving away from her and begged her to move with us.

Grandma's are treasured. She's probably frightened, sad,confused, not sure when she will see you again, wondering what she did wrong.

Can you pop over and see her? Tell her that you love her and even though you can't see her as much she's always with you on your heart and a little bit of you is there in hers.
She sounds like a wonderful child.

M0nica Mon 02-Sep-19 20:31:15

Your DGD may not fully understand why she has had to move out of your house. She could be interpreting it as that you sent them away, in which case her behaviour is understandable

What has your DD told the children about the move and where have they gone and why. All these could feed into your DGD completely misunderstanding what is happening at the moment

Jacks1 Tue 03-Sep-19 07:56:51

It's an exciting time but I can assure you that they will be over to see you when the novelty of them living in a new home on their own will wear off. Enjoy some me time for yourself while u can. The bond u have with GD wont ever go away.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 03-Sep-19 15:45:00

I agree with sara65

Farmor15 Tue 03-Sep-19 17:50:12

Reddevil - it might be worth starting your own thread, where you would get more replies relevant to your situation. It sounds very difficult - how old is gd? Did she want to come? Maybe next time get her Eurail pass and send her off travelling!