Daughter-in-law issues

Hi, I'm a daughter-in-law. No way would I want a picture of my inlaws in my bedroom. Plus, people have different tastes. They may not like the picture style, the frame or they may not want to buy several frames. They may have the exact number of pictures up that they want. I.wouldnt worry about this, honestly. A person can put what they want in their home. If your son actually wanted it up, he would have pushed for it. I don't have even one photo on my walls. I prefer art. Paintings.

You should maybe ask them if they need an item for their home...like a painting... my aunt painted me one and all.i ever do.is look at it and I think.of her. But I don't want her face in my bedroom. I love her...but no.

Your picture was probably just put in an album or a drawer. And that's okay too.

The OP didm not get them a photo for the parents bedroom, it was for the grandchildren's bedroom!!

OP ...what seemed like a good idea hasn't worked for whatever reason. If I were you I would have a chat with your son/the parents about good ways to keep in regular contact that works for everyone. And please don't feel a "failure" because of some OTT responses on here. What you did was well meant and hardly a hanging offence!!

MovingOn the photos were for the grandchildrens bedrooms!!

To follow up you could turn this to your advantage. Why not make a joke of it and say something like ‘I don’t know what I was thinking suggesting you put our ugly mugs in your bedroom! I wouldn’t have wanted my MiL’s watching me in bed. Put it down to a senior moment. Put it on the front door at Halloween instead to scare the Trick or Treaters!’

Heavens! I can just imagine my son’s face if I presented him with a photograph of us and tell him it’s to go in his bedroom.

Would I hang a photo of my late MiL there? No way!

I can understand why you feel hurt at the fact that there are photos of your DiL's parents in the house, but none of you, as you probably feel that this is a bit of slight on you.

My son and DiL do have the odd photo of us, and DiL's parents in their home. Although, generally, DiL takes lots of photos of GC with her parents when they visit, but rarely takes photos with us, and my son isn't one who bothers to take photos unless I ask him! Usually, it's down to myself and my husband to take our own photos with our GC when we visit, so that we have lots of memories, and there will be plenty of photos of us with our GC if they want any memories of us in years to come.

Personally, I've never had photos around the house of my own parents, or my in-laws, so I wouldn't automatically expect my son and his wife to have any of us.

As long distance grandparents ourselves, I think the best suggestions for your GC to remember you, and to engage with you, is to skype/facetime regularly ... although, don't be offended if all you get is a 2 second smile and a wave, as they really do have more interesting things to be doing, rather than talking their GPs! Sending the odd little gift/toy/book, along with a message/photo in a card, will no doubt earn you a few points too. And whenever you do get chance to visit, shower them with love, and fun times. As they get older, they will no doubt look forward to your visits with excitement.

I don't know what your issues are with your DiL, or why you don't get along, but for sake of your relationship with your grandchildren, I'd suggest you bit your tongue, put a smile on your face, and try your hardest to be pleasant to her. It's a small price to pay ...

I know my ex DinL would never have wanted a photo of me in their house.

One bit of advice which I hope might help you. I have remained pleasant to the Ex throughout and have not let her provoke me. In fact I have acted a blinder for one reason only, so that she never keeps the children from me. It has worked and now the children are with her 50% of the time I can text her about their needs and speak to her normally when she brings them back to their Dad’s.

I should get an Oscar for my acting.?

I suppose if the photo was on the mantlepiece it would keep the children away from the fire.

Some people just try too hard and it tends to push people away rather than draw them closer.

Many on here didn't think the photo was a good idea but their feedback was meant to be kindly. Ignore the few who jump right in with antagonistic language or who make automatic negative assumptions. Unfortunately it seems to be the rule on here rather than the exception. If you can do that, you'll find many useful suggestions and kindhearted support on these threads.

Giving pictures or photo albums won't help solve the problem, it will make it worse

May I ask why you do not get along with dil?
Was always the relationship cold from the beginning?
What has been said/done to make you feel a fracture in the family?
Where does your son stand?
Why doesn't he put pictures of his side of the family up?
Where did you get that tip from?

Is this a wind up post? If not then something is really wrong with you. Why would you want your picture in their bedroom? And hoe many times did you stress this point in your post? It's not your house and you have no right to even request for your pictures to be in their house especially in their bedroom. Good grief whats wrong with some of us grandparents today? Can't imagine your being intimate with my significant other with MILs picture in my bedroom of all places. Are you getting any counseling? You need some profesional help if this is not a wind up post.

