How to handle MIL and my baby... advice from other Gran's needed

Mad gran,
* there is no harm in trying to see something from another’s perspective *
How long do you wait? We tried for 25 years, and finally gave up when our older sons noticed so much animosity. It will not go unnoticed by the children, and it’s not fair on them. It sounds to me that the OP has been more than reasonable for far to long.

rockandroll She has your son and your grandchild??!! They don’t belong to her for goodness sake.
I would say to OP, stand firm. Calm positive, assertive energy and repeat to her what you want to do. Also partner definitely needs to do the same. Good luck!

Enjoy your first family Christmas together, there will be future Christmas you'll be asking for family help to share chores. If MIL is already hosting a big get together you can't expect her to leave the preparations to visit you on that day. It's her Christmas too.
Try and visit them before or after the holiday, when she isn't working & there aren't lots of relatives around who want to meet & cuddle baby.

So many of the posts just seem to be about making allowances for the grandparents. Absolutely not! The CHILDREN come first, always, and you do whatever you have to, to make sure they are safe and happy, and not surrounded by people griping at each other. Your 13 week old baby is so vulnerable and needs you for everything. Follow your instincts always, they’ll always be right

I agree about follow your instincts

But one can do that whilst still having empathy for another's perspective which is what I think other posters are suggesting
There is no harm in trying to see things from another's perspective in order to see a way through a problem, and hopefully reach a compromise that works for everyone

I think a lot of MILs behaviour as described by the OP is decidedly unhelpful...but equally, other perspectives on that behaviour bring a different angle and assist a level of understanding ...which might help the OP to find a comfortable solution .

Open presents with a 4 month old? Does the woman not have any sense. Your DC will have no idea at all. MiL sounds a nightmare. Your DH needs to have a frank talk with her about how she behaves with the baby.

You are a new mother and Mil is a new Grandma, give it time, I feel things will settle. Do try not to fall out with her, if you offer a time it would suit you for her to visit and she sulks just let her get on with it. As for Christmas Day, if you and your OH want to stay at home just do it but try to fit in a time to open presents. Does she pick up your baby without asking if she may hold him, if so, that is definitely out of order.

Some of these MiLs are making me shudder. I am glad mine wasn't an ogre. Does she have a husband? Is there a Grandpa?
Your DH can help you navigate the early stages with his DM, surely.

I think you need to be assertive. Try not to take offence. I'm sure she means well.

Now I'm worried that my DiLs are frightened of me!
I don't think so, but there have been times when I weighed in with my advice. Only if asked for of course. In our case it's the DD not the DiLs who can wrong foot us and I once asked her if she spoke to her MiL the way she does to me. "Of course not!" came the reply. Should I have been flattered? She's assertive all right.

As a new DG your MiL is still learning and you both have to learn on the job.
Good luck to you and I hope you all have a happy Christmas.

You sound a sensible young mother and a considerate person, and between you, me and the gatepost, your mother-in-law is behaving like all the bad joke mothers-in-law anyone has ever heard of.

Firstly, IMO you are quite right wanting to stay at home at Christmas with so young a baby, and honestly if MIL isn't content with being invited on Christmas morning to open presents she can lump it.

Sit down with your husband and tell him precisely what you have told us here, calmly and nicely. After all she is his mother and you don't want him flying to be defensive because he feels you are getting worked up about nothing.

It might help if he talked to her, and even if you have to, it ought to help that you can tell her that you and your husband are in agreement.

If she turns up just as you have put the little one down for a nap, close the door to his room firmly and insist she is quiet until he has fallen asleep. If she gets hoity-toity about it, ask her to leave and come back later when he is up again.

Going back to work when your son is eight months old should be fine. Ignore anything you are told she is saying behind your back. Ask the people who are telling you these things, not to - you have your hands full coping with MIL without them trying to make things worse.

Have you a FIL who I trust is more reasonable and could perhaps talk to his wife if asked to by your husband?

Ohmother
Oh please!
"Your MIL is surely a proud granny." What? A proud granny that won't let a three month old baby sleep when he's tired but makes loud noises to wake him? A proud granny who says nasty things behind the mother's back? A woman who won't take any notice of what people say but wants her own way or she sulks? A woman who demands a family drop their plans to fit in with her wishes at short notice? Who criticises her DIL's feeding of her son?
This is a selfish, manipulative and uncaring woman who only thinks of herself. Her DIL would be better off never seeing her.

Jillybird. I agree but not sure about suggesting this MIL for child-care. Realise you said it tongue in cheek, but the woman terrifies me so much I'd not risk it even so! I wouldn't let her look after even a cactus.

