Husband not welcome at family events

I do wish people would not jump to conclusions when an OP doesn’t return to a thread! It may be nothing to do with not being bothered! There may be an illness or a death or any number of good reasons why she isn’t online! 2 years ago not long after I posted a question I had to have emergency surgery and was in HDU for several days and “out of it” for many more, I would have been mortified if people had assumed that my lack of response was down to not being bothered!

would you feel ok with leaving your husband at home ,seeing that he is frail. and the journey might be too much for him .is there anyone who could sit with him for the day?or maybe he could go into respite care for the day?and you go to gs christening...

I find this all rather strange. If i’m Invited to an event I go if I can. If i’m Not invited I don’t go. Why would you current husband want to be forced to be allowed to go? I love this new modern attitude. My dd and her partner have been together for years but even now one of them may be invited to a wedding and not the other. They don’t bat an eyelid. A very old family friend got married and invited me, my older daughter and my grand-daughter to her wedding. I didn’t think that the invitation was odd at all. We went and had a great time. I don’t think other family members felt left out. They did something else. My ex was abusive to me. The only way to stop the abuse was to cut off all contact. This included an injunction. My children respect that. They know that if they invite me their dad can’t go. He can be awkward but I never am. If they invite him I don’t get an invite. I’m happy with that.

I’m so sorry for you. Families can be so complicated. If it feels right for you, go alone and then that is one olive branch to them and maybe you can resolve matters, one step at a time.

Why is the X calling all the shots. Iif he is saying if her husband goes he wont, then the son should say -OK stay away. It is the sons right to invite who he wants at his childs christening. Missing two sons weddings because of a miserable old man seems wrong. Of course we dont know all the story.

Why not go alone to such family events? It seems a shame to miss them, and let's face it they are not your DH's relatives.

If it doesn’t upset your husband too much I would go alone to the church to see the baby christened , have a photo with baby and parents, ignore ex and go home.

Sometimes people just ask a question because they want other people to be on their team, but without knowing some of the family history, or at least the point of view of the 'other side' I really don't see how it is possible to make assumptions. Most adult children come to accept both parents in the end and this particular one appears not to have done so for some reason, we know not what.

Carolyn1950. I am sorry you are suffering from this. I think I could only suggest that you attend the Baptism alone.

As we do not know all the details it's impossible to know what is best. It does seem a long time to hold a grudge though, but sometimes there can be pain that is not possible to overcome.... Maybe your previous husband's recalcitrance is a clue as to why you are no longer married to him.... Whatever the reason, maybe it's best just to accept the things we cannot change and find a way round it.

Following my husband's death, his brother was so bitter and rude to me that it would not matter how many years passed, I would not ever be able to be in the same room with him again.

Nezumi65. I am sad to hear that your son is disabled, but I think you and your husband are the good example of the best common sense way to deal with things. It was kind of you to write and tell us and demonstrate that people do manage to keep going when life gives them a situation which means finding ways of coping with something more demanding, and just take in their stride what might seem difficult to others.

How ruddy childish!

Why do you let anyone tell you what to do
Go if you want
Leave the children to have their tantrums
A bit old for this aren't they
Can not believe you would miss out on family events because of this controlling behaviour

What a way to behave! At his age he should know better. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness in life - maybe your ex should be the one to miss out if he feels so strongly.

Well, for all those criticising the OPs ex-husband and her sons for their attitudes in this situation, I would direct their attention to the attitude of the opening poster in regard to this thread.

Having requested advice with the situation she claims to have found herself in, she then cannot even return to this thread to respond to all who have taken the time and trouble to give the advice the OP requested.

Perhaps the above demonstrates the attitude of the opening poster to others, and in that the root cause of her problems.

Emotions can run high and weddings and funerals have a tendency to bring this out in people.There is nothing to stop you attending your GS christening on your own as much as this may upset you if this is the only way having already missed both your S weddings. Clearly your ex is holding the whip. Are you to be forever letting this man control you ?He cannot prevent you entering a place of worship and attempting to do this is not in his own interests if he has any consideration for your and his sons.

I agree.

When an OP doesn’t come back to give us essential information then I think we are wasting our time.
Don’t you?

Clearly the ex is a very controlling manipulative person

Not necessarily. I know someone who couldn’t bear to be in the same room as her ex - and given her ex’s behaviour when they were married I didn’t blame her. He was an absolute stinker and she was very close to her children who had witnessed what he’d done. I’m not saying that the OP had behaved in the same way but in the absence of a response from the OP it’s impossible to know who’s being unreasonable.

Rereading this, Caroline (if you're still here), I realize it's not clear if you "couldn't" attend your DSs weddings b/c of your X' feelings or b/c your DSs were angry at you (perhaps for leaving their dad). In fact, I'm not sure if they didn't invite you or said (as one of them is saying now) that your 2nd DH wasn't welcome and left it up to you whether to attend or not.

If it was the last one, apparently, you chose to stick by DH and stay away from the weddings. Now you seem to be uncertain as to whether or not to make the same choice regarding GS' Christening. What has changed?

Also, I'm not clear on why you mention that DH is "frail." Is that why XH doesn't want to be in the same room w/ him (you mention it in the same sentence)? Or do you feel you can't leave him home alone? Or do you feel he can't attend an event like a Christening, anyhow, that it would be too stressful for him? The answer makes a difference, I think.

I agree with grandad 1943... Carolyn asking for advice but when pressed for more detail to enable us to advise....can’t be bothered to clarify... says it all really....

I think this is a "control" aspect. The OP says her ex won't be in the same room as her husband of 20 years and this is impacting on family events. Clearly the ex is a very controlling manipulative person. My ex is just the same, won't attend anything that I attend, walks out of family homes if I show up etc etc. He was like that all through our disasterous marriage, always had to have the upper hand, always called the shots, always had the final say! Miserable bugger!!!! In support of the OP I would say to stand her ground, speak to other family members and fight your husbands corner. I often suspect that people like that are bank rolling the ones involved.

It maybe that the adult children show priority to their father because he is on his own whereas Mum is ok with someone to share her life with. I think it very selfish to deny Mum a place a her sons weddings. Carolyn 1950, go to the Christening on your own. Make no drama about it. Make sure you spend time with your sons and grandchildren in the future. Perhaps your adult children can welcome your second husband at times when their father is not present?

Either you go alone to the christening or you stay away as you did the weddings.

How does your husband feel about you attending without him?

Do you see your sons at other times?

You have put up with your sons' vindictive father ruling the roost for twenty years, so I wonder why you expected or hoped him to change now.

As far as I can see there is no right or wrong solution here, other than the one you feel will cause least harm.

I am truly sorry you have this trouble and sadness.

In your place, I think I would stay at home and not attend.

I can totally understand if you wish to stand by your husband and not attend events that he’s not been invited to, but to be honest I wouldn’t miss my AC weddings because of it, I would go along to see my grandson christening too, your ex has a right attitude on him spanning all these years doesn’t he, but we don’t know the circumstances behind this

Why doesn't the OP respond to the various questions from others on here? It is impossible to reply without understanding the situation fully.

Been there, got that t shirt. In fact, even I couldn't attend weddings etc. Emotional blackmail, put the kids in a terrible position.