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I want a good relationship with my MIL.

(11 Posts)
CharRVT88 Sat 02-Nov-19 03:16:32

I have known my husband and his family for 13 years. My husband and I got married 6 years ago. My In-laws are good people and mean well but they can be overbearing at times since I have had my son, their first grandchild. My husband and I have tried to talk to them in a genuine manner but they are just not getting it. I have different issues with both my MIL and FIL. I deal with my MIL more so my relationship with her affects me more. Neither of them really wanted a relationship with me until I had my son. Now my MIL wants to go on MIL-DIL dates which is a nice idea and as a new mom that works I have even less time. She expects me to be able to go out at least once a month along with seeing them as a family at least once a week or so. It is just a lot. I feel this is a lot and very forced. I could go on about the things they have done that are overbearing, pushy and rude as well as the things they do that annoy me but I don't think that will help. I want my In-laws around and involved but not overbearing and rude. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents and I want the same for my kids.
I just would like to know what you as a MIL would like from your DIL. I would like to go to lunch with her and try to talk to her again but I am not sure if it would work.

Lyndiloo Sat 02-Nov-19 03:43:50

I don't see the need for you to go out on a 'date' with your MIL, and I wouldn't be getting into that. You say that you work, and that leaves little time for you to be available. And what little time you have, you will want to spend with your own family.

Of course they will want to see their grandson, so make time when they can visit you, or you go to them, for an hour or so.

I'm sure that you could build up a good relationship with them, as you say they are 'good people'.

Okay, they have been overbearing, pushy and rude in the past. Try to forget that. Start from now.

Good luck!

BradfordLass72 Sat 02-Nov-19 06:11:38

People get set in their ways and the 'overbearingness' may be partly a desperate need to be involved with the grand-child and, I suspect, partly loneliness.

Some times the knowledge that your adult child is now in a family of his (or her) own, quite separate from yours, is hard to accept. The fact that you include her says a lot for you flowers

She needs to know that you and your son need a lot of time alone, to grow and learn and nurture one another - as does Daddy.

Those first, early years are so wonderful and go so quickly, you need to value every moment. At no other time in a child's life does it change so much as in those first 5 years.

How about a calendar on which you write your schedules? You don't need to make any excuses if you simply want a day in the park, or afternoon napping with your son - just let her know what dates you can welcome her, or manage coffee out.
And if you don't feel up to it on the day, she has to accept that - dealing with a small child is exhausting.

She has probably forgotten just how much effort it takes even to arrange a simply lunch date with a small child - plus all the baggage you have to take with you! grin

If being firm about having necessary time to bond with your son and not feel obliged to please her all the time, doesn't work, then your husband has to have more than a firm word with them both.

Perhaps suggesting she does more with her own life which doesn't involve your family - such as joining interest groups or volunteering.

I think you've been very kind so far but the ground rules need to be laid now - and honoured.

Loislovesstewie Sat 02-Nov-19 06:27:07

How does your husband feel about the situation? Does he speak to his mother about it? If he hasn't then I would suggest that a good place to start would mean him having 'the talk' with his mother pointing out that you work and need time to yourself ( probably for your own sanity!) . I agree with BradfordLass72 , write down exactly what you do every week/month. Ensure that she sees that you are busy and have little free time, tell her that you will call her to have coffee/whatever you feel up to but make it plain that sometimes other things might get in the way. Good luck!

Nansnet Sat 02-Nov-19 06:54:59

As a MiL, who has a very good relationship with my DiL, I still wouldn't expect to be having MiL-DiL dates. When we get together, it's usually with my son, and his dad. If you're feeling that these 'dates' are forced, then you're obviously not enjoying them, so I'd decline any future arrangements she tries to make with you, and simply tell her you're too busy.

