Daughter and soninlaw have let housework slide during lockdown

I hate housework with a passion. I wouldn't say my house is a pig sty, but I reserve the right for it to be so if I wish. Kate Middleton is heading a big project to encourage early years skills due to the first 5 years of a child's life being the most formative. Your daughter is prioritising her time well.

Hi ! I agree with Nitpick48, surely you should know if your daughter is ok or not by her tone and body language. I can tell my daughters not right just by talking on the phone and vica versa. Perhaps you could catch her alone and ask if she is ok mother to daughter and maybe she will open up to you but you can’t assume things as long as they are all happy. If they are happy the way they live then why should you be concerned. I have a similar problem. You can’t expect them to have the same old fashioned pride that we had back in the day, things are different now, don’t ask me why but yours and mine standards are high, we just have to accept it, it’s hard but true. ?

I agree with others that doing a surprise tidy up is not a good idea, you might not get the reaction you hope for. Next time you visit I would just ask in a friendly voice "do you want me to put the washing in the machine?" or "can I give you a hand and do the washing up?" however be prepared for her to say "no just leave it, it's OK" You could also ask her if she is feeling OK without mentioning the state of the house. My own GDs live a long way from me and whenever I visit (pre lockdown) I take a bag of new clothes as I love buying for them, maybe you could do this for your GD. I know it's a worry for you but as long as your GD is being well looked after that is the main thing.

Our house is a pig sty at the moment despite my having done more housework - several times a day - in the past 3 months than in 50 years of marriage. I can only think it is because we are in the house most of the time - still just beginning to come out of lockdown in Scotland - and creating more mess than usual...

My daughter's house is messy as well, just things everywhere, and it's not as clean as my standards but my little granddaughter is well and always clean so I bite my tongue. Both my daughter and son-in-law have very busy jobs so time is precious. So, Anothergrannyb, I would bite your tongue and just enjoy your grandchild. You could offer to help when you visit I suppose but I fear it would be refused.

You could always ask your daughter if she’s ok? If she asks why you’re asking, just say you thought she looked a bit tired. If she says she’s ok there’s nothing more you can do really, apart from stay in touch. (My daughter is very messy but if she knows I’m visiting she blitzes the house!)

Looking back now, we lived in a right old mess when our three were little. I was more interested in letting them play than keeping things tidy. We had a social worker visiting regularly to advise on our disabled child. She was brilliant. I had a sandpit in the kitchen. Yikes, it spread everywhere and the kids were in heaven. But I used to apologise sometimes to the social worker and she said she worried about the houses she went to which were very tidy, and that at least my ceilings were tidy! She was great. My mum and mother-in-law must have watched slightly in horror but never interfered, especially as the children were so happy.

Are you allowed under the current Covid restrictions to go there and spend time with them.
Not sure I can go to my Dd house even after all these months.

I am elderly and don’t want to risk it, personally.

My daughter and son in law are extremely untidy and the house is not very clean but despite 3 dogs it never smells, neither does my grandchild. I have to ignore the chaos but wouldn’t be able to ignore a smelly child.

I think the key word is your grandchild smells. That would worry me.

where does it say that having a messy house is equal to happy children this is not mutually exclusive you can have a clean house and have your children happy too.

I would worry if the house smells and baby looks grubby. Could you afford to pay for a few hours nursery to give them a break. Are her hubbys family nearby could they help.

I definitely don't spend hours each day doing housework, I do the bare minimum to keep it reasonable. This isn't just a bit of a mess....

Don't do anything is my advice as long as your gd is getting along ok then leave it. You say she has always been a bit messy so whats new just a bit worse. Just keep an eye on your gd.

You wouldn't believe the mess my son lived in with 5 very young children. I went around one day and they were all sat on the floor, son as well, making a castle from toilet rolls, the house was a complete tip but the children were happy and well.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

You feel there's something wrong, so there probably is. Please don't normalise what your gut tells you isn't normal. I'm an antenatal teacher and one thing we've learned in recent years about perinatal mental illness is that it doesn't do to pretend it isn't happening. Please say to your daughter outright, look, you don't seem in a happy place, why not see your GP for starters? Mind it doesn't end up as you telling her off for being messy - focus on her state of mind rather than the state of her home.

I have two daughters One goes through bleach so fast and has a spotless house. The other's house is dirty and a mess. I have offered to help clean in the past but she would not let me. Children are well cared for though. It is difficult knowing what to do for the best but if someone does not want your help you cannot force it on them.

There’s mess and then there’s dirt. Most of us understand the untidiness of having a little one around BUT there’s not really an excuse for a smelly home or - even worse - a smelly baby. Perhaps it would be an idea to ask her outright if all is well x

Our grandchild is so happy and contented and such a sweet little girl but the state of the house puts whiskers on me as my Grandma would have said. I just have to turn a blind eye when I go but I am itching to clean and tidy up, I couldn't live like that at all but to their own.

Although I'd be keen to help clean, I would remember A. that this could turn into a regular, and B. that you live so far away, help might be impractical.

I do think, though, that the child should be first priority. Whilst I think grubby playtime, mud pies, spilt food are all part of childhood, no child should smell bad. It isn't hard to keep a child relatively clean, simply by regular nappy or potty times, and doing sufficient laundry for a change of clothes.

I think my children would want me to take over at bathtime, and maybe nappy/loo times, or rather perhaps they would expect me to want to! (Do I??) However, I would find it hard to suggest a daughter deals with cleaning the house, but I definitely would if I thought food preparation and eating took place in dirty surroundings.

I think I have mixed opinions here but I would mainly be concerned about the child. Most important.

If someone chooses to have a child, the responsibility of care falls to them but, in your position, I would keep in mind that things could deteriorate further, and surely nobody would want that.

I'm untidy, but still have to keep my mouth shut when I visit my daughter. I would rather have a good relationship with my daughter than criticise her home. It is her home, not mine.

I always remember reading they won't notice a ironed shirt but they will always notice time spent with them.I have a poster of a mouse sweeping dust under the mat.With the tag line a spotless house is a sign of wasted life

Yes, a lot of people are struggling.

Are they furloughed, are their jobs safe to return to?

I have to admit to being a right minger as a newlywed, my mother would come round before I got home from work on a Friday and clean up, I could never find anything, she was quite critical and after two years we emigrated. I was able to continue my messy lifestyle when I became a mother without interference, I played with the boys, taught them to count, to read and write through fun. My adult children often say how great their childhood was, able to build whole Lego towns which were left until they’d had enough, they weren’t even aware of the mess.
They are all quite successful and decent men.
I on the other hand have become quite houseproud now that I have a grown ups only household. When the grandkids come we have fun and make a mess but I love to put it all back in place when they leave.
I would leave your daughter to it while your grandchild is looked after and happy.

What do you think is causing the smells, especially from your GD. I'd be concerned about this. Is rubbish not being cleared away? Washing left hanging about for days? Not ventilating a place when cooking? Surely windows can be opened to air a place even if cluttered. A home doesn't need to be kept pristine, far from it. Your DD even if she and SIL have been working from home will have been able to go out with the baby for some fresh air. I would be a bit concerned if smells accumulating as this may be a bit more than clutter accumulating. I would definitely tidy up for them if you went to stay for a couple of days. They may well have lost the will to even start. Would your DD invite other mothers
and babies in to her house as it is if rules allowed?