Struggling with Son living abroad

My son went off to the USA some years ago to marry a girl he had met through a gaming site on the internet. Although I was worried initially he was in his 30's and old enough to know what he was doing. They are now happily married and I have two grandchildren in the USA. I am so grateful he has finally found someone he can be happy with after four engagements that ended unhappily here in the UK. I no longer need to worry about him as my D-i-L takes care of all that We keep in touch over the internet and I am hoping to get to visit them this year. He cannot leave the USA because he has not completed his citizenship yet and would not be allowed back in if he came here to visit. My advice would be to try to enjoy what contact you have and keep the thought that he is happy and settled in your mind as that does count for a lot xx

You were the ones who moved abroad in the first place, though. Even though your son was young he felt the pull of home.

Be happy for him.

Our son is our only child and has lived far away from us a few times in his life. He is now a mile away because my husband is ill and because he and his wife (who are now divorcing) needed our help with childcare and housing. I would say the same thing that others have said, which is that what is most important is our children’s happiness. Our son was not necessarily happy when he was far away for various reasons and that was more of a concern for me than the fact that he was far away. I’m not trying to use “the grass is always greener” cliche because I don’t think that helps. I’m just saying that the best thing that our children do is to make happy and productive lives for themselves. Would we like them to do it next door to us, sure, but that doesn’t always work. I remember the first time our son went away for two years my dad said that I must have been a terrible mother because he went so far away - he was a very provincial guy who lived his entire life in the same small town where he grew up (apart from when he was in the army during WWII) and that generation believed you stayed close to home. I replied that I felt I’d done a good job as a mom because he had the independence to move away. I’ve seen an item online that is a lamp and each person can touch theirs and the other person’s will light up - it’s a way of letting the other person know they’re thinking of them and sending love. It’s not the same as FaceTime or Skype and it’s a gimmick I guess but I thought it was sweet.

I always had massive respect for my parents who never ever made me feel guilty for living abroad. In the 70s- the UK was a very far place- with massively expensive flights. I visited them twice with a baby and a toddler, by train... a massive undertaking before EuroStar.

They loved coming to visit, and they always came for Christmas as we could not travel due to OH's job.

Whenever I said I felt guilty for not being there for them, as they got much older (they were fit as fiddles, mum into her 80s and dad into his 90s) - they always said they were so happy I had a wonderful life, with a great man and family. I will always be so grateful for that- as I have so many friends whose parents made them feel bad all the time about 'abandonning them' etc.

A very dear relative told me once that “you keep your children by letting them go”. Over the years I have found that to be so very true.

I completely understand that your children must make their own lives but I’ve seen some rather unkind responses to this post. I’m in a very fortunate position and both my daughters are just around the corner, I would be so sad if they made the decision to move away whilst understanding why. FaceTime is a lovely way to stay in touch or Skype or even old fashioned letters. I hope you find ways to cope with the distance, don’t feel you are wrong to feel this way it’s only natural.

Greengran78 I do feel for you , and everyone else missing families.

red1 hope you do, id love to move nearer too it has been suggested very daunting though as prices are higher than here so would have a bit of a gap of price.

I was the one who moved away, and it was difficult for my parents and at times I missed them very much too.

You miss your son and his family, and I am sure he misses you too, though he may not want to admit it.

Try to focus on the positive things here: you visit him and visits you and you get on well with his partner.

This being so, you are in a position that all the gransnetters who don't get on with their DILS will envy you.

I know this probably doesn't help much, but today there is skype, e-mail and facebook plus all the other modern media.

In the 1970s I sometimes waited a week for a letter from my mum and was certain something was wrong before it came. You at least don't have to contend with that,

I don’t know how to help really it must be hard though. My daughter lives three hours away and she sees her new partners Mum and Dad more than us now. They are very nice people and I am happy she has them to depend on it was a worry when she was on her own

JoJo1515 Your son visits you once a year and you also may visit him. This is more contact than many people have who live in the same country. As others have said there is Skype and Face time and no doubt your GD will visit you when she is old enough

One thing that struck me about your upset is that your family whom you left is "smug." If I were you, I'd try to get that out of your mind and, if you can't, seek help for working through this as time has obviously not healed your wounds.
One of our jobs as parents is to give our children wings to fly. If you don't, you end up with unhappy adults who are unable to cope, end up in co-dependant relationships, suffer from anxiety and a host of problems that go along with those scenarios. You have obviously done a sterling job in bringing your son up to fly so feel good that he soared to new lands rather than escaping like you had to.

I feel sorry that you’re in this situation. I have a son and a daughter living abroad and between them there are 6 grandchildren. It’s all very well giving logical answers such as saying that young people make their own lives but emotionally it leaves us in a sad space. It’s the emotional side that needs a space to process. I have spoken with others and taken ‘time out’ to think and work through my emotions without trying to put a ‘logical’ solution into the emotional space. This takes time and lots of patience with ourselves. Hope you feel a little happier soon

Thank you Jura 2 . Good advice

It's hard to begin with. For me, personally, I found that it's a shift in the mindset that helped me deal with it. You just have to "train" yourself to see him as being miles away and therefore a hug or a crack at a quip isn't going to be instant. There isn't any one way to deal with this, but with time, you just get used to it. I missed the giggles and the high fives with mine - still do, but I now smile at the memories.

