Imminent grandma feeling apprehensive

????

I'm just replying to myself (I started this thread) to unofficially "close" this. Grandson was born Wednesday night - hopefully all will be well but he is in hospital with infection at the moment although. being born a fighting 9lb 5 oz, he is no weakling! I just wanted to say for any future grandmums that as soon as I saw the first photo -and then the first video clip of him bawling his eyes out at having to be brought into this world (!) I fell in love with him instantly and now cannot imagine how I could have worried about bonding. And no - I haven't been able to see him yet because DD and grandson both have to stay in hospital for another 5 days because of infection - but I am looking forward to meeting him face to face asap.

I think you will be surprised at how you feel about your new grandchild.In any case, there doesn't have to be a rush of love from you.....it will build.Just be quietly helpful for your DD initially.Try and look thrilled though in case your DD mistakes hesitancy for being uncaring, remember how proud of the baby she will be.

Don't over think things Newbiegran as others have said not all of us are over the top maternal women, I certainly am not. Help your daughter with housework, laundry, cooking etc leaving her free to be with her baby. You can look after her/him for short periods whilst she rests. It's surprising how things come back to you and your daughter will tell you how she wants things done. Just being together with them will be a lovely experience so relax and enjoy it.

I was exactly the same but being a Grandma may just surprise and delight you.
I do hope so.

Just be there for your Daughter, it may just strengthen your relationship.
x

You sound exactly like me. Not particularly maternal but told I was /am a good mum. I'm a oracti Al sort of person so just got on with thd practical help that was needed at the time. My gc and I get on great we have fun and they know they can have a cuddle if want one but that I'm not going to try and other them or demand nanny hugs. My 3yr old grandson loves coming to play at my house because he can chalk on the garden path, paint the fence (with water), play hide n seek in the garden or sit and read a book cuddled up with me and the dog. Dont worry just go and do what needs doing and enjoy it.

Some women really love tiny helpless babies. I just don't. I was fond of mine, concerned about them, determined to do my best - but no 'instant rush of love' for my children or grandchildren. Their constant need to be held, fed, changed etc. was rather annoying. I truly resented being their 'servant' In fact, newborns seem rather ugly and frog-like to me!

When they get to five or six months and can interact more, sit up and play, have their own little characters - then I begin to find them fascinating. I really love older children.

My friend is the opposite, loves newborns, then begins to lose interest as they grow and become independent.. (She had six - always replacing the tiny one!)

I'm far luckier, as they aren't tiny for long. I've enjoyed being a mother, teacher and granny. No, I'm not hands on, but I'll be there when needed.

Just do all the physical chores around the house .My eldest when she had her first told me she just wanted me to do mainlycooking,washing etc and if she needed me will ask .Her baby was early and I had to teach her how to bath the baby (Community Midwife )once upon a time She woke me up a few times at night for help

Newbie Gran - it's quite scary isn't it? I became a first time Grandma last October just before my 62nd birthday. Our daughter lives over 200 miles away also and her and her partner invited me to visit when the baby was 3 days old. What a good job we went - daughter ended up very poorly and going back into hospital a couple of times. I stayed for 2 weeks and, apart from when my daughter fed the baby, I was looking after the newborn while her partner looked after her. As so many folk have said your instincts (maternal or otherwise) kick in. I suddenly remembered how to put tiny hands into sleeves, holding legs while changing dirty nappies etc. It was one of the most worrying yet happiest times of my life. Thankfully my daughter made a full recovery and I left them to be new parents - and cried my eyes out all the way to the station! Those hours with my new grandchild will never be beaten. Good luck and enjoy every minute! xx

When I had my 3 with a span of 20 years I bonded instantly with them but I was no better as an older mother than a young one. I have 4 grandchildren. No 1 1’ve never really known well at all, she bonded with her paternal grandparents, 2 and 3 went to live abroad when very young; I was terribly upset but now they too are like strangers but I miss them hugely. No 4 I love with a passion I didn’t even realise was possible. I was fairly shocked when her mum said she was pregnant in the middle of her masters degree. The youngest, she is to my mind the absolutely the best mother.

Newbiegran. Firstly, congratulations, you are entering a lovely new phase in your life. Like you I had absolutely no desire to become a grandma. I looked at friends who, in my opinion were being taken advantage of by having to provide childcare and told my daughter I never wanted to be in that position but then , the moment my darling granddaughter was born, I fell in love and when my daughter returned to work, I almost pleaded with her to let me and her dad look after her two days a week. The last couple of years have been wonderful and we have developed a wonderful bond. We have missed her so much during lockdown it has been physically painful but we've had her back for the first time today and it has been wonderful.
Believe me Newbiegran you will feel the same I'm sure.

I became a grandmother again at the age of 70.
Thus time my daughter wanted me to be hands on from the very start.
I hadn’t changed a nappy in 38 years, so it was all new to me.

At my age I wasn’t keen on childcare as I tire very easily.
Even now, I’m not keen. He is now nearly five years old and a bundle of energy.
Although I love him dearly, I can’t do what I would like ie:
Taking him out for the day etc, it’s just too knackering.

At least Newbiegran, you have age on your side and hopefully a lot of energy.
Be sure to keep boundaries as a baby and parents can be very demanding.

My friend was horrified when her DD became pregnant. My friend hadn't really wanted any children (she ended up with two so they could keep each other company and play together. Sadly they did , and still do, loathe each other, so that didn't work). She was dreading the birth of this baby and having to do the whole adoring granny thing. I didn't see her until the baby was a month old. I couldn't believe the change and demanded to know who the imposter was and could I have my friend back please. She was utterly besotted. Three years and a second grandchild later she has become the biggest granny bore ever!. You really don't know how you will react until after the event. So don't worry.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sometimes the unexpected happens, I have a friend that was adamant that the grandson that was coming along would upset the Applecart regarding the bond she had with her daughter, you should see her since he’s been born, absolutely besotted with the two year old, I’m sure whatever happens you will be a great help to your daughter no matter what she would like help with

When my first grandchild arrived I fell in love with him immediately. Even though I hadn't expected to. You might find the same thing happens to you.