Kathy1959. Thanks Kathy, I meant to say I noticed your wisdom and understanding.
I do think it is important to support young mums. It's all very well to form a united Granny front and feel like telling the younger gen. what it's like to be a Granny, but I think people forget what it is like for a mum of a young baby! There's a tendency of the 'think of the Grandma' lobby to show no respect for the fact that the baby's mother knows what is best for her child and that the baby's needs come before the mil's! Indeed, the needs of the baby come 1st, then those of the baby's mother, then those of the new family unit of baby, mother and father and 4th are the needs of grandparents. I was horrified to read:
''if I try and put him down for a nap she'll be really loud and keep coming into the room''
What an insensitive, self-centred, nasty person she is!
This Granny/MIL is a selfish, uncaring woman who does not know her place in her son and DIL's home or even care about the needs of her GS. The poor young mum needs to keep her at a distance, a very big distance. She might do well to let her MIL read what BusterTank had to do to survive such a person!!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellie666
Oh Ellie! I know you said it was just your opinion, but please, can't you understand that working mothers make very good parents and children going to nursery or professional child carers do not suffer at all! One of my three daughters works and her sons went to the Child Carer before they were one, another of my daughters did not work and her children went to nursery from 2. Neither family's children have grown up to demonstrate any difference in their development or the way they behave or how happy they appear. My daughter who works has a vocation, a career that she worked very hard to gain and which she loves and she helps many people. The other daughter is a devoted mum and home-maker and has a large family and she does a lot of voluntary work in her community. My eldest worked part-time as she had a career too, when her son started school at 5. Her husband has a demanding job and is often away from home so she only works very short hours. I am immensely proud of them all.

I would not have wanted to leave my children with another person when they were little but I had a career then in Teaching and adored children so it makes sense that I wanted to be with my own. As it happened I did find job where I could both use my professional skills and look after my children but I was lucky to do that.
I imagine you are like me and would be broken hearted to leave your child even with a really good Carer! But I promise you, children are not damaged by this at all. They still see their mum a lot and the relationship has no reason to be damaged. They love the variety, meeting other children, the different (and often bigger!) toys. It also means that their mum can follow her vocation. It is important that women may be able to do this.

jefm
You appear not. to have noticed how this website works!
You say;
"As ever we are hearing 1 side of the story."
Does it need to be explained that this is a forum where a person - one person - writes in and starts a discussion, or asks advice, about a subject or an issue or a problem they have. One person. it isn't possible for the "other person" to write in with their side.

Therefore all we can possibly do is to take our fellow GNetter's words to heart and try and relate to them and write back with our thoughts or advice or sympathies or experiences etc.

It's ridiculous to say "We are only getting one side". Obviously we are! But it does not invalidate that person's experience!

BusterTank
Oh you poor lass! I am so sorry to hear that you had to suffer this! People can be so cruel as I know because I had a Grandma who hated my Dad and therefore hated me for resembling him. She was like your MIL and I know how they spoil things and are cruel. i am now 70 and cannot forgive people in my generation who are cruel to or have not and are not supporting their children and the younger generation in raising their children. It's a difficult world without having a nasty old woman being cruel to you! You have done the right thing in my humble op. I hope you are happy now and your children are all growing up to be strong and happy too!

Your MIL is surely a proud granny. Until you are a granny you don’t understand the strange yearning ‘pull’ that happens towards a grandchild.

Cut her some slack as she might be your best advocate some day. Quit thinking of her as the enemy; that takes a lot of energy and try to work with her. Your baby needs the relationship of extended family.

Would it be possible to do a 15 min video link to show the Christmas Day party goers the baby? That way granny can show others why she is so proud?

Yes Tillybelle, more or less what I said. So many of the posts just seem to be about making allowances for the grandparents. Absolutely not! The CHILDREN come first, always, and you do whatever you have to, to make sure they are safe and happy, and not surrounded by people griping at each other. Your 13 week old baby is so vulnerable and needs you for everything. Follow your instincts always, they’ll always be right

Lesim91. Sorry forgot to say - regarding returning to work when your son is 8months;
It is nobody else's business but yours and your husband's how you organise your family, work and child care. It is perfectly normal for a mum to return to work and 8 months is a reasonable age for a child to be in Nursery care while mum is at work. He will not suffer, indeed it will enhance your family life and be good for him too. This MIL is a trouble-maker who is probably jealous of you for marrying her son and having his child. She would probably criticise anything you did and going back to work is so easy to say nasty things about, especially by older women who had better financial circumstances and could stay at home and live on their husband's income.
But more women have careers today, whatever the family budget. A woman who has spent years training to become a professional is not going to want to throw those years away and she will benefit so many people by staying in her profession. Children are adaptable and professional child-careers do a very good job. Working mothers see their children a lot and know them just as well. There is no need to feel guilty and no need to justify why you are a working mum. There is absolutely no need to have to explain it to this horrible woman. She is out to make you unhappy. Don't let her. At most if she keeps talking negatively about your going back to work just say "You obviously are out of date and do not know or understand the benefits to the child of having a professional mother." If she says any more just repeat that. And repeat it again. Don't say anything else and certainly don't start explaining your personal situation and why you are going to return to work because she will just start to tear apart your life and gossip about you.