However, I don't think that wanting to see her GC once a week is excessive. But I wouldn't get into the habit of having a regular day for this, as sometimes you and your husband might want to make other plans. I made that mistake when I had my own kids, and my in-laws expected us to visit every Sunday, so we ended up never having a proper weekend to ourselves, and unable to plan different things, as they were disappointed/annoyed if we told them we couldn't visit ...

How often do your own parents (if they are around) see their GC? Maybe your in-laws are worried that if they don't make arrangements to visit you, they won't get to see their GC very often ...?

As new GPs, I can understand that they want to see their GC as often as possible, but you may find that the novelty eventually wears off a bit as time passes. And as your son gets older, you may want to make full use of them as babysitters, and they will be quite content with that.

As new parents, and new grandparents, it's all new ground for you and them, but you will eventually get into routines, and things will settle down. Just try to start as you mean to go on, and good luck!

Melanie61 Sat 02-Nov-19 06:55:02

You say that you want a good relationship with your in laws and that you want your child to have the same with their grandparents.

Perhaps she found a relationship with you not easy and now you have a child it makes it easier and more relaxed?

I see that you are busy but 2 or 3 hours to have lunch with your mum in law is not that much time out of your month?
How else are you to make these close bonds if not with contact?

She is maybe trying her best to be friends by spending time with you.

Baggs Sat 02-Nov-19 07:04:37

I don't think mothers-in-law, oe even mothers, come to that, have any right to expect anything from their daughters-in-law, nor from their own offspring.

If you find your inlaws overbearing it is possibly because they are overbearing. Some people are.

Seeing your inlaws "as a family" at least once a week or so sounds like plenty to me. Possibly even too much, depending on how it pans out, who else is involved, etc. I say that as someone who loved and admired my mother-in-law. I think she would have found it too much as well but then she was never pushy or overbearing.

MovingOn2018 Sat 02-Nov-19 15:24:54

Help her change her expectations. Once a week visit for a new working mom is a lot. Selfish to say the least. The expectation of dates with her is also wierd. Especially if she gas treated you poorly on the past prior to the birth of her grandchild. Thid means that she still is manipulating and controling your time in an effort to see your child at her will. Wheres your husband in all of this? Just remmeber that "no" is a complete sentence that requires no elaboration. Live your life for you and not for her. I had a wonderful rrlationship with my grandparents and loved them very dearly despite not seeing them once a week. Your MIL needs a hobby and time to rediscover and enjoy her marriage with her husband.

Daisymae Sat 02-Nov-19 15:41:03

As a mil I would not want my Dil to feel that they were under any obligation to see me on a regular basis, especially with all the pressures that people are under. Maybe see her on your or her birthday? But apart from that they will need to fit in with what suits your family and commitments. No need to be rude, just say you can't make a regular date and leave it at that. Once a week is excessive if you find it so. You need to make your own routines and they will need to adapt.

BBbevan Sat 02-Nov-19 19:35:49

I would really like my DiL to phone me just for a chat. My DS does often and then, I suppose relays things to her. I have phoned her now and then and we do have a good relationship. But, just once Iwould like her to phone me

Tedber Sun 03-Nov-19 10:23:44

Is your husband an only child? Does sound like your MIL is relying on you guys for all her social activities?

As others say nip it in bud now. You be the one to make plans. I feel it is more important for you and hubby to have “Date days/nights”. Ask her to babysit while you do. You can have coffee/cake/wine with her before you go/when you come back and chat about your day?

You can plan when you see your in-laws without making them feel unloved. They need to respect the fact that your life is not theirs.

It may be difficult to become assertive if you are not naturally assertive but it is well worth it. If you let things lie you will just become disgruntled and resentful. Take the first steps today. Say something like

“hi I know we’ve arranged next Wednesday. We are busy that day can you make Friday instead? Oh you can’t, never mind how about next Tuesday?”

See what am getting at?
One thing though - her son HAS to be in total agreement with you. If he isn’t then you will continue to have problems.

Good luck you sound like a loving family and am sure you will get round this.