During lockdown, my DIL has told my son she wants divorce

Annali, very sorry to hear this. Sadly I think many will find themselves in this situation. The only thing I can advise is stay neutral or out of it as much as possible. Obviously support your son, grandchild if needed. Stay on civil terms with your DinLaw if possible. Sadly, its really between the couple but offer practical support and where possible do not comment on anything unless your opinion is asked for.

I am so very sorry to hear your news and to know how upset you. As others have already said do not let your son leave his home. Why should it be a matter of course that he leave? It may be the property if owned needs to be sold and each find somewhere else to live. It may be that his wife has been thinking and planning her move for some time or it has been brought about with the stress of being on lockdown. Anyway it will be impossible for anyone to view properties etc in the current situation.

I do hope there can be an outcome that will be the best for all parties not just one.

I do think that the first post in here from Hithere, gave you very, very good advice. It is so difficult when things happen in the lives of our adult children and makes them unhappy. Our instinct is to rush to them and bring them back with us. None of this is possible at present and neither is the usually a good thing to do.
Your son and his wife are parents, they have a first duty to their child, secondly to each other and (it has to be said_) only then to you.
My daughter broke with her partner in very difficult circumstances - he took money from her and for some time she was getting people coming round saying he had used their joint house against loans he took out
They had a young child, and it broke my heart before he left, when she asked one day if she could come back to my house as she did not want to go back to hers. They were spending so much time arguing and fighting.
When he did finally go - we lent my daughter the money to buy him out of the joint mortgage, I wanted him to disappear of the face of the earth,.
My daughter thought differently, he was their daughters father, and she somehow managed to keep them having some sort of relationship. He never gave any money towards her keep, but did see her and sometimes took her out.
As the years past I realised how very wrong (if understandable), my reaction had been.
My G.daughter had a great relationship with her Dad, and some wonderful memories. Unfortunately, he died when she was 16 years of age, it was my daughter who, along with his mum, were with him in those last dreadful weeks (Cancer).
My g.daughter did not have her life disrupted when he died, as her life - in her memory - had always been just her and her mum, but she has good memories of her dad and can feel proud of him.
I did apologise to my daughter and admit to her how wrong I had been.

Tell him to stay put and sort things out later. I am not sure why he is contemplating moving out at this difficult time.

Annali - really sad news but whilst your son might be looking for a place to live, he can't actually do anything about that right now and nor should he because if he leaves the house his visits to his child might be curtailed as his isolation will be broken. I read yesterday that some Hollywood stars who have been divorced have actually moved back in together to ensure they can both be with their kids during lockdown - of course they probably all have huge properties where they can each have their private space. I wonder whether in your son's case he might move into a different bedroom to see how that works. I would definitely advise him against trying to move out right now.

I'm so sorry Annali; upsetting news at the best of times but so much harder at the moment.

I agree with scrabble. He's unlikely to be able to find somewhere else to live and the decision to move out would be better left until both he and your d.i.l. have had some legal advice.

There needs to be an agreement in place for example to ensure his continued contact with his young son and it's unlikely that either of them will be able to access the advice they need while this lock down continues.

As difficult as it will be, you need to keep your emotions about this to yourself so you can give him the practical and emotional support he needs.

Only one piece of advice for him - get everything written down in ink. There'll be talk now of sharing custody, visits, birthdays, holidays and so on. There'll be talk now of disinterest in maintenance, support or repayments. There'll be talk now of sharing and splitting things equally. In only a few months' time, this will change - quite a bit. Get it written down in ink in a book, and both sign it. It may not be legally binding but, when it comes to drawing up legal agreements, these contemporaneous notes are gold!

...... you can’t help ... all you can do is listen,listen and yet more listening. I’ve just been through this with my daughter separating from her husband of 12 years, they have boy 13 and girl 8. Although she’s been the one to move as their family home would’ve been too expensive for her salary. She moved into their rented home ,after giving the tenants 6 months notice that stretched into 9. They have the kids week and week about ( they live within 2 miles of each other).....the kids had just about become accustomed to it all, when Covid 19 happened.She is in shielded so had to give up the kids full time for 3 months. She is on her own, devastated, I can’t comfort her , she can’t come here. She talks to kids every day on FaceTime ...,but.... I feel for your son , and you, because if your anything like me you will shed a barrel load of tears over this. But there is light for him and you ,please believe that.flowers

Some brilliant advice been given on here already.

I would hasten to add - Please be very careful what you say when he's Facetiming you or even when speaking on the phone. If you're on the phone, you could be on 'speaker' and can be clearly overheard by anybody in the same house of the other person - similar with Facetime!

This situation could just 'sort itself out' once the Covid-19 isolation is over and done with - and everybody gets their own 'breathing space' back again ........................... you certainly don't need anything that you may have said 'in the heat of the moment' to be a permanent stumbling block IF they stay together.

It's been noted that in normal daily life, families spend on average two and a half hours together . Now they are in lockdown they spend their time ' Getting to Know you (as the song goes) and are predicting huge surge in divorces ( and a baby boon!)

Sadly, the current situation seems to have brought things to a head for your son and his wife. I am so sorry to hear of your plight. There's not a ;ot we as parents can do apart from be there for them when they need us.

Such a difficult time to try to find somewhere else to live. Are landlords, agents actually doing viewings just now? If your DS knows someone who can give him a room would they want to have someone move in given the lockdown. I have only read your posting, no responses from others as no time and would suggest DiL must surely understand DS can't just up and move out.

