Family conflict

I don’t get along with my sil we are just very different people. Nothing huge no massive row it’s just lots of little things. I find her rather babied and over bearing contact wise. If I hadn’t of married her brother I wouldn’t be her friend. I am civil but do find myself trying to avoid going to my in-laws if I know she’s going to be there. Dh also sees her as the golden favoured child out of them both to his parents. Which I also see repeating in the actions towards the grandchildren. Mil has tried once to engage sil and dh together as if they where little children again and that blew up spectacularly in her face where dh let out a lot of his views on his mother and sister.

I’d stay well back and be neutral, don’t force anything and make sure your not taking sides even accidentally in the case of spending too much more time with the other either. The resentment my dh has is huge and when the in-laws die I see him going no contact with his sister if he doesn’t before.

Don’t get involved. You certainly shouldn’t be worrying before the baby is born. Conflict is bad enough without preemptions. Just look forward to your new grandchild.

Bekind, I don't think your family is unusual actually. It's sad but some people just don't gel with one another

Please don't expect the baby to take on that "job" either. It might be the case, but maybe not. Your AC (adult children) and CIL are all adults and need to deal w/ each other directly or not at all - THEIR choice. Please just enjoy being a GM2B and then a new GM.

Congratulations on the marriage of DS and DD and on the coming GC! I'm going to chime in w/ others and advise you to refuse to play piggy in the middle. Let them solve their own differences (or not).

I agree with others, don't get in the middle.

Your son, dd, dil and sil are adults. Let them manage their relationships as they see fit.

Not only is it reasonable not to want to be caught in the middle of your DIL and DD's disagreements, but you are entitled to ask them both to treat each other politely, if they meet in your house.

They are grown women who don't have to like each other or get on, but they do need to be polite to each other for the entire family's sake.

What does your son feel about these issues between his wife and sister? Surely, he could tell them both to behave!

Babies aren’t glue .

If there are issues between your DD and DiL then they need to sort themselves out . They’re grown ups after all. You would be foolish to get between the two of them OP , you just make yourself the ‘target’ .

My situation is the same as yours, but unfortunately didn't get better. My daughter won't visit if she has to see her brother and his family so there have been no visits. My DIL is mad and won't speak to my daughter so I'm in the middle and have to act as if the other family doesn't exist. I will never be able to have my family all together. The silliness of these grown people is unbelievable. I bet my experience is unusual and your family will be able to adjust to the new family relationships and appreciate each other! I wish that for you!

The advice I’d give as a parent and a grandparent, is definitely to take a step back, metaphorically and physically. Don’t be involved in their relationships, love and appreciate your grandchild when he or she arrives.....and leave it at that. Lead your own life and let them lead theirs....with all their ups and downs. I know its hard but allow them to make their own minds up and resolve their own issues. They are adults after all. So if you have a strong opinion, keep it to yourself. All will be well.

Wise remarks, Hetty58!

Wise words Hetty58, stay neutral, for the sake of GC’s.

What about staying neutral for the sake of your own relationship with each of your AC?

If you start seeing your paired off AC and ILs as a vehicle to GC then you will run into bigger problems...
Work on your own relationship with the adults and dont be a piggy in the middle, and the relationships with the GC will come naturally

Wise words Hetty58, stay neutral, for the sake of GC’s.

Thanks so much everyone! All good food for thought ?x

Please don't let it spoil your pleasure in your new (first?) grandchild! As others have said, make it clear you won't be refereeing any conflict
I would stop there thats fine/enough

over the coming baby because you want to use your energy on meeting and enjoying her or him.
Please dont go on about the baby too much to the other couple:
Either they are trying to concieve and so far no luck, in which case they will be feeling bruised/sensitive about it, and will struggle to be happy if all other people talk about is someone elsea baby
Or they're not trying, and it infers that they are a lesser couple just because they dont want to reporoduce (whether its just for now or ever).

It is absolutely reasonable to refuse to be piggy in the middle. Just dont add "for the baby" too much IYKWIM

Please don't let it spoil your pleasure in your new (first?) grandchild! As others have said, make it clear you won't be refereeing any conflict over the coming baby because you want to use your energy on meeting and enjoying her or him.

When you are with one of them, focus on them, dont talk too much about the others. That'll help too

See them separately dont arrange everything to be "everyone"
Which is easier logistically now anyway as their own families expand.

Dont force them together, in reality they dont need to be too much except at bigger family events where they will be "diluted". DS and DD are married not joint at the hip, and you can still do some things 1:1 or just the 3 of you.

Forcing people to be "friends" doesnt work and can cause them to resent each other so take the pressure off! Expect CIVILITY but closeness isnf compulsary. They'll be more likely to gradually naturally warm to each other if they dont feel forced together as "new sisters/bffs"

My daughter in law and my two daughters do not get on. Last Christmas an issue came up between them. My daughter in law complained to me. I was at a loss to know what to do as in my opinion all three of them were at fault. My daughter in law has not spoken to me since then and she unfriended my daughters from Facebook. I guess my advice to you is stay well clear of the conflict, if you let yourself get dragged into it you well only cause yourself grief.

You can do nothing about relationships. My 2 children never got on. I just stayed out of it. Now as adults they are on good terms. Just show no interest in whether they get on or not. As adults we often behave like silly children when parents are around. It’s rivalry. Don’t rise to the bait.

My daughter and daughter-in-law fell out at a family get together seven years ago. Sadly, as they live at other ends of the country it has never been properly resolved. I soon learned that by trying to act as a go-between I was making things worse so I have stepped right back. I'm just sad that their children have very little to do with each other.

I agree, you do not have to be referee. They are adults and need to sort out their own differences.

Agree about not getting in the middle of these two. It's almost like giving them the permission to act as children. Just relax and enjoy the coming year. Time they took responsibility for their own actions.

It’s not your job to be ‘referee’, grills, any more than it would be if two of your friends were fighting about something.
Don’t get drawn into anything.
‘I couldn’t possibly comment’ is quite a useful stock phrase.