Good luck! When the time comes you probably will feel a big pull in your heart as you leave little one at nursery the first time, but that is natural. After a week both of you will be in the routine and both will be enjoying the advantages of having variety in your day. Lots of love, Elle x ??

Lesim91
I would stop trying to please her because she is not listening to you. Congratulations on your baby. Remember, you know him more than anyone can ever know him - even his father, and when you say he needs to rest and not be over-stimulated, you know that is right. No matter what their relationship or experience, other people need to back off and do as you say. This MIL is being selfish. Of course you want to be together for this Christmas. Naturally it will be far better for a small baby to be at home. Ignore whatever she says to others. If they listen to her they are not worth bothering about, but most likely they know her already and actually feel sorry for you.
Be confident in yourself. You know you are doing what is best for your baby. Do not let anyone interfere. Do not let her upset you, be firm and stick to your plans and don't keep trying to find ways to appease her. She will only make more problems and it will go on and on. Live your family life on your terms. Your husband should support you in this. He may have been used to being dominated by his mother and not realised she is unreasonable and selfish so you might need to be tactful and gentle in pointing out to him how she puts her wishes before what is best for her grandson.

Good Luck! Stay firm in your resolve. Make your plans, state your plans and stick to them. Do not be drawn into a conversation/argument about them. Just repeat them if she starts!

In the interests of diplomacy & goodwill, might your DH go to MiL’s to pick her up for a special Boxing Day meal. Ply her with good food, fine wine & plenty of baby cuddle time. Maybe have her stay for baby’s bath time & tucking in as routine, one last lots of mince pies & sherry & she is driven home. Gives her a day off from domestic duties & is treated as special guest Grandmother. Loads of lovely memories & photos, especially GM baby selfies.

Your MiL is not going away so you & DH will be better served by having her closer on your terms than grumbling at arms’ length. Think tents pissing out ...

Ellie666 if everyone who needed to work decided to remain childless, we'd be having to beg on our knees for 10 times as many people from overseas to come and work here in 20 years time!! This is unrealistic.

To be honest, I think Christmas is the least of your problems.

Even if you take that out of the situation you have a grown woman who sulks when she doesn't get her own way, bad mouths you to other family members and prevents your son from sleeping because she thinks she knows better than you.

Preventing a 13 week old baby from sleeping is spiteful and it's not what's best for the child.

It will only get worse if you/your husband doesn't pull her up on it.
No excuse for this kind of behaviour!

Your MiL sulks?
That's a very childish thing to do.
Ignore sulks, in the hope of training MiL to act like an adult.

MiL wants to see the baby on Xmas day, so you offered the short visit to yours hoping it would be a compromise.
As others said, a longer visit on another day would be better for everyone.

If MiL wants to visit at a time that doesn't suit you, ask her for other dates/times that she could come so you can choose from those rather than giving her a list of your available dates.
The outcome should be the same but it would feel more welcoming to her.

I can really understand you wanting to spend this first Christmas with your new baby and your MIL should understand this there are plenty of days prior to and after for her to see the baby and the baby will not know if it is shrove Tuesday or NYs day.
Just a thought what is your mum doing over the holidays is she demanding visiting rights or happy with the arrangements.
Your MIL working over Christmas is surely her choice as she has had plenty of time in the months previous to make arrangements to be off for the festivities I know I would have but then my family make their own arrangements and I never interfere with their choices.

My mil must have been unique. When each baby was born, she came and stayed and took over all the housework without any hint of criticism...my husband said it was worth having a baby, to get the house so tidy! This sometimes went too far...whenever I asked her for advice...is this room too hot?....should I feed her yet?....she would say she didn't know what was the modern approach.

My mother was a different kettle of fish!

I concur with other posters that your DH needs to step up & talk things through with his mother, delve into what’s going on between you.

This is a special time between them, bear in mind her baby now has a baby - imagine the memories, reminiscences & feelings about that - & he is now a father.

His mother has to be guided - rather than told - about his family & how things are going to be.