Struggling with Son living abroad

JoJo1515, I am sorry to say that you will simply have to learn to live with this. Our DS (only child) & DiL have lived overseas for over twenty years. Now there are two DGC, too. We communicate as often as we can, and I am very grateful for all the modern technology (Skype, etc.) which makes this easy. Annual visits have helped a lot, but sadly the current coronavirus issue means that we haven't booked to go over this summer. When I get sad, I remind myself that they are having a wonderful and happy life - and isn't that everything we hope for our children?

My son, DIL and DGD moved to another country, only for a year, but I know it is difficult. They are back now, though still 200 miles away so we don't see a lot of them. They now have two children and a baby on the way. We do have two daughters and four other grandchildren who all live fairly close by. All three adult children got on well as children though they are very different. The two girls hardly see each other nowadays, both have two children and work full time. So even though nearby they aren't a big part of each other's lives. We see the local GC regularly, childcare, which is lovely. Their parents we only see fleetingly but in a crisis everyone comes together. No solutions just pointing out that everyone's lives are so busy nowadays one just has to appreciate the good times and find other activities and people to fill the gaps. Good luck.

Hi Jojo. I can totally understand where you're coming from. My youngest son left home nearly two years ago to travel and teach in China. He did manage to come home for 3 weeks last Sept and we had a wonderful time. We video chat at least two times a week, which is amazing considering the 8 hour time difference. I know that if he does ever come home he will only come bavk temporarily as he wants to travel the globe. I've resigned myself that this is the way it is and I'm so proud of him to have the courage to do, but i also miss him tremendously, unfortunately my husband and myself can't visit him as I'm on medication that is currently banned in China and we wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. We live in a very rural part of Cornwall and there are not many opportunities here for the up and coming. My eldest son also lives in Sheffield so we don't get to see him much either, he is settled with his partner and is unlikely to return to Cornwall, but he is hapoy with his choices and has an amazing job where he is also very happy.

Focus on the fact that your on is happy and making a wonderful lif for he and his family, its hard especially if you're very close, I'm extremely close to my youngest son. Try to push the extended families views away as these negative feelings will hurt you and treasure every moment you get to see and speak to your son. Good luck.

My much-loved firstborn son reached middle life, loving, shy and moderately successful, but very much a bachelor. He was then swept off his feet by a girl from far, far away and he moved to a totally different culture where her family welcomed him in and taught him their ways. Four years on and he has a much better job, is quickly mastering the local language and is happy. All credit due to him, he has moved well beyond our family's expectations and, being a bit reserved myself and considerate of his feelings, I have let him go, although we sometimes speak on Skype. I concentrate on his siblings' lives now. Our old family life was good, but it's gone and the dynamics of my daily life are quite different now.

You made the right decision for your self and now he has made right decision for his self . Rather than look on negative side try and find some positives . When I lived abroad my in laws started by coming for 2 weeks , then they were coming for 3 months at a time . Also because they didn't see my children all the time . The time they spent together was quality time . What you have to remember is that your son is happy and that's all any parent can ask for .

My son moved to Belgium 2 years ago for work, before that t was Holland. Not too far away but far enough. I miss him terribly but he comes back home as often as he can. He is having the time of his life, has met a lovely girl and enjoying every moment there even though he gets homesick now and again. He is 34 and when feeling homesick he always sends me a loving message. We talk often and when he visits we make the most of his short time here. It is something in life we have to accept that our children will find their own way in life and do what makes them happy. We have to support them in their decisions, if we don't then we will have to accept the fact that they will stay away for good. I definitely prefer to support him every step of the way and see him as and when we can

You just have to accept that he has chosen to live somewhere else. I suspect you are more concerned about the smugness of the family he lives near now.
He is your son and keeping in touch is easier now than 40+ years ago when my only brother emigrated to Australia. Keep communicating, visit when you can as should he but be proud and content that he has done so well. The world is so much smaller these days.

As others have said, yes, it does become easier. My son has returned to his birthplace and although I thought it would just be for a few years, I now don’t think he’ll ever come home.

I find that one thing I love and that makes me feel closer is being able to send little WhatsApp messages and videos. These, unlike FaceTime, Skype etc he sees and responds to when he happens to have a moment. We can both see if we happen to be online at the same time and then we often have little impromptu WhatsApp calls. These little chats are usually short but it does feel like touching-base unexpectedly is a bit of a treat! We do have a family group too and he often pops up there to say thing/stir things up a bit (?).

Like your son, his relationship with siblings is altered. I know this is inevitable because we all “know him” and his life, so much less completely.
We see him maybe once a year. We have only visited once and he comes back here for weddings only. Once his “old” friends and family are all married I suppose he will come back even less. He has no time or inclination to visit otherwise and the costs, both financial and time-wise are considerable.

I love him dearly and am thankful that he has a really loving, smart and lively girlfriend as I think I’d worry more if he was alone.

Take heart. It WILL get easier.

My son lives 5000 miles away and has done so for the last 17 years. I'm happy that he is happy with a lovely fiance but I do have times when I grieve for him, it's only natural. I have a family WhatsApp and keep in regular contact.

