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Dealing with my late daughters husband

(20 Posts)
LP14 Sun 29-Dec-19 09:56:15

My most amazing, beautiful daughter was killed 3 years ago by a motorist who should not have been driving, she had her very young children in the car, they had minor injuries but my daughter was killed, she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Her husband told me within hours of this happening, his parents were arriving & could we find somewhere else to stay. I have given him a tremendous amount of support, he employed a nannie & returned to work, it was obvious to many she wasn't suitable, this turned out to be a nightmare, he told me I wasn't allowed to see the children if I wasn't accepting her, I had met her once for 10minutes on the 1st anniversary of my daughters death ! When she was on holiday I went to look after the children & when I went to the school the headmistress asked if she could talk to me as did the nursery, the nanny employed by their daddy was behaving very cruelly to the children then the cleaner telephoned me, their daddy had been sent an email & a letter but they were very concerned, I asked the cleaner to talk to daddy, he did & he was only concerned how many others were in his house when the nanny had gone shopping ! School apparently contacted daddy on several occasions, he didn't reply so they reported the happenings. A 'person' came & played games etc with my grandchild & when daddy found out he placed them into private school, nanny gone & another arrived. The relationship I have with him is terrible I have offered to go to counselling or find a mediator & he never replies. They can come & stay with me when he wants to go on childfree holidays, they were coming here for a few days before Christmas then at the last minute he said they were busy, I did see them for a few hours when we were at a relatives house & they asked if they could come home with me then I was told several stories of what's happening at home & I was distraught, they have been told by daddy, 'This is the way it is & accept it, get over it & move on.' The older one is talking to a teacher as she is also being bullied at school, she wants to do things with her sister & daddy, I don't think this will ever happen. The woman who lives with him & they were in a relationship a few months after my daughter was killed, she moved in with her daughter who is the same age as my older granddaughter 8years, she goes to her mother constantly about things & the only time things are easier is when she's at her fathers but then she wants childfree holidays.They live some distance away & are moving further in the summer but the children have not been told, I know they will be distraught to move from their friends, activities & house that has memories, they only have photos or reminders of mummy when they are with me. A very sad & worrying situation for me which is making me ill.

dragonfly46 Sun 29-Dec-19 10:02:04

So sad to hear this LP. I cannot offer you any advice except to continue seeing your DGC when you can. My heart goes out to you.

Knittynatter Sun 29-Dec-19 10:53:33

This is so sad and my heart aches for you. I have no advice, sorry. Would social services help if Dad isn’t responding to the school? Xx

vinasol Sun 29-Dec-19 11:04:10

How very sad. A terrible situation for you to be in. Yes, I'd contact Social Services xxx

GagaJo Sun 29-Dec-19 11:08:09

I think I would contact social services. Give the name of the school they are at now, and also the name of the school they were pulled out of.

It will probably affect your contact with your grandchildren, I'm very sad to say. BUT overall, what must worry you the most is their well being.

Luckygirl Sun 29-Dec-19 11:11:42

I do not have any solutions for you, but just wanted to say how sorry I am that your DD was killed - and for your current situation, which must be very worrying. flowers

Grammaretto Sun 29-Dec-19 11:15:50

Are the other DGP any use? It certainly sounds a dreadful situation. Luckily children are resilient and will most likely be all right as long as they are loved and are together. I hope you can continue to be part of their lives.

You should find some grief counselling for you.

I lost my DF in an accident when I was a small child. We had a very disrupted childhood but all grew up to be resilient adults.

Sending ((hugs))

SynchroSwimmer Sun 29-Dec-19 11:25:00

On a very small, practical level - and depending on the other grandchilds age, could you, now or in future, have a little private Facebook “group’ - or Messenger group or similar?

This is what I did in a similar situation and it works well.

It was my means of maintaining a direct link with the young relatives, keeping an ongoing relationship, communicate with fun things sometimes, share photos, and eventually in their time of emotional struggles they were able and happy to communicate with me, and similarly appreciated words of support, kindness and wisdom that I could send back.

I haven’t worded it very well I’m afraid...

notanan2 Sun 29-Dec-19 11:40:37

School and nursery were wrong to pass the buck to you. I would pass it back to them and ask them why they dont have an appropriate system to escalate their concerns through.

