Looking after grandchildren getting too much.

Please don't worry about your "rant," beautybumble. That's one of the things this forum is for. Better for you to vent here than at your AC and CIL, LOL!

I must admit, I'm a little confused though. You titled this post, "Looking after grandchildren getting too much." So I thought you were going to say that it's getting too hard for you to babysit or that it's expected too often or for too long hours, etc. But while it seems you AC take your help w/ kids for granted, your post seems to focus more on your need for more time w/ and appreciation from your AC. Which is the real issue?

Or is it a combination, as some posters have suggested. Would watching the grands seem easier if their parents showed more appreciation and interest in you as a whole person (not just a childminder)? Or would you need less support from them if you weren't watching the GC so often?

If it's any comfort, I think your AC's behavior towards you is very common and not intended to be hurtful, etc. Most young parents, IMO, are focused on themselves, their lives, the needs of their own families. I doubt they often stop to think of the fact that we, too, have lives - lives ourside of theirs, LOL!

But that's why I agree w/ others that the best solution to this problem would be to get involved in some separate activities or take up a hobby that needs your full attention for set times of the day/week. The let them know you're not available on this and that day or at these times b/c you've joined a new group, etc. This will get you out among other people, cut down on the amount of childminding you're called upon to do, and remind your AC that you are an individual w/ your own interests, etc.

Should you tell them how you've been feeling or that you'd like to be invited to tea, etc? If their lives are as busy as most young families seem to be these days, they may just see it as one more pressure (sorry to say). Or they might say, in effect, "Oh, of course, Mum, we didn't realize you'd want that, but of course." You can make a better guess than I as to which way they would react. But if in doubt, don't. Just beef up your own activites and start setting some boundaries.

Please let us know what you decide to do and how it works out!

Per training = pee training.

There's a saying.....it's easier to start something than to stop it.

We've been doing childcare for 12 years. So the eldest is now 12 and doesn't need care but still has sleepovers. Will bake a cake and make shortbread.
Her brother is 9 and still comes one day a week before and after school, plus random overnights. But will see to himself mostly.

Little cousin at nearly 3 comes 3 days every two weeks. The house is a tip. He's constantly in underpants only as he has just mastered per training and the poo training is work in progress.

Sometimes we have all 3 at once. That's easiest as They entertain each other.

They are all a delight but we're still glad to see them go. And there are two of us with dh being well involved so it doesn't all land on me.

I do feel you have your hands full OP. I couldn't do all that without feeling resentful.

If your adult children were to show a llittle appreciation for your efforts I bet it would not seem so arduous. Although arduous it is.

What would happen if you told them gently that you need to cut down a bit.

And what would happen if you were to say gently that you'd love to be asked to tea now and again. Or to go out somewhere nice for coffee.
Telling them that you'd love some adult time with them.

Great advice @Naty

Talk to them all and let them know how you feel. Hopefully they'll understand. Stop being available all the time. Block off a few days per week for yourself and tell them all via text "Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm booked". Find activities to do on those days. Make friends

Isn't it strange how we can have people around and have so much going on yet we can feel lonely. Sounds as if you need some TLC. Your family are not considering you, only their needs. Perhaps a word with son/daughter as to how you seem busy but don't do anything with them eg have meal out or better you are invited to them, go anywhere with them, concert, shopping, as simple as you like. You need care too.

Start finding your own hobbies and interest, there is so much out there for you to do, family is not the only thing. Volunteer with the National Trust, join a book group or poetry group (try your local library), join your nearest choir, help at the Red Cross or other charity, find a local walking group and get out of the house. There is so much out there. If you can't always look after the children because you have interesting hobbies perhaps the family will be more interested in you.

Beautybumble, you are a smashing gran that any mum on Mumsnet would be thrilled to have. The parallels between us are several, so I do feel for the way you feel.
Get yourself a life outside the family, to grow your self-confidence so you feel happier calling a family council.

Good luck

I'm divorced and very much alone when I'm not doing this

I think the above summarizes the root of your problem. Unless you have a health problem or some other serious limitation you haven't mentioned, you need not depend on your family for your sole social life.

You may have to step out of your 'comfort zone' to develop new relationships outside of your family, but I suspect you will be much happier if you can succeed in doing that.

Start by finding a new hobby, join a club, get a dog, ride a bike, try volunteering, develop a new interest...even a part time job. There is a whole world of activities out there waiting to be re-discovered. .....and when your adult children realize that you are busy and that you have a life of your own that is independent of theirs, they will be less inclined to take advantage of your time.

I think you need more time to do things that you need to do .It must be hard work with so many grandchildren,I only have 1 myself,I look after her ,but not too much.Everything is so much harder when you're by yourself,I can relate to that

Franbern, I completely agree with your last paragraph, I feel the same way!
I’m a tired enough person as it is, lifting little ones in and out of high chairs, and pushchairs, and upstairs, on and off swings, in and out car seats,I’m cream crackered by lunchtime!!
Adore them (8 currently) but having babies is for the young!!

Everyone gets into a routine and a way of living. Why don't you be pro active and suggest something like what you want to Do? Coffee with son or lunch with daughter.
It's something you don't usually do with them. Otherwise they will think you are ok when you are not.

I have never babysat my grandchildren. I work full time so it hassle been possible. I can however visit and bring treats, toys etc and love that. If I am ever in the position to babysit I would be thrilled.
I do understand that to be expected to do it and without warning is unfair.

