Husband not welcome at family events

And what happens when your ex is gone? (at 94 he wont be around forever,its just a fact of life) will your sons STILL side with him?you should have nipped that in the bud 20yrs ago,your ex calling the shots! Did you leave your ex for the current hubby,is that why they've all closed ranks against him?

I don't think that adult children should be forced to have a relationship with a new partner and, unless your ex is taking a new partner, they have invited you and it is up to you whether you accept or not. I would in your position unless it is really going to upset your husband.
I met my husband's wife a couple of times but she wasn't particularly welcoming and I would not have continued to keep in touch with her. Being in different countries solved that problem.
You missed the wedding. It will be your choice if you miss the Christening but it sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face if you choose not to go.

Caro57 Quote [Perhaps your sons need to be told to grow up! Second (and more) marriages are more than common these days. ] End Quote

Perhaps her sons were left with their father to bring them up when he was in his retirement which could very much account for their attitude even to this present day.

In truth we do not know, and stating that any person should "grow up" when you are not in any way aware of the full facts demonstrates a very judgmental attitude by yourself Caro57.

My DH, his brothers, and his late mother all hated his step mother. who had been cast in the role of home wrecker by his mother, during their growing up!
However we didn’t even consider not including her in the wedding invite, despite his mothers objections, and she just had to bite the bullet, and attend on our terms or risk missing out on her eldest son’s wedding day.
So I find it odd that the son allowed this situation to prevail! as surely having your family celebrate with you is half the point of the day!

Well it looks like you left your husband when he was in his seventies (and you in your late 40’s? ) and married. Time flies in your later years. To your ex probably seems like yesterday and when you say it is because of his ‘attitude ‘ that your sons won’t invite your present husband couldn’t it also be described as because of their 94 year old father’s feelings? They know it would upset him. As a mother and grandmother you can attend. Sometimes the cost of our behaviour is high. From the little we know we assume that your first husband was deeply damaged by your leaving him. There might even have been a perceived betrayal. I doubt if the 94 year old ex is robust.
When I left my first husband our children were abandoned by him to punish me. If he’d have stuck by them I can imagine my new husband not being welcome. I’d have gone by myself. Rarely can you have your cake and eat it even if you think you deserve it. Life’s hard and full of difficult choices. I doubt if your present frail husband is desperate to attend whereas your first husband and father of the children will be much happier not having to face him. I’d sacrifice my comfort zone for theirs in this case. You don’t have to stay long.

* Sadly, I suspect the parents just want a christening for the opportunity to dress up, have a party and receive presents but don’t give a toss about the promises they’re making to their God in the Church.*

Judgemental. I imagine you typed this out looking like you were sucking on a lemon.

It would be useful to know whether your children socialise ok with your second husband apart from occasions where the first is present. Do you visit them and they you? Will new baby be able to visit and you to them? If it is just when first husband is around well, as has been said, a church is public. I'd go and sit in the public area with second husband if he wants to be there and then not go to the party if he can't. I'd have done the same at the weddings I think.

I would go alone.

Regardless of the history between the parents, the children should be adult enough to forgive and move forwards in their lives. A christening is the ideal opportunity for a fresh start.

Sadly, I suspect the parents just want a christening for the opportunity to dress up, have a party and receive presents but don’t give a toss about the promises they’re making to their God in the Church.

As an atheist, I’m appalled by these fake Christians who haven’t any interest in upholding supposed Christian values.

It is the impact on your future relationship with your grandson that probably counts the most, even if there is a difficult triangular relationship going on in the other generations for reasons unrelated to this grandchild. If you have been invited by your children to this happy event, especially if you missed their weddings. I'd go on my own in good spirit, rather than risk causing further upset in the family or driving a bigger wedge between you and your children. If your second husband is frail, perhaps you can find a friend to call in on him while you are out.

Are the children siding with their dad? Without knowing this I don't feel I can comment.

I feel very sorry for you Caroline.
I was in same position but my sons decided right from the start that they would invite both my 2nd husband & my ex. to all family events starting with 1st DGS first birthday party. I should state that I was to blame for the split up & 2nd husband much younger than first so you can see the potential problems!
It was awkward at first but now it is fine. I get on very well with my ex. ( he was always a really nice person (we just married far too young)& now he & DH2 can chat quite amicably. It took a while to settle but luckily we are all sensible people & all love the 6 DGC. It can be done with a bit of effort & a lot of goodwill.
Good luck!

We dont know enough background here but frankly, if it was go on your own or not at all, you should have been at the weddings. Perhaps you were not invited?

Assuming you were invited on your own your DH should have made you go. The christening is neither here nor there in context of marriage.

My half sister couldnt attend my other half sister's as she wouldn't go on her own. (She ran away n married alcoholic bf who could have caused a big scene at wedding. My dad had already thrown him out, hence the running away and likely scene.)

I've thought about this issue and really its all very sad.

I agree with Granddad about our not knowing the whole story. However it may be helpful to Carolyn to shed the notion that spouses have to do everything together.

If your husband is frail, then his health can always be the "excuse" if needed for him not attending the Christening, rather than your ex's demands? Does your husband want to go or is this about your wanting him to be there so you don't have to go alone? If so, is there anyone-else who could go with you - if you want moral support - such as a good friend? Otherwise, yes, send a present and wish them well on the day. I'm afraid that without giving us the background to the split, and why it's so acrimonious, it's very difficult to give you relevant advice.

I'd go on my own. I'd also have gone to the weddings as well. I don't think we need to be so glued to a partner than we can't go to events separately. Having said that, your ex is being horribly and ludicrously controlling. I wonder if he also pulls the age card... "I'm 94.." etc to get his own way. Good luck - but do go and enjoy the Christening.

Perhaps your sons need to be told to grow up! Second (and more) marriages are more than common these days. Have you asked If they have thought how they might feel if (hope it doesn’t happen) they divorced and remarried but you wouldn’t accept their new spouse to any event?

Your ex hub sounds a controlling bully. No wonder you divorced him. Can’t you both go along and just ignore him, completely blank him. It sounds to me he is still telling you what you can or cannot do. What a horrible man. I know what I would do.

Is the Christening/Baptism of your grandchild taking place in church?
As a public event in a public place, I thought anyone could attend.
This could be a compromise , maybe.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I agree with GagaJo .... I could never miss my children’s weddings for anyone! As others have said, everyone is welcome in a church so there’s nothing stopping you attending ... enjoy being present at your GC’s very special event. The service is the Important part, not the party afterwards. All the best

Just find out how your current husband feels about you going on your own. He may not mind as much as you fear. Or you may have asked him much earlier on in your relationship when he didn't feel as secure with you and he didn't want you to go without him at that time, but maybe 20 happy years later he'd say "yeah you go and have a nice time, I'll stay here and watch (whatever TV program you can't stand when you're together)"

My lot never met again after the acrimonious divorce. Neither came to anything, We invited them all, and left the choice up to them, so no one came.
They were not going to put anything before their own feelings. They were a amazingly selfish bunch.
We have one left now at 94, still angry and bitter.

Your husband is frail so I’d go alone - life is too short to miss out on these events. To reconnect with your family at a baby’s christening would be wonderful.
As previously stated none of us know the history between your ex and now husband. Build some bridges here don’t leave yourself with no options for the future. As for not going to a sons wedding ? After that I’d be delighted that I had been invited to the christening. Break it all down and just go! Enjoy and be happy that you have a GC

I have no idea what may have happened between your son's, their father and your present husband. It is very sad and I'm sorry your loyalties have been torn this way. However I would have still gone to my sons wedding without my husband and would also go to the christening alone. You say your husband is frail If that means he can not be left alone that makes it more difficult but I would have suggested respite care or asked a relative to stay with him for a while