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Grandparenting

Christmas plans

(16 Posts)
Semiruralgirl Tue 08-Oct-19 03:32:43

I have a dilemma and it’s causing me sleepless nights. My DH and I have our 2 respective grown up families. Most of the time everything is fine. He has 3 children with families, I have 2 children, one with a family. Problem is this year’s Christmas plans. He has one son and family abroad, 2 others here. In the summer, the whole of July is taken up with DH’s family - the son abroad coming back to U.K. and usually visiting and staying with us for a week. Their birthdays are all that month, and what with meeting up with the others and general coming and goings, the whole of July is a bit of a hubbub. That is ok, I’m used to it now, and in a way I mentally set that month aside for all that activity (but I’m relieved when it is over!). I don’t see my DD and DS that often, they live a fair distance away, and both have busy jobs and lives.

Usually we see my DD at Christmas itself, she and her husband come for a couple of nights, or we may go to them for a couple of nights., but this year they are doing something different. We usually see my DS also very briefly, but we have never spent Christmas with him as he always, when he was married, was with his family and wife’s family or more recently with a girlfriend but as it happens this year will be alone. At Christmas, DH’s abroad son always comes back to UK and has always in the past spent most of the time at his parents- in-law. We usually see DH’s other sons only briefly over the Christmas period as they tend to be tied up with their in-laws. My problem is this year, the abroad son has said they are coming to spend Christmas with us for a week.

I desperately want to spend some time with my children and grandchildren (I’d be happy with just a couple of days). I don’t object to DH’s abroad son and family staying with us, but a week is a long time at that time of year, I already feel monopolised. Of course my DH is thrilled, and is already organising a big family party with all his sons and wives etc and his sister and her partner. DH wouldn’t mind if my 2 + partners wanted to come along too, but they wouldn’t want to, even though they all get on ok. And anyway our house isn’t big enough. I want so much to see my children at that time, and feel I am going to be swamped by all DH’s family. DH and I are talking about it, and I don’t want to spoil DH’s enjoyment, but I alternately feel I am being a bit mean but I am, in truth, becoming resentful. Not sure what to do about it all. Can’t sleep.

BradfordLass72 Tue 08-Oct-19 05:39:56

If DH's sons are coming for a week, then some of that time you can bunk off and spend with your children. I imagine it'll be full house!!

I hope you're not thinking you have to be there to cook, clean and supervise? They are all adults and can do all that for themselves. Let them.

It might be very valuable indeed for DH to have his tribe around him alone - but you only need to spend a short time in the chaos party house smile

Arrange to greet the guests and help them settle in but then get away to your own little family as soon as possible.

When Dad and sons get together, I imagine there'll be so much reminsicing and chatter; you'd be swamped by it all.

And dates don't matter. Last year, we had Christmas Day on 24th because dil wanted to spend the 25th with her sister, in a distant city.
We had a great time; I had Xmas Day alone (bliss after a full on 24th) -everyone more than happy.

crystaltipps Tue 08-Oct-19 05:59:58

But you said your DD wasn’t staying this year and you usually don’t see your DS at Christmas, so I can’t see that you’d be seeing less of them because of your DSS and his family are staying, can’t you meet up with your AC some other time? Or do you just resent all the “hosting” you are having to do, as that can be hard work with all the cooking, cleaning shopping etc. Does your DH share the chores associated with his guests? If not, you should insist he steps up to the plate.

Sara65 Tue 08-Oct-19 07:08:07

I always find with this kind of thing, that you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it! But having said that, a week can be a very long time.

I’m sure it’s lovely for your husband to have all his family around, but I can’t help feeling he’s being a bit unfair to you, why can’t the son from abroad spend some time with his brothers? And however well you get on with them all, they aren’t your family, and you’re bound to get bored with their reminiscing about people you’ve never heard of.

I don’t know what I can offer in the way of advice, it seems like a done deal, but as Bradfordlass said, you’re not there to wait on them hand and foot, let them look after themselves a bit!

Good luck.

