How to handle MIL and my baby... advice from other Gran's needed

Hmmm... This thread is over a month old, but since it concerns Christmas, I'll comment. IMO, you sound like a reasonable DIL and a loving mum at the same time. I agree w/ those who say you need to be firm w/ MIL, and that, in fact, DH needs to step in. He may be able to get the point across to her in a way that you can't since they have more of a history, etc.

I commend you for not wanting to go NC w/ her. But I would keep visits to a minimum and establish a policy where they are ended if she breaks your and DH's rules for your child/disrupts your household by waking baby, etc. Her feelings may be hurt by this, I know, and I feel bad about that. But it may be the only way she will learn. I never tried to keep my DGC awake or wake them up when they were sleeping, and I don't see why your MIL should do so either.

As for her opinions about nursery, etc., as others have said, you don't have to listen. I'm sorry she's complaining about it to other family members, but I also wonder why they are repeating her comments to you. I would ask them not to. Whatever their intentions, THEY are the ones pressuring you, NOT her. Plus, they are creating more tension.

As for your idea about Christmas morning, I see no harm in it. I always defer to DD's and SIL's wishes when it comes to Christmas, as I know that having kids complicates things, as joyous as it is, and they know what works best w/ theirs. I also get your not going to the big family affair, as traveling w/ LOs can be stressful, and I understand your not wanting him in a large crowd, etc. Again, you and DH know best what's good for your own baby and family.

It sounds as if there are some mismatched expectations here. No doubt, MIL had a different view of what grandpareinting was going to be like than you and DH did. But this is YOUR and HIS baby. so she'll have to adjust. Please don't worry if she sulks. If that's how she handles disappointment, that's her choice, and not your concern. Again, I feel bad for her, but she will have to learn to deal.

Hope you have a great Christmas and New Years, enjoy your baby, and don't let MIL spoil it for you.

Yea I agree with the poster saying the mumsnet standard sayings "it doesn't work for us"..."that's okay..we'll try again next time". I'd just simply not fight or get angry. No reaction. Neutral and calm at all times. Be filled with equanimity with her. She seems spoilt and can't take not being in control. She has the mentality of a 2 year old.

I have a 4 month old and I just say things exactly as they are now. The in-laws know not to mess with me too much anymore.

My MiL used to sulk if her plans weren't adhered to. She used to often put the phone down on my DH if he upset her, which wasn't difficult. It used to upset me much more than it upset him because he was used to it. In the end I just used to try and ignore it and we went our own way. She was difficult with everyone until she died aged 103!

Since our children have started having their own children we have told them all not to worry about coming to see us on Christmas Day but just come round on Boxing Day. It's worked fine the last couple of years. I really miss going to see my mum on Christmas morning though!

@Lesim91

‘... we have invited her round for the day the weekend before Christmas to spend the day with GS and have dinner ...’

Sounds very nice. Take photos - somehow or other get one printed up in a nice frame for Gma first Christmas present from baby. Syrupy maybe, but hey it’s Christmas.

‘...but she says she doesn't know what she'll have on and won't commit to it...’

Meh! But your offer is there.

‘We are also going up on boxing day as the family gets together on this day too...’

Sounds like a nice, & BIG, day out for your family, & the whole family will be chuffed to meet baby. Make sure family sees some pix of Gma & baby from previous weekend. Take photos of baby with family.

‘...however she is working despite the fact that we told her way in advance that we would come over on boxing day (she's in charge of the work rota and plans her own shifts) ...’

To be fair, sorting out leave for teams at Christmas is a nightmare as everyone wants the best days & it falls upon the manager to make some tough decisions so some people - particularly rota managers - just have to take it on the chin & take what they can get.

I bid for a fortnight at Christmas as early as possible - when the annual leave allowance came on the system - & bolstered my case as I covered the school holidays so that colleagues with school-age children could have their leave.

If she lives an hour away, can you time the visits so the baby sleeps there and back in the car so is more alert when actually there. That would help with the problem of her disturbing the sleep pattern. Ignore the sulking; she's an hour away so don't be the audience!

If she suggests an inconvenient time to visit, the usual mumsnet response advice is, 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me'. No explanation needed, just repeat, repeat! When she remarks on your childcare decisions, just say,' Thank you for those suggestions but this is the way we have decided to do things' and smile.....again just repeat, repeat. No need to get into a discussion that will just give her ammunition to carry on, the choices are not hers to make.

Good luck with everything and let us know how you get on if you find a solution, I really hope you MIL mellows as life is too short for all this silliness from her side

You will never please this woman unless you do exactly what she wants, 100% of the time. I wouldn’t even try tbh, you’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her by offering her a range of very valid alternatives. She’s turned them down so I think it’s time to say ‘enough’ and look forward to creating Christmases you and your DH want for your new family unit.

Honestly OP, if you bend over backwards much more, you’ll need to be hospitalised!! Don’t just “ do “ Christmas your way, but your whole lives. You’re a separate unit answerable to your son and any future children, whilst they are growing up. I don’t blame your husband for backing off. It’s too ingrained in her, she’ll NEVER change. Do what you want to do and be happy?

