Daughter and soninlaw have let housework slide during lockdown

I think the issue here is not really the state of the house it is your worry that your daughter may be becoming depressed again. A mother does have a seventh sense but on the other hand we can also be over anxious. All you can really do at the moment is keep in touch. Keep checking in. Ask her how she is feeling. Give her some non judgemental space to talk if she is willing. Be a sympathetic listening ear. Be kind to yourself too. Try not to worry too much. You may be feeling more anxious than you would normally be because you are also experiencing lock down and not able to see her and your grandchild as often as you might normally do. It sounds as if your daughter recovered from her earlier depressive period. And can again, if this is what is happening. But it may well not be. Many people are struggling in their heads with what is happening at the moment. It is normal Best wishes to you all.

Not stabilised

Sterilised

Are you in a position to be able to offer to buy them a dishwasher, if they have room?
At least the dirty dishes etc could go into the machine and it would be easier to wipe down clean surfaces. The cutlery, dishes would be stabilised too.
You could be very subtle about the reasons.

Does your SIL leave it all to her? Sometimes it can get overwhelming. Are they both trying to work from home too, as well as look after a little one?

I can remember my sister-in-law saying, when their DC were small 'I'll have a tidy house one day!' I found out what she meant when we had our DC.

Their home, their mess, their choice.

One woman’s mess is another woman’s homely and lived in. I have a much cleaner and tidier house now than I did when the family was together and I was working full time. I loathe housework but don’t like mess so I have always prioritised having a cleaner over anything else and done without other things in order to afford one. I would be very wary of commenting and imposing my standards on anyone - and dear SIL would certainly tell me off if I tried!

What a delicate situation. Untidiness wouldn't bother me but dirtiness would. It sounds as though things have just got on top of her but she does have her priority right, your grandchild. If you stay with her I think the most you should do is the washing up and you could open some windows. Your daughter must be aware of the state of things but unless she asks for help, don’t.
I remember being depressed after my second baby and I really let things go, but if my parents were coming to visit I was able to force myself to make an effort. The fact that she doesn’t bother shows how low she must be feeling. Don’t arrive unannounced!

As StarBlaze kindly suggests please don’t touch rest of house maybe just the kitchen. My MiL fed cats whilst we were away on holiday, and whilst house was absolutely fine, we came back to it re-organised with most of furniture moved to a “better place”. She had also cleaned oven which didn’t need much cleaning.
Had the added insult of hearing from folk how hard she had worked on our place, and the filthy oven.
I can still remember walking into the house, with her there waiting for us to exclaim how pleased we were. The shock!!! It damaged our relationship for a long time.
Not the same as AnotherGrannyB’s post as that’s really a very sensitive problem. Depression or maybe sadness, etc., could be at the root. A difficult one and I hope things improve. Trust I’ve not offended by my comparison. All the best.

When you are next chatting on the phone you could say something like - I've been having a good tidying up and cleaning session and I've just sat down. Phew. What a difference though, it's looking so much better and makes me feel better.
Just try not to sound in any way that you're suggesting she does the same.

Did you ask your daughter if there was something you could do? If you can, and she agrees, you could go once a wee and run a load of laundry and do the dishes, which are the two most important things, after meals - but you didn't mention those, so I think they're all right for food. Re the smell, it could be that she is so used to it that she does not smell it. Are the windows kept shut?

Problem is perspective, what one person sees as dirty another sees as ok. My daughter and I have this problem, she goes to her sons house and tells me it’s a pigsty, I have been there and ok it’s a tad messy but no where near a pigsty.
Don’t ever clean anyone’s house without asking, my mother in law did that to me and believe me I was not grateful.

I'm with Applegran, when I had small kids and working mostly from home, my MIL loved to take them off one by one for fun activities, they made cakes and models and grew tomatoes... She also did all the ironing, mostly her sons shirts lol, and a bit of cleaning. For years before children she was clear she didn't really approve of me but once she felt I needed her help we managed to get on OK and I was very happy to have someone around who really cared about the children.

