Looking after grandchildren

I quite agree, we are back to looking after our grandson one day a week and I like a day to recover! He has just turned 2 and boy, can he move! Having said that I have friends without children and I’m sure they help to keep you young in mind and as lots of nans have said - you always give them back. Btw what do you think is a reasonable age to begin to talk? My daughter has had her son’s hearing checked and he’s just turned 2 and I think she’s a little bit worried but he seems advanced in other ways - doing wood puzzles etc. Comments would be appreciated.

No I wouldn’t. Be careful

Absolutely not unless she's going to lose her home. I know my daughter would expect it too but I know for sure I'd say no to this level of commitment

just say no.
doormat get walked on.
stand up, stand proud.
your life is yours.
live it.

Kwill By now you have probably made your decision whatever is right for you. Although it sounds quite demanding and challenging for you, you will no doubt enjoy the benefits of caring for your GC x 3.
Good luck and hopefully it will work out for you.
In my own situation, we moved to help with care of our GD. I have been looking after her in our home since she was 1 yr old, 3 days a week apart from during lockdown, have just resumed again. She is due to start nursery in September and with my OH who is also retired, will pick her up sometimes after nursery.
Meanwhile our DS2 arrived and we will take care of him also on a similar basis.
Right from the beginning, although they offered to pay me I said I didn't want any monies involved and still feel like this.
Of course it is demanding and tiring but at the same time very rewarding, we are 70 and 71 and fairly healthy so we are happy to carry on for the foreseeable future.

I said no to my daughter right from the start, but instead I said my granddaughter could come and stay in the school holidays when she was a bit older. That worked well. I was one of 6 children and we wouldn’t have dreamed of asking my mum to child-mind! Or even babysit. She said she’d brought up her children and wasn’t bringing up any more....

I too think an au pair is the kind of position your daughter should be advertising for, rather than spoil your precious time doing all the donkey work. You'll have no energy to enjoy the GC and will feel resentment.

My friend’s daughter asked her to do this. She gave up her job to look after her grandchildren 4 days a week. (A 9 month old and a 3 year old) What she found was she was expected to do housework, washing, cooking, as a mother/au pair/ nanny might do (or she felt she had to, to make life easier for her daughter) and she found her enjoyment of her grandchildren was spoilt as she was so busy! She was exhausted at the end of every day. If the youngest is only 9 months so it’s a few years till that one is off to school! What you have the energy for today, you might not have the energy for in 5 years., Think long and hard about the commitment you will be taking on! My friend wishes she had said let’s have a trial run.

It sounds like you are very much in doubt. Have you asked yourself how you really feel about it? Is it hard for you to say no to your daughter? Make a pro and con list. Then perhaps it is more clear when you see it on paper.
You will loose a lot of freedom, adventure, people at your own age, quite time with yourself, your safe job, but you will get perhaps a closer r/s with your granchildren. Take care. I am sure you take the right choice for you.

You could be taking the DGC for a while and then become ill. In that scenario will DD stop working to mind her own DC while also taking care of a sick DM?
If the day comes when you have to refuse that day or for longer you might find your DD's attitude changes towards you. You would be all that is wonderful while you conform to her wishes but one decision she does not like and you could be refused to even see the DGC
Why cant we just be who we are, mother and grandmother?

Listen to Trewdie

Do not work for family, I worked for my daughter yeas ago it didn't go well it started off good ,I stayed a few years (for the sake of my DGD) but I eventually had to leave for my mental health. We didnt speak for a while and I was banned from seeing my DGD, so my advice is don't do it.

Do you have any other children with the possibility of more Grandchildren, as they could be jealous of the time and effort if their kids are seen to miss out on Granny time?

Also, are your 13 weeks holidays fixed to school holidays? That makes any holidays you want very expensive and you lose the ability to just book a week away when you fancy it.

At 51 I was a lot less tired than I am at 55, it’s surprising how the fifties can get to you, so be very careful.

Bobo now might be a good opportunity to consider reducing the amount of childcare. I do know how you feel..

We do childcare for three grandchildren (dd’s 2 and ds’s 1) 3 sometimes 4 times a week after school and it is tiring and also very tying. Ds and his partner are now expecting another baby so that will involve probably two full days. We manage fine in term time but the holidays are a nightmare as the days are very long and we get extremely tired. We love our grandkids to bits but have enjoyed the break during lockdown so much so that I’m dreading it all resuming. All this is done for love as well no payment or even many treats coming our way! We’ve also a youngest son so far with no children - help! I do feel we’re trapped so would recommend you think extremely carefully about your decision. Friends of ours refused point blank to do what we’ve done and are constantly being lauded and applauded by their families it just isn’t fair!