We have been estranged from two of our four grandchildren because we stopped sitting. We were taking care of three parents and two babies. We just couldn’t do it regularly anymore but offered to do it whenever we could. We were still expected to call and come over all the time to see them. They never visited us. I’m not trying to scare anyone but I don’t think talking with your children is the right thing to do. I would just announce, cheerfully, that you just joined this group ( whatever it may be) and you are excited but won’t be available anymore on such and such days.

I speak to a lot of grans who are in this position, in fact most grans I know. I once tried to talk to my daughter when I felt left out and taken for granted. It almost caused a major falling out. Some good advice above.

I’d be very reluctant to let anyone else speak to your AC about this. It could cause all sorts of problems. Could sound like you have been complaining about things behind their backs. I’d feel very resentful if someone did this to me. Find out about interesting things in your area and then tell your AC’s that you have decided to do XY or Z and you are giving the advanced warning that you will be busy on whatever day it’s on. You will be surprised by their response. Either delighted that your doing something for your self or a bit annoyed about not being available. You will soon get your eyes opened to what they really think of you

Time to sort out a social life for yourself, and then tell them that although you love them and your grandchildren you are finding it too much now.
Join some groups, make new friends, look after yourself and your needs. Nothing worse than being used, and surely an occasional coffee out somewhere arranged by your family to show their appreciation is not a lot to ask. Life is to enjoy so please do it...but in a nice way of course

Do you have a friend that could have a quiet chat with your family, individually about how you feel? They are obviously in complete ignorance . as those closet to you often are.
I know a little about how you feel - when my nieces and nephews were little, along with my son, I often looked after them, took them out for the day ( their highlight was often catching a bus to go anywhere!) all paid for out of my own pocket. Nearly every weekend, one niece in particular used to come and stay and we used to shopping (her mum hated shopping)then through her teens we used to go to concerts together. That all stopped when she went to uni and now she is married, I only see her twice a year - usually my birthday and before her birthday! The others are just as bad!
I have obviously outlived my usefulness!
I just decided to go to concerts on my own ( met some lovely helpful people) and go shopping on my own or meet up with ex workmates.
Try voluntary work or join a group that do things you are interested in- you will make friends and a life for yourself.

You are the only one that can sort this out. Your AC and GK are not your life or they shouldn’t be. You would be a much more interesting and enjoyable person to be around if you had some outside interests. Art club, gardening group, knitting or sewing group, or book club. These are all skills that you can pass on to your GK, some of the best friends I’ve made recently have been made at toddlers groups. You have to be less available and more independent. You are actually relying on your AC’s for company. Learn to be busy and less available, they will appreciate you more in the long run

Get them all together, start with how much you love and enjoy them and the grandchildren but you would like to be visited for YOU as well. Not just as the childminder.
How fabulous you are. I have one grandchild, adorable but hard work all the same.
Well done you.

Just read the initial post, not the comments yet,

I was thinking, wouldn`t it be lovely if we all lived nearby each other, so none of us would have to say that we are lonely.

deep sighs

A happy medium surely? You cannot do this day in and day out without a break or some recognition of what a lovely mum/grandmother you are.

Take back a day or two each week. Find something to do that you like and make new friends. It might not be easy at first but you need more in your life xx

Grannytomany - think you have hit the nail on the head - My best friend (sadly dead now these past ten years), often complained to me that she had no friends. I did point out to her that one of the reasons was that she let people (including me) down often with arrangements if one of her children clicked their fingers at the last moment for childminding.
She desperately wanted to be needed by her children and they took advantage (do not think they realised it). I did tell her that to say 'No' occasionally - particularly when she did have other arrangements would actually earn their respect, but she could never bring herself to do this.
Even when she came with me on a weeks holiday, she returned back after 48 hours as one of them called to say she needed her for baby sitting!!!! When she visited one of her children in Australia, she complained to me, that they had not gone anywhere during her three weeks there, and had been given the new baby to hold almost as soon as she arrived. She said that this was done as if they were bestowing a great honour on her. But, she only said these things to me, NEVER to her children.
I made it very clear to my AC from the start that I have done my job of bringing them up, and my day for that is over. Whereas, I am happy - where possible to help out in any emergency, I am not in the business of child-minding any more. Did help once or twice a week with nearby daughter who became a single parent very early on - but that was it. When I visit my children, it is THEM I am visiting, the g.children are almost incidental - and they all appreciate that my own children are first for me.
Love my g.kids, obviously, but as I only see them occasionally, can be the 'Spoiling Grandma' on those occasions

I’m not sure that talking to the adult children is the right thing to do as it could as easily cause trouble and resentment as create solutions. Instead I’d do my damnest to find things to occupy myself out of the house and gradually and gently begin to make myself a bit less available.

I have 5 children and 13 grand and great grand children and know just how easy it is to fall into the routine (or trap) or it being assumed that you’re always available for childminding. I wasn’t very good at saying No for a long time and would often change my plans to fit in with what was being asked of me but there comes a time when enough is enough and I think I managed to wean myself away without upsetting anyone. I think often adult children think their parents love having their great children so much they can never have too much of a good thing.

It’s amazing though how they seemed to manage and find alternative arrangements as I became that bit less available.

I think there’s a few grandparents that possibly feel like you do, so many AC are so wrapped up in their day to day lives that they don’t give a thought that you could be feeling like this, I think you should speak to your AC and explain how you are feeling, but I also feel you should do things for yourself