Husband not welcome at family events

I agree grandad1943

Great intuition, reading between the lines Grandad 1943.

Totally agree with you grandad I’ve been looking for op to reply but as she hasnt I’m unable to give my view.

I believe that we may be thinking on the "same wavelength" in this matter Urmstongran?

For you and me to agree on anything in a thread, then this has to be a triumphant first. ?

I would think after 20 years of "auditioning for the approval of people who do not like him", your DH would be glad not to be invited and want you to go on your own.

I’m with you Grandad1943 we’ve only got half the back story here.

I find it telling that the OP has not returned to this thread to respect and answer some of the questions posed in regard to the conditions of the break up of her previous marriage.

The above may well be playing a large role in the past and present attitudes of her sons and her former husband as old wounds often do not entirely or positively heal.

Until such information is known I cannot feel that anyone can offer realistic advice on this situation.

I would go to the GC's Christening alone. Don't miss the event.

Starlady,

It was an autocorrect. I meant OP, not ok

Hithere, what's not ok? The AC telling the OP that her DH isn't welcome at the Christening? Or the OP's not going to events if her DH isn't welcome? Or??

OP, not ok

Ok

Do you mean your children are choosing to support your ex vs you?
Was there an ultimatum asking them to pick a side?

Why did your marriage end?

IMO, your AC should invite all parties and let whoever will show up. If your X doesn't want to be around your current DH, your X could choose not to come. Or he could choose to be there for his DSs and GC and never mind about your new DH.

But, clearly, that's not the case. I totally get it if you wish to stand by your DH and not attend events where he is not welcome. However, you might want to make an exception for milestone events or, at least, your GC's events. After all, it's not their fault their dads feel this way. Would you feel comfortable leaving DH at home to be there for your new GS at his Christening? Would DH be ok w/ it if you did?

I do wonder at the decisions made by the OP to miss the marriages of her children because her husband isn't able to go.

I would not miss those precious family events for anyone.

Whatever the reasons it sounds as if it’s either go alone or don’t go. I’d go alone (my husband and I have done years of family events alone as we have a disabled son).

Did you receive an invite to the weddings OP? Would you be welcome to the christening if you went on your own? Were you responsible for the marriage breakup?
Without knowing the answers I feel we don’t know enough to give a reasoned response.

I have always been comfortable to attend family do’s on my own, if other half not keen to go. I understand that it may be a little disappointing but it’s only a problem if you allow it to be. Best wishes

Im with Paddyanne on this one. Marriage splits can be very acrimonius and forgiveness not always easy, especially if someone went through years of hell at their ex-spouse or partners spitefulness and vindictiveness. Im not saying this is the case with the original poster, but no one really knows what goes on in relationship breakups.

I understand what you say Paddyanne but unless there are serious one sided faults then 20 years is a long time to be so vindictive. The children of the first marriage are adults now and should surely feel compassion for their mother. There must be some acceptable compromise.

I think people underestimate the hurt and harm caused in a marriage split.Some poeple walk away without thinking of the effects on their children and wider family .I know my GC are still having issues 10 years down the line and its their mum who has to deal with the tears and tantrums because "Dad" couldn't keep it in his pants and they were sidelined .The OP must have some idea why her family are more loyal to her ex and will perhaps have to attend events on her own .Its not ideal but families breaking up is never ideal

.

When you say you could not attend either of your sons’ weddings - do you mean you weren’t invited or your husband wasn’t invited and you didn’t want to attend without him?

If it’s the latter then I think you should just go to family events on your own. Do you know why they won’t accept your husband after 20 years? That’s very sad.

Whatever the reason new husband isn't accepted, you need to go to your family events. Not the end of the world if he can't go. Go alone!

Asnyour children are apparently not telling their father he doesn’t get to cal the shots can you not attend alone?

Crossed post with eazybee, who is correct when she says "It is not for your ex husband or your son either, to say who is welcome in the church."

Certainly is a long time to bear a grudge. Why should your ex husband be the one to call all the shots.
Like NanaRayna says, be glad you are not married to him now!

I would give your son a present for your grandchild as a Christening gift, but not attend the ceremony on your own.

If you attend without your husband you are allowing your ex husband to bully you into doing as he wishes, perhaps he used to do that while you were married.