I think you are bending over backwards to make a rational compromise to suit baby's sleeps, feeds and timetable and MiL, for whatever reason, is being difficult and touchy.
Could you write to her and explain?

You need to begin as you mean to go on. You want to include her but as others have said, your DBaby is still very tiny and will not do well at a big family Christmas party.
Tell her straight. No shouting necessary.

I'd have really good old shouting go at her when she doesn't respect your authority as the baby's mother.

Hardly a recipe for finding a solution and not exactly constructive! It would be better to put the energy into straight and honest talking and giving her the opportunity to respond appropriately (maybe!) and also into getting her son to deal with his apparent inability to deal with his mother effectively!

I'd have really good old shouting go at her when she doesn't respect your authority as the baby's mother.

I think your MIL sounds a right nightmare to be honest, you have much more patience than me, it seems you are trying hard to sort things out, even your husband her son doesn’t seem to get anywhere with his mother, she plans her own shifts and still not able to be with you, it seems to me whichever day you ask will never be right for her, she’s sounds very controlling and a attention seeker, she wants to be in control and will only do things on her terms not yours, how very childish

You have a dh problem
He doesn't want to upset his mother so he chooses to upset you

Your MIL is the one creating the fall out, not you.
She learns to compromise or she has to realize she cannot get her way all the time.

Thanks for your replies.

Just to answer some of the comments:

My husband feels the same way as me but in the past when he has spoken to his mum about issues it leads to massive fall outs, so he does shy away from these types of conversations as she will take everything offensively.

We always try to accommodate her visiting. If we already have plans we suggest other days but she takes this personally and then just says she is busy (and then often changes her mind days later)

In regards to Christmas, we have invited her round for the day the weekend before Christmas to spend the day with GS and have dinner but she says she doesn't know what she'll have on and won't commit to it. We have also offered to cook Christmas day brunch but she says she can't because she has to cook Christmas dinner and doesn't like doing prep the day before. We are also going up on boxing day as the family gets together on this day too, however she is working despite the fact that we told her way in advance that we would come over on boxing day (she's in charge of the work rota and plans her own shifts) we accept that our LO will have a disrupted routine on boxing day and is likely to get a bit grumpy but we didn't want this to be the case for Christmas day.

I have no desire to fall out with her, I'm just struggling to bite my tongue amid the criticism and her difficult behaviour.

No, my MIL turned into the ice queen after the children were born!!

These don’t sound like mistakes, I’m sure you did the same as me at times, and were just trying to help. This sounds quite nasty and almost deliberately undermining the OP.

Yes Kathy, I did read that and understand your point. As you say, we don't know how long there have been tensions between the OP and her MIL, but it's nevertheless possible that, given patience and goodwill on both sides, the baby may be just what is needed to melt that frost. I'm glad I wasn't judged too harshly for my own early mistakes as a new grandmother.

Hello Delila, yes, but if you read the OP’s thread, she starts by saying, “ I’ve always had a frosty relationship with my MIL “, which suggests some time before the baby was born. We had 10 years of my MIL before any children came along. Of course I could have misinterpreted this, and it may just be a few weeks/ months. I could understand the many threads wanting to make allowances, if say she had been fine up until the birth, and then become difficult. But by all accounts, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Correct me if I’m wrong OP.

OP,
You admit your relationship with mil was frosty before baby - how many years are we talking about?

Sit with your dh and agree on rules for MIL to follow and what happens when she acts like a child and boundary stomp.

Dh talks to MIL and explains that in order to have a loving extended family relationship, there need to be fences that need to be respected on both sides. You and dh's are the following..... insert your rules here

If she throws a fit, take a time out till after Christmas.

Take back control of your life.
Your child is your child first, her gc second.
She gets what she gets - very generous offer btw, sharing your Christmas morning with her- or she gets nothing. Let her sulk as much as she wants, she created this situation with her entitlement.

Yes Kathy1959, it is very early days, far too early to say the OP has been more than reasonable for far too long.

As you say, we're talking about a 3 month old baby. Emotions, both negative and positive, will be running high on both sides. It's a new and exciting situation all round. Things will probably settle down and all parties will learn what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

Aepgirl, we’re talking about a 3 month old baby, not a 5year old. Give him chance!!

Maybe remind her (with humour if poss) that your husband is allowed to go out to work, so why not you? This is 2019, after all! Otherwise, I'd just try to be as nice as possible and invite her round now and then. Babies are stressful little things and really, as others have said, your husband needs to deal with his mother and back you up 100%.

She is feeling nobody needs wants or listens to her any more; give her a little task ...ask her opinion and consider it seriously
Give in on nonsense that does not matter
Make her feel needed but stick to what you think is right for your child

So what does your husband/partner have to say about this? She is, after all, his mother. As to your baby not being able to cope with a large family gathering, how will he be with a large number of children and staff at a nursery school?