Don’t overthink things, Newbiegran. Your daughter will be feeling much the same as you, I expect. Tell her how nervous and apprehensive you are. She will understand.
As others have said, just be there as another pair of hands, when needed. Most new mums don’t expect, or even want someone else seeing to the baby - not even husbands in some cases.
I’m sure that you will enjoy every minute, once the little one has arrived. I’m a little jealous because Covid prevented me from helping with my new grandson.
Good luck

I worked with babies despite not being maternal,I was very matter of fact.
And I was worried when my dad had her first that I’d feel the same as I did about those I looked after.I never experienced that rush of love most feel when mine were born so understand where you’re coming from.
However,the first time I saw my grandchild that rush came, out of the blue!
I told my dad what a gift she’d given me, to be able to experience that!
Good luck,I’m sure you’ll be just fine!

So what perceptions and/or preconceptions of being a Granny do you have? Do you think you should be the sweet little old lady who gives kisses, cuddles and cookies with abandon? Do you think your daughter is expecting you to be a living reference library on childcare who she can turn to for advice and answers? Are you feeling that you can not live up to either so this is why you are worried about disappointing your daughter? Firstly I was not hugely maternal, only child, age just 20 and no experience with baby siblings but luckily DH was youngest of 8 and lots of experience with his baby nieces and nephews! Being a Mum does grow on you and you learn not to be perfect like the books and magazine mother but to be a good enough Mum. I was made a Nanny at 45, never thought it would happen as DD was a nursery nurse and said she'd never have kids, her OH was not bothered either was as he had a good career so when the 'accident' happened it was a surprise all round but they took a practical view, said it was probably meant to happen and so why not! I was in awe of my DD as she had all the training and up to date knowledge so I concentrated on practical help such as cleaning, running errands and taking GD out for a long walk so she could have some time to herself. I also loved just sitting with the baby sleeping on my shoulder just stoking her back while DD got on with other things. I found myself taking to my tiny GD while I did this telling her how I used to do this with her Mum and the relationship just grew from there. I am the Nanny they (I now have 3 GC) have fun with, we go on adventures, we play silly games, sing songs, we go looking for diamonds on the beach, tell stories etc etc. I am not the sensible granny with a pocket full of sweeties and a cat! Do not worry, it is not a test, is is not a one size fits all and you will find your own granny feet. One thing you must not do is to go against your daughter's rules and values, I don't mean secretly slipping your GC an extra biscuit or bar of chocolate, I'm taking about important stuff she insists on such as manners, if you don't then this is the only time you could disappoint her. Good luck x

Try not to worry Newbiegran; I too was not maternal, and really worried about my potential lack of feeling for grandchildren. I think, as others have said, you may well be surprised. There was a notice in the baby clinic when I first took my daughter all those years ago; the gist was that you may not have fallen in love with your partner at first glance, so don't expect that you will with your baby. The love grows with the weeks and months of caring for a helpless creature, and that is how it is so often. My GC are to me a source of joy that it is hard to describe - when I see them my heart lifts. I love their happy company (well - happy most of the time) but I am also quite relieved to see them go home at the end of a day. That's the pleasure of it - you get the good bits but not most of the hard work.
Congratulations - and good luck! x

Gotthattshirt that's a really good point!
My Mum and mother-in-law were both already "grandma," and my daughter's partner's mum was already "nanny" to her other grandchildren, so I wanted to be something different and decided on "Granny" (as my Dad's mum had been).
When I announced this my daughter was quite taken aback as she'd assumed I'd be "grandma."
But I stuck to my decision and I'm glad I did ?

I agree with all of the above Newbiegran but don’t forget that your daughter hasn’t been a mum before just as this is your first time as Grandma (or Nanna?) Emotions will be running high and low within the millisecond and your ways in the kitchen, with the vac etc. etc may not be your daughter’s and might irritate the life out of her. Don’t always expect her to give you the lead in what she wants to do with baby- she may not know! Be prepared for the occasional explosion of anxiety or frustration.
My advice would be simply stay calm, be supportive. Tell her often what a beautiful son she has and what a good mum she is. Acknowledge that everyone is on a learning curve but with shared love, laughs and tears baby will grow knowing he’s loved and your daughter and you will move into another very precious but different time of mother/daughter relationship.
Have you thought about what you would like to be called? There a lots of lovely ‘grandmother’ titles these days.

I was exactly the same Newbiegran... my two kids turned out ok... no prison anyway.... so I consider myself s reasonable mum.... but grandkids are so different.... you are not totally responsible for them ... the cooing/babytalk comes naturally . But be led by your daughter , even if you are babysitting for just two hours she will leave you reams of instruction ...if my daughter was anything to go by! Just grab hold of the baby ( when allowed) ... and cuddle up . You will know no other love like it!!!

Both my daughters had a new, stronger respect and admiration for me when they became mothers. They wondered how on Earth I coped with four kids, no disposable nappies, no car - and (an enormous pram) no public transport.

All this is good advice. I felt the same as you and it was all new to me too - hence my name. All I can say is don't give advice until asked or you may get your knuckles wrapped - it's very tempting! Giver her a lot of support and tell her how well she is doing. It's a trying time for both a new mum and dad and new grandparents. Let's face it - none us us grans had training in this!