Passing it on to people without PR who happen to be picking up the children on occasion is not on.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 29-Dec-19 12:08:04

This makes me feel incredibly sad for you and your grandchildren, terrible situation to be in , yes I would contact social services

mumofmadboys Sun 29-Dec-19 12:33:25

I personally wouldn't rush to contest SS. If you do your SIL may stop all contact with the children. If school were particularly alarmed they would contact SS themselves. It is good the children talk to their teachers. Just continue to offer support/ contact where you can

SueDonim Sun 29-Dec-19 15:04:44

I have no solutions to offer but I couldn’t pass by without saying how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter and the situation you now find yourself in. flowers

Fennel Sun 29-Dec-19 16:21:33

As SueDonim says, I can't add to the advice already given.
But I'm so sorry for all the pain you're going through and hope you're given the strength to follow through to the right decisions for the family.

Norah Sun 29-Dec-19 16:42:09

If you notify social services be prepared for SIL to cut contact.

Hetty58 Sun 29-Dec-19 17:06:11

Look carefully at the present situation. The children are in a different school and the unsuitable nanny is gone. What has happened in the past is now irrelevant.

Families move house all the time. I think that you're projecting your own feelings when you say that they'll be 'distraught'. Please don't be negative about it with them. They'll soon make new friends and settle in.

You are probably negative about his new OH too. It's quite understandable, as the relationship began so soon after you lost your daughter. It sounds like your SIL just couldn't cope alone. I think that you need to compensate by being extra friendly and helpful.

The best way to overcome your worries is by making a big effort to build a loving relationship with the family. Offer to have them to stay more often. Of course the children miss their mother but they will cope very well if they are loved and looked after. Listen to their concerns but have happy, positive times with them and stay in regular contact.

inkycog Sun 29-Dec-19 17:11:31

Gosh, there are many, many threads to this sad story. Would you consider seeing a counsellor yourself? Initially to separate out the various strands.

The tragic death of your daughter,the poor relationship with the father, the various things which may or may not be going on, a potential move for the children, how to find a path through this.

inkycog Sun 29-Dec-19 17:13:47

Also school and nursery must have proper, written safeguarding policies in place? Comments and observations should be noted?

Hithere Sun 29-Dec-19 17:35:55

How was your relationship with your dd and sil before the accident?

Starlady Sun 29-Dec-19 23:17:01

First, LP, my deepest condolences on the loss of your beautiful DD. What a tragic, sorrowful event, for you, your GC, and yes, your SIL, as well.

I agree w/ inkycog that there are many threads to this story. In fact, I admit I'm somewhat confused. Although the situation regarding the original nanny was disturbing, it seems that she was finally fired. So, like Hetty, I can't help but feel that the children's lives are better now. I know you don't like the fact that SIL's new GF (girlfriend) lives w/ them. But if the kids get along w/ her, and she's basically good to them, I don't see a reason to worry. Also, I get that the impending move concerns you. but maybe it will be good for the GC to get away from the memories in their home and start a new life. Sure they'll miss their friends, etc., but perhaps they can keep in touch w/ them via Skype, etc. Kids today don't lose contact w/ old friends when they move as easily as they did years ago.

No doubt, you'll miss them and they'll miss you. But I'm sure you'll get to see them and even have them over when SIL and GF go away on those "childfree" holidays. And I trust you can stay in touch w/ them, just as I said about their friends, via Skype, FaceTime, snail mail, etc. If you're cautious not to pressure SIL about this, I'm sure, in time, he'll allow it. The move will be hard for you, at first, but I'm sure you'll adjust in time. Hugs!

agnurse Mon 30-Dec-19 02:35:16

Keep in mind that the children are processing a number of things here - losing their mother, adjusting to a new normal, and having Daddy's partner move in with her child. There are bound to be hiccups.

Go to SS if you are seriously concerned, but be mindful that the move could actually be a good thing for them. Some people have difficulty moving on if they're in the same place, not to mention that at school they'll always be known as "the kids who lost their mother". In a new school, no one will know the backstory, and they may be able to make a new start.