My daughter emigrated to Australia 12 years ago and her brother followed 3 years later and of course empty nest syndrome was terrible. We meet up annually and you gradually learn to accept that life didn’t turn out the way you expected it to and slowly adapt to it. I FaceTime with one or other of them most weeks and there’s often brief text chats in between. It makes the distance seem so much less and you learn that that’s the way of life now and get on with your own life to add to the chats.

Goodness me JoJo15 you have virtually written my story! Certainly we took a job abroad for very similar reasons. You are not alone! I understand xx

Possibly moving away from your families has meant that you have seen the family you created as a lasting unit.

But it really doesn’t work like that for the vast majority of people.

We are a family unit for as long as it takes for children to grow up and then they go off to make their own. Quite a lot of difficulties seem to arise when parents are determined and desperate to hold “their family” together and the pressures are often quite subtle and unacknowledged.

So congratulations you’ve avoided that trap!

I don’t want to sound trite but sometimes reframing can help.
From “he only comes once a year” to “he comes every year”. “My son has gone to live abroad’ to ‘My daughters live close to me”. (just an example). Putting it differently in words sometimes helps us to feel differently about things.

My heart is with you. Please be proud of the way you have raised him to be a strong and independent young man. He has found a path that is wonderful for him and his future.
The opposite to this might be a clingy son who relies on you for support snd decision making and cannot find his own way in life.
Good luck with the next chapter of your life.

My son settled abroad around 14 years ago and initially I thought he’d come back ‘home’. However, he settled, married and has two gorgeous children. How do I cope? It’s definitely easier as the situation has become our norm. We do our best to see them at least once a year and in between we FaceTime. After we’ve visited, which we did last month, I am unsettled for a week or two until I settle back into a routine, but I really truly miss holding the children, hugging them and just being a part of their lives. You will, like me find your own way of dealing with the situation and I have to admit it has become easier as time has passed.

Both of our sons live the other side of the world, both happily married and have children. I know FT etc is not the same but I just feel glad that we are all in contact, thankfully able to visit twice a year at present. Yes sometimes are harder than others but compared to some who are estranged we’re very lucky. So count your blessings.

He’s just done the same as you did. You can’t complain - it’s not all about you.

My son moved to Canada 7 years ago and has a lovely live-in girlfriend. We maybe see him once a year (if we’re lucky) but his life is in Canada now and he is happy (and safe!) there. We have a family Whatsapp group and are in regular contact with chats between the immediate family, so feel connected that way. Previously he lived in London and to be honest, although we ‘talked’ all the time, we didn’t see him that often then.
We usually book a house in France in the summertime, where any of our 3 children (and their partners and children) can join us for the price of a flight, so at least we regroup as a unit once a year. Is this something you could afford to do?

BlueBelle has said it all jojo your son is happy and well so be content with that. So many ways to keep in touch now, my daughter moved to USA many years ago long before Skype, Facetime etc, we wrote letters, sent photos and visited when time and finances allowed. Accept things as they are and make the most of tech contact.
Not sure that moving back is the answer for several reasons.

Could you move back if seeing your son and grandchild is your biggest priority?

My eldest lives on the other side of the world too. I am used to it and we Skype and email often. He visits once a year. His brother lives only a half hour drive away, yet I don't see him very often either.

I think boys tend to 'belong' more to their partner's families, as often it's the women who make arrangements for socialising. Of course, girls tend to be closer to their mothers. I see one daughter more often than the other, who lives further away.

They tend to miss me way before I miss them. I enjoy having the grandchildren (occasionally) but have my own life and no 'need to be needed' as I feel my role as mother of four is all done and dusted!

I read yesterday that ‘our grown up children are people we used to know’.
Keep in touch with your family but accept that they have their own lives to live

My son moved away ( the furthest possible place?) 22 years ago has two grown children and a brilliantly productive lifestyle with a lovely wife he doesn’t have a lot of contact with his sisters they ve not fell out but distance, complete opposite time difference, and thousands of expensive miles makes it difficult I only get to see him every few years we talk every week but of course it’s not the same but ....
It’s their life, their choices and I back them 100% and get on with my own life surely the very reason we bring up our children is to give them the foundations to fly for themselves in whichever direction they choose but to be there if their wings fail
I love my son as much now as the day he was born but my job of nurturing him is long over
jojo you don’t need help, feelings are yours we can’t erase them, but acceptance is also for you to discover and the peace that follows
Good luck you re nearly there x

The fact is nobody can actually tell you how to cope. My son lives on the other side of the world and I miss him horribly but he has made a happy life for himself and he makes it clear that he still loves me with texts calls FaceTime thoughtful presents etc and all you can do it let yourself be sad and have a good weep when it hits you hard but then get on with other things in your life.there is no magic wand.

Thankyou tanith. Its reassuring knowing what I feel is normal. I feel happy knowing he had the confidence to move and is happy with it. His new partner is lovely and she does indeed send us regular photos. Thankyou again tanith for your wise word

My son also moved abroad 12 yrs ago and now has two adorable children with his lovely partner. He is very happy and I know will never come ‘home’ as this is no longer his home. I and his sisters and all the nieces and nephews miss him greatly but it is what it is. I visit when I can and he likewise it’s only once or twice a year and it breaks my heart but he is very happy and I have to content myself with that thought.
I keep in touch via FB messenger/WhatsApp with him and his partner and am content that she sends me pictures and tales of their life.
Be happy that he’s happy and you’ll find it gets a little easier.