Big sympathy. My son and daughter-in-law are both messy. One year they asked for a vacuum cleaner for Christmas but I found it behind a sofa covered in dust!!! My grandson is always spotless it has to be said though. My bugbear with them is the disgusting state of their toilet which never ever looks clean. I thought it was just my son as at University the toilet in his house share was so bad I used to go to the Starbucks over the road but daughter-in-law is even worse than him. I gave up offering help over anything as she accused me of being interfering. So good luck.

I couldn’t comment as I don’t know the parties involved but my son has always lived in a similar fashion. He’s now married and has a lovely home but to me it’s like pig sty. They are happy and contented and just don’t notice what their house is like. It’s low on their priority list.
I would never interfere unless I had very serious concerns.

If you are spending hours every day keeping your house sparkling then any house will look messy to you including mine as I don’t believe in wasting time on menial housework!

Are you sure you are being totally objective?

All babies smell in my opinion!

Offering to babysit next time you visit, but don't clean up as a surprise.

I would have been mortified and horrible offended if my mother had done that, but I wouldn't have minded her offering to do some of the cleaning.

If you feel you can't offer without offending your daughter, then I can't see you can do anything at all.

Would it work in your relationship with your daughter simply to ask if she would like you to do anything to help in the house - you understand that its been hard during lock down and would love to help if that's what she would like? My daughter would have loved me to do the work! And when she had very small children I often did, much to her pleasure.

Firstly - follow your instinct- is your GChild being neglected / if he/she is then you need to step in. Offer to go again maybe for a day or two then you can help with the child at least. Your daughter may not mind a mess . Secondly I would not ‘have a word ‘with the partner / husband as was suggested / that would be undermining your daughter and very divisive. Be kind and brave - good luck ...

If you're in a position to organise a professional cleaning service for your daughter then I'm sure that would cheer her up and take off any pressure from looking after a 9 month old baby under these awful times.....

I hate, hate housework with a passion! it’s boring repetitive and thankless! but a certain amount has to be done to keep hygiene going sadly! I wouldn’t worry if DGC is happy and healthy and mum and dad are interacting well with the baby I would leave well alone. Only intervene if it becomes a health hazard or if asked to by either of them.
Lock down has been a nightmare with housework! Children create a trail of mess wherever they go, especially the under 5’s (and some teenagers!) and it’s a full time job trying to keep up with cleaning, tiding, cooking and playing/entertaining/educating them! It’s better to prioritise the latter three than the first two in my opinion.

I'd sooner have a messy home with happy kids than a pristine house with unhappy kids.

As a friend's frig magnet said many years ago ' You can notice my dust but please don't write in it'. You may notice the state of your daughter's house but don't comment. It's not your house, not your life. Just be there for her if or when she does ask for your help.

I think your sixth sense is telling you something is not right, particularly after the teenage depressive episode. Mess is one thing, but bad smells, in house and grandchild, is another, particularly in summer when fresh air is easily available.
Perhaps she is suffering new mother blues, deprived of contact with family and friends by lockdown and things will improve as normal life returns. As for the housework, there is little you can do, other than offer to buy a dishwasher (?).

Housework was never my priority and my mother tried to help; I took it as criticism, which it wasn't, but I became defensive, to the extent of hiding away the piles of ironing she would happily have done for me.

If SIL is working from home it may well be difficult for your daughter to be able actually do the housework without disturbing him. My DS has been working from home since March and has had to commandeer their kitchen as his office working space. So dishes, washing and vacuuming has to wait until he's finished work. Not easy when their are little ones around to keep occupied as well.

Anothergranny those are good priorities, she will never get the special time with her daughter back, the housework can wait. If it doesn't bother your daughter, it shouldn't bother you

Yes it was brilliant to see them again after all the time apart, my granddaughter is a pleasure to be with, beautiful, happy and progressing really well. The weather was great so we all went out for walks and to the park, I'm probably worked for no reason