New grandmother with a heavy heart

Outsidedave and anonymous44 posted good points.

One of the mistakes grandparents make is showing their priority is their grandchildren, bypassing the generation in the middle (the parents of the grandchild)

You have had excellent access and relationship to your daughter and her child. 3 hours every 2 weeks is excellent.

What do you mean by this?
"During the last 5 years I often felt that it was hard to make appointments with her."
I see an orange flag there.

Old as most of us on here are, I am sure we can all clearly remember those early weeks with a new born.

I am certain most new mums feel quite overwhelmed with everything no matter how well prepared they thought they were.

Your desire to see your grandchild is perfectly understandable but you have to accept that your daughter and baby come first.

Offer help by all means and tell her that she only has to phone if she could do with a helping hand, but please guard against being pushy.

One of the things I have learned in life is that, unless you want to go round the bend, you really have to concentrate on the good things in your life. Dwelling on those things that we perceive as unsatisfactory gets us nowhere and just causes misery - especially those things that we cannot change.

@OutsideDave is spot on. Especially the last sentence. The baby won't remember who snuggled him, but your daughter will remember how people treated her during one of the most vulnerable times of her life.
Furthermore, while there is a higher threshold for you as someone who is close to your daughter, be aware that acting desperate and obsessive over the baby can make a new mother feel threatened. I know it isn't your intention, but it may feel to her like you want to take the baby away from her. It's understandable to feel excited about the new baby, but remember he isn't yours and you aren't entitled to him. Best of luck.

Think that Bluebird summed it all up perfectly.

When our children get married or into partnerships, we have to accept that, no matter how wonderful our relationshops with them have been, we move down one notch in the pecking order. When they have children, we then go down another notch!! That is the way it should be.

There should be no competitiveness in grand parenting. Even working out how many hours each week, etc each g.parent may have sounds rather strange to me.

And, in anycase, this will change over time.

Enjoy your time when you can see the baby and your daughter. Enjoy being a new g.parent, be joyous and get silly little presents for them both. Be there when they want and need you, but let them lead their own lives and you continue to lead yours.

Usually it's the baby's maternal grandparents who 'rule the roost' so to speak. I know my d.i.ls' (I have 2) mothers are omnipresent in both my sons' houses respectively, especially in my older son's house, because he works away a lot.
I have accepted it, because that's the way it is.
I hope you enjoy your grandson, when you do see him. I notice you and your daughter are very close. So don't worry, that bond can never be broken , although dynamics change. And by the way, your English is very, very good.?

OP, your feelings are perfectly normal but they are ones that you'll have to try and somehow curb for the time being.

Could it be that your daughter's husband has more of a say at home than she does and she's being dominated into her in-laws being the grandparents who are more involved than you're allowed to be?

Just to add I have 7 grandchildren and the latest is only 2 weeks old so I do have a bit of an idea as to how hurtful things can be when very normal feelings are involved.

The baby is two. Weeks. Old. Your daughter is still bleeding and sore. Demanding anything or extrapolating what is happening today to say anything about the future is ludicrous. If you want a strong relationship with your grandchild; treat their mother with respect and compassion. Leave the demands, the jealousy, and the bean counting to the side. I will say that after having kids and when they were quite small my relationship shifted again with my own mom to be a bit more one sided- similar to when I was quite small and needed a lot from her, when I was doing 100% for my own little ones my mom put forth the most effort. She didn’t complain, she had compassion, and as they’ve gotten older things have shifted to be more equitable. But I needed her to be there for me and not be demanding and the fact that she was is a large part of why we are (and always have been!) close- I know she will always be there for me and be ‘the mom’ when I am struggling. When my kids were born she took care of me- sure she got to snuggle the baby but she was there to take care of HER baby and her focus was always on MY well being vs agonizing over getting her ‘granny share’ in.

Thanks again for all your good input and experiences. I will stick to it when I feel sad and a little hopeless. Are there any good books to help grandmothers who want the best r/s with daughter and her child? Warm thoughts

I think that making comparisons is unhelpful. If I were you I would try and stop doing that, and certainly not mention this to your DD.

Maybe just give it time and take it steady - if you become pushy it will only make things worse.

These are difficult times for everyone.

juliet27 ...

Asatess62 ... lovely ending, so glad for you?

Me too Alexa me too

This was me a year ago. My granddaughter is 1 tomorrow. I live 40 mins away, and my daughter’s MIL about 5 hours away. I managed to see baby about once a fortnight. But her parents in law came every 3 weeks and stayed several days. Then they took my daughter, son in law and granddaughter on holiday twice. I was going crazy, actually adding up the number of hours they had compared to me! But I came into my own when they started to need a babysitter, or had to go to a meeting in the evening. And just before lockdown, I was spending lots of time with her. Obviously things are different now, but I still manage a visit every fortnight, sitting in the garden. Whereas my daughters in laws haven’t been able to visit since the end of Feb. Your time will come.

"Things are done differently now, and should you voice even the tiniest complaint, it could be proof in their eyes, that it's better to keep you at arms length."

Strong words from Namsnanny and I wish I had had her advice and taken it all those years ago!