If you did it in their home they would have all they needed including heat light and food! I have and still do care for my grandchildren, not 40 hrs a week but sometimes from 6.30am-5.30pm. Hospital shifts! Wouldn’t want to do it in my own home though! And I was 67 when first grandchild was born, he’s now 6 1/2. Kwill is 51 so much younger. It is still 8 hours a day even if it’s only two of them for some of the time. Surely the three year old could go to a local pre school some of the time? And is daughter returning to work? What happened about childcare previously? Having said that it is a privilege to spend so much time with the children and we are very close.

@Kwill...in a word..no!!

Actually someone up thread is right, you'd have to be an employee, with holiday rights, minimum wage, no paid and all an employee has in the way of employment rights

Please, just say “No” at this moment. Even if you managed beautifully with 3 children as a mother you were younger. Do you remember how hard that was? It will destroy your life and relationship with your daughter and grandchildren now. Better an awkward situation now than a total relationship meltdown. Your daughter and son in law will find a way. Please don’t be guilt-tripped. Once you’ve said “No!”, you will be able to shine as someone who can help out by offering one or two days a week if you really want to give up the job you have.
Ask yourself, would you do this for someone you don’t know already? Of course not!
You’ve done your job of raising children. Now it’s your life - do not give that away - you are worth more!

I would think very carefully about this. £700 doesn't sound a lot fir what you are being asked to do plus if you're self employed you will need to public liability insurance as a minimum. On the plus side, you are classed as working from home so all job related expenses including your petrol and the children's lunches, snacks etc can be offset against your earnings. My advice would be to speak to an accountant - most will give you an initial meeting to discuss your requirements free of charge on the assumption you will use them as your agent for tax purposes. You can also offset some of your bills against your business but you need to be aware that if you sell your house then you may be liable for capital gains on a portion of the profits. Again an accountant will explain the ins and outs to you and advise you in your best interests. Good luck whatever you decide.

I may be wrong but think the current rate for full time childcare is about £200 a week for a child under 2.
This is three children.
I don’t know what you currently earn but £700 a month seems not very much to me to be honest.

I know you aren’t really doing it for the money though so maybe that’s ok.
Also, if you are taking money on a “token gesture” basis I don’t think it’s taxable. I also think I read about a government scheme (2018 ish) to cover your national insurance if they sign over the child benefit to you. Would have a look at the government website for that.

It won't just be your wages you lose out on, you won't get holiday pay, you'll have to pay your own national insurance, extra insurance on the car. I get that a month for 15 hours and don't need to pay my national insurance. What a out if you are ill?

If you do it, you'll be back on gransnet asking for advice on how to deal with a breakdown in communication. It already sounds like your daughter has set out her terms yet is she willing to compromise to suit you both? If not, then this is a red flag.

Like you, I would do anything to help my children but this is just not workable from anybody's point of view.
In your current job if you are sick you can take time off work and still be paid. Your day also has a clear beginning and end plus holidays. If you are with small children all the time you will be sick - they pick up all kinds of bugs and you will get them too. I look after all four of my grandchildren but not full time and I am always getting whatever their latest germs are.
If your daughter were to pay a nursery or a childminder they would charge extra for any time over the agreed hours. You would be on a fixed amount and it would be all too easy for your daughter to be lax about drop off and pick up times to suit herself.
These days there is little chance of anyone's job being available if they leave and want to come back again. If you quickly found this unworkable you have no way back.
You are their grandmother and love them dearly but when will you get those lovely carefree times with them which is your privilege. There is so much hard physical work in caring for small children, would you ever have time for those magical moments - or the energy either.
This is an unreasonable and badly thought through proposition with far too many possibilities for disaster. Saying no in this instance isn't selfish - it's good sense.

£700pm x 12 = £8,400 ÷52 = £161.53 ÷ 40 = £4.03ph. Even if you take the 13 weeks off it's not even £5.50ph. That's illegal. How many weeks will they pay you for, 52 or 39?
How much does your daughter (& her partner?) earn ph? Have you made all your NI contributions? If not, you'll loose out on the full state pension. What about private pension, sick pay, business insurance (to look after children) business car insurance? Can you afford to live and run a business on £4ph?

I think this is a recipe for disaster.