How to handle MIL and my baby... advice from other Gran's needed

We used to have this with my MIL when my dtr was a baby. She would take her off me whilst I was bathing her or dressing her thinking I wasn't doing it right and take over. I went back to work when she was 12 weeks old through necessity and she minded her until she was 6 months old and could go to nursery. In the end one day I just picked her during a visit and told hubby we were going home. Stay firm and don't let her walk all over you otherwise this will continue all the time. You are baby's Mum (congratulations by the way), so any decision is yours and your other half, if she can't respect that or fit in with your schedule then she needs to adapt or stay out of it.

‘It doesn't sound as if your MIL deals with disappointment very well. She will have been very excited about this baby whilst waiting for it and has pictured her Grandmotherhood as being very different to the way you want it.’

Wise words.

MiL is working...full time, part time, zero hours ? Does she work by choice or financial necessity? How much notice & choice does she have about when she works? Does she have other family commitments? How is her general health ?Maybe she has very little notice & opportunity to make the two hour round trip to see you, her son & GC?

When you offer alternative dates, maybe she is busy...& she may well feel disappointed with the situation she is in.

‘She has also started to voice her disgust that my son will be attending nursery full time when I go back to work- he'll be 8 months old.’ Disgust ? Really ?

She's been telling other family members that she thinks this is wrong ‘

Firstly, do not pay heed to gossip. Why is this being relayed to you ? To what purpose are you discussing this with other people ? Wise up, what is the dynamic within the family that brings these conversations up? Don’t borrow other people’s dramas.

‘...but hasn't actually told me what she thinks to my face.’ So you really know what she thinks? What her feelings are? Her perspective & observations about working mothers ? What she may have learned over the years ? Maybe she has strong views & is keeping them to herself as she knows that you don’t have much choice ? ‘
I'm returning to work because I have to, not because I want to.’ Could be this was her experience ? Could her colleagues are in the same position & she is well aware of your situation?

Why do I ask so much about your MiL? Because the post is about you & not much really about her other than faults.

I also think that your son should be dealing with his mother !
She needs to be told that altho you value her advice and want her to be an active part in the babies life, etc but she must respect your wishes and your boundaries. She is causing you issues when this should be one of the best times of your life. I agree with not being too rigid, give and take, however there needs to be a fine line drawn so that she is not able to control or manipulate this situation. Good luck ....

Have I got this right?

Your MiL is working over the Christmas period - either by choice or because she could not get the leave days. On what might be one of the few days off over Christmas, sHe is hosting a large family gathering at her house. Her son & DiL have suggested that she ‘pop’ over on Christmas Day for an hour too see Baby open presents – so with travel time thrown in, that’s a three hour trip on a day which will be hectic from first light to pull together the ‘effortless’ Christmas for the family.

Yeah, right…what an empty gesture to someone who clearly cannot accept the invitation.

I completely agree with you, it's your first Christmas as a family, spend it as you wish. If you don't think it is a good idea for baby to be passed all over [ cos people will want to hold him ] have a nice quiet Chistmas day at home nd visit some people maybe on Boxing Day.
Although I would like to add ,and please do not take offence, but I cannot understand people having babies when they know they will need to go back to work after they are born. If a woman NEEDS to go back to work then WHY have a baby, you finances are going to be even worse now you have the extra expense of the said baby. I just don't get it.

It doesn't sound as if your MIL deals with disappointment very well. She will have been very excited about this baby whilst waiting for it and has pictured her Grandmotherhood as being very different to the way you want it. In that respect, I do feel that you can be kind about the way you handle her. I would acknowledge how disappointed she might be but point out that you are also trying to do what works for your family. I would have a straight conversation about her advice but point out that the best advice is where the offerer recognises that you are at liberty to take it or leave it. If you can find a way to thank her and act on advice on stuff which really doesn't impact on you and baby much, whilst being assertive on stuff about sleep, feeding, etc., you might find that she is more manageable. I would also point out that you are probably more sensitive to some of this than you need to be simply because you are more than likely tired, overwhelmed with the newness of it all coupled with the changes your body has been through and the hormones surging through you.
Many people, Grans and Mother's alike, find the path through family relationships after the birth of a baby, extremely difficult. Recently my sister, who has many faults but is usually well meaning, overstepped the boundaries with her new grandchild. Whilst her son was complaining bitterly and wishing she was more like me, I pointed out that with my own daughter I had experienced a similar scenario and it was a hard lesson to learn. Fortunately my son got wind of the likely fallout and was able to alert me. I was very surprised, more than a little hurt because I thought my daughter would know I always had her back and was helping her but extremely grateful that I could mend fences before it went horribly wrong.
Of course, at the end of the day, it is your child, your and your husband's rules and it may be that, if you can get through this difficult time, you let your MIL interact with your child with your husband and you have some free time.
Good luck.

I agree with yehbutnobut ? We assume that the other person knows what you feel and are just being damn awkward. She is probably trying to understand where she fits in. I can empathise, my MIL now deceased, was needy and sometimes underhand, I would get very upset. Now I reflect I can understand completely her situation and her feelings. Although we were kind and inclusive. I’m sorry I didn’t try even harder to help her feel a part of everything. She was a wonderful gran, my children loved her dearly. Open up and try a little harder to include her. ?

Very wise words from `Moving on 2018

I think you are doing everything right Lesim91 you have a very young baby and you want to spend the first Christmas just the 3 of you, that’s the choice you and your husband have made, she’s asked to visit at times that aren’t free for you, so you have done the right thing and suggested other alternative times and she sulks, childish or what on her part! Then voices her disgust that your son will be going to nursery behind your back, charming! Comments on your feeding and your baby going down for naps, sounds to me as if she wants to take control, I presume you have told your husband this.?I think he should have a word with her and things hopefully calm down a bit, i am a Nannie of 3 but always respect the wishes of the parents, hope you get it sorted soon and your MlL listens to her son us nannies do come in very handy as the grandchildren grow and are able to help and get involved

Yes as some have said,if shes only 'allowed an hour' thats not much is it,when shes come all that way?it is a bit like saying "we'l take your gifts,but youre not wanted"- a bit like a slap in the face,as someone else said- thats why the suggestion of another day,so you can have tea together,make it a proper visit,play with& hug the baby,spend time with her son too- it makes her a bit more welcome maybe? It might even thaw her a bit?

Maybe while they chat HE could mention the going to work subject and just say its because you have to,so all subjects covered then.Good luck

Your never going to win . Just bring your son up the way you want to . I had this with my mother in law and even thou the kids are grown up , she is still a problem . She told me cuddling my children would spoil them , tried to take there dummy and bottle away from them . You find as your child gets older what ever they do will never be as good , as the other grandchildren . Although my children grew up well adjusted and never been any bother , unlike her other grandchildren . My children now tolerate her but there is no love loss , which is a shame . My advice to you is bring your child up as you like and live your life the same . Include her in family occasions s but on your terms , if she doesn't want attend her loss . Don't take her comments personally as that will cause rifts with your partner . My mother in law done so many evil things over the years and really upset me , that we even moved abroad to be away from her . She is now 75 in I'll health but still manages to cause rifts in the family . Your family is what is in your house , enjoy life , love that little boy to bits and spoil him rotten . Good luck .

Yes you could always invite her with gifts on xmas eve or boxing day instead,make a bit of a 'high tea' for you all,while she plays with the baby, so shes had some time with him first,then you could pop him to bed while she& her son have a 'catch up'- job done.

Yehbutnobut how right you are sit down and talk quietly and openly. What is it with DILs that they all think the MIL is in the wrong. As ever we are hearing 1 side of the story. I have 2 DOLs as different as chalk to cheese in their approach to me yet I am the same person. MIL is a person who will love this baby and who may seem to have views but so do you as a mum and although I say Mum is right to say what she wants for her baby she also needs to understand her MI L feelings as well as no doubt she does her own mother who she will make all sorts of allowances for. Empathy and understanding ( often misinterpreted) is the key here for all mums with MILs - Nb my view of course!

I think that NC should be a very last resort. It strikes me that it's all too easy (lazy?) just to give up. Children lose the chance of getting to know their grandparents, which is an awful shame.

Ps, before anyone says, my husband did get involved and try to talk to her, but she just thought he was spouting what I’d told him to. She just ignored him.

Id ask her bluntly if SHE would like to support your family financially instead of you going back to work then? If she says no she cant afford it- say ,"no neither can we thats why im returning to work"! & leave it at that- as for christmas,just repeat the invite,state its present opening only,NOT lunch.if she comes round all good,if not the baby wont notice one or two less gifts.As for the rest,as others have said,stand your ground,your baby,your rules! I wont say get your hubby to 'deal with her' as he probably wont.

I don’t agree with Pollyanna at all. I was at both ends as well. I could write for decades about the trials and tribulations of my late MIL. All I can say is, your children and their welfare MUST come first. Anybody else’s feelings are not relevant. We put up with her for 25 years, with lots of spaces in between. Your children WILL notice when things aren’t right. We eventually shut our doors when we were 40, 20 years ago, and it was the most peaceful and restful time ever. My granny warned me, before we even had the children,( as my husband and I met when we were 16 ), after she met my MIL, “ be very careful of her, she’ll never change, be strong and take charge, particularly when you have babies “. Sadly my dear granny passed before my children were born, but I always trusted her wisdom. She was right, no matter how much we tried, the best we ever got was denial that there was a problem!! The one thing I learnt from this woman, was how NOT to behave with your adult children. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right, and if our grandchildren’s parents said we couldn’t see them for any reason, then that would be fine. Christmas Day I really wouldn’t expect to, but we all get along well, so they want us there. Your MIL sounds like she’s wavered all her ‘ rights’. Remember, you’re investing in your children, not upwards to parents and in laws. They’ve had their turn. All the best.

I’m with blueskies and Pollyanna. Don’t abuse your power. You have her son and her grandson, be gentle be considerate be empathetic. One day it might be you who is excluded.

I don't understand why people with this issue, after trying for a period, don't pass it over to their husband to sort. As a husband I would be upset to feel that my wife was struggling with my mother, because of my mother's behaviour and feeling that she has to sort it alone.

Yes get your husband to sort it.

Pollyanna1962 at least this poster and her partner have not NC'd the grandparents. Us oldies are being NC'd for the flimsiest of excuses these days

Good luck with all of this. Can I ask, cos it will happen, who will look after the baby on days when your little son is too unwell to go into nursery, for example has been actively sick? I know there are exclusion rules and timings for this. If you are going to have to ask MiL to babysit at those times, that could change the dynamics. Hope you have a lovely Christmas, the way you want it.

Great post Pollyana ?

Crikey Moving On ! I have to say I read your post with mounting horror!

I don’t have DiL only SiL and they welcome my input and opinion and take on board anything I have to offer. They , rightly, decide what if any advice to take but I definitely feel part of the family not some unwelcome bystander fenced in by rules !

As for the OP , I’m sure there will be plenty of advice from the board - some of it so far from my realm of experience that I’m glad my family aren’t like this.

Re your baby going to a nursery,Lesim91.
I was in the same position as you.
My son went to a nursery when he was tiny and stayed until he went to school
He loved it.
In those days they were allowed to play in the snow with buckets and spades.
On his first day at school he ran in when he saw all the toys on display without a backward glance to me.
Other children were clinging to their mothers.
I was told by a doctor that it is better for both mother and child to have a Break from one another.
My son has told me more than once that he had a very happy childhood..