Eglantine has a good point I feel.
i.e. I've gone off on a trip in my head about something thought my daughter would really like - put a lot of effort into it, and then realised that didn't appeal to her at all and what I was doing was more about me than about her...

If, as Eglantine says we can get over that somehow and move on...best to listen to where they are rather than where we might think they are...

I think you are brave for posting on here.

I can only offer something that happened with my own Mother in Law when my babes was small (under five). MIL now passed away, sadly.

MIL was really, really tactful with me as a mother.

When birthdays and/or Christmas came around she would phone me and ask me what she should get for a present. She always had a few ideas and she used to phrase it like 'what do you need at the moment'. For example she might gently suggest something we didn't have for example a lego set.

It was a great skill and she managed to do it without being patronising or interfering with our lives. Not an easy thing to do but that approach might be adapted for other things...

It kind of recognises the importance of the mother and her skills and supports that...

good luck with it.
painting

I wouldn't do a photo album either. I don't know many people who look at them daily/weekly? Your son would have to sit down with them and talk about you?

Could you do FaceTime? Phone calls? Postcards? Send books in the post? Something that the kids will like and enjoy? They will remember the fun stuff not Dad getting out a photo album every so often, if at all.

Ah well, we all have good ideas that misfire? It’ll only be a problem if you let it make you feel bad. I’m sure the photos are there -under a pile of something else. For you, it was an expression of your love and for them it was just a photo. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, just that they don’t need a photo.

I remember spending ages one Christmas making up little stockings of things I thought they would love for when they came to stay. Then they went home two days later and left all the stuff behind!

I am sorry if you feel you received “put-downs” - sometimes advice from one person isn’t the right one for you.
I don’t know if I missed your reply to my question about how far away you mean by “long distance” or your view of my suggestions in my post of 12.40 yesterday.

GrammaBip - there does seem to be a consensus that the photos were not the best way to go; but that does not mean that people are not sympathetic and hoping you can find a way forward that works.

Maybe just send things that they will have some fun with?

It is a hard road trying to get one's head round the fact that we are no longer central to our children's lives - we spend so long being the lynch pin in our families and devoting ourselves to their upbringing that this sense of being sidelined is a challenge.

Or just buy them gifts based on the recipients interests, rather than your own!

Might go down better and create better relations for the future!

Wow I guess I got put in my place. I was just following a suggestion that seemed to be a good idea at the time. I was surprised at the response I received. I thought “cheeky” was a little harsh. I had thought of the photo album and probably will go that route. Thanks for all the comments.

My GC in this country have photos of their other grandparents in their bedrooms plus several of them around the house. There are none of us. When we visited our other GC abroad, we found several photos of my dil’s family around the house but none of us. In contrast, my DD has photos of us and the other grandparents in equal measure in the house in case she upsets her own mil!

There will be a way through this OP - it is not always easy to feel an instant affinity with the people our children choose for their partners; but we just have to accept them as they are.

I think you need to try and put aside your negative feelings and concentrate on positive ways that you can do things for the GC that have their happiness at heart. People upthread have made lots of lovely suggestions - I hope that they will help.

I'd forget the picture thing.
You gave orders to your DIL (but not your son) through her children.
You didn't ask her, or talk to her but your quick to blame her.

It's odd to have pictures of grandparents in your kids room.

Talk to your son about being more involved. Postcards, letters, cards, FaceTime etc.

Sounds like you have a lot of issues with your Dil. If you want to have a better relationship then it might be worth considering trying to understand her and accept that this is the woman your son married and the mother of your grandchildren. While it may not be ideal, it's a way of ensuring that things get better. As you may have gathered the consensus is that framed photos of you are overstepping the mark, even with good intentions. Maybe you need to take a step back and accept things as they are?

I write to the grandchildren every few weeks and put a recent photo of us at the top of the letter so that they can see which grandparents are addressing them. With a simple gift or a little cash it is a personal way of staying in touch and reminding them of how we look - just in case our ageing faces alarm them when we next meet!

I don’t think the OP should have said the pictures were for the childrens bedrooms, but she did say there were no pictures of them up in the house, but there were ones of DIL’s family. So it sounds like she puts the photos up, not DS. Often the case that one side of the family is treated differently to the other.

Maybe they are pictures of shared memories/time spent together, rather than portraits like the OP sent. So they actually mean something IYKWIM.