I am in lock down with a man I had known for 6 weeks. Crazy 8 know! All has been idyllic truly magical and despite my reservations we are getting on so well I moved into his house and domestically all well But we have fallen out because he says I drink too much! Despite the fact he has enough beer in to stock a small shop and 5pm is beer and snack time I apparently consume too much wine 4 glasses to his 4 beers Yes it is a bottle but I have do e it for years and I don't get drunk! But he has gone cold and apparently this is the issue as in his last relationship she drank on an alcoholic scale I can't imagine life without a glass of something I am perfect apparently in all other respects But I don't want to be blinking perfect just me

Dortie45

He may have a point about the alcohol intake. A bottle a day is excessive AND you dont get drunk - another red flag
If you cannot imagine not drinking everyday, you have a problem

Apparently its said that yes,there will be many divorces after this...i dont think we are 'allowed' to move at the moment are we?? Maybe they can avoid each other in their own home till after lockdown and maybe by then theyl have sorted their problems out? The enforced togetherness wont have helped so maybe it would be worth their giving it a little time,as theyve not been married very long.

And Dortie45,i think the guys hypocritical if HE can have 4beers,but YOU cant have 4 drinks as well??? I wouldnt have saddled yourself to a guy you barely know for a lockdown on this scale- it could end up months- for all you know it could have been HIM who was the drinker in his other relationship- youve no way of proving either way- and like you maybe shes just matched his drinks? (y'know,like in a pub,"lets have another round") dont let his drinking drag you down further..he sounds like a alcoholic himself if hes got so much beer in??definitately a hypercrite and who'd want to live with one of those.it might have been a magical time but it could turn sour.(more sour?) Id be very careful if i were you,where this mans concerned,hes already turned cold for just doing exactly same as he his,but no mention of him stopping or cutting down his drinks?? Try see if you can have a drink free day in between drinking days just to prove to yourself you can- & see what happens- if he cant,wont,or doesnt then maybe HE is the one with the real problem?what about your home where you had before you moved in with him?? Is that still there for you if you needed it?? If so you maybe are better off there while lockdowns on,particularly as you dont know him well,if anything turned worse? Be careful please.

Now its clearer Saggi- about your daughters situation without the kids- but sheilded or not,i certainly wouldnt have relinquished my kids over to my ex for 3mths or however long this will end up- id have had them back right at beginning of this and just kept my safe distance in the house from them...that sounds like the ex's suggestion...

I would advise your DS to stay put and see what happens. They will both need to consult solicitors, they will then go to mediation where they can work out financial matters and child responsibility. It may be that the house will have to be sold and both will need to find a property. All you can do for your DS at the moment is to keep assuring him that you will be there for him. It may also be that as this is such a stressful time anyway he may need to ask his GP for help to get him through. I'd agree about never saying anything bad about your DIL but don't think this will necessarily stop her from thinking the worst of you. It would be lovely to think you could have a good relationship with her but it may not be possible. If your DS takes shared responsibility for your GC that may be the time you see him. Try to stay strong it's an awful time for this to happen and it could take a long time to sort out.

Having been in a similar situation my advice would be to step
back and not get involved. Tell your son you love him and will be there if needed.
They need to sort this out themselves, which they will.

Apart from advise your son to stay in the family home (moving out will/could affect his rights property/child wise) I would just be a listening ear.

It's not about you so just offer support but never advice. Let your son know you love him but do not take sides. It's their problem and they must sort it out, not you, although I think it would be well nigh impossible for your son to move out of the family home during lockdown (and I'm not sure why it should be him who is leaving as it seems he is not the one who wants a divorce, but we don't know the story). Whatever that story might be it's up to them, not you, and your feelings should take a back seat. Just give him all your love and remember, it's not about you!

Dortie, do you mean that you habitually drink a bottle of wine every day. and have done so for years. and don't get drunk.
that does sound very concerning. it will be badly affecting your health in many different ways.
never mind about the man, or what he drinks. that is small potatoes compared to your own health and well-being.
do you think you may have become a functioning alcoholic.

Hello you wonderful ladies. Thank you so much for all your advice and kindness. There are so many of you, I’d would be hard to reply to each of your but I have read every post and appreciated you all taking time to help me.
I have felt very down this past few days, so haven’t felt much like talking but wanted to give you thanks and an update, if any of you are interested.
My son is not in a good space but he has found himself somewhere else to live, bought new furniture etc. The house he is currently in with my DIL is a rented property so there is not worries about proper rights etc. My DIL has a friend ready to move once my son moves out.
My overriding emotion at the moment is anger. I am boiling with it, at how my DIL has treated my husband, telling him, out of the blue, that she wanted a divorce, right in the middle of lockdown. Apparently, she wants to “find herself” and realises she should never have married him. My son is a good and kind man, he has done nothing wrong and has treated her so well, truly. She is just bored and has grown apart from him, she tells him. As for my GS, I cry everytime I think of the separation from his father. My son will take active Parton in upbringing etc but it’s the little things my son says he will miss, bathtime, reading stories, being there when milestones are reached.
It is a truly sad situation but on I know millions of families have to face.
Thank you again ladies
X

at how my DIL has treated my husband

Little Freudian slip there.

Take a little step back op. There is rarely a truly innocent party when a marriage ends, you have no idea about the ins and outs of their relationship and if you think you do, it will be one sided.

Please take 1000000000 steps back.

You clearly blame your dil while your son is an innocent victim in all this. That is not what happened. Let them sort it by themselves, they are adults.