Nansnet Tue 08-Oct-19 07:36:10

I think you're OK with the fact that you'll be spending Christmas day with your DHs son/family from abroad, as your own DD/family, who you normally spend Christmas with, have made alternative plans this year. You say that your DS will be alone this year ... could you not invite him over to join you for Christmas day, or would he simply not want to join you with your DHs family?
I can understand that, even though you're not getting together with your DD for Christmas day, you will still want to spend some time with your DD and her family over the Christmas period. You say that you are talking to your husband about this, and you don't want to ruin his enjoyment, but by the same token, it's not all just about his family. Could you not simply explain to him that whilst you're happy for his son & family to stay with you over Christmas, you really want to be able to spend some time seeing your own family too, without it being a massive joint family affair. Could you not arrange a day for a get-together with them during the Christmas holiday, and let your DHs son & family do their own thing for a day? You can always tell them it was pre-planned as you won't be able to spend Christmas with your own daughter & family this year ...

Febmummaofaboy Mon 21-Oct-19 15:32:25

You say usually your daughter comes up every Christmas and stays a few nights but this year she is doing something different and your stepchild wants to stay for a week.

You cannot expect your husband to be happy for your daughter to stay over for 3 days every Christmas but then not make the effort with his son who lives abroad for one Christmas.

I doubt he expects you to stay home the full 7 days and would understand you visiting your biological children (although you previously stated they are doing something new).

kittylester Tue 03-Dec-19 06:32:13

Reported

endlessstrife Thu 05-Dec-19 10:05:57

You said your daughter is doing something different this year, and your son will be on his own. Is that right? Could you arrange to see your son, perhaps for an overnight stay, so two days, in the week your husband’s family are over? Does your son have his own place where he could accommodate you? Perhaps you don’t want to leave your house with all those people in it. I wouldn’t blame you. Do they have to stay with you? Could your stepson from abroad stay with his brothers, at least for some of the time? I’m not surprised you’re stressed, it’s a lot of people to cater for, for a whole week, and my experience of everyone mucking in just doesn’t work! I think you need to discuss this with your husband. I appreciate he’s excited, but you’re obviously not, and that’s not fair. Good luck with it all🤔.

Urmstongran Thu 05-Dec-19 10:51:50

What am I missing here kitty? It’s an October thread and it appears you have pulled it up to report it.

I’m puzzled!

kittylester Thu 05-Dec-19 18:04:33

And me urmston. confused I'm sure I didnt do that!

endlessstrife Thu 05-Dec-19 18:29:08

Oh yes, I didn’t notice it was written in October.

Gonegirl Thu 05-Dec-19 20:24:09

What do you mean Kitty? Did you not really report something? confused

Gonegirl Thu 05-Dec-19 20:25:55

There wasn't anything to report was there?

Madgran77 Thu 05-Dec-19 20:36:09

You dont need to be there the whole time they are visiting do you? Go off and have a bit of time with your family for part of gge visit would be my suggestion

Patsy70 Thu 05-Dec-19 21:22:16

confused

Starlady Sat 07-Dec-19 21:43:35

Ok, since this was posted in October, I hope things have been resolved by now, Semiruralgirl. What has been decided?

IMO, your SS (stepson) was a little out-of-line to just tell you and DH that he and his family are coming to spend Xmas with you for a week. They have a right to come home to the UK whenever they wish, of course, but they should have asked you and DH if they could stay w/ you or if it would be better if they found their own accommodations nearby. But what's done is done, I suppose.

I'm glad that DH is discussing it w/ you and didn't just say, "Great! We'd love to have you!" I just hope he let SS know that he had to talk it over w/ you before making definite plans.

I realize he's excited to see his DS (dear son) and family at Xmas, but since you're involved w/ them for the whole month of July, IMO, DH should understand that you might not want to host them for a whole week at Xmastime, as well.

Regardless, I agree w/ those who say you should spend at least part of that time away from your home w/ your own DS. etc. It's understandable that DH is eager to have his son there at Xmas, but then, let him be ready and willing to do the hosting. This visit may well set a precedent for the future, so, IMO, you need DH, SS, and family to see that you won't be at their beck and call at this time of year as you are in July.

But chances are, the decisions have already been made. So please let us know what's happening...