Blimey, your English is better than mine!! I can’t speak a word of Danish, despite all the dramas on Netflix. Anyway, your problem...... I agree with others, it’s so hard, and you can’t see the bigger picture at the moment. It really is best to say nothing...no matter how hard, as long as your daughter knows you love and care for her, and are there for her should she need you. The baby is only two weeks old, her head may be all over the place at the moment with raging hormones! Her entire focus should be on her baby. Let everything settle, give it time, be patient, and you’ll hopefully find you naturally provide a safe place for your daughter to come to. Congratulations by the way....and all the best.

You may not end up with the quantity of time spent with your daughter and grandson, but you could aim at making it quality time. Time that your daughter may come to look forward to.

Wise words namsnanny

Thank you very much for your kind words and understanding. It is always hard to really explain how things are online and in writing. I think I feel a little used. I am supporting my daughter in any way by texting, also now when she is a new mother. I love being in contact with her, but for some years our r/s is more about me supporting her/being a part of her life on the mobile and it is difficult to meet her in real life. I understand that it is not about me wanting something, but I think there should be a balance of giving and taking in every r/s. And I think because of how difficult it is to see her, I fear that I will have a r/s with my grandchild on the mobile through her, her struggle, what her child do etc. and then not have a real r/s. So, yes as to your kind questions. I feel that I have lost a REAL companianship with my daughter and that will influence my r/s with her child. I think my daughter is cable of taking care of the baby. Thanks again

One more thing I learned the hard way, don't give unsolicited advice, regarding the gc or your daughter's friends, etc. Just bite your tongue.

Congratulations Danishgrand on your new grandson! This is still very early times and things will change, including emotions. Other grans have given you very good advice here. Don't pressure your daughter and let go of expectations. A visit every two weeks is actually quite nice, I hope you are able to relax and enjoy that time with your daughter and grandson. I would like to add that you are quite fortunate to have another grandparent to share in the care and love of your grandchild and daughter. A child can never have too many people that love him. Best to you.

I understand you are disappointed, this doesn't look like what you want it to. It's okay to feel disappointed but try to look at it objectively. Seeing anyone every two weeks is quite a lot. Someone you see every two weeks is definitely close and not at all shut out. When you think of all the other people your daughter has to fit into her life - other grandparents, aunts, uncles, maybe great grandparents, siblings, friends - that's a lot of people to find time for. I get it, you're her mother, that's closer than many of those relationships, but surely your daughter wants some weekends and time with just her husband and her child to do things as a family? Did you always have your mother or mother in law tagging along, or did you have immediate family time? Even if you did, that was your choice, and might not be right for your daughter. Will your daughter return to paid work? If so, she might want to make the most of her time at home while she can, to just spend time with her child.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

I think there is a case for you to feel hurt.

I would and have in this situation.

But, and it is a big but. Please for your sake don't press your case.

Things are done differently now, and should you voice even the tiniest complaint, it could be proof in their eyes, that it's better to keep you at arms length.

Or worse, they may decide to see even less of you.

If what you say is true (and of course it is, but it's only your side of things) your daughter, for all your attempts to forge a strong relationship with her, is in actual fact treating you differently than her MIL.
It would be good if you could somehow find a way to see your relationship from a different angle. To see just what it is she wants in a relationship with you.

I get that you think she has been influenced by someone else. If she has, she will have to make her own choices about that someday.
But maybe this is how she will be from now on. So you will have to be the one to bend in order to keep the status quo with her.

I agree it isn't fair.

You may not end up with the quantity of time spent with your daughter and grandson, but you could aim at making it quality time. Time that your daughter may come to look forward to.

From someone who has lost all contact with a very loved AC and gchildren, please tread carefully.

Wishing you well.

crikey. If I had had an SMS daily with a 2 week old baby I would have strangled my mother. As it was we moved 100 miles away quite soon after the birth and my mother saw her new grandchild when she could make the trek north - it never occurred to either of us (I'm sure) that she was hard done by. My inlaws lived abroad and I had no expectation of them coming over more than once in that first year. I am lucky to have been able to see all my 7 GC as often as I want - (and they are geographically all over the country) but I would never assume that. I always wait to be invited. I was actually asked to be a birthing partner of my adopted daughter which was a huge privilege - but once the baby was born, I slipped out of the room, out of the hospital and back to Paddington Station and home. They did not need me there by then! 2 weeks is very early and you really do need to give them space. Send food parcels by all means, little luxuries, (offer to take away their laundry and do the ironing?) but don't make this all about you - your time will come and that is when you will come into your own. Years and years ahead when you can babysit - and take the pressure of the parents. Bide your time and wish them well.

Perhaps you and your daughter have mismatched expectations regarding how involved you will be now that she is a mother. You say that over the last 5 years the routine with her MIL has been set, so why would this change?
They as a nuclear family only have 4/5 weekends per month of which one they see MIL - Do you think it is reasonable to give up every weekend with their child and have grandparents around and no time as a nuclear family? Your daughter is adjusting to a new phase in her life with her husband and child and they need time alone to do this. You are not being excluded. They are facilitating you having a relationship with them and your GC every other week. Please do not turn this into a competition.

I'd feel exactly the same. I only have one GS, now a teenager. I've spent the past 10 or so years helping look after him and it has been wonderful. Pick a moment when your daughter is calm and responsive and tell her how you feel and how you're looking forward to playing a part in the little one's life. She may not realise and obviously cannot understand how a grandmother feels. Her emotions and hormones are all over the place. But when she settles into a routine with the baby, that is probably the time to tell her how you would like to share in the baby's life as much as possible. I'm sure she will be delighted. Wishing you well.