How to handle MIL and my baby... advice from other Gran's needed

I'm a gran and can see her side, yes you can do exactly what you like with your child day to day. But she will have all her years of experience bubbling up too in the presence of a bay.
The thing that would destroy me is you Christmas plans, I find them cruel, saying she may pop in for an hour to open presents, what a slap in the face for a new gran, I would be mortified and very very hurt. Your baby is so young its the best time to travel and be at family do as they have no clue.
I lost my mum in my 30's, think on.

Get a video doorbell - Nest Hello works well. You can see who is at the door and not answer it when you can't face her. She might learn to make advance arrangement with you then. If she guesses you were in when you didn't answer the door you can tell her honestly "sorry I wasn't expecting anyone so I ignored it"

You are married - it is his role to help you. Do not let this be between you and her.

There is a part of me that strangely envys the fact that your mother wants to be so involved! My Mil left me very much to my own devices and only came round (rarely) if she was invited!
Like others have said, I would get your OH to be involved. As long as you are both reading off the same hymn sheet, either he needs to have a quiet word with his mother or you both need to invite her round to your house ,can someone else take your son out at the time ? Sit her down and tell her just what you want from her. Your house, your rules.
Yes, she may kick off. Yes, she may sulk but you are fully aware of that. It will be her that misses out.

Your MiL sounds stressed. You both love the baby but she lives an hour away from him. She has a large family gathering for Christmas and is working for part of the holiday. Cut her some slack. You can afford to be magnanimous so why not suggest that you pay her a visit close to Christmas with presents etc--her date and time. Be nice to her it is Christmas.

My DS and DiL had/have a similar problem, but with my son's MiL, not with me! She is overbearing and manipulative. DiL is too nice to say anything, as she doesn't want to cause any upset with her mum, and my DS just wants to keep the peace, but often complains to me about her! I once made the mistake of speaking my mind, as she had also upset me, but that caused a bit of bad feeling within the family at that time, for which I regret. Although, sometimes, things need to be said!

Whenever she visits them, she often takes over and, in the past, has disregarded routines that DiL & DS have with our GD. Last time we all visited together, I witnessed her telling them she didn't agree with the way they do things, and she disrupted our GD bedtime routine which DiL & DS had been working on. Then, when GD became unsettled, and wouldn't go down to sleep, she finally hands her back to mum/dad to deal with a very fretful baby late at night!

I do my bit by offering support and encouragement when needed/wanted, and always tell them what a great job they're doing as parents, because they are. But these days, I tend to stand back and keep my mouth shut as far as the other MiL is concerned!

It's awful when you have a bad atmosphere within a family, and I really sympathize with you. But it seems that you and your husband are on the same page as far as your MiL is concerned. It's difficult, I know, but for the sake of a harmonious family relationship, try not to let this develop into any kind of argument. Try to have a casual conversation with her, and tell her it's not easy being a new parent/grandparent, and there's lots to learn. Tell her that you know she'd like you all to join them for Christmas Day, but you and your husband would really like to spend your 1st Christmas relaxing together at home, without any stresses of unsettling the baby's routine, etc.

As someone else suggested, call and invite her round occasionally, when it suits you, but if she's not available, at least she can't say you don't invite her! When you visit her, and she takes over, I can understand how annoying that must be for you, but looking at it another way, you could let her get on with it and have a bit of a rest yourself! It's till early days, and the novelty of her new GC, could wear off over time, and she won't be quite so overbearing.

Hang in there, and make sure you and your husband stay on the same side. Hopefully things will settle down for you.

What does your dh think about it?

If he is not on the same page as him, he is the problem

Start by redirecting all the MIL communications to her son.

You are the gatekeeper to your immediate family. Set boundaries now and apply consequcnes to any broken boundaries. Let her know her role as a grandmother. She does not get to have an opinion, influence or decision over a child thats not hers. Her parenting days are done. As a grandmother her role is to help the parents to her grandchild raise their child by abiding to their wishes. And not take over and treat you like a surrogate. What you allow will only continue.

You certainly seem to have your work cut out with your MIL,you must get this sorted before you go back to work or as *MamaCaz she could appear on your doorstep when you get in from work-nightmare.
Make your OH as much as he loves his mum speak to her and tell her to back off as you want to be together to enjoy your new little family unit.

Do what you feel you need to do, and ask your husband to deal with his mother. Men are so often let off the hook in terms of peoples behavior - why are women left to deal with it and agonise over it all the time?

This is your husband's mother, he needs to be telling her to back off.

Don't feel you need to justify why you're going back to work, either. Whether you need to go back for financial reasons or because you don't want to be at home 24/7 with a baby or you want to push ahead with your career is really no one else's business except yours and your dh's.

Good luck!

Lesim invite her round for a cup of tea and a cake, then sit down and tell her, nicely, how you feel. You need to at least give her the opportunity to understand how you feel and mend her ways. Also meet her half way.

It’s not all about her and it’s not all about you and baby.

A good working relationship depends on give and take.

No advice but Good Luck! Mine was a pain in *rse so I know what you are going through

It sounds like you have your work cut out there, and are already doing all you can.
You sound both more mature and more reasonable than your mil.

If you don't want to cut her out (which I think should always be a last resort anyway), my only advice is to keep doing what you are doing, being 'the bigger person', staying calm and reasonable while firmly standing your ground. I doubt she will improve, but you never know!

Once you are back at work and your son is in nursery, you should see less of her anyway - unless, God forbid, she thinks it's ok to visit you at the end of a tiring day's work!
Hopefully your husband will be around more at the weekends, and if so, it's vital that he not only backs you up, but that he takes the lead in dealing with this!

Oh dear, she sounds just like my sister (a self-declared 'expert' on babies and children). She'll think that her way is the only right way - and therefore you're doing everything wrong!

You need to be assertive (take a course if you can). Reinforce the message that you decide how to care for the baby. Remain pleasant and friendly, even when it hurts.

Regularly inform her of days you are free to meet but minimise visits to her house. She will think it's fine to rule the roost in her own home. Try to organise things so that she has little opportunity to interfere and get your husband to back you up. He can remind her that you are the mother.

Oh and I should also add that we have said that she can pop in for an hour or so Christmas morning and open presents with him, but we've declined the huge family gathering at her house which is an hour away as we think it's all a bit much for a baby, especially if he isn't allowed to nap or chill out (he's not a cuddly baby and likes his independence)