Stop dwelling on this, enjoy a good life with your husband. Sometimes you have to let children fly the nest then fly home again. I had 3 great years working in Australia but the call of home in the New Forest brought me home again, appreciating it so much more.

If an adult child lived too far to visit often - I would not go and stay for longer than 2 weeks with them, at a time. I would rent a place nearby so I could stay longer without being 'a burden'. I say this because my parents used to come and stay for 3 weeks at a time, and it was hard work. They always broke up their stay, when they were still fit enough- and go away on a couple of days on a trip to visit some place- so we could all get a 'breather'. We do the same for DDs- and never stay more than a few days without giving them - and us- a break. They do the same when they come here- and do their own thing every few days.

Hello . Help ! My son and family moved abroad last month. I am very happy for them as ot is a great opportunity for them all. The problem is I would like to facetime. I look dreadful on the screen and don t know how to position the ipad? I seem to be looking sideways at the screen and startled . Have you any advice ? Thank you

its tough when someone moves away.I think its a process that you go through,a sort of grieving process,with its associated stages.My son moved to where his wife was born-'you lose a son when he gets a wife' I definately went through a range of thoughts/emotions, Im at a stage now that next year Im going to live near them,the thought of the move makes me dizzy,but i want to be near them.It is different for everyone really.good luck

Jojo, all you can do is learn to accept the situation, which isn’t easy. Four of my five children emigrated to Australia, between 8 and 21 years ago. My daughter and her two children divorced, and came back, and are now living near me. When we went over for my daughter’s wedding, last November, my GS decided to stay, and live with his father, at least for a while, but he may settle there.
I am going back in April, for the arrival of my son’s first baby, but it may be my last visit. It breaks my heart to think that I may never see them again ‘in the flesh’. It’s very expensive for a whole family to fly here, and I am 80, and the journey gets harder to cope with.
I just give thanks for computers, and the chance to have regular chats, especially with my 3-year old GD. She often chats to me while she eats her breakfast. It means that I get to bed late, but I love it.
So, Jojo, all I can repeat is that you have to gradually get used to the situation, visit them, if you can, and chat to them as often as possible. It grows easier, over time.

I understand but we just have to get over it. I used to visit and so did they but I can no longer make that journey, nor afford to bring their still expanding large family over here. I hate that there is a set of cousins who don’t see the two other sets who are close to each other and most of all I hate not being there for them when illness or accidents occur. But it is what it is and thank goodness for the Internet with all its faults. My advice would be to keep busy and be glad that they are happy.

If your extended family are being smug (& therefore cruel) about "having him back" then surely that proves your initial move away was the right thing to do. Rest assured that no matter where he is in the world he will always be your son & you his mum. The parting just has to be endured and you will put a brave face on because you love each other. I do understand.

It gets easier but never easy. I will always be so very sad that my children don't live in the same country. I think to myself how many years have I got left of being able to enjoy visits. I'm not well enough to visit much and they rarely visit. One week a year amounts to seeing them 5 weeks in the next 5 years. I will never have them dropping in for a quick chat and a cuppa. I will never have Saturdays shopping with my daughter.. I just get on with my life and try not to think about it. That's all the advice I can offer.

Jojo, my son and his family moved to USA last year, and I empathise with how you feel. It has been very difficult, I have felt depressed at times, but you will adapt, make the most of technology, it’s not the same but makes them feel so much closer. I have started letter writing (not done for a long time) to my granddaughters, with stories and pictures, stickers and other stuff for them to craft with. I receive paintings and crafts from them, so still have those treasured paintings. We play games across FT, have made gingerbread together at Christmas. Thankfully I have a lovely DIL who encourages this. As grandchildren are only 3 and 18mths conversations are patchy, I makes me smile when 3 year old tells mum and dad she has not finished chatting yet, or says she has finished and switches off FT. With time difference it has been difficult to talk to son and dil without gk around, which I miss.
We have been to visit them and plan to go again in April, hopefully they will come to UK to visit again soon. Think they plan to make the move permanent, secretly hoping they would return, but would not say this to them. Someone said to me when they made the move, be proud you have given them a good, supportive life, they are confident to make the move and rise to challenges.
Visit your son and his family.
Last year we probably saw more of family, staying with them for 2 x 2 weeks, we probably would not have seen them so much in UK, it condenses our time together, is hard to leave, having a flight booked to see them again makes it easier. At least I am not counting the days til we will be together again.
Am retired now and taken up new and old interests. Wishing you all the best.

Depends very much how far 'abroad' ...

we would have never moved away unless we could hop on a plane or train, or the car- and be back with DDs and GCs in 1 day. And we kept a small property there too- so we can always go back in an emergency. So are you in the